Rocks and Stars

by Sam Ledel

Jax leans forward, one finger tracing down my cheek. “Don’t play coy with me, Kyle. That strawberry-haired girl you were just talking to.”

  “Oh, Beth. She’s just a girl I used to play with back in high school.”

  Jax takes a drink of the beer in her hand, downing it and making a show of tossing the can into the sink across from us. It clanks around, and I wince as everyone in the room turns to look at us.

  I lower my voice. “Jax, tone it down a little, okay?”

  “Sure, babe,” she slurs, grabbing another beer from the tub next to us. “Whatever you say.” Then she saunters off into the living room, motioning for Callie—who gives me a sympathetic look over her shoulder—and Katie to follow her. I sigh and walk out into the backyard where a lot of Emily’s parents’ friends rove around the patio. I end up in a conversation with a man who’s a mutual friend of her parents and mine, but I struggle to concentrate. I keep glancing inside, afraid I’ll find Jax stumbling over furniture or breaking lamps. At eleven forty, I finally excuse myself and head back inside. I scurry past Alex and some of his friends in the kitchen and close the guest bathroom door behind me.

  Closing the toilet seat, I sit down and lean my head back. When did parties become like this? When did every outing turn into babysitting Jax? Wasn’t I supposed to be having fun, too? I fish into my pocket and pull out my cell phone. Before I can think about it too much, I scroll to my messages from Joey and begin to type a new one. After several tries, I finally send her one that doesn’t feel weird to write.

  Happy New Year!

  I tuck the phone back into my pocket, nodding in approval. No harm in saying that, right? Everybody’s sending those tonight. No big deal. With a deep breath, I adjust my shirt in the mirror, then step back out into the party.

  “Hey,” says Alex. “You okay?”

  I nod. “Yeah. I’m good, just freshening up. Fun party.”

  He beams. “Emily is an amazing hostess. I just try to help where I can.”

  I smile. “You do wonderfully.” He nods and takes a drink from his beer. “Have you seen Jax lately?” I ask, looking around.

  Alex raises an eyebrow, then points to the living room. I say bye to him and walk over to lean against the doorjamb, looking into the crowded room. The lights have been dimmed slightly, the countdown to the ball dropping showing fifteen minutes left on the TV next to the fireplace. I scan the room, my eyes roving over people milling around, wineglasses in hand while conversation floats through the room. I spot Callie on one end of the couch, typing on her cell phone. Then I nearly cough on my beer when my eyes land on Jax. Her legs are crossed toward Katie, who herself looks like she’s had three too many. They both giggle, and Jax runs her hand over Katie’s thigh.

  My face is hot when I push through everyone on my way to the couch. When I stand over Jax, I’m practically seething.

  “Kyle, hey,” Katie says, giving me a sloppy wave.

  “Jax, can I see you for a minute?”

  “I’m talking to Katie,” Jax replies, rolling her neck back to look at me.

  “Jax, please.”

  “Fine.” She gets up, throwing a wink to Katie. “It’s getting warm in here anyway.”

  I follow Jax to the front door. She swipes her coat off the rack in the corner, and I grab mine before we step outside. Jax fumbles as she pulls on hers and falls over the front step. I rush to catch her.

  “My savior,” she says, pulling me closer as we stumble in the grass. She tries to kiss my neck, but I step back.

  “What the hell were you doing in there, Jax?”

  “What?” She wobbles but regains her footing and holds out her arms. “What are you talking about, Kyle?”

  “In there with Katie. What were you doing?” Jax rolls her eyes. Then she reaches into her coat pocket. “Don’t,” I tell her, stepping forward. But she rushes backward, yanking the flask away from me.

  “God, who are you, my girlfriend or my mother?”

  Just then the front door opens, and Emily steps out, her coat wrapped tightly around her.

  “Oh goody,” Jax mutters before taking a long drink. “My favorite teammate.”

  Emily’s wide eyes go from Jax to me. “Everything okay out here?”

  “Just peachy, Cap’n.” Jax sways and gives Emily a salute.

  “Maybe we should go,” I say.

  “But it’s almost midnight,” Emily says softly, moving toward me.

