Brick Shithouse

by Bijou Hunter

  “I feel as if she might kill you,” Chipper whispers loudly.

  “No, she knows Cap would cry if I died,” Cricket whispers loudly back. “And no woman finds a crying man sexy.”

  Cricket looks at me, holds my gaze until she’s certain I only see her, and then she gives me an over-the-top wink. I chuckle at her attempt at subtlety. Audrey blinks a few times and then relaxes against me.

  As the conversation turns to the babies slobbering on each other, Audrey leans down to whisper in my ear. “Cricket is your family’s Rando, and Tatum is your Lily. So which one is Colton?”

  “Chipper doesn’t fuck everything in sight, but he’s a jerk with a solid right hook.”

  A smiling Audrey kisses me, having settled into my family by understanding her role as Audrey with the Hayes clan will be quite similar to the one she plays with the Johanssons.

  AUDREY

  I’m sure I’ll hate Cricket after she calls me a hobbit. I’ve hated people for less. Then she goes and surprises me while we’re setting the table. I’d been barely listening to the inside jokes between Chipper, Poet, and her until she calls my name and returns me to the conversation.

  “Most people in town will treat you right,” she says before leaning closer. “But some women around here won’t appreciate you taking Cap off the market. My angelic brother hasn’t a clue these bitches exist, and he won’t think to warn you, but they’re always plotting to steal his giant heart. No offense to your legendary biker father’s stink, but the name Johansson doesn’t mean shit around here. Those hoes might fuck with you, and if they do, you don’t need to go at them alone. Now, I know all about your brass knuckles,” she says, waving her hand dismissively, “and how you’re a ball-busting badass. That’s fine and well, but you’re my baby brother’s bitch, and that makes you special to me.”

  Cricket stops talking to check on Magnus who hollers triumphantly over something only he understands. Once she knows the baby is fine, she looks at me again.

  “No one fucks with my family, so you just let me know if anyone gives you grief. Even if something just feels off, feel free to ask me. I’ll let you know the score with the women around here. I had to do the same shit when Chipper fell in love with Tatum. Can you even imagine someone wanting to fuck with that sweet pea? Gotta be a fucking monster to pick on her especially since Tatum’s mom had just recently died and she was all alone in the world before Chipper. No, I wasn’t letting them mess with Tatum, and I won’t let them mess with you even if your family is alive, and you can kick ass.”

  “Thank you,” is all I can say since Cricket has a way of making her niceness seem fake. I suspect it’s because she doesn’t use that skill very often.

  “No worries, little one.”

  “I’m not little.”

  “You’re not big, though. You do understand that, right?”

  “Your family is just very tall.”

  “It’s true my mother is on the taller side,” Cricket says, glancing outside where Candy brushes the dog. “Can’t imagine Dad falling so hard for a smaller woman, but then you went and snagged my little bro’s heart. It’s the most precious thing to see him in love. A little gross, sure, but mostly adorable beyond belief.”

  I stare at her, unable to think of anything to say. She’s thrown me completely off my game. Just minutes earlier, I wanted to sneak up and punch her in the back of the head in the same way Pop always wants to do with Hayes. Now Cricket’s behaving like a protective older sister.

  “You have beautiful children,” is the best I can come up with under the circumstances.

  “I know. They take after their daddy. Isn’t he the sexiest bastard ever?” she asks, basking in his beauty.

  Frowning, I’m not sure the right answer. So I go with the honest one. “No. Cap is.”

  Cricket focuses her gaze at me and narrows it. “Good answer. I can’t have my future sister-in-law hot for my man. We’re not trailer trash, you know?”

  “I know.”

  “Do you, though?”

  “Yes. You’re something for sure, but it’s not trailer trash.”

  Grinning, Cricket turns toward the adjoining kitchen. “I like her, Cap. She’s feisty. Like Bianca Bella but without the world-weary bullshit.”

