Crave

by Tessa Vidal

  She took a sip, and I was pleased to see a smile light up her face. Silence threatened to kill the conversation, so I rambled on.

  “I’m not a coffee expert by any means. I was happy drinking whatever was available at the grocery store. One day while walking through Cameron Village a coffee shop had it on sale. It was love at first sip. The taste is so smooth and rich. I researched it, and they only grow it in Jamaica on an actual mountain named Blue. The quality control tests it goes through are very strict. Each cup tastes like liquid heaven.”

  We sat in silence for a few moments. I noticed her eyes on my shelves and wondered if she missed her old job. Did I want to know the answer?

  “Do you miss it? The bookstore, I mean. I know if I didn’t have the restaurants I’d probably want to be in that business myself. I’ve even thought of opening my own. Too many competing interests would make it a poor investment for me. I wouldn’t be able to devote the time and energy to make it a success.” I realized I was still rambling and stopped.

  “I do, and I don’t.” Amber took another sip. I wondered if she would elaborate. I waited, and as usual she didn’t disappoint. “Bartholomew’s Books was the first job I ever had, and he and Kathryn took a chance on me, a stranger new in town who needed a job. I’ve always loved books, so in that respect it was a perfect fit. But there are things I would have changed. For one, I shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did.” She said, a pensive look taking the place of her usual solemn one.

  It surprised me, thinking she’d been perfectly content. She’d never seemed unhappy during our many phone calls and emails before we’d met. Amber stared at me and chuckled. I realized she’d been losing weight. Her cheekbones were more prominent and her jawline more defined.

  “Don’t look so surprised. I’m thirty years old, and I worked there since I was eighteen. I was in hiding, never getting out and exploring the city, or making friends. I’ve started running for the first time, plus I’m joining a gym so I can learn to lift weights. It’s hard because I’m lazy but…”

  I interrupted her without thinking.

  “You are far from lazy. Why the hell are you paying to go the gym when you can use mine? This job is demanding. I know because I’m your boss. You spend an awful lot of time here. Use mine and save money. Bring your workout clothes and use it on your break. I could use a workout partner to tell you the truth. It gets boring doing everything by myself.” I placed my cup on the tray. I’d started ‘talking’ with my hands lately. I worried about spilling it on us.

  “I don’t want to take advan…” She started, but again I cut her off.

  “You are not taking advantage of me. I insist. Plus, it’s hard to learn weight training without instruction. I’ll help you learn, and you can spot me. It works out for both of us.”

  I’d encouraged no one, much less one of my employees to spend extra time with me before. What was wrong with this picture?

  “Well, okay.” She paused for a moment then continued. “Look, I’m sorry if I’m not the most talkative person. I guess I’m used to being around books. I forget how to be human sometimes. The bookstore was always quiet, well, except for Christy. I like working here, and I want you to know that.”

  Her face was red, perhaps embarrassed by her shyness? I stared at Amber for a moment, wondering why my heart was beating faster. Before I could think of a response, my mouth opened and spoke without a filter.

  “You like working here? You do? I’m pleased with your performance.” I stammered. “You’re the best personal assistant I’ve ever had.” I stopped before I could embarrass myself any further.

  What the hell is wrong with me? Don’t cross the line between employer and employee, no matter how close to her you feel.

  Fear gripped me, afraid I had said too much. I might have frightened Amber, and I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. She sat with her face looking down as usual. Then I noticed a barely perceptible upward slant to her lips. Finally she looked up, the hazel eyes behind her glasses latching onto mine for a fraction of a second before turning away.

  “Yes, I like it. I feel more comfortable than I expected. Maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by my favorite books? I’m doing a very different job, but it’s in similar surroundings. I helped you choose these books. Many of your favorites are mine. Plus, I like doing something different for a change. Though I wanted to mention something to you, and I guess this is as good as time as any.” She shifted in her seat.

  My heart stopped for a moment. Was she upset about something? I nodded my head for her to continue.

