The Stillness Of You

by Julie Bale

I moved behind Georgia, boxing her in against the ledge as we stared down at the band and I whispered next to her ear. “We can leave if you want.”

  Sure I was all about doing whatever the hell she wanted tonight, but the simple fact was, I wanted out of there. I hated that guy and the vibe I was getting wasn’t good.

  Kendall slid up beside us and hip poked Georgia. “Oh my God, they sound awesome!”

  Georgia nodded to her friend and then glanced up at me. “I’m good,” she mouthed. “Are you?”

  No. Let’s get the hell out of here.

  “Yeah,” I answered. “As long as you are.” I pulled her into me as we watched Spleen rock and roll their way through the next ninety minutes.

  By the time their set was done the club was a mess of sweaty bodies, some of whom were basically having sex in the pit below us and the ones in the dark corners were definitely getting down and dirty. The waitress had been over several times and I had moved on from beer to my old buddy Jack.

  My good mood was long gone. It had fizzled right about the time guitar guy—Travis was what the girls chanted below—raised a glass to Georgia and shouted out that their one and only cover tune was one he was dedicating to her. He’d stuck his tongue through his fingers and waggled it before shouting into the microphone, “You’re crazy but I like the way you fuck me! You crazy bitch!”

  Who the hell did this guy think he was?

  Dance music replaced Spleen and I wasn’t sure what was worse. I hated dance music. I hated guitar guy.

  Either way, the music was loud, my buzz wasn’t doing anything to dull it and I needed to be alone with Georgia. There was no way in hell I could get through the rest of the night until I knew the truth about her and tattooed Travis.

  “Let’s go.” I grabbed her hand and turned, pulling her along behind me as I tried to figure out where we could find a bit of privacy. I passed the bar and spotted an exit. Bingo.

  We were nearly there when some asshole turned into me and his beer went flying. The guy was tall and built but if he gave me problems I could take him. Hell, with all the pent up energy running through me I wanted to take him and then follow up with tattooed Travis for kicks.

  “Dude, what the fuck?” he shouted but then his face crinkled and he took a step back. “Hey, aren’t you Ben Lancaster?”

  I shoved past him without answering. The exit led to a stairwell but it was empty and as the door swung closed behind us the noise was easier to take.

  “Jesus, Ben, are you mad about something?” Georgia asked, yanking her hand from mine.

  I ran my hands through my hair and rotated my shoulders. Hell the fuck yes. Hell the fuck no.

  Shit.

  “No,” I said carefully. “I…”

  Her eyes glistened and she licked her lips, tugging on a long curl. She was nervous. Anxious. And I felt like the biggest loser on the planet because it was her birthday for Christ sake and I’d managed to ruin it.

  I groaned and blew out a long breath. How had the day ended up here? I’d woken up with her beside me and after I’d made sweet love to her, we’d spent the day in the pool. We’d talked about music, movies, books and art. We talked about a lot of shit but none of it really mattered, because none of it was about her.

  And that’s what was bugging me—it’s what had bugged me all along—I just didn’t know it until now.

  I didn’t know the real Georgia and it frustrated the hell out of me because I saw glimpses of her when she wasn’t trying so hard to hide herself, and I wanted more. I wanted to know about the girl who painted those freaky weird ass paintings. I wanted to know about the girl who separated her peas from everything else on her plate and ate them last. The girl who crinkled her nose when she was thinking too hard. I wanted to know…

  “You and guitar guy didn’t just date casually.” It wasn’t a question and she knew it.

  For the longest time Georgia said nothing and as each second ticked by my anger grew. It erupted like a balloon inside my chest and my teeth were clenched together so tightly that my jaw ached.

  “I’ve known Travis for a long time.”

  It wasn’t rational, the way I was feeling. On some level I knew that but I couldn’t help myself. It was there. Some big fucking elephant stood between us and I had no idea what it was. I had no idea because Georgia wouldn’t tell me.

