Hope Returns

by Dorey Whittaker

  With excitement in her voice she could not cover up, Hope asked, “Does he know about me? Did he ever try to find me, ever?”

  Lisa had prepared for this talk for four long months and here it was, her time to tell it all. “Hope, once I tell you the whole story you will have all your questions answered. Some of it you might think is just rehashing what was said at my trial, but if you just allow me to tell it in a way that puts it all into context, you will finally understand everything regarding your birth.”

  Without waiting for a response, Lisa started in. “As you know, Susan and I grew up in a dreadful household. For most of our lives our father beat us regularly and brutally. Our mother was no better, so all Susan and I had were each other. Many a day started with the question, ‘would this be our last day?’ Since I was eight years older than Susan, I always felt responsible to protect her. I was seldom successful at it, but I really did try.

  “We lived under stringent rules. Our father’s rules were absolute and un-retractable. If he even perceived that we had violated one of them, let alone out and out disobeyed one, his beatings were nearly unendurable.”

  Seeing the look in Hope’s eyes, Lisa ended this description with, “Well, Hope, you saw how he was that night. Just imagine a little kid facing that on a regular basis and you have a glimpse of Susan’s and my childhood.”

  “Moving forward,” Lisa said with a forced lightness in her voice. “As fearful as that kind of life is, a person can only endure so much of it before they just don’t care anymore. How can you care when you can do nothing to stop it? I held on for as long as I could because of Susan. I knew what life would be like for her if I were gone, so I stayed until I had no other choice.”

  Smiling at Susan, Lisa continued, “We were told to never talk to the neighbors. We were ordered to get home from school and get into the house, period. But when I turned fifteen I decided to start breaking his rules. At first I would defiantly sit out on the front lawn, as if to show him he no longer controlled me. However, I did make sure I kept my eye on the far corner so I could see when his car made the turn and I could make a run for the house before he saw me. I would drive Susan crazy with fear. I remember her begging me to come into the house, but there I sat.

  “Within a week or two of doing this, the neighbor boy, Steve Reiner, started sitting out on the lawn with me. He and his mother were well aware of what was going on in our house and Steve was so nice. For months we’d find different ways of communicating with each other. Lots of times, when my parents were home, I would walk out the kitchen door and sit on the trash cans stored beside the fence that separated his house from ours. I would pretend to be reading some homework assignment, but Steve was on the other side of the fence quietly talking to me. I could tell him anything and he would understand.

  “He had seen my father in so many tirades, he knew exactly what my father was capable of, so he was very careful not to put me in harm’s way. He was my best friend. Actually, he was my only friend other than Susan. But I couldn’t talk to Susan. She was just a little kid, but Steve understood what I was going through and he cared about me.”

  Sliding her fingers along the chain that hung around her neck, Lisa displayed a locket as she said, “On my sixteenth birthday Steve gave this to me. He had taken my picture a few weeks earlier and cropped it, along with one of himself, and put them in this locket. Except for the times in jail, this locket has never been off my neck.”

  Reaching for the clasp and releasing the chain, Lisa handed it over to Hope as she said, “Open it, Hope, but be careful. There is a lock of your hair inside it, along with a picture of your father, Steve Reiner, and me.”

  While Hope stared at the picture, Susan’s brain was frantically searching her memory bank for mental images of Steve and Lisa back then. Image after image of them sitting out under the tree in Mrs. Reiner’s front yard, laughing together, flashed before her. She sorted through her memory bank and remembered all the times Lisa sat on those trash cans while she would climb up into her favorite tree. She thought her sister was just reading out loud, when all the time, she was talking with Steve.

  “Hope, what Steve and I did was wrong, but I loved him so much and longed for someone to touch me with gentleness, just once. I began slipping out of our bedroom window late at night and he would meet me at the end of the driveway and, at first, we would just walk the quiet neighborhood, dreaming of the day when we could run away together. Of course, I knew that day would never come because his mother was a sweet widow and he knew it would kill her if he ran away. But still we dreamed. Then, one night we let things go a little too far. Steve was so ashamed. He took full responsibility, but I knew it was just as much my fault, and I also knew that was not going to be the last time we did it either.