  “I know, but I don’t want to make a scene,” I tell her, my voice low.

  “Too late for that!” Jax shouts, swaying before she falls onto the frost-covered grass, cackling into the cold night air.

  “God,” I say, moving forward to help her up.

  “Kyle, let me help.” Emily grabs Jax with me, but Jax jerks away from Emily once she’s standing back up.

  “Please. Don’t act like you care about me.”

  Emily holds her hands up in front of her. “I’m just trying to be helpful.”

  Jax scoffs. “You’re a piece of work, you know that? You, with your never-ending Goody Two-shoes act, and you,” she snarls, pointing at me, “my girlfriend, flirting the night away with anyone who walks by.”

  Emily turns to me, and I stare back at Jax.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I say, my jaw stiff from the cold.

  “Please.” Jax laughs. “Like you don’t know. You and Shirley Temple in there. I saw you two.” She gestures to the house, stepping closer. I choke back a cough at the smell of liquor on her breath. Jax sneers and runs a hand up my thigh, slipping it under my shirt. “You could’ve lit a match with all that tension.”

  I force her hand away. “Jax, there was no tension. There was nothing!”

  “What is she talking about?” Emily asks, her voice still low as she stands next to me.

  I sigh. “I was talking to Beth.”

  “Beth! That’s the one,” shouts Jax. Then she turns to Emily. “Thanks for inviting her, by the way.”

  Emily pulls back her shoulders. “That’s enough, Jax.”

  “I agree,” I say, reaching out to steady her, but she stumbles backward again.

  “Oh great, two against one.” Jax laughs, then reaches for her keys inside her coat pocket.

  “You’re not driving,” I say, stepping forward.

  “Sure I am.” Jax makes a move for the car, but I step in front of her. Cheers erupt from inside the house, and a countdown from ten begins.

  “Em, please, go back inside. I’m sorry. This is my fault.”

  “It’s not your fault, Kyle,” Emily says as Jax, her arms still out, jingles the keys in front of me in a taunt. Emily sneaks around and grabs them from her, and she spins around. Emily tosses me the keys as the countdown hits five.

  “Thanks,” I say.

  Emily smiles, but her eyes are brimming with tears. My face is hot, and I bite my tongue not to cry. “Happy New Year, Emily.”

  I grab Jax, who continues to holler absurdities into the night as I get her into the passenger seat of her car. The house explodes in cheers, the sound of champagne bottles popping a boisterous welcome to the New Year.

  In the driver’s seat, I tug Jax’s seat belt over her while she laughs hysterically. No longer able to hold them back, the tears roll down my face as I start the car and drive away.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Finally, I pull into the dark parking lot of our hotel fifteen minutes from Emily’s house. I turn off the engine, slump into my seat, and glance at Jax next to me. She’s slipped in and out of consciousness since we left the party. One of her arms is splayed against the window, her head resting in the crook of her elbow. With a sigh, I pull down the overhead mirror. I hardly recognize my reflection; my makeup runs in staggered streaks down my cheeks, my face is flushed, and my eyes are puffy. I grab a used Kleenex from my cup holder and try to wipe away some of the shame from the last few hours.

  After several minutes, I take a deep breath and pull myself out of the car. When I open the pass
enger side, Jax groans and falls forward. I undo her seat belt and pull her upright to stand next to me, one of my arms around her waist.

  “My knight in shining armor,” she mutters, barely opening her eyes as we stumble into the hotel lobby. The lone concierge eyes us with a grin from behind the desk as we shuffle over the tile floor that echoes our footsteps into every inch of the room. Jax waves at him, and I adjust my grip on her, practically dragging her behind me into the elevator. After I hit the fourth floor button, Jax pushes out of my grip and tumbles into a corner, squatting with her head leaning against her knees.

  I stare at nothing but the doors until they open. Then I pick Jax up, and she lets me lead her to our room. I dig into my pocket for the key and push the door open. Once we’re inside, Jax falls into the bathroom and retches. I close the door for her and collapse into the desk chair next to our open window that overlooks my hometown.

