by Julie Bale
Kendall disappeared for the first few months I’d been in the hospital, calling only a few times and never visiting. There had always been an excuse. Her new job. Some new guy she was banging. A family obligation.
And I got it. I got that what I was, and what I had done, wasn’t easy for most people to handle. Hell, it was hard for Matt and he was my brother.
So how was Ben going to react when I dumped this on him? Did I really want to know the answer? Wasn’t it obvious? He was riding the wave of a shooting star and I…I was just struggling to keep my head above water.
I began to shiver and for a moment everything inside sped up. My heart raced and heat burned, scorching from the inside out. I moaned, hating the way the pieces inside me rattled and shook and moved. It was chaotic and scary.
It was crazy.
Sweat broke out along my forehead, leaving me cold and shaking. Shit, I couldn’t let this escalate. I closed my eyes and concentrated. I reached for the words, the words and melody I needed.
Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same?
I focused on the song, One, by U2. Seamus had suggested this in one of our first sessions. He told me that when things started to get chaotic if I could manage to focus on something that calmed me, it would help.
Music helped. Music had always helped. I heard Bono’s voice. I felt his passion and I let the melody wash over me. It slid inside and got into my head and it pushed the bad parts away.
I’m not sure how long I leaned against the window, chest heaving, skin cold and clammy. But eventually the pieces inside me slowed, they clicked and lined up. My chest relaxed and I was able to breathe easier.
I decided that a run would help.
In the dark and quiet I changed into my gear, grabbed a water bottle and tip toed out of the loft. I’d ran every single morning with Ben and his sister, out along the back country roads near his place and this morning, here, alone, it just wasn’t the same.
Those early runs settled me in a way I couldn’t replicate and even though I ran longer than normal, the demons that knocked hard just wouldn’t quiet. They followed me every step of the way and when I got back to the loft, I was wound tighter than when I’d left.
Matt was still asleep—not surprising, he wasn’t alone—and as the darkness fell into grey, I had a quick shower, took my meds, got dressed and in less than five minutes was out the door.
Joe was just coming on duty and even though I wasn’t in the mood to make small talk, it was hard to avoid his kind eyes. I waved a quick hello, and we chatted for a few minutes about nothing important—he didn’t usually work Saturdays but the weekend guy had called in sick—and then I headed to the parking garage toward the silver BMW that had been the last gift my parents had given me for my eighteenth birthday.
It had been delivered from storage a few days earlier because Matt was tired of lending me his wheels.
Rain was just starting to fall as I pulled into Ben’s driveway. His truck was gone and I parked in his spot, my stomach twisting as I sat staring at the house for way too long.
He wasn’t home, but then what the hell had I expected?
Guys like Ben didn’t spend their Friday nights alone. Guys with money and fame. Guys with eyes that could make any girls heart go crazy. Guys with no ties. No girlfriend.
I was nothing. Not really. It’s not as if we had any sort of defined relationship. In fact all we had were our morning runs and a few hot and heavy make out sessions.
I’m not sure how long I stayed in the car but it was long enough for the windows to fog up and for the humidity to seep inside. My skin was clammy, my stomach in knots and my mouth dry. I checked my cell phone once more but there were no text messages. Nothing in my voicemail.
I bit my lip and cursed. Maybe he was inside. Maybe someone had borrowed his truck.
Are you that fucking stupid?
It was nearly eight by now and I was either going to leave or…
I pushed open the door and ran up the steps to Ben’s front door before I lost my nerve and with my heart in my throat I rang the doorbell and waited.
And waited some more.
I rang it again and tried to peek through the window to the right, but it was no use. I couldn’t see inside but it was now official. He wasn’t home.
I took a step back, smoothing my light blue cotton skirt over my hips as I bit my lip in frustration. Where was he?
All sorts of things raced through my head and all of those things ended up with Ben in bed with some bimbo. The bimbo he’d met at the airport. The bimbo who’d yanked out her tits for him to sign. I was shaken and hated how affected I was by the thought of him with another girl.
He wasn’t mine. He didn’t belong to me.
“Whatever,” I muttered.
I ran down the steps and paused. Did I really want to go home and play nice while Matt tried to get rid of whoever the hell it was who’d moaned her way through several hours the night before?
No. God no.
I took a sharp left, following the path that led through Ben’s back yard, through the trees that surrounded it, and out to my barn. My studio.
He could fuck whoever he wanted. I was going to show him that I didn’t care. This was my space and I would spend the day painting and Ben Lancaster could go to hell.
I worked on a piece I had started a few days earlier and just like all the others lately, a large gaping mouth opened in the very center of the canvas. The face was androgynous with undefined features and as I stared at it, I knew this person was screaming. Screaming to get out. Screaming to escape.
Screaming to live.
I grabbed my tools and got to work and it was hours before I put down my brush and stood back, admiring my handy work. The air was thick with humidity. It stuck to my skin, shrink-wrapped my white tank top to my body and filled my nostrils with summer.
My heart was beating fast and I exhaled in an effort to calm myself, running a hand through the thick, tangled waves of hair that fell past my shoulders.
