Brick Shithouse

by Bijou Hunter

  The only one allowed to slack off is Ridge. Like right now when he gets distracted by birds on the roof and forgets all about finding orange leaves.

  “Are you getting married?” Mesa asks, exaggerating the last word.

  “Yep.”

  “To Audrey?”

  “Who else?”

  “I want you to marry Keanu.”

  Glancing at where she piles her red leaves, I’d bet anything that she gets these ideas from her father. Chipper has long suggested I marry my best friend since no woman could ever put up with my shit. Usually, Mom and Cricket will pipe in and state any woman would be lucky to marry an honest-to-goodness angel. Their ribbing is fun shit, but no doubt goes over the head of a six-year-old like Mesa.

  Audrey steps outside and shuts the heavy glass door behind her. I smile at her approach, knowing she’s irritated I ditched her.

  “The children didn’t need to hear the fuck-a-thons,” I say before she can complain.

  “As if they don’t hear it every day.”

  “Fine, they didn’t need to listen to your father poop his grown-man panties.”

  Audrey mock slaps my arm. “I’m hiding out here with you for a little while.”

  “Cowardly behavior is something I approve of. Now help me find more yellow leaves before Mesa yells at me again.”

  “She yelled at you?”

  “Yeah, but in her defense, I was playing on my phone.”

  “I used to be confident like her,” Audrey says, zipping up her jacket before studying the ground for more yellow leaves. “Then someone pointed out how I was only important because of my last name. I hope no one ever throws that shade on Mesa.”

  “Wouldn’t matter if they did. She’d tell us, and we’d talk shit about that person.”

  “I don’t know if that would have helped me because the bitch had a point.”

  “Then I’d say it was a great thing for you to move to White Horse where no one gives a flying fuck about the name Johansson. You’re just a hot girl here.”

  Audrey smirks. “Who happens to live with the most powerful family in town.”

  “True, but people here are less in tune with our family’s power. I suspect that has something to do with the town's proximity to Nashville. Also, we don’t ride around in groups on loud Harleys while wearing matching outfits like some attention-desperate people.”

  Grinning, Audrey shakes her head. “I saw a few of those Serrated Brotherhood fuckers while I was at lunch a few days ago. I couldn’t believe how out of place they seemed riding down Main Street.”

  “Yeah, but head one town over to Hickory Creek Township, and the locals bow to their Harley-riding, vest-wearing overlords. It’s a different mentality. Somewhere between Ellsberg and White Horse. Uppity rich people and rowdy bikers. If you ever want to slum it but don’t feel like driving to Kentucky, that’s where we should head.”

  “If I weren’t so in love with you, I’d be furious about your assessment of my hometown.”

  “That was my plan all along,” I say, hugging her against me.

  “Uncle Cap,” Ridge says and hands me a rock. “I found this over there.”

  “Okay, thanks, man.”

  Once the kid turns away, I toss the rock into the shrubs and smile at Audrey. “He’s always giving me shit to clean up. I seriously don’t think these kids have any idea who they’re treating like the help. I’m Cap Hayes, dammit. Give me some fucking respect.”

  Audrey studies Ridge who arranges his five orange leaves. “Mom and Pop are drinking moonshine. I planned to wait outside until they were drunk enough to chill. Unfortunately, it’s so cold.”

  “It’s only like forty out.”

  “I’m not a fan of the cold.”

  “I love snow,” Mesa announces from nearby. “Mommy loves snow too.”

  Leaning down, I whisper in Audrey’s ear. “She’s really into her mom.”

  “I know the feeling.”

  “Think your parents will want to help us paint the rental house?”

  “No.”

  “What if we offer pizza and booze?”

  “Colton would drive down for free booze, which is weird since he has the money to pay for it at home.”

  “Booze is always better when it’s free.”

  “Lily would help if I asked nicely. She’s a wuss that way, but she would take two hours to paint one area of a wall. She’s very particular about things.”

  “And Rando?”

  “She’d do it for sweets but not pizza or booze.”

  “Sweets it is.”

  “Why is it so important for Rando to help?” she asks, eyeing me suspiciously.