  “I was so hungry for his affection I didn’t care about the consequences. I didn’t think about what it would mean to both of us if I got pregnant. I was a stupid sixteen-year-old kid living for the moment and I made it very hard for Steve to say no to me. He wanted to. He tried to, but I always won out.

  “I had missed my second period before it dawned on me that I might be pregnant, and then I panicked. Suddenly, all the horrible consequences of our actions became crystal clear to me and the day dreams ended.”

  Watching Hope’s face as she said, “Horrible consequences,” made Lisa stop to explain. “Hope, you were never one of the horrible consequences, never. That night I realized I could never again allow my father to beat me, not for my sake, but because of you. I could not risk him hurting you. I also knew that Steve was in real danger.”

  Susan’s head nodded vehemently, knowing full well just what their father would have done to Steve.

  “I had to do something, and quickly. I knew I could not tell Steve about you. He would never have let me go if he knew. I knew I could not stay home. Beatings were such a regular part of our lives that, even if I could keep you a secret for a couple of months, any one of his beatings and I could have lost you.

  “I had three people I felt responsible for…. And none of them were me. First of all, I needed to protect my baby. Secondly, I needed to protect Steve. And finally, I was sick with fear for Susan, but I was only sixteen and had no power to do anything but run.”

  Hope had held her breath for several seconds before she exhaled, and asked, “So you ran away to save us both? Did you ever contact him later on to tell him why you left?”

  “Sadly, Hope, I did not. I had made my way out to California, found an adoption agency that would help me during my pregnancy, and found you a good home. For several years I thought about writing to him but I was afraid. How could I tell him I’d given our baby away? So I just tried to forget everything—Steve, you, and Susan. I tried to numb myself of anything that had ever mattered to me. Consequently, I just fell apart and you know the life I fell into.

  “It wasn’t until Susan and Gladys got me off the drugs and off the streets that I started to care again. One day I went to the library while I was in Atlanta visiting with Susan. It had been years since I had stepped foot in Atlanta and I was afraid to go by the old house and see if Steve or his mother, still lived next door. I went through old newspaper issues, trying to find some mention of Steve.”

  Susan sat there reeling from all this new information and tried hard to let Lisa and Hope have their own personal time together without her interrupting. As Lisa kept talking, she remembered the July day, back in 1974, just days before her wedding, when she and Scott had called on Mrs. Reiner. Susan had wanted to have someone from her past on her special day so they drove over to her old neighborhood in order to personally invite her sweet former neighbor.

  While listening to Lisa tell Hope how hard she had searched for information, Susan sat there knowing exactly where Steve had been all these years but waited to see if Lisa had found out the truth for herself.

  Lisa then said, “Hope, I was shocked when my lawyer, Mr. Duncan, told me that Mrs. Reiner was going to testify at my trial. He d
idn’t know about you at the time and he would not agree to let me meet with her, or any of the witnesses because he did not want their testimony questioned. By the time Duncan knew about you, he still did not know how you connected with Mrs. Reiner. It’s probably a good thing, too. It was hard enough for me to sit there listening to her testimony, knowing what I had cheated her of. She sat in the courtroom the day you testified, never knowing she was looking at her own granddaughter.”

  With a broken and fragile voice, Hope responded, “I never looked around. I wasn’t allowed in the courtroom during anyone else’s testimony. I should have looked around. I should have paid more attention.”

  Susan decided that now would be a good time to interject herself into the conversation. Leaning forward, taking hold of Hope’s hand, she said, “Hope, you did exactly what Mr. Duncan asked of you. You stepped forward, told the truth, and saved your birth mother’s life. I’m actually glad none of us knew all of this during the trial. It was hard enough staying on point; I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have all these other facts swirling around in that courtroom.” Looking over at Lisa for approval, Susan said, “Lisa, I think I have some information that you both need to know. I’ve had this information for eleven years, but I did not know it would be important to you.”