  “I’ve been here for two weeks. I know my job title isn’t librarian, but I was wondering why you haven’t had me work on your collection? Finding new titles, or maybe cataloging it?” Her eyes left mine for a brief second. She glanced at the shelves, then returned my gaze. My heart slowed back to normal, relief coursing through my veins.

  “I was hoping you’d be interested. I wanted to be sure you were the right fit. I know you’re perfect with books. Trust me, I’m not letting that talent go to waste. I need to feel you fit in here, in my home, before setting you free with my library. To be honest, you are more qualified to take care of them than I. My focus has been on the restaurant opening. After that we’ll have more time to work on the collection. I want to expand it to include more heavy hitting investments, the ones I can resell for profit. You have an excellent eye for those. Besides purchasing from online resources, I want us to travel to shows. We can view them in person.” Excitement coursed through my veins at finding someone who shared my interests. She’d care about the work.

  “I can’t wait to work with them. Let me know when, and I already have a few ideas about expanding it with some new volumes. I’ve kept my eye on a few collectors’ websites. I also know a few places locally. One’s in Asheville. Maybe we can stop by after we’re done with the opening.” Amber finished her coffee and placed the empty cup on the tray. She returned to her seat and resumed work with the never ending invoices. I turned away, light-headed from the exchange. Never in my life had anyone shared the same interests, the same joy of discovering new books.

  My phone vibrated in my pocket. I almost ignored it, but with the restaurant opening coming up I couldn’t. The message stopped me cold.

  Your father is dying.

  Amber

  It was dusk when I left Simona’s house. We’d not spoken much after our conversation, but that was okay. It surprised me how good I felt about it.

  She liked me. She really liked me! Visions of that famous Academy Awards’ speech raced through my head and I laughed out loud. God, I hope no one can see me, a fool laughing to herself walking the streets. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But, I wanted to indulge in the dream that Simona would find a plain, bookish geek like me attractive. But the chances of attracting a successful woman with her shit together was microscopic, to say the least.

  Since I’d arrived in Raleigh, I’d accomplished nothing but keeping people at arm's length. I knew I had to survive, but I did the bare minimum. I was as afraid of my own shadow as much as I was fearful of letting people get close. What did I gain by secluding myself in a dead-end job? I had almost no friends, and a barren love life. Nothing, absolutely nothing was gained by doing that. Maybe now was my time. The time of life where I would reach out to other people and make friends. Hell, maybe I’d even go on an honest to goodness date.

  The geese that ruled the lake at Pullen Park hated me. Christy laughed when I told her about them. They would chase me away if I came too close to their territory, honking and flapping their wings. I was terrified of them. Today I refused to be intimidated by these feathered bullies. I walked on the sidewalk next to the water like everyone else did. As I got closer to the birds by the paddle boats, my legs shook. I knew if I didn’t overcome this stupid fear of geese I’d never get past my other fears.

  Long feathered necks craned to look at me as I passed not ten feet away from them. I braced myself for an assault, keeping my
head high.

  They let me pass. I was not worth the chase, or they had something better to do. Two victories in one day; conquering my fear of geese and... I wasn’t sure what to call it with Simona. The beginning of an excellent boss/employee relationship?

  Whatever it was, I would count both as a win.

  Tonight I would work on the novel instead of thinking my laptop was the enemy. If I could conquer the geese, I could do anything.

  I threw my backpack on the sofa, then realized I’d forgotten to get my mail. I ran down the hallway and opened my box to find the usual bills and junk. When I got back to my apartment, I noticed a letter from my landlord. I opened it, only to find what I had been dreading for years.

  The landlord had sold the building. Work would start in ninety days to turn it into condominiums. I wouldn’t be able to afford it anymore.

  Shit.