I took a step back, my eyes moving to the window. Outside the rain washed the glass in a blurry stream and the images beyond weren’t clear. I saw color. Green. Pink and purple. Brown.
I took a step toward the door, my mind racing and it felt as if my skin was pulled too tight. Before I could think about it, I tossed my white flats and stepped out into the rain.
The grass was soft beneath my bare toes and the colors I’d seen from inside popped. Grass. Flowers. Earth.
Raising my head to the gray sky with my eyes closed, I stood there, letting the gentle wash roll over me and slide down my body. I still felt heavy but the rain was somehow light. It was warm and the sound of it in my ear was calming.
Several long moments passed and with each of them I felt the tension lessen. The heaviness evaporated like raindrops on heated blacktop.
I glanced toward the trees. I saw their branches bend toward me, beckoning me, and slowly walked toward them until I disappeared inside their embrace. The rain still fell, cleansing the earth, maybe cleansing my soul and by the time I cleared the forest my body was humming something fierce.
I was in hyper mode and I swear I could hear the grass growing, the ants beneath their shadow, scurrying through the puddles…the blood rushing through my veins, the frantic beat of my heart.
I rubbed moisture from my eyes—was it tears or rain? And it was then that I saw him.
Ben stared at me from across the yard. He was shirtless, hands shoved into the front of his jeans and rain soaked hair a mad mess that clung to his face and neck. He was far enough away that I couldn’t see his features clearly, but I felt him.
I felt him as if he was pressed against me. As if he was inside me.
Time did that funny stop-watch thing. It slowed down and froze.
The grass stopped growing. The ants stopped moving. I think my heart even stopped beating.
But the rain still fell. It slid over my hot skin like a frantic caress and I groaned, so
incredibly confused and turned on. I was chasing that shooting star that held him so far above me and right now, in this moment, I would do anything to catch it.
I held my breath because something was about to change.
Ben ran a hand through his hair, pushed it off his face.
A heartbeat passed—then he stepped off the deck.
And everything changed.
Chapter Seventeen
Ben
I had to hold myself back when I first saw her so I shoved my hands into my pockets and hunched my shoulders in an effort to deflect whatever the hell it was she had that pulled me in.
She was wet from the rain, her white tank top transparent so I had no problems seeing the black bra she wore underneath it. Riding low on her hips was a pale blue skirt and I don’t know if it was because it was weighed down with water or if I was just fucking lucky, because a lot of skin showed above it. And because it was short, those sexy legs were bare from mid-thigh down.
Her hair was wild, curling around her shoulders in long, dark, wet ropes, and my gut tightened when she took a step forward. I was wound so tight it felt like I was going to break apart, something I’d never felt before, not like this. No fucking way.
And I was hard. Instantly, painfully, hard. I wasn’t used to wanting something and not getting it. And I hadn’t been laid in a few weeks—not since I’d met Georgia—so the situation between my legs was pretty damn intense.
I don’t know what happened between us the day before but I sure as hell didn’t believe she was fucking some guy named Seamus. Not anymore. I’d stopped by Matt’s this morning hoping to see Georgia but she was gone. She was already here.
And while Matt tried like hell to get rid of his hookup, I’d grilled him about this Seamus guy. Though he’d been vague, the one detail he was willing to give up was that this guy was old—like in his forties—and there was no way she was into him.
It had been the best feeling in the world—knowing that—and then Matt had gone quiet. He’d told me that if I hurt her he would break my fucking legs.
Hurt her? I wanted to do a lot of things to Georgia King and hurting wasn’t even close to any one of them.
I wanted her. I wanted to make her scream my name while I was inside her. I wanted to look into her eyes while she came and know that it was because of me. I wanted to touch her face. Steal her kisses and share her breath.
She was turning me inside out and I was fucking done.
I stepped off the deck and put one foot in front of the other until I was inches from her. Until I could smell the summer that clung to her skin and see the raindrops on the edges of her eyelashes.
Her eyes were almost opaque, the hint of green so light they looked like mirrors. I could fall into them if I wasn’t careful. Her lips trembled and her chest heaved. A smudge of brown paint marred her cheek and she froze when I reached for it.
I froze when I touched her.
She was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Hands down.
Slowly, I wiped the paint off her face and then both of my hands crept into her hair, holding her hostage as my eyes memorized everything about her. Her eyes fluttered shut and she leaned into my touch, moaning softly.
I was done for. Totally fucking wrecked and I’d barely begun.
I bent forward bypassing that amazing mouth, my lips caressing along her jaw until I rested against her neck, just below her ear, and whispered.
“I’m sorry I was such an asshole yesterday.”
She shuddered in my hands and pitched forward, her forehead on my chest. “Where were you last night?” Her words were hesitant and I stilled, a little confused and not really sure where she was headed.
“I was here.”
“Were you alone?”
What the hell?
I moved and lifted her chin so that I could see her. So that she could see me and know I wasn’t fucking around.
“What do you want to know, Georgia? Just ask. I’ve got nothing to hide.”
