The Stillness Of You

by Julie Bale

  I nodded.

  “Do you honestly think I’m just going to walk away?”

  “You have to Ben.”

  “Is that what you really want?” I had to look away because I couldn’t stand to see the hurt in his eyes.

  “I want you to be happy and there’s no happy for you and me.”

  “That’s fucking lame.”

  “It’s all I got.” My voice broke and I pressed my fingers to my trembling lips.

  He turned without a word and headed toward the door but paused, just before he opened it.

  “You’re wrong you know. I love you. All of you. Even the pieces that you won’t show me because all of that stuff makes up your circle and I don’t give a flying fuck if it’s broken. I love every cracked and fragmented piece of you. And when you’re ready, I hope you’ll trust me enough to let me be the one to help you put those broken pieces back together.”

  Oh, God. Why couldn’t he be like a normal guy and just leave? Even now he was too good for me.

  “So you go and see Seamus. You paint as many as those weird screaming faces that you need to. You do whatever the hell it is that you need to do to get to a place where you realize that this is the real deal and that I’m not going anywhere. And when you’re ready to choose me, when you’re ready to choose us, I’ll be waiting.”

  He slipped out the door and left me in silence and for once, the stillness that I craved so much wasn’t enough.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Ben

  I know that in the future when I look back on this night I won’t remember one minute or even one second of my first exhibition game suited up as Flyer.

  I won’t see images in my mind of the crowd, of the black and orange, of the fans or the players. I won’t remember the coach’s instructions, or the shouts from my teammates, or even the rough words of encouragement uttered in my ear by Matt. I won’t remember much of the team we played other than the Penguins didn’t bring it and we won.

  I’m sure I won’t remember seeing my landscaper, Mike, in the stands or my parents sitting just behind the bench with my sister Eden and some guy she was dating who had more facial hair than I did in the playoffs.

  I won’t think about the crush of reporters outside the locker room, or of how I’d barely been able to towel off before I was pulled into a multitude of interviews.

  This was what I had worked for my entire life. Getting to this point. Being here. Being a Philadelphia Flyer.

  And yet the only thing I will remember is seeing Georgia in an oversized Flyers jersey, leaning against the wall, her clear eyes on me. It was the sweetest, hottest fucking thing I’d ever seen, and like a goofy teenager my gut twisted and I felt as if I had been punched in the throat.

  I felt Georgia as if she was standing next to me. Against me. As if she was inside me.

  Someone shoved another microphone in my face, but I sidestepped it, a huge ass grin in place as she slowly turned in a circle so I saw my name and number on her back. Lancaster. Number 9.

  It was as if I’d been tattooed onto her and she belonged to me.

  Dave from Sportsnet asked me something, I have no idea what it was—I just nodded and pushed past him. I ignored the next reporter as well as the many shouted congrats on a great opening game from the gathered crowd.

  I physically moved a female reporter out of the way and still in my skates, walked through all of them, my eyes never leaving Georgia. When I reached her, I felt like a goddamn giant and for a second I said nothing.

  I was scared shitless. Sure, she was here and that was a damn good sign but still…

  A month ago I’d asked her to choose me. To trust me. And for the longest time I thought I had fucked up. I thought that by not forcing myself on her that night I had lost her. And here she was.

  Her eyes were shiny, glittering like pale blue/green diamonds and my finger swept away a tear drop that clung to the edge of her lashes.

  Her bottom lip trembled and for one perfect moment we were alone. There was no crowd. No players. No coaches.

  Just Georgia and I.

  “You came,” I managed to get out.

  She nodded and opened her mouth to say something but a switch turned on inside me and I scooped her up into my arms, my hands in her hair, my mouth on hers. I kissed her with all the emotion that had been clogging up my airways for the past few weeks. We connected with our lips, with our hands and our fingers and I felt her inside me.

  And I don’t think I came up for air until her hands crept along my jaw and I felt the sting of hot tears in my mouth.

  We were both breathing pretty heavy by then and she struggled a bit before she could whisper. “I chose you, Ben.”

  She shuddered against me and for exactly two seconds I felt like the luckiest son-of-a-bitch on the planet.

  “But,” she said softly, her eyes sweeping away as she bit her bottom lip. “Can we talk somewhere or…do you have to leave or…”

  She was stumbling over her words and I was getting a sinking feeling in my gut. But she chose me right? She wanted to be with me right?

  “I’ll do whatever you want, Peaches. Let me grab a quick shower and then we can go back to my place. We can talk. Does that sound good?”

  She nodded, pressing her face into my neck and I slowly let her slide down, wincing as the outside world burst into our bubble. The noise. The people.

  “I love you,” I whispered hoarsely into her ear. “Wait here. Don’t move, okay? I’ll be twenty minutes tops.”

  “Okay,” she said softly, lowering her eyes in that way that drove me crazy as the crowd surged behind me. “I’ll be here.”

  I dropped a kiss onto her forehead and then slid my mouth over her soft lips, murmuring into her, “I love you. I can’t fucking stop telling you that.”