  “So you fucked him.”

  Her eyebrows shot up at my crude words and I felt like an absolute shit at the hurt in her eyes. But the feeling passed because the anger overshadowed it. The anger inside me fueled by the Jack I’d inhaled in the bar was becoming as big and nasty as the invisible elephant.

  “Are we doing that now?” she said. “Are we really going to discuss all the guys I’ve fucked?”

  “So there’s been a lot?” I shot back with a snarl.

  Her mouth opened in shock but I didn’t back down. I wanted something more from her. And though I didn’t particularly care to hear the details of every hook up she’d ever had she wasn’t giving me anything else.

  “What the hell is happening? Why are you being like this?” she said, taking a step toward me. Her eyes were all shiny as if she was going to cry. “Can’t we just leave, Ben? Go back to your place and—”

  “And fuck? Because that’s all we do, Georgia.” I took the remaining step until we were so close I could see the sparkles in her eye shadow. Until I could see the thin sheen of sweat along her forehead and smell that sweet summery scent that drove me crazy.

  “We fuck and we eat and we sleep. Then you go out to the barn and paint. You paint weird fucked up faces that mean something, but I don’t know what that something is because you won’t tell me anything about yourself. The only thing you’ve told me is that your mother was fucking crazy and drove herself off a bridge.”

  She gasped. I didn’t care. I was beyond caring about anything except my frustration.

  My voice echoed down the stairwell and for the next few seconds it was followed by the sounds of the heavy breaths that fell from both of us.

  A single solitary tear edged its way down Georgia’s face. Shit. I had done that. I had made her cry. The anger in me was gone as suddenly as it came but when I reached for her she flinched and moved back.

  “You want to know the real me, Ben?” She held out her arms and shrugged. “Here I am. Georgia King. College drop out. Party girl. Addict. Mentally defective.” Her eyes flashed. “You want to know about my hookups? About all the guys I’ve screwed?”

  “Georgia—”

  “You started this Ben so let me finish it. I fucked Travis Bartlett when I was fifteen and I continued to fuck him along with a shit ton of other guys, including a couple Flyers which is why Matt didn’t want me around you. If you want names I can give you that too, you guys can compare notes at training camp.”

  My jaw fell open. That’s not what I expected to hear.

  “I did a lot of drugs, I fucked a lot of guys and even a few girls and I drank a lot of vodka.” She snorted and wiped at her face, scrubbing at a fresh batch of tears. “Something I shared with my dad. Is that what you wanted to know?”

  “Jesus, Georgia.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to feel. This was so far away from what I thought…of what she felt like to me that I was stunned.

  “You look disgusted. Are you? Because you should be, Ben. I’m not the kind of girl you’re going to end up with. I’m not good or pure or even interesting. For a while there, I was a good time. I was a good time to a lot of different people but now I’m a damaged, broken, unfixable girl who thought that maybe…” her voice broke and I took a step toward her, but she shook her head violently and moved back.

  My hands were clenched at my sides and I wanted to punch a fucking hole into the wall.

  “I thought that maybe I could be someone else. I thought that maybe I could be with someone like you but that’s just a fantasy. A stupid, immature fantasy. We can’t change who we are Ben and what I am isn’t something you want. I can
see it in your eyes. The real me is a monster. The real me is in those fucking paintings.”

  She took a step back and reached for the door. “Thank you for tonight,” she whispered and then she disappeared back inside the club.

  I stared at the closed door for so long my eyes blurred. And then the anger in my gut began to burn again. It festered and erupted and it propelled me through the club. I didn’t see Georgia or Kendall or anyone I knew.

  I stalked down the stairs and headed for the doors when a voice stopped me cold.

  “Dude, if you’re looking for Georgia she left. You pissed her the fuck off, which sucks for you but that it’s good for me. I like Georgia pissed off. Like I said earlier, she’s one crazy—”

  “Shut the fuck up,” I growled, itching for him to come at me.