  The sobs seize me like a fist wrapping its fingers deep around my lungs. I clutch my stomach and tug my coat collar up around my face to quiet my cries. Heat flicks at my legs and neck as I weep, and eventually I have to shed my coat, the top of it now soaked in tears and makeup stains on one sleeve. Jax continues to throw up in the bathroom and I cry out at the sound of it, flinging my coat against the window.

  When my breathing finally slows, I gather myself enough to text an apology to Emily, telling her that I made it to the hotel. Sniffling, I scroll to the message I sent Joey earlier. The “read” checkmark underneath it glares back at me. My throat tightens and I cough before setting my phone down. I’m sure Joey’s out having fun. No need to respond to a mess like me anyway.

  After another deep breath, the bathroom door opens behind me. Jax staggers out into our room. She doesn’t even look at me as she strips off her top and collapses into the queen-size bed in the middle of the room. Her face hits the pillow and she’s out immediately.

  I run a hand through my hair, watching her breathing turn steady. I go over and pull off her heels and set them next to the bed. When my phone rings, I dig around in my coat pocket and fall back into the desk chair. I clear my throat when I see my brother’s name on the screen.

  “Hey, Kevin.”

  “Happy New Year, sis.” Sounds of a party on the other end buzz through the phone.

  I choke back another sob at the sound of his voice. “Thanks, Kev. You, too.”

  “Are you okay?” I purse my lips, trying with everything I have to keep from crying at the concern in his voice. I cough and nod. But no words form and I stare out the window. “Kyle?”

  “I’m fine,” I stammer. “Great, actually.”

  “Are you sure?” Kevin asks after a few moments.

  “Yeah, all good here.” I sniffle and wipe my eyes, then readjust in the chair. “Did you have fun ringing in the New Year? I didn’t realize you were going to a party.”

  “I wasn’t,” Kevin says. I frown and switch the phone to my other ear. “I was at home, but…I had to leave.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Mom and Dad.”

  “They weren’t home?”

  “Oh, they were home.” He clears his throat as somebody shouts Happy New Year and pops confetti in the background. “We were watching the countdown. Then at around eleven, they blew up. They had both gone into the kitchen to get more pizza. And then all I heard is shouting.”

  “What was going on?”

  “I don’t know,” he says. “Something about Austin. Maybe Mom doesn’t like Dad traveling? Whatever it was, they couldn’t agree on it. Dad slammed the bedroom door and Mom told me good night, then went into the office.”

  “God,” I say, my head leaning on my hand against the desk.

  “Yeah. I called Mike and I came over to his parents’ house. They were throwing a party. Mostly a bunch of old people. But more fun than being home.”

  I shake my head, my eyes fixated on the city lights stretched out like stars below our fourth-floor window. “I’m sorry, Kevin.”

  “Not your fault,” he says. “It was honestly kind of nice.”

  “It was?” I sit back in my chair, one knee tucked to my chest.

  “I mean, you know how they are. They never talk about anything. It was kind of a relief for something other than school or work or the weather to come up. Of course, the neighbors probably heard. But…”

  “I guess I know what you mean. We do have a tendency to bottle things up, don’t we?” I ask, glancing over at Jax passed out on the bed.

  “Maybe they’ll work it out,” Kevin says after a minute.

  My eyes are still on Jax, her back slowly rising and falling. “Yeah. Maybe.”

  Somebody yells my brother’s name on the other end. “I guess I should go,” he says.

  Tears well up again, and I rub one hand over my eyes. “Sure,” I say, doing my best not to sound like a trainwreck. “Thanks for calling.”

  “Happy New Year.”

  I cough again as the tears run down my cheek. “Happy New Year, Kevin.”

  Holding tight to the phone after we hang up, I drop my head down while my whole body trembles. Slowly, I drift off into a dark, dreamless sleep, wishing that everything from tonight was nothing more than a terrible dream.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  My grip slips on the bench press bar, and Emily reaches out to catch it before it falls onto my chest.

  “Easy, Kyle.” She helps me pick it up and set it back onto the holder above my head. My arms collapse on either side of the bench I’m lying on in our weight room. “I think it’s time for a breather,” she adds.