  Responding with great curiosity, and with full trust in anything Susan might say, Lisa asked, “Well, what is this information you’ve had for eleven years?”

  Not wanting to just blurt it out, Susan started out by explaining how she had come across this information. “Hope, I got married in 1974. Wanting someone from my past at my wedding, I went to see Mrs. Reiner just days before my wedding. As we visited I noticed there were no recent photographs of her son. I remember picking up a photo of Steve in his uniform and was kind of afraid to ask about him.”

  Both Hope and Lisa stiffened, their minds running ahead of her, preparing for the worst.

  “Mrs. Reiner told me Steve had kind of fallen apart during his senior year of high school. He had dropped out of sports, stopped caring about college, and just seemed lost.” Turning to Lisa, she added, “At least now we know why he fell apart. Anyway, she said he barely made it through graduation and spent that summer driving his motorcycle like a madman. She finally convinced him to join the marines. He needed something to get him out of his funk, she said.”

  Taking a deep breath, Susan plunged ahead, knowing what she was about to say was going to profoundly hurt both of these women. “Steve was almost through boot camp when he and a buddy decided to take their liberty by hopping onto Steve’s motorcycle and heading for the nearest big city. Mrs. Reiner said Steve lost control of the motorcycle on a turn and went right into the path of an oncoming semi. He was killed instantly.”

  Susan sat there quietly, allowing this information to sink in. Lisa fell back against her chair and cried softly. The love of her life had been dead for all these years and she didn’t even know it.

  Hope sat there staring at the photo of her father in the locket while tears streamed down her face. “I didn’t even get to meet him. I found him and lost him all at the same time.”

  Seeing her birth mother in so much pain, Hope extended the locket toward Lisa, “Here, he gave this to you. It’s yours.”

  Lisa did not take the offered locket, but rather clasped both of her hands around her daughter’s hand and, closing Hope’s fingers around the locket, said, “Hope, I held onto that locket for years, hoping someday to give it to you. I always wanted you to know that you were conceived in love. You were given up because you were loved. This necklace is now yours.”

  Lisa’s heart so wanted to take her daughter into her arms and hug her, but sat there frozen with doubt. Would Hope accept affection from her? She envisioned Hope making a dash for the door, running to the only father she had ever known, the one sitting in the room right across the hallway. Watching her daughter struggling to absorb all of this new information, Lisa thought about something Ben had said the night before. “Lisa, you have asked for wisdom. Let that wisdom guide you tomorrow. Listen to it and don’t get paralyzed by fear.”

  Lisa gave Susan a confident smile, released her hands from around Hope’s hand, and gently raised her daughter up from the sofa and took her into her arms. This was not a time to what-if things. Her daughter was right in front of her and she was hurting. As Lisa’s arms drew Hope to her, Hope’s body surrendered and her full weight rested against her mother.

  Struggling to gain self-control, Hope, still resting in her birth mother’s arms, confessed, “Lisa, I don’t know what to call you. I don’t want you to think I am rejecting who you are to me by calling you Lisa. I also do not want to offend my mother by calling you Mother. Is it okay with you if I call you Mom?”

  Susan quickly looked away, allowing her sister to have this precious moment with her daughter. She heard Lisa struggling to control herself at this request and started praying for her sister. Finally, it came, “Hope, I would love for you to call me Mom, or Lisa, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable.”

  For the next several hours Hope listened while Lisa and Susan told her all about her father, Steve. Their stories were filled with laughter. This young man Hope was getting to know, through these two women, was someone she yearned to meet, but that was only going to happen through their stories.

  Out in the hallway, Daniel Winslow put his ear to Hope’s door, trying to hear what was going on in his daughter’s room. He was surprised to hear laughter. He wasn’t really sure what he had expected to hear, but he knew he did not expect laughter. Checking his watch, he realized that their dinner date was going to be delayed. Closing his door, Daniel mused, “Well, at least things seem to be going well for Hope. Guess I’ll give her another hour before ordering room service.”