  He did and I flattened him with one punch.

  Fucking great way to end the evening.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Georgia

  It was nearly three in the morning when I let myself into Matt’s loft. The place was dark and quiet. I leaned against the door and let it wash over me, the stillness, the absolute silence, and for a moment or two I tried to pretend that things were going to be okay.

  But they weren’t. They were so far from okay that I was afraid I’d never find that place again. The place I’d found with Ben.

  A sob escaped me and I dropped my head into my hands. I was so tired. So tired and scared and alone and…

  “Where have you been?”

  My head whipped up so fast I banged it on the door, and I’m sure it hurt like a bitch but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel anything except the hot shot of need at the sound of his voice. It heated my entire body in an instant and awakened the pain.

  He was here.

  “I know Matt’s traveling for the team so I figured you would come back here.”

  I flipped the switch near the door flooding the loft with light and it was then that I spied him. Ben stood near the window, his face in shadow, but the clenched fists at his side told me he was still pissed.

  I wanted to be pissed off too but I wasn’t. I was just sad and empty.

  “What do you want, Ben?”

  “You seriously have to ask that?”

  I winced at the tone of his voice.

  “I want the truth. I want to know what the fuck went down tonight. I want to know how you could throw all that shit at me and leave. Do you know how worried I was about you? I’ve been calling your goddamn cell and texting you for hours. It’s three o’clock in the fucking morning, Georgia. Where the hell have you been?”

  My knees began to shake. Did I have it in me to finish this?

  “Or should I ask who were you with?”

  Ouch. That hurt and I glanced away.

  Wearily I pushed off from the door, stepping out of my heels and tossing them to the side. I was bone tired. Emotionally and physically drained. I’d spent hours walking the streets of Philly—not a real smart thing to do but I’d never cared for smart and easy before so why start now?

  I leaned against the sofa that was between us, pushing the tangled hair at my nape over my shoulder. He moved and stepped into the circle of light, still dressed for the club. Dark jeans and white collared shirt with the top three buttons undone. He hadn’t shaved today and there was shadow along his jaw, shadows in his eyes, and his sensual mouth was hard.

  I didn’t have to look at him to know I’d just lost everything I’d ever wanted because I felt it. I felt the loss seep into bone and tissue. I felt it settle between the cracks in my heart and the empty holes in my soul.

  “I wasn’t with anyone. I just…I just walked and tried to…” Oh God, how could I explain?

  “Tried to what? You’re not telling me anything. Do you know how crazy that makes me?”

  Not as crazy as me.

  Without a word I turned on my heel and headed for my bedroom where I rummaged through my underwear drawer until I found what I was looking for. I was back in the main room seconds later and Ben was still standing next to the sofa. There wasn’t one soft thing about him and my heart rate shot up as the pieces inside me began to move.

  God, I wished they would just stop.

  “You want the truth?” I asked harshly, feeding on the friction inside me.

  His glared at me, but I saw the hurt in his eyes and it just made everything worse. “Don’t you think I deserve it?”

  I tossed the bottles at him and watched as he caught them up against his chest. “There,” I said roughly. “There’s the truth.”

  He looked at me as if I was crazy, which of course I was, and then studied the bottles in his hands, turning them over as he read the information on the labels. “What are these?”

  “They’re bottles that hold little pills that define who I am.”

  “Lithium?”

  “Yes.”

  He glanced at the other one. “Klonopin?”

  “Yep.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “No,” I said bitterly. “You don’t.” God, it was hot. I clawed at the top of my halter dress and lifted my hair off my neck.

  “What the fuck, Georgia?” He tossed the pills onto the sofa and rounded it, until he was inches from me. “What are you hiding behind?” He ran his hands through the mess of hair over his forehead and swore again. “I don’t care about pills. I care about you.”

  I exhaled slowly but it did nothing to calm me.