  Hearing the name of Cap’s first crush puts me on edge, but his smile disarms my lousy mood. I know he likes having me surrounded by the people he loves. Unlike how I felt when we were in Ellsberg, Cap doesn’t seem to care if his family wants me around. Rather than stressing first impressions, he’s content to have everyone special to him in one place.

  Well, not everyone. I still need to meet Keanu tomorrow. That’s another first impression to get done before I can start calling White Horse home.

  CAP

  Audrey says about five words during the entire dinner. Not that she could say more if she wanted. The mini-twins won’t shut up about how people are scared of Peepaw, and they think it’s because he’s tall. Cricket says people are reacting to his smell, so the kids sniff their grandfather off and on all evening.

  Halfway through dinner, both babies decide the world is coming to an end, and they must alert everyone by screaming at the top of their lungs. Chipper and Poet carry the wailing slobber-machines while their wives eat. Then the couples switch places. Through the festival of baby-crying, Audrey stares horrified by the noise.

  “Was it really so quiet at your house during family dinners?” I whisper when she looks ready to bolt for the door.

  “None of our burpings arose to the level of what’s happening here.”

  “Amateurs. Shit, Cricket once burped so loudly when we were at a hotel that the people in the next room called the police.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. They were stupid and thought her burp was a gun going off.”

  “That’s a pretty loud burp.”

  “Chipper burps louder on a regular basis, but no one’s ever called the cops.”

  “Misogyny at its worst,” Audrey says, smirking.

  Sharing her smile, I decide to join Mom in the kitchen while she preps the chocolate cake she made earlier.

  “This looks like something from a store,” I say, and my mother smiles sweetly.

  “Are you accusing me of something, my darling cherub?”

  “Never.”

  Smiling wider, she brings the ice cream while I carry the cake. Stuck with a five-year-old on his lap, Dad looks over Ridge’s head to see the dessert, but the boy distracts him with a story about how Bianca Bella won’t eats muffin bottoms.

  “It’s my job to eat them for her,” he says to his peepaw.

  “You’ve been duped, kid.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  Before Dad can answer, Cricket says, “It means Aunt Bianca Bella loves you the most.”

  Ridge looks suspicious of his mom’s comment, but he gets no help from his peepaw who only wants cake and ice cream.

  “Eat up,” Tatum says and directs Ridge back into his own chair. “We ought to get home soon so I can get your sister to sleep.”

  “Babies can’t eat cake,” Ridge tells me.

  “That’s why they cry so much.”

  Ridge laughs hysterically at this thought. Grinning, I enjoy my cake and feed Audrey a few bites despite her saying no.

  “You need to keep your energy up for tonight,” I whisper and give her a wink.

  Audrey glances around nervously as if worried someone will know we’re sexually active. I only smile at her expression. She’ll learn quickly enough how my family doesn’t believe in filters—about anything.

  Tatum and Chipper leave before I finish my cake. Cricket and Poet are out the door swiftly after even though the mini-twins are suddenly very attached to their peepaw. They go as far as asking to sleep over, but I tell them Audrey doesn’t like them and needs the house to herself.

  “Great,” she mutters, watching the now leery preteens eyeing her as they walk out of the house. “Now they hate me.”


  “They’re hormonal and would hate you sooner or later anyway. This way, you hated them first. Look at you being the winner.”

  “Your family is complicated and insane.”

  “Say that louder next time,” Mom grumbles while dropping into her recliner. “I cooked all day, and your father exhausted himself sitting on his ass at work. We need rest. You two can handle the dishes.”

  “It’ll be our pleasure,” I say, gesturing for Audrey to join me. “We’re here to help.”

  “We do live rent-free,” Audrey points out, and I catch Dad smirk from his recliner next to Mom’s.

  “I’ll wash. You put them in the dishwasher to wash them again.”

  Nodding, Audrey glances back at my parents, both with their feet up while watching TV. “What happens now? I mean after the dishes.”

  “We can hang out and watch a movie with my parents or,” I say, stressing the last word, “we can go to my room and watch a movie.”

  “Don’t you want me to get to know them better?”