  Back in Hope’s room the laughter continued. “Hope, your dad had a great sense of humor and he got that from his father. I remember way back, I must have been twelve, and Susan was about four. The Reiners had a huge veggie garden in their back yard and I would hide in our garage, peeking through the cracks in the siding, watching his family work in the garden. Once, Mr. Reiner picked some veggies and yelled, ‘Veggie fight,’ and tomatoes started flying. Steve was laughing so hard he couldn’t get a tomato off before his dad would get him with another really gushy one. Mrs. Reiner just ran for cover.

  “Mr. Reiner was always doing something crazy. Another time he was painting their house and he filled a paint bucket with water, pretending it was paint. When Steve came out to bring him a glass of water, he stepped under that ladder his dad was on so he could hand it up. Mr. Reiner pretended to lose control of the paint bucket and dumped the whole thing down on Steve. It took Steve a few seconds to realize it was just water and Mr. Reiner actually had to climb down off the ladder because they were laughing so hard.

  With a far-away look, Susan added, “They were always laughing over there. Hope, I remember once, I must have been about six years old, Lisa and I climbed up in my fig tree just to watch the Reiner family working in their yard. This time it was Steve who got the better of his dad. I guess Steve must have set up his joke earlier in the day. When his dad had finished weeding the veggie garden, he asked Steve to turn on the hose so he could give everything a good drink of water. We watched Steve signal his mother to move out of the way, and then he turned the hose on full force. I’m not sure just what he did to that hose but his dad got soaking wet and started yelling at Steve to shut off the water.

  “At first, Lisa and I were scared, thinking Steve was in real trouble, but his dad started laughing. We didn’t really understand them very well, but we both knew we’d rather be living in the Reiner house than ours.”

  Lisa and Susan took turns telling one story after another, laughing at whatever funny thing Steve or his dad had done. By the end of the afternoon, Hope had a very clear imagine of her father, and was laughing right along with Lisa and Susan. Susan noticed that both Lisa and Hope seemed much more relaxed and every onc
e in awhile, Hope would grab Lisa’s arm, begging her to stop a story so she could catch her breath. Susan also noticed the look in Lisa’s eyes every time Hope did this. Her daughter, reaching out and touching her, with laughter in her voice, and a casual freedom in her touch…. Today could not have turned out any better.

  Susan knew Lisa did not want this day to end, but it had to. There would be other days, they were sure of that now. Checking her watch, Susan suggested, “Hope, do you think your dad is waiting dinner for you? I can’t believe it is almost six o’clock.”

  Trying not to sound pushy, Lisa offered, “Hope, would you and your dad like to get out of this hotel for the evening? Gladys can put a dinner on the table faster than anyone I know, and she would love to have some time with you.”

  “That sounds tempting, but this has been a really long day and I’m exhausted from all the tears and laughter. I promised to call Michael and I’m sure my parents are worried about how today went.” Then turning a beaming smile toward Lisa, Hope said, “I can’t wait to tell them all about my wonderful birth father and that I have an amazing mom.”

  Putting her arms around Lisa, Hope suggested, “May I have a rain check? Are you busy tomorrow?”

  Lisa’s knees almost buckled beneath her out of pure ecstasy. “Tomorrow will be great. How about nine-thirty? I am sure Gladys will go all out with one of her famous southern breakfasts. Be sure to tell your dad he is more than welcome.”

  Pondering this for just a moment, Hope suggested, “No, I think I want to come alone tomorrow. My dad will understand. We’ve talked a lot about how hard it is going to be to let you into my life, without feeling disloyal to my parents. They understand it better than I do. If my dad is there I will be worrying about how he is feeling instead of how you and I are feeling. He’s had my love for twenty-two years and he knows that will never be taken away from him. You and I only have tomorrow and then I have to fly back to California and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to come back. I don’t want to share you right now. I want to learn as much as possible about you and Aunt Susan,” flashing a big smile Susan’s way, “and even my new sort-of grandmother, Gladys.”