  “I know,” I whispered, the sadness inside me so huge I ached from it. “But you don’t know the real me. If you had met the real me when you first walked into this loft all those weeks ago, I guarantee you would have run the other way. You might have fucked me first, but I’m no keeper.”

  He didn’t look shocked at my words. He folded his arms and glared at me.

  The pressure inside my chest burst, ripping something open. My lips started moving before I could stop them and words fell…words that I wanted to snatch back as soon as I said them. But that wasn’t happening either. I had run out of time and sadly, so had Georgia and Ben.

  “I’m the girl who’s had sex with so many guys I can’t even remember them all. I gave myself away because I could. Because I wanted to and because it made me feel good for about five seconds. I’m also the girl who loved to snort coke and drink vodka in her coffee mug. I’m the girl who would stay up for seventy-two hours straight painting madness, because it felt as if I was creating art.”

  I paused as crush of memories pressed into my brain and sobbed, shaking my head at all the things I’d done.

  “I don’t belong with someone like you, Ben.” My eyes filled with tears and I scrubbed at them angrily, wiping them away in one jerky motion. “I thought I could pretend and move forward and be this perfect girl but who am I kidding? My past, all the shit I’ve done, will never go away and I don’t want you to suffer because of it. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be able to walk into that Flyer dressing room and not have the guys snicker behind your back because you’re with Georgia King. You deserve to hold your head high and not be afraid that some inappropriate picture of your girlfriend won’t pop up online because trust me, they’re there.”

  “Georgia—”

  But I cut him off because I knew he needed to hear everything. “No, we can’t be together and I knew it the moment I met you but I thought…when I’m with you the pieces inside me,” I pounded my chest, welcoming the pain as my nails slashed into my skin. “These fucking pieces that rub against each other and cause all this friction…they slow down and they’re still…and things are good for a while.”

  “Then let them be good,” he said softly, his voice full of emotion.

  God, he was making this so hard but I knew it was time for me to put it all out there. “Ben, you’re like a circle that’s good and whole and perfect. I’m not. I’m sick. I have a mental health condition and my circle is cracked and there are pieces of me that are fragmented, pieces that can’t be fixed. I need those meds in ord
er to function or I become crazy Georgia. I become the girl who gives herself away for no reason. The girl who does drugs and doesn’t care about shit. The girl who stays up for days on end and then crashes hard for weeks. You don’t want that. No one in their right mind wants that.”

  He stepped toward me and I flinched at the anger in his eyes. “How the hell do you know what I want? You haven’t asked. You’ve already decided.”

  “Do you want to be with someone who tried to kill herself? And I’m not talking about some lame ass attempt. I’m talking about the real deal and the only reason I’m standing here today is because of fate. Because my stupid roommate forgot her stupid cell phone.”

  He opened his mouth but nothing came out and I think he finally realized how truly screwed up I was.

  “Do you want to be with someone who spent six months in mental institution? Huh? A girl who’s been arrested? That’s a real nice girl to bring home to your Nana, don’t you think?”

  He just shook his head.

  “You want a family one day, don’t you?”

  “What? Of course I do.”

  “Well I don’t. I refuse to have kids.” My voice broke and the tears started for real. They slid down my face, the hot salty tracks stinging as I stared up into the face I would love forever. “Not when they could turn out like me or my mom. No fucking way.”

  I tried to stop the tears but they flowed harder and my body began to shake from exhaustion.

  When Ben took that final step and wrapped me into his arms I couldn’t push him away. Not in that moment. I needed him in order to get to the next one.

  Eventually my tears subsided and we got there, to the next moment but it was one I dreaded. I pushed against him until he released me and I took a step back, a little unsteady, but at least I didn’t end up on my ass.

  “I can’t see you anymore, Ben. This was never going to work. I’m sorry.”

  My eyes fell to the floor because I wasn’t brave enough to look him in the eye. His boots were scuffed and I noticed mud or splashed beer on the cuff of his jeans.

  “So that’s it,” he said.