  “You live here, Audrey. By next week, you’ll know more about my parents than you know about your own.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “My parents don’t close the doors when they shit or fuck or have loud conversations about other people in the house. They figure if we don’t want to hear it then it’s on us to shut our doors.”

  “I’ll be careful about where I look then.”

  “They fuck and shit on their side of the house, so you should be able to dodge those two acts. No avoiding the loud talking thing, though.”

  Audrey nods again and keeps nodding for a bit too long. I suspect the stress of moving day has officially fried her brain. I finish up the dishes and pack up the few leftovers for the fridge.

  “We’ll be in my room,” I tell Mom and Dad.

  “We’ll be here,” Dad says without looking at us. “If you get scared or your dick gets stuck, call 911 because we can’t help you.”

  Chuckling at his bullshit, I take Audrey’s hand and walk down the hallway to my room where I shut and lock the door.

  “We’re finally alone again,” I announce dramatically. “Clothes are optional.”

  “Want to calm my nerves by fucking me?” Audrey asks and bends over. “I have a hole you can fill.”

  Gently slapping her sweet ass, I topple onto the bed. “Do you really want to limp on your first day at your new job tomorrow?”

  Audrey crawls onto the bed and cuddles next to me. “I feel like the odd man out in your house.”

  “You seemed to feel that way in your house too.”

  “Shut up,” she growls, pinching my arm. Sighing, she rubs where she pinched. “No, you’re right. Why am I always on the outside? I love my family so much especially my parents. They’re the best, but I feel like I have to prove myself to them and then I’m sure I’ve failed. I’m a freak.”

  “That’s why I love you. Normal people exhaust me.”

  Snuggling closer, Audrey grins. “I’m on the fence about whether Cricket sucks. Tatum is too nice. Chipper refuses to make eye contact with me. Poet looks miserable, and I think he’s unhappy in his marriage. The older twins are odd. The younger twins aren’t really twins, and I have no thoughts about them. And the baby twins, who also aren’t twins, blew out my eardrums. Oh, and your mother doesn’t like me, and your father never liked me.”

  “Let’s see. Cricket does suck, but she’s also loyal and fun. Tatum is too quiet, but she gets wild when drunk. Chipper doesn’t make eye contact because he likes making people uncomfortable. Come to think of it, maybe he’s Rando too. So then you mentioned Poet. No to him being miserable. Yes to him being obsessively in love with Cricket. He just rarely gets a full night’ sleep because of Magnus, so he looks miserable. Plus, he plays the straight man to Cricket’s insanity, making him seem aggravated. What else did you say? Okay, the older twins are odd, but they’re teenagers, and we all were a little off at that age. The younger twins, who aren’t twins, are normal kids but will likely be odd when they get older. The cousin twins, who aren’t twins, cry because they’re babies and they can’t vocalize their wants besides screaming. My mother likes you as much as she can like a stranger who’s stolen her baby boy’s heart. My father doesn’t care one way or another about you until you’ve been around long enough for him to care. I was friends with Keanu for five years before Dad used his name correctly. Until then, he called him Keith.”

  Laughing, Audrey sits up and takes my hand into her lap. “Is that true?”

  “Yes, but you know what? That makes this the perfect family for you. No offense, Pip, but you’re temperamental, moody, insecure, bossy, weepy, and you have horrible fucking taste in music. Before you get your panties in a twist, hear me out. See, in a lot of families, you’d be the worst, and they’d barely tolerate you. In this family, you fit in by being an individual. Tatum is Tatum. She’s quiet, prone to tears, incredibly sweet and hardworking but also devious in certain circumstances. The best quality is her ability to love openly. She accepts her family for who they are. I think you can be that way too because you love Rando despite her weird ways and you love Colton despite his asshole ways, and you love Lily despite her boring ways. You love your growling father and your crying mother. If you’re open to the people in my family, you’ll learn to love them too. I know they’ll love you, and they won’t expect you to stop being a temperamental, moody, bossy bitch who punches boys she has a crush on.”