  What the hell would I do now? I’d successfully avoided roommates and all the drama that came with them. I plopped my ass on the sofa and tried to be positive about it. I had to count this as a tiny victory. Ninety days was nice of the owners, and not legally required. It could be so much worse. I put my head on my backpack and closed my eyes, resisting the urge to cry. This was an inconvenience, but not the end of the world.

  The next morning I let myself into Simona’s kitchen and started breakfast. After putting water on to boil, I debated whether I should make a full breakfast from scratch, or serve the scones I’d made yesterday. I checked the fridge and saw evidence of a midnight raid. The scones were gone. I pulled what I needed from the pantry and rolled up my sleeves. More scones, or maybe some pancakes? I put the flour in the sifter and positioned it over the mixing bowl.

  “Good morning.” Simona’s velvet voice carried from the hallway outside the kitchen. My hands jerked and flour flew everywhere as I yelped in surprise. I wasn’t used to her being up this early. I put the sifter down and untucked my blouse, lifting it away from my waist to assess the damage.

  “What happened?”

  I looked up and laughed. The look on her face was priceless as she observed the chaos her chirpy good morning had caused. Within seconds I lost my composure, and a braying laughter came out of me.

  She stood in the doorway wearing blue pajama bottoms and what seemed like a much too small white tank top. Simona bit her lip to keep from laughing in my face.

  It didn’t work.

  “You are covered in white! Oh my god!” She bent over, her laughter coming out in staccato bursts. She straightened up and stood by my side, giggles continuing despite the effort she was putting in to tamp them down. She was like a happy kid without a care for bills, restaurant openings, or lunatic personal assistants who couldn’t perform their job without fucking up. Thank God she wasn’t pissed off about the mess.

  “I’m sorry Simona, you startled me, and the sifter just flew out of my hands.” My cheeks burned. A thin layer of flour covered every inch of the countertop, the floor, and me. She grinned, wiped a tear away, then surprised me by putting her hand in my hair. She pulled her hands away and cackled at the flour on her hands.

  “It’s my fault Amber, I didn’t mean to startle you. Next time I’m up a few minutes early I’ll text you or something.” She bit her lip, then lifted the bottom of my shirt.

  I froze.

  Her fingers touched my skin, goosebumps springing forth from her touch. I felt myself getting wet. Every touch burned, and I wanted more. I could have sworn she moved her mouth closer to mine, then she jerked away. She took a deep breath then leaned against the counter.

  “We are driving to Asheville today to meet with the architect. It’s a last-minute thing I decided last night.” I held my breath, wondering if she would hug me or something. I wasn’t used to being touched by anyone, much less her.

  “I have clothes you can wear. I’ll pick something out for you. Jump in the shower and rinse the flour off. Don’t worry about breakfast, we’ll grab something on the road, though coffee would be nice?” She lifted her eyebrow as the kettle began to whistle. I stood there dumbly for a moment, then remembered to turn off the stove and pour the water in the coffee press. My hands shook, spilling hot water on the counter. When I spun around, she was staring at me with wide eyes. I felt naked. “I’ll be right back. I have something that’ll look great on you.” She turned to leave.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to run back to my place? I’m not sure I can fit in your clothes.” It embarrassed me. There was no way she had anything big enough.

  “What are you talking about? We’re about the same size, and I’ve noticed you’ve lost a few pounds. Once you work out in my gym, you’ll see even better results.” I heard her bare feet jog up the stairs and realized I’d been holding my breath. I exhaled, leaned against the counter and reminded myself for the hundredth time I couldn’t fall for Simona. She was the boss; off-limits, and I’d best not forget it.

  Simona’s car was filled with buttons and gadgets I’d never seen before. Almost no sound came from the engine as we headed west on I-40. We listened to NPR while I concentrated on paperwork. Anything to avoid thinking about the fiasco that had taken place earlier.