  The sound of metal clanging against iron bounces around the mirrored walls as our team hits the thirty-minute mark early on a January Monday morning. Callie is spotting Mary on the leg press machine to our right, and Elaine and Haley are on the other side of me doing tri-dips. The rest of the team sits in wall squats across the room.

  “I want to go again,” I tell Emily, drying my hands on my shorts and reaching back up for the bar.

  Emily’s hands fly to her hips and she tilts her head at me. “And you will. In a few minutes, after you’ve let your muscles rest.”

  I heave a sigh and slide out from under the bar so I can sit up. She hands me a towel, and I wipe the sweat from my forehead. “Sorry,” I say, taking a drink from my water bottle next to me. “Guess I’m a little tense.”

  “Yeah, just a little.” Emily leans forward, lowering her voice as Coach Gandy walks up and down the line of girls against the opposite wall. Her dark hair is pulled into a high ponytail and her jaw is set while she nods approvingly at my teammates, a few of them straining against the wall to fight the quiver in their legs. “Are you doing okay?” Emily asks me.

  I glance quickly over at Jax, whose back is flush against the wall between Katie and Sarah. My jaw clenches. “I’m fine.”

  Emily follows my gaze, then quickly scoots around the bench and slides next to me. “Are you sure?” I brush the hair off my sticky forehead and shrug. “Are you two okay? You haven’t talked about her much since New Year’s.”

  “We’re fine,” I say, running the towel around my neck, my eyes falling back down to the scuffed floor. “I mean, she apologized for everything. She’s done nothing but apologize over the last three weeks.”

  “Good. She has a lot to apologize for,” Emily states matter-of-factly.

  “Trust me, I know. Though I’m not sure she even remembers what happened. She knows I was mad at her. And she’s sorry. But…”

  “But it’s hard to feel guilty when you don’t even know what you should feel guilty for.”

  I nod. “Exactly.”

  “Keep those legs bent, ladies!” Coach Gandy barks to the group of girls against the wall. Most of their faces are flushed, sweat dripping down from their temples. A couple of the freshmen have collapsed onto the floor. I notice Joey at the end of the line, her face stoic in concentration. My eyes drift down to her calves, and then trace up her knee, following the noticeable line of h
er hamstring until it disappears into her shorts. “Ladies!” I jump and Emily hops up off the bench. “If you want to gossip, go join the cheerleading squad. If not, get back to work!” Emily rushes behind the bar to spot me, and I lie back down.

  “Sorry, Coach,” Emily apologizes, holding out her hands as I lift the bar and start a new set of reps.

  “Yeah, no slacking, Captain,” Haley adds from the mat on the floor.

  “Oh, like you haven’t spent the last thirty minutes divulging your trip to the Bahamas with Elaine over there?” Emily replies with a playful grin.

  “Don’t blame me for having a fun time over the holidays,” Haley says, switching to lie on her back and starting a set of crunches.

  Elaine moves to hold Haley’s feet down and says, “Speaking of holidays, did you guys hear about Joey?”

  The bar wobbles above me, and Emily helps me set it back into the holder. “What about her?” I ask, glancing up at Emily, who just shrugs at my curious look.

  Elaine lowers her voice, glancing quickly at Joey and the others who are dipping back into another wall squat. “Well, T. was out at Georgina’s on New Year’s Eve, you know, the gay bar in Dallas? And T. said that she saw Joey with Andrea Webber draped on her arm the entire night.” Elaine punctuates the end of every sentence as she speaks, like a news gossip reporter relaying the latest breaking headlines.

  “Andrea Webber?” Emily asks, stooping to ensure no one can hear her. “As in Meadowbrook swim captain Andrea?”

  Elaine nods, her eyes wide. “And they apparently spent the whole night together. Dancing, drinking, you know.” She gives us all a suggestive look.

  “Well, good for Joey,” Callie says, pulling up into another sit-up.

  I huff and grab for the bar again. “Yeah, good for her.”

  * * *

  “Kyle, I think you’ve scrubbed long enough.” Emily’s voice floats over from the other side of the shower curtain.

  “Just a few more minutes!” I shout back over the flow of the water.

  “Well, make it quick. You’ve got Spanish in twenty minutes.”