  “She did a great job on that sketch of you. I figure she has solid brush control so she can do the trim.”

  “Smart,” she says, smiling brightly now. “Maybe when we have our baby, Rando will sketch it.”

  “Think she’d do one of those creepy murals that weirdoes have in their nurseries?”

  “I don’t want one of those.”

  “It would freak out Cricket. I don’t know why, but she can’t handle that shit. Keanu used to have a dino mural in his room as a kid, and she’d never take her eyes off it as if she thought the damn thing might come alive and attack.”

  “So you want to torment our child as a way to torment your adult sister?”

  “Yes, and I resent your tone. Tormenting Cricket is one of my hobbies. I’d like you to respect my creative outlet.”

  Rolling her eyes, Audrey walks over to where an orange leaf peeks out from under a pile of brown ones. “I’ll let that mural thing drop for now.”

  “I’m considering that as a win.”

  “Sure, but how long do you think it’ll take for my parents to get wasted enough to chill?”

  “How would I know?”

  Ridge walks over and hands me two pebbles he located. Thanking him, I toss them into the shrub once he walks away. Audrey returns to me with two orange leaves.

  “It’s too cold to stand out here.”

  “I could make out with you in the bushes if you think that’d help.”

  Glancing at Mesa and Ridge, she whispers, “What about the children?”

  “I think it’d be wildly inappropriate to ask them to join us.”

  Audrey slugs me in the arm, and I feign terrible pain just to feed her little ego. She grins at my effort.

  “I’m going inside.”

  “Do I have to go with you?”

  “No, I’m sure the children aren't finished playing.”

  “I am,” Mesa announces and runs for the back door.

  Ridge chases after his sister, nearly losing his knit hat in his rush. As they work together to yank open the door, I’m hit by the sound of old-man music coming from the house.

  “Skynyrd,” Audrey says breathlessly as if in the midst of a religious moment.

  Before I can ask what the fuck, I realize someone is playing guitar, and the singing isn’t from a recording. What fresh madness is this shit? Oh, and why do I hear Cricket when she’s in West Virginia?

  Mesa and Ridge call out to their father as they disappear inside. Audrey follows them, and I finally arrive to discover the healing power of moonshine and a shared love for shitty music.

  Chipper sits on a chair, playing “Free Bird” on his guitar. On a laptop screen, Cricket plays her guitar in West Virginia. Mom and Dad sing along while swaying their red cups of moonshine to the beat. Audrey, though, stares in awe at her parents.

  Cooper sits in a chair with Farah cuddled in his lap. Clearly smashed from the moonshine, they sing loudly. Based on Cooper’s frisky hands, I might need to get out the hose soon and bring the party down to a PG-rating.

  While Audrey sways to the music and stares gleefully at her parents, I retreat to the kitchen. Tatum glances at me and gives me that exasperated look people get when they’re the only sober person in a room.

  “How the hell did this happen?” I whisper.

  “Moonshine plus C
hip’s arrival. He got Cricket online to join him. Only your sister could get this blitzed without drinking anything.”

  “Keeping the milk nonalcoholic doesn’t mean she can’t fake stupid to fit in.”

  Tatum grins. “Speaking of baby feeding, can you take this bottle to your dad?”

  Leaving Tatum to finish dinner, I step over Mesa and Ridge who lie on the ground and watch their father play the guitar. I hand Dad a bottle, but Sierra reaches up and grabs it before he can. The kid struggles to pop the nipple into her mouth, so he aims it for her. Bam, Sierra’s a happy kid oblivious to the drunken hippies around her.

  I think the party might be ending when the song does, but Farah yells out, “Do ‘Simple Man,’” as if she’s at a concert. Nodding, Cooper nuzzles her a little more on his lap. Yeah, I’m going to douse those two in cold water soon.

  Standing with Audrey, I can’t pretend the music doesn’t suck. The company is perfection, though, and I really ought to send Peepaw Earlham a thank-you basket for his primo moonshine.