  She’d brought me a simple pair of chinos and a black button-down shirt similar to what I’d been wearing earlier. She was right; it fit perfectly. I had wiped the flour off my black leather shoes and looked in the bathroom mirror before we left. I was surprised at the image. The woman staring back at me looked polished and professional, instead of my usual bland, thrift store self. Wherever she got her clothes, they cut them to bring out your shape. I felt uncomfortable with my body image, but seeing myself in tailored clothing caused me to hold my head up a little higher.

  “Is something on your mind?” Simona eased down on the brake as we passed by a minor fender bender. She was a mind reader, because I thought I’d hidden my worries better. The scene in the kitchen this morning clued her in since I was usually not such a klutz.

  “I found out last night I have to be out of my apartment soon. It’s going condo, like all the other old buildings in the neighborhood. I need to find a new place to live. It’s painful because I like the neighborhood, but I can’t afford it anymore.”

  Simona smiled and glanced in my direction. I wished I could see her eyes, but they were hidden behind fancy black sunglasses.

  “I could help you with that.”

  “You know of a cheap apartment in my neighborhood?” I couldn’t imagine she would. Maybe she had connections I didn’t know about.

  “No, someplace better, and it would help me a great deal. As you know I turned the garage into my gym, but that’s only the first floor. The second floor is a small apartment I’d constructed for my mother, but she…” Simona’s words tapered off, and her lips tightened for a moment before continuing.

  “It would help me out having you there, though I’m afraid I might work you to death.” Her grimace transformed to a soft smile. Her full lips were glossy, and I had to tear my eyes away from her in order to think.

  I didn’t know what to say. That would be helpful, and there was no way it could be smaller than what I was living in already. That meant I’d be seeing her even more than I already did. I felt the now familiar heat growing inside, the one that could put my job in jeopardy. Could I live with the frustration of always looking but never touching?

  “This brings me to the next topic.” She interrupted my lurid thoughts, her lips tightening. Her voice grew softer, and her brow creased with worry.

  “A family emergency has come up. I have to go to New York for a few days. I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning. Depending on how things go I will be back for the grand opening of the new location. I was hoping you’d house sit, but if you take the apartment over the garage, it would help me out even more. I’d like it if you would.”

  I was unprepared for this. I’d housesit, but I was unsure about moving in permanently. It was bad enough I had a crush on my boss, but I didn’t think it would help matters if I was a
round her 24/7.

  “I know it’s a big decision, especially because of our working relationship. I’d like to think I can trust you. My home would be in good hands with you there. Why don’t you take the apartment on a trial basis? If it doesn’t work out, then you’ll have a place to stay while you find somewhere else.” She placed her hand on my arm for a moment, then put it back on the steering wheel. My skin burned underneath the fabric while my heart raced. Waking up with her across the courtyard from me every morning. Sleeping with her only a few feet away at night.

  “I’ll do it. Yeah, I’ll move in.” Relief coursed through my veins. Unexpected help was always the best kind.

  Simona’s smile brightened, but I worried about what was going on. Her unexpected trip to New York must be very important for her to be leaving so close to the grand opening.

  “Is everything all right? Is someone sick? What can I can do to help?” I murmured, turning in my seat to face her.

  “Thanks for asking, but no, there’s nothing anyone can do. My father is ill, and it’s not looking good. I need to see to him. Trust me, you’re helping me out more than you know just by being here, and you know, moving in to the spare apartment. You’re a lifesaver, and I have no regrets asking you to move in. Don’t feel uncomfortable once you’re settled.”

  I sank back into my seat and sipped my coffee, sneaking a glimpse of her again. I knew this worked for Simona, but how would it be for me? Could I live with rejection only a few feet away, every single day?

  Simona

  “I need you to visit all of my local restaurants. Become friendly with the managers and staff. You are my eyes and ears while I’m away. Build a good relationship with them so they will trust you, since you are by extension, me.”

  Birds chirped as the sun set. The visit and drive back from Asheville went smoothly. We were outside by the pool drinking wine for a change of pace. I wanted her to feel confident and relaxed before I left in the morning. I handed Amber a folder.