Tainted Lives

by Mandasue Heller

  10

  Sarah and Harry became firm friends, and no one had a clue – least of all Vinnie. Had he realized, he would have intensified his attacks, not lessened them as he had done, too preoccupied with finding ways of getting closer to Sarah to bother. He still had a go when he got the urge, but if he’d known that Harry had taken what he believed to be his – Vinnie’s – rightful place in Sarah’s heart, he’d have killed him.

  Relishing the fact that they were getting one over on the others, Sarah and Harry protected their secret vigilantly – each knowing the value of keeping close to the heart what was held most dear. What nobody knew about, nobody could take away.

  Ignoring each other throughout the day, they would meet up in her room after lights out – strictly against the rules, but Harry was so insignificant that no one ever noticed him sneaking about in the dark. They talked about everything under the sun, and soon knew as much about each other’s hopes and dreams as they did about their own.

  It was a new experience for Sarah who had never had a real friend – not one she could really trust. And despite the difference in their ages, she trusted Harry absolutely. But, while she told him a lot, there were things that she kept back. The stuff her mother’s friends had done, for example. Those foul, stinking bastards who had never left without taking a slice of her soul away with them. She could never tell anyone about that, let alone her dearest friend. She didn’t want to see the disgust in his eyes – nor he the shame in hers.

  Harry was intuitive, gleaning almost as much from what she didn’t say as from what she did. But he didn’t badger her. How could he, when he was just as guilty of holding out on her? He hadn’t told her that Vinnie and the others still picked on him. And he never admitted how he really felt about her – and probably never would. It was enough just to be part of her life.

  Which was why he was dreading Sarah’s sixteenth birthday. He was terrified that when she got a flat, a job, and a fantastic life of her own, she would forget all about the ugly boy she’d left behind.

  As the big day drew near and her silences grew to outweigh her talking moments, he convinced himself that she was detaching herself from him – preparing him for the big break.

  With just a week to go, Harry finally plucked up the courage to ask if that was what Sarah was doing.

  ‘Don’t be such a pillock!’ she snorted. ‘How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not going to abandon you. I’ll always make time for you. You’re my best mate!’

  Harry was relieved for himself, but even more concerned about her. Something was worrying her. He knew her too well. But if it wasn’t that, what was it?

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ he said after a while, plucking at a feather that was working its way out of her quilt. ‘Remember how you said you went looking for your mum that time?’

  The muscles clenched in Sarah’s cheeks. ‘Yeah. What of it?’

  ‘I was just thinking,’ he went on, not daring to look at her and see the anger in her eyes that he could hear in her voice. ‘Why don’t you have another go when you get out? I would if it was me.’

  ‘What’s the point?’

  Looking up, Harry gave a tiny shrug. ‘I just think it’s worth a try. You can’t tell me you don’t think about her.’

  ‘Course I think about her, but it doesn’t mean I want to see her. She didn’t want me, so why should I?’

  ‘You don’t know that for sure. She’s your mum. She won’t still be blaming you for that stuff with the kitten.’

  ‘You don’t know her,’ Sarah told him huffily. ‘When she gets a grudge she never lets it go.’

  ‘You don’t know her that well yourself,’ Harry pointed out. ‘She might have changed.’

  ‘Huh! I doubt that! She never liked me. It was always our Karen, right from the off.’

  ‘That’s another reason to do it. I know you think about your sister. You wouldn’t keep her picture if you didn’t.’

  ‘For your information, smart arse,’ she hissed, angry now because he’d hit a raw nerve, ‘I kept that because it’s the only photo I’ve got of me!’

  ‘Bullshit! You don’t fool me, Sarah Mullen!’

  Jumping up, Sarah stomped across the room and got her cigarettes from her jacket pocket. Lighting up at the window, she blew a thick stream of smoke into the chilly night air.

  ‘All right,’ she said after a moment. ‘Supposing I do want to see them – so what?’

  ‘Do something about it.’ Taking the cigarette from her fingers, Harry took a drag. ‘There’ll be no one to stop you. You’re free to do whatever you want once you leave here.’

  ‘And what if she don’t want to see me?’

  ‘She will.’ Harry was certain. ‘Why wouldn’t she? You’re . . . well, you’re lovely.’ Blushing, he handed the cigarette back.