She blinked slowly as if thinking of the right words and then with a small breath she spoke. “Your truck wasn’t here this morning and I thought…” She paused, her eyes widening, her mouth open. “I thought you might have spent the night with someone. I know what it’s like for you guys, girls are all over you and I…we haven’t…”
I knew that I was in serious shit because I cared what she thought. I cared that she was upset at the thought of me with someone else. Hell, I liked it. It meant that we were even. The thought of her with Seamus had nearly driven me over the edge but at least I hadn’t suffered alone.
“I drove to Philly this morning but I guess we just missed each other. I’ve been back for a while, holed up in the house thinking about you. Wanting to give you some space and going crazy.”
My hands slipped behind her head again and I reached for her, my lips grazing the corner of her mouth. “Don’t you know the only girl I want to be with is you? I haven’t even looked at anyone else since I walked into your brother’s loft.” I nuzzled her neck. “Damn, you in those fucking panties have kept me up way too many nights.”
My hands were now rolling down her back and I cupped that sweet ass, pulling her in as tight as I could so that there was no way she could miss how badly I wanted her.
“There’s only you, Georgia.”
She made this noise—one that drove me crazy and then her arms snaked up my shoulders, her fingers digging in hard as her mouth kissed butterflies along my neck until we met in the middle.
She opened beneath me and I kissed her hard, my tongue delving deep as if claiming every inch of her was important. I wanted to go slow and tender but there was no way that was happening. I was barely holding on. She kept making those noises—those crazy fucking noises that went straight to my dick—and with my hand still on her ass, I kissed her like I’d never kissed a woman before. This was no soft and gentle taste. I was too far gone for that and when she bit my bottom lip, whimpering, I knew she was too.
Her body was flush to mine and when she squirmed against me, my insides nearly fucking exploded.
“Ben,” she whispered hoarsely, breaking the kiss and staring up into my eyes.
The rain still fell, soft drops that slid down her face, rolling across skin and dampening an already see-through tank top.
I held her gaze, mesmerized at the sight of her pink tongue against her teeth. When I bent forward, she inhaled sharply, and with my eyes still on hers, I caressed her hard nipples and then followed my fingers with my mouth, closing hard over one hard nub.
“Ben, that’s so…so good,” she said on a groan.
I was breathing heavy and for a moment we just stared at each other, knowing we’d crossed a line somewhere and not giving a shit.
“I want you,” I said, barely able to get the words out. “I want you right now. Right here. But I won’t…” God I was coming apart, my body so tight and hard it felt like I was gonna rip wide open. I pushed away, shaking my head in an effort to get it together. “Even though it’s killing me I don’t want to push you, not if you’re not ready. I can wait.”
I think I can do this. I can wait.
Georgia’s hands crept down, her fingers rolling beneath the edge of her tank top. I took another step back, exhaling roughly and running my hands through my wet hair, not really sure what was happening.
Those big, expressive eyes of hers were latched onto me with an intensity that set my world on fire.
“Ben, I’ve been waiting for you since before we met.” With one quick movement she pulled her top over her head and tossed it to the ground.
“Shit,” I whispered roughly.
“I’m done waiting,” she said simply and then she undid her bra and it let it fall away from her.
For one red hot moment I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I didn’t know if this was real or fantasy—hell, I’d been dreaming about her for days. Her nipples were hard, her breasts perfect and soft.
“Touch me, Ben.”
She didn’t have to ask twice. I reached for her and wound my hand into that mess of hair, sliding my mouth across hers, my tongue seeking hers, dancing with hers while my other hand rested on the tips of her perfect breasts.
She pushed into me and I kissed my way along her neck, trailing a line all the way down until I licked and suckled her nipple.
Her hands were in my hair, her fingers sharp along my skull, but she made that fucking throaty sound again and I growled against her wanting more. My hands slipped down her waist and I hooked into her skirt. With one strong pull it was around her feet and she stood before me in nothing but a pair of the sexiest pale blue panties I’d ever seen.
I could barely breathe at this point and hiked her legs around my waist, grunting in pleasure—or maybe pain—when she hooked them around me, her hot crotch pushed against my erection. I pulled her in, her breasts flush to my chest and her mouth on mine.
I don’t know how long we kissed. It could have been a few seconds or a few minutes. All I knew when the fog in my head finally cleared was that I needed to get Georgia into my bedroom and fast.
I carried her through the rain and into my house, not stopping until we were in my bedroom.
Until she was on my bed, her entire body wet, glistening from the rain. Those big eyes regarded me in silence, moving down my body until they rested on the huge bulge in my jeans.
“Ben, if we do this—”
“Oh we’re doing this, Georgia.” I unzipped my jeans and tore the wet denim off until I stood before her in a pair of white boxers that showed off every hard, engorged inch of my cock. I liked the way her eyes stayed there. The way her tongue darted out again and the way she moved her hips as if she was ready for me.
It was the hottest thing I’d ever seen.
“There’s no turning back now, Peaches. I can’t promise that I’ll fuck you nice and slow even though you deserve it, because babe, I’m already there. But I can promise that it will be hot. And you’ll be screaming my name before it’s done.”
I yanked on my boxers, suddenly free, and then I knelt on the floor beside the bed, hands reaching for her knees. “I want to see you,” I said gruffly. “All of you.”