  AUDREY

  Moonshine makes Mom and Pop super friendly. They are all smiles by the time Hayes reveals leftover ribs and potato salad. Like stoners, they pig out until exhausted.

  Mom and Dad end up crashing in my room while Hayes and Candy shuffle to theirs. Possibly, the drunks are fucking rather than sleeping, but no way am I checking to be sure.

  “Now what?” I ask after the parents leave.

  “Obviously, we play charades,” Cap says, and Chipper nods as if this step was never in doubt.

  I team up with Cap. Mesa demands she and Ridge stay together, leaving Chipper and Tatum to join forces.

  Cap is absolutely horrible at miming, and I can’t figure out most of what he’s trying to tell me. Despite that fact, we crush Mesa and Ridge who don’t seem to know what the hell the game entails and continually yell out stuff to each other.

  “Too bad you didn’t have to mime nose-picking,” Cap teases Mesa.

  “You eat poop!” she yells, clearly temperamental after losing. Pointing at me, she adds, “Her poop!”

  Gasping, I lean closer to Mesa. “Hey, that was a secret between you and me.”

  Even irritated, Mesa can’t fight a smile. She climbs on Chipper’s lap and claims we all cheated and Ridge is the only winner. Her brother burps and waves away the smell.

  “Ribs,” he says.

  Chipper winks at his son. “Yep, that’ll happen.”

  Cap wraps an arm around me. “Can’t wait for our kid to burp and identify the smell for us.”

  “I know this is you being sarcastic, but you’re the guy who argues with a six-year-old over who most enjoys eating boogers. Let’s not pretend identifying stinks is below you.”

  Laughing, Cap kisses the top of my head. “You know I’ll be the one who teaches them that crap too. I’m the absolute worst.”

  Mesa nods, eyeballing her uncle. He glares hard at the kid, but she doesn’t flinch. Like I am with Pop, she understands Cap loves his family too damn much to do anything besides huff and puff.

  Chipper and Tatum leave at seven after the brothers arm-wrestle for twenty minutes. Cap wins twice, Chipper once, and the last one is a tie because neither can get the upper hand. I wipe the sweat from Cap’s forehead, rooting him on during the grand battle. Tatum tries to trash talk me, saying my man is going down. Like Lily, she can’t sell a genuinely bitchy threat.

  “Meanie,” I taunt back, causing Mesa and Ridge to applaud their mother.

  All of our efforts end in a stalemate with the brothers making threats about how next time will be different. They continue to talk trash while Chipper gets the kids bundled up to leave.

  “I will fucking crush you,” Cap warns. “Bust your ass in half.”

  Chipper glares at his younger brother. “I will fuck you up worse than anyone’s been fucked up before. Bust your ass so bad, your crack will disappear, and you'll need to cut open a new shit hole.”

  “I think he won,” I tell Cap after Chipper drives away yelling obscenities while his kids cheer him on.

  “Let him have this round. He’s old, and his children shouldn’t see what a washed-up bitch he’s become.”

  Giggling at his dramatic sigh, I tug Cap into the house so we can escape the cold.

  “Should we go to bed?”

  “It’s seven, Audrey, and I’m not drunk enough to pass out like our parents did.”

  Glancing at the clean kitchen and dining room, I don’t know what to do to keep us entertained. “We can’t have sex. You moan too loudly, and my parents are in the next room.”

  “I moan too loudly, huh?” he says, making a move to tickle me.

  Ignoring his fingers, I sit on the black leather couch and grab the remote. “I’d say the first night of my parents’ visit went exceptionally well.”

  “Fuck yeah. Just keep those two drunk and mellow with their elderly rock songs, and we’ll have no issues.”

  “Good thing we weren’t fucking tonight anyway or else you’d have lost sex after that comment.”

  Cap settles next to me on the couch, stretches his legs to rest on the rustic coffee table, and smiles calmly.

  “If I wanted it, you’d give in to me. I have my ways.”

  “Don’t be so certain.”

  “I’ve discovered four spots so far on your body that instantly turn you into a horny diva.”

  “Four?” I ask, assuming nipples and clit count for three.