  Sarah finished it in silence and Harry watched her, wondering if he’d done the right thing in bringing the subject up. He knew about the bad dreams. They had stopped a while back, but he hoped his meddling wouldn’t stir them up again. Sarah might blame him, and he couldn’t bear it if she fell out with him.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I had no right to say that stuff. It’s none of my business. It’s just that you’ve been so quiet, I thought you might have been thinking about them, that’s all.’

  Sarah flicked the dimp out of the window and gave him a tiny grin. ‘Think you know me so well, don’t you? Well, I do think about them, but only now and then. I’m not really bothered – and that’s God’s honest truth!’

  ‘Well, if that’s not bothering you, what is?’

  ‘Nothing. I’m fine.’

  ‘No, you’re not. It is me, isn’t it? You just don’t want to say in case you upset me.’

  Sighing, Sarah sat back and hugged her pillow to her stomach. This was really difficult, but if she told Harry what was really bothering her, he would be twice as upset as he already was.

  For weeks now she had lain awake at night, dreading her birthday, because once it came she would have to leave and there would be no one to protect Harry from Vinnie – or Mark Chambers.

  Since that night, Chambers’s attempts at avoiding her, and his deep blushes whenever their paths crossed, only strengthened her conviction that he was guilty. She believed that he was only keeping his head down until she left, leaving him free to start on someone else. And, being a natural victim, Harry was the obvious candidate.

  She had to tell him. It wasn’t fair not to.

  ‘Look, there is something, Harry, but, if I tell you, you can’t freak out, and you’ve got to promise you won’t say anything.’

  Harry nodded quickly. ‘Yeah, course.’

  Pulling the pillow closer to her mouth, muffling her words, Sarah told him what had happened.

  ‘You’re kidding?’ he exclaimed when she finished, his eyes wide with disbelief. ‘Mr Chambers? But he’s really nice.’

  ‘He did it!’ she hissed, her mouth drawn into a taut line. ‘Don’t let the nice words and smiles fool you. He was all smiles that night, when he was telling me to be quiet ’cos Dandi would hear me!’

  Harry shook his head. He believed it because Sarah wouldn’t lie – not to him, not about something like this. But he didn’t want to believe it. He genuinely liked Mark Chambers. Trusted him. But Sarah wouldn’t lie. She just wouldn’t.

  ‘He had the cheek to say that he wasn’t going to report me, when I saw him the next day,’ she went on venomously. ‘I told him to get lost, and I reckon that’s the only reason he’s kept his hands to himself since. He was scared I was going to grass him.’

  ‘Why didn’t you?’

  ‘’Cos I knew I’d get the blame. But that’s not the point. I’m only telling you so you can keep away from him. And you’d better tell me if he so much as looks at you the wrong way after I’ve gone!’

  ‘Don’t, Sarah.’ Harry’s chin wobbled. ‘I can’t stand it when you’re angry.’

  ‘Oh, come here!’ Pulling him to her,
she hugged him tightly. ‘I’m not angry with you, I’m just worried about you. Vinnie and them are different. A few punches won’t kill you. But . . . that!’

  With his face concealed in her shoulder, Harry squeezed his eyes tight shut, desperately trying to hold back the tears but failing miserably.

  ‘Oh, Harry, don’t cry,’ Sarah said, feeling the wetness seeping through her nightdress. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything.’

  ‘It’s not that.’ He sniffed loudly. ‘I’m just . . . I’m just mad ’cos he hurt you.’

  ‘He didn’t,’ she assured him. ‘Honest to God. I was too drunk. I didn’t feel a thing.’

  ‘Yeah, but he still shouldn’t have done it.’ He wiped his nose on his sleeve. ‘You’ve got to tell Dandi.’

  ‘Why?’ Pushing him back, Sarah peered at his wretched face. ‘What good will it do? She won’t believe me.’

  ‘I did,’ he reminded her. ‘And I think she will too. She knows you wouldn’t lie about something like this. Anyway, you’ve got to, in case he does it to someone else.’

  Sarah closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Harry was right, but how was she supposed to broach a subject as terrible as this with Dandi?

  ‘Do it before you go,’ he went on firmly. ‘Promise.’

  Exhaling, she looked at him and nodded. ‘Okay, but not yet.’

  ‘You’ve only got a week.’

  ‘Shit, Harry!’ She dropped her face into her hands.