  “Jerk,” she mutters, grinning from ear to ear. “Why didn’t you come to the room after I threw a fit and left?”

  “Because my family would get the false impression that you're weak. I knew the same stubborn temper that made you storm out would make you storm back in. I know you, and I love what I know.”

  “I’m a little nervous about tomorrow but mostly excited to get started on my new life.”

  Running my fingers along her calf, I gaze up at her smiling face. “Every day, I want to take you somewhere new in White Horse. A shop or restaurant. We can go to the library or the park. I want you to know where things are, so you’re not reliant on me. That’ll be the second hardest part about living here. You’ve lived and breathed Ellsberg, and knowing it so well gave you power. I want you to feel that power here.”

  “If that’s the second hardest, what’s the first?”

  “Being away from your family.”

  Audrey nods, and I suspect tears threaten her big brown eyes. “I texted Mom after I got mad at Cricket. Just said I loved her and hoped she had a good day at work. She sent me back a quick message about how proud she was of me. That’s how I got my ass back into the living room. I didn’t want to let Mom down by being a pussy hiding away.”

  Caressing her cheek, I wish my dick didn’t twitch when she said “pussy.” I want to be the kind of man who rules his genitals, not the other way around. Poonhounds like Colton Johansson are lucky their dicks don’t rot off. Though I’m not that bad, I still can’t control the damn thing from getting hard at the slightest provocation from Audrey. The girl just makes me crazy.

  “You want to play around?” she asks as if reading my mind.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Audrey giggles at my excited expression and then she yanks her shirt over her head. I let out a strangled noise, suddenly in pain from my dick expanding in too tight jeans. The next few seconds are spent with Audrey and me freeing ourselves from our pesky fucking clothes. The following few hours, though, is all about my naked body distracting Audrey from her homesickness and worries about a new job.

  14 - AUDREY

  I’m not sure what to think of my new manager, Lottie. With her pale purple hair and piercings, the Asian beauty is one of those effortlessly cool people able to recite quotes from long-dead important people. She is also perpetually calm when explaining my duties to me. Nothing fazes her, and I’m confident she’ll get sick of my moody bullshit quickly.

  Instead, she has a calming effect on me. Rather than thinking
of the many differences between Ellsberg and White Horse, I focus on the restaurant’s serene vibe, the customers’ good manners, and the organized pantry. I’m extremely chill by the time Cap and Keanu arrive to take us to lunch.

  Before driving me to work this morning, Cap made me promise I would tell him the truth about the job.

  “If you hate it, don’t play the martyr. There are plenty of places in White Horse where you can work. Don’t stay at the Kitchenette if it’s not a good fit.”

  “I won’t lie to protect anyone’s feelings.”

  “You say that now, sure. Except you get all fucked in the heart when you worry about the opinion of others. Be honest with me if you hate it there.”

  “What about Keanu and his girlfriend’s feelings?”

  “They’ll survive, Audrey.”

  Grinning, I fixed the collar on his black shirt. He looked so handsome after his shower that I wished we could hide in bed all day. The whole “grownup” thing meant we had places to go and work to do.

  When Cap arrives with Keanu, his first question is predictable.

  “Did the job blow chunks of fucking shit?”

  “Not at all. I like it here.”

  “Even with all the hipster twats?” he asks, glancing around at the customers who heard his comment.

  “They’re entertaining.”

  “Clowns always are,” Cap says and kisses my forehead and then my right cheek followed by my left one. Finally, he kisses me as if he wants to fuck right there in front of everyone.

  “I thought you wouldn’t make a big show of being my boyfriend.”

  “I’m your lover or man. Possibly your master. Anything along those lines will work, but boyfriend feels like something little kids have.”

  “Well, then what happened to you not making a big show of being my lover or man. Oh, and you’ve got to be kidding about the master thing?”

  “I lied,” he says, running his hand through his hair. “Well, not lied. I meant it at the time, but now, I just want to fuck you right here.”