  “I know.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Georgia

  I chatted with Ben’s parents and Eden while I waited for him, and I managed to keep my head low. I didn’t meet the eyes of any press and none of them approached me. So far I hadn’t spied any of the players and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do if I saw Rick Danby. Kind of awkward to be with your boyfriend’s parents and have one of your ex-lovers walk by.

  I was lucky and it never happened, mostly because Ben was the first guy out of the dressing room and after quick hugs with his parents—who were flying out to visit his other sister—he rushed me out of the Wells Fargo Center as if the place was on fire.

  He signed a few autographs along the way and I loved watching him with the young fans. They all adored him and he made them all feel special. He posed for a few pictures and then we left.

  I was nervous and I think it rubbed off on him because we didn’t really talk on the drive home. My left hand was threaded through his because I needed to touch him and the feeling was mutual. The Foo Fighters blasted into the night and they didn’t stop until we pulled up at his place.

  He cut the motor and for a moment there was nothing. No words or looks…just his thumb rubbing a slow, gentle circle on my hand.

  “I have to show you something.” My voice was soft, barely a whisper.

  He turned to me and my breath caught at the look in his eyes. They glittered in the light from the dashboard, the long lashes throwing shadows down his cheeks.

  “Okay,” he said simply, brining my hand to his mouth. My heart skipped erratically as he slid his lips over my knuckles, his eyes not leaving mine.

  I felt his touch as if he’d ran hot coals over my skin and I jerked, a nervous reaction, and he smiled because he knew exactly how he affected me.

  My eyes dropped to his mouth and he shook his head. “Not yet. If we go there now we won’t even make it inside and Peaches, it’s been a long, hard month, but I don’t want to have sex in the truck. I want you flat out on my bed because I’m going to need some time to get reacquainted with your body.”

  I was on fire. I was a molten mess of quivering girlie parts and all he’d done w
as suggest sex. Reacquainted sex. God, could that be as hot as make up sex?

  He smiled that smile that could melt a frickin’ ice queen’s heart. “So what did you want to show me?”

  I exhaled and reached for my door. “Follow me.”

  We walked around his house, Ben in his expensive navy blue suit, me in my official Lancaster Flyer jersey, and headed for the barn. I knew he was wondering what the hell was going on. As far as he knew I hadn’t been out to his place in over a month and up until this afternoon that would have been correct.

  But this afternoon my world tipped a little more toward happy and after I’d visited with Seamus for the last time, I’d headed out here knowing Ben was already at Wells Fargo doing press and stuff for his first game.

  I walked into the barn and didn’t stop until I reached my canvases, Ben right behind me. I flipped the switch and didn’t realize how nervous I was until I began to shake.

  “Hey.” He nuzzled my ear and the tremors multiplied, rippling along my skin until my teeth began to chatter. “What are we doing here?”

  “I wanted to show you something. Something I finished this afternoon.”

  His hands and mouth stilled. “You were here?”

  I nodded and stepped out of him embrace, pointing to the large canvas on the easel. “I finished that for you.”

  He followed my finger and for a few seconds he said nothing. He rubbed his chin and shook his head. “Wow.”

  He took a step forward and stopped again, inches from my painting. “You did this?”

  I moved until I was beside him and I bumped his hip with mine. “Yep.”

  The painting was one I’d started months ago, the day his parents arrived. It didn’t have an ambiguous face with a gaping mouth and hollow eyes.

  It was Ben who stared back at us. A candid painting of how I saw him.

  A head shot, he was glancing over his shoulder, his hair a crazy wavy mess, his smile wide and open, his eyes intense. I’d painted the Flyer logo beneath his right shoulder and the number 9 alongside it.

  “This is what I feel for you,” I said softly. “This is how I see you.”

  “You’re amazing. It’s so…so real.”

  The nervous feeling in my gut pressed in and ruined the moment but I knew it was time to come clean about everything. I also knew that the next few minutes were going to challenge us and since we were in such a new relationship I wasn’t sure how he was going to take it.

  “I’m leaving for upstate New York tomorrow.”

  Fuck me. The words spilled from my mouth before I had a chance to even think about them. About what they meant. About how he was going to react.

  “What?”

  Gone was the smile and he took a step back, hands shoved into his pants pockets a frown on his face. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  I tried to smile but it was a lame attempt and I could tell I was starting to freak him out. I remembered what Seamus had told me. Focus. Be true to yourself. You deserve love. But you deserve to love yourself more.

  Here we were. It was crunch time and I was so nervous I wasn’t sure I could get the right words out.

  “I’m going back to college.”

  He looked relieved and attempted a smile. “Well, that’s great. I mean it, Georgia..”

  “Thanks.”

  Shit, girl, just get it out.

  “Seamus thinks I’m ready to be on my own again so this is kinda the next step you know? But it means I won’t be here and I don’t know when I’ll see you, I…”

  He took a few steps closer until I could reach out and touch him and Lord knows I wanted to. I wanted to bury myself into his embrace and stay there forever.

  “What are you trying to say, Georgia? I don’t get why the vibe is off. It almost feels as if you’re saying goodbye.”

  I swallowed and forced the rest of the words out. “I need to be able to function on my own, Ben. I need to be able to be healthy on my own before I can even consider giving myself to someone.”