  “If I kiss a spot just under your right ear,” he says, caressing the aforementioned spot, “you turn gooey and very compliant.”

  “Bullshit,” I growl, handing him the remote.

  “I’d demonstrate, but we can’t fuck with your parents in the house.”

  Frowning at him, I know he’s screwing with me. Cap is the king of reverse psychology. Once he says we can’t fuck, I’m wondering where we can sneak off to get a quickie. Ugh, I hate how predictable I am with him. Well, not hate, but it’s irritating nonetheless.

  “I’ll take your word for it,” I say, nuzzling my cheek against his chest while he flips through the channels.

  “Think your parents will like the Kitchenette?”

  “Mom will or at least say she does. Pop will complain it’s too small and filled with hipster fucks.”

  “Are you going to be okay if they don’t like it?”

  “Of course. I like it, and I’m the one who works there. Plus, I know them. They might think it’s weird while in White Horse, but on the drive to Ellsberg, they’ll probably mention how it’s in a safe neighborhood and the hipster fucks likely tip well.”

  “We should butter them up with fucking bacon at the Bacon Bin before we stop at the Kitchenette. I imagine your father will growl less if he’s eaten a few bacon cupcakes.”

  “Devious thinking,” I say, caressing his chest. “I knew there was a reason I liked you. Well, besides the sex and my four horny spots.”

  “Four so far. I’m certain I’ll discover more.”

  “Once my parents aren’t sleeping over, you feel free to explore to your giant heart’s content.”

  Cap hands me the remote and leans his head back. “You choose what we watch. I just want to stare at you for a while.”

  I switch off the TV and turn toward him. “Well, then I want to watch you.”

  We stare at each other as the minutes tick by. I hear DB walking through the hallway and take a spot in between the recliners. I assume the dog thinks his owners will rise from their drunken stupor soon, but he’d be wrong.

  Cap’s dark eyes draw me in, revealing his amusement in our current standoff. I also see unbridled lust, and a smile lingers across his kissable lips. I run my tongue over my teeth and think about how good he probably tastes.

  “Want to fuck in the truck?” I whisper.

  “No, that wouldn’t be romantic,” Cap says in an earnest voice. “I’m not the kind of man who sneaks off to have quickies in the cold garage.”

  “You can turn on the truck an
d run the heater.”

  “Well, okay, then,” he says, standing in a smooth motion and pulling me to my feet.

  Giggling, I hurry hand in hand with Cap down the hallway to the garage. In the truck, we’ll enjoy enough privacy for him to holler his lungs raw. Hell, I might even get a little loud myself.

  CAP

  Cooper’s growling and glaring lessen considerably after Audrey shows the tattoo on my wrist. He does give me a dirty look as if I stole his idea in the same way I stole his daughter. Likely remembering when Cooper had her name tatted on his wrist, Farah gets teary-eyed and hugs her man. Audrey peeks at me and winks. Her confidence around them today is double what I saw weeks ago. She finally views her worth in the way the rest of us have all along.

  Before returning to Ellsberg, Audrey’s parents visit the contemporary house. Farah clearly thinks it’s a clusterfuck, but she smiles a lot for her daughter’s sake. Cooper again explains why the house is a dump. Audrey claims she has the entire redesign planned in her head.

  “It’ll be perfect,” she announces and hugs Farah.

  Three days later, Audrey and I return to the house to begin writing up our plans for the remodel.

  “I don’t even know where to begin,” Audrey admits as we stand in the mismatched kitchen.

  “It’s easy. First, we need a theme. The house is contemporary, so that narrows it down. Next, we think colors. Once we think colors, we have to decide what flooring stays and what goes.”

  “The Spanish stuff doesn’t fit,” Audrey says and runs her fingers over the tile backsplash.

  “Nope, but I think we can save a lot of the tile for reuse in another house. The real question is do we keep the black and white tiles in the living room. If we keep it, do we expand on it or go with different flooring for the rest of the house?”

  Audrey looks over the room for what feels like five minutes but is likely much less. “We need carpet for the baby. Babies fall down, and this floor will be brutal on his body.”