  “You’re not being real clear here.” He sounded exasperated and I didn’t blame him. I was fucking this up but good. “Do you love me?” he said roughly.

  “Yes.”

  “Good answer. Do you want to be with me?”

  I nodded. “Yes, but only if…”

  “There is no if.” He interrupted. “You don’t get it. I love you too much for fucking if. What the hell kind of word is that anyway? There is only yes or no. I’m not a yo-yo. I’ve stayed away for almost a month because I thought you needed space and now you show up here, you tell me that you choose me…you choose us but now you’re saying if? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You gotta help me out here, Georgia because I’m not getting it.”

  “I love you, Ben. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person and it’s because I love you so much that I…” I faltered because the pain was so huge. I didn’t want to lose him and I was terrified he was going to see my decision as a rejection.

  “If you love me then what’s the problem? Love is enough. Love has to be enough.”

  Sadly, I shook my head. “No, Ben. It’s not. It wasn’t enough for my parents and I can’t be with you in that way until I know that I will never get behind the wheel of a car and,” my voice cracked and dropped to just above a whisper. “And drive it off a bridge. Until I know I would never hurt you.”

  He shoved his hands into his pockets, but the anger was gone and a glimmer of hope spread through me so fast I felt faint. I took a moment, knowing these were probably the most important words I would ever speak.

  “I want a life with you Ben but I need to learn to live my own life first. I don’t want to be half a person. Not for you. Not for me. We deserve more and I’ve finally realized that.”

  “So what are you saying,” he asked quietly taking a step toward me.

  “I’m saying that I love you. I’m saying that I chose you but I’m also saying that I need to focus on getting healthy and learning to live with my illness. And I have to learn to do it on my own.”

  I exhaled and closed the inches between us, my hands slipping between his arms to encircle his waist as I laid my head on his chest.

  “I’m going back to college. I want to finish my courses. I’m going to continue my therapy with a great doctor that Seamus recommended. I’m going to take my meds and learn to live with my illness and I hope when I’m done…I hope that you’ll still want me because I can’t think about my world if you’re not in it.”

  For several moments there was nothing. No noise. No reaction. Nothing. The room was so heavy with nothing that I was choking on it.

  Then his hands slid out of his pocket and wove their way into my hair, tugging on my head until I was forced to look up at him.

  “Are you breaking up with me?”

  “No.” I shook my head. This was the real important part. “I’m giving you the chance to bow out gracefully because this might not end well and your whole future is ahead of you and,,,”

  But I didn’t finish my words because his mouth was on mine, his lips and tongue and everything about him almost desperate as I opened beneath him. I kissed him back as hard as I could, my hands clutching his shoulders, my body limp against him.

  To feel this much emotion…to feel this much love was scary.

  We broke apart, hearts beating fast and furious. Short of breath he wheezed and his eyes devoured me as if he’d been starving for days.

  “I’ll do whatever it takes to help you get to the place you need to be,” he said. “But why do you think you need to do this alone? Why can’t you go to college nearby and live here with me?”

  A sad smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “That kind of defeats the purpose of doing it on my own. And I already told you that I can’t move forward until I’m 100 percent sure I’m not a danger to anyone. I can’t. I saw what this illness did to my parents and until I own it and rule it, I’m not good for anyone.”

  He
exhaled and swore and for a few minutes the only noise was the wind whistling through the trees outside the barn.

  “I need to do this, Ben. I need to do this for me. I just don’t know if it’s enough for you and I understand it you want to step back. Hell, you deserve a normal non crazy girlfriend and I don’t want to be an embarrassment to you.”

  “Embarrassment? What the hell does that mean?”

  “You know what it means. You’ll get ribbed by some of the guys on team. Danby for sure.”

  “I can handle Danby.”

  “I’m just saying that my past isn’t easy and I don’t want it to hurt you.”

  His eyes narrowed and he looked pissed off. “I want you to understand something. I don’t give a flying fuck about that shit. Got it? What you did and who you did it with, is before. It’s before me. It’s before you and me. So whatever it takes to make this work I’m in. I’m in for the long haul. I’m in it to win.”

  “Are you sure?” I could barely get the words past the huge lump in my throat. I was so afraid he’d think I was too much work. Afraid he wouldn’t want a part time girlfriend.

  “Georgia, this last month has been fucking awful. The only thing that got me through it was training camp. I lived and breathed hockey and it saved me. I want you in my life and I’ll take whatever I can get. I love every inch of you, even the crazy parts. Guys have girlfriends who go to different colleges all the time. We can make it work.”

  “We can make it work,” I repeated stupidly, tears spilling into my eyes.

  “Now come here,” he said roughly, beckoning with his fingers. I ran into his arms and he crushed me to his chest. “What time are you leaving in the morning?”

  “Early.”

  “Who’s taking you?”

  “I’m driving up myself.”

  “No you’re not.”

  I glanced up at him. “Ben, you don’t have to…don’t you have practice or something?”

  His eyes were on my mouth. “Nope. Our next exhibition game is Wednesday so I’ve got this covered. I’ll drive you to school and get you settled, but…” His lips were now inching their way across my jaw until he was nestled at the corner of my mouth.