  ‘When?’

  ‘Tomorrow. That good enough?’

  ‘Just make sure you do, or I’ll have to do it for you.’

  Sarah didn’t sleep a wink after Harry left. She tried, but it was impossible. Tossing and turning her way to daybreak, she reconciled herself to getting it over with.

  Making her way downstairs before breakfast, she burst into the office without knocking, startling Dandi who was working her way through the morning mail.

  ‘I need to talk to you. Now!’

  Smiling, Dandi motioned her into a chair. ‘Sure. Go ahead.’

  ‘I was abused last year, and I want you to do something about it.’

  Stunned, Dandi gaped at her, open-mouthed. Of all the things that she had imagined could be bothering Sarah, this hadn’t occurred to her at all.

  ‘Are you sure?’ she asked, immediately regretting it as the blood drained from Sarah’s face.

  Leaping to her feet, Sarah yelled, ‘I should have known you wouldn’t believe me!’ Furiously kicking her chair out of the way she headed for the door. ‘And you wondered why I wouldn’t tell you what was wrong when you kept asking, you stupid bitch!’

  ‘Sarah, wait . . . Please. This is important.’

  Turning back, Sarah folded her arms and stared angrily out of the window, refusing to meet Dandi’s gaze.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Dandi said softly. ‘Look, sit down and talk to me. I promise I’ll listen.’

  Taking a deep breath, Sarah righted the chair and sat down. Now that she’d taken the plunge, she had to stay calm – for Harry’s sake, if not her own.

  ‘What happened?’ Dandi pressed softly. ‘From the beginning.’

  Several silent seconds passed before Sarah spoke. Then, keeping her voice as level as possible, she said, ‘It was on my birthday last year. I had this run-in with Vinnie and had to get out of the house for a—’

  ‘Vinnie?’ Dandi interrupted, apologizing when Sarah glared at her.

  ‘I went to the old house in the park,’ Sarah continued, her voice thick with suppressed anger and shame. ‘I needed somewhere to hide where Vinnie wouldn’t find me, ’cos he thought I’d grassed him up about something and he was after me.’ Pausing, she seemed to drift away with her thoughts.

  ‘Go on,’ Dandi urged, the anger evident in her voice despite her efforts to conceal it. It must have been Vinnie. Just wait till she got her hands on him!

  ‘Yeah, well, I ended up falling asleep. It was late when I woke up and I knew I’d be locked out, so I got a bottle of cider to keep me warm.’

  ‘You didn’t have to do that. You should have come home. I would have let you in.’

  ‘You didn’t even know I was out.’ Sarah raised an accusing eyebrow. ‘You’d have had a right go at me the next day if you had, but you never said a word.’

  Dandi tried to recall what she’d been doing on the night of Sarah’s birthday the previous year. It came to her that she’d had to take Manny Dobbs to hospital and had come back with a migraine, leaving Mark to do the night duty.

  ‘You’re right,’ she admitted. ‘I didn’t know. But I’m sure Mr Chambers would have let you in if you’d knocked.’

  ‘Oh, he did,’ Sarah hissed, her eyes full of venomous accusation. ‘Don’t suppose he told you, though?’

  ‘I’m sure he must have.’ Dandi frowned. ‘I probably just forgot.’

  ‘Yeah, right! He never told you, and you know it. He said he wasn’t going to. Said I needn’t worry ’cos he wasn’t going to report me!’

  ‘Well, that is against the rules. He shouldn’t have let you in after lock-up without telling me, but I imagine he was only trying to save you getting into trouble.’

  ‘Saving himself, more like!’

  ‘Look, you’re obviously very angry, Sarah, but I don’t think blaming us will help. Just tell me what happened so we can work out what to do about it.’

  ‘I was.’

  Misunderstanding, Dandi said, ‘Yes, and I’m sorry for throwing you off track. Now, you were saying you got a bottle of cider . . . What then?’

  ‘I got drunk,’ Sarah said, gritting her teeth. ‘And I heard my mum talking, telling me that I’m – you know – bad, and that.’ She blushed, ashamed to admit that her mother had managed to belittle her without even being there. ‘Anyhow, I got really mad at Vinnie then, thinking how it was all his stupid fault that I was locked out in the first place. And that’s when I decided to break in.’

  ‘You broke in? Didn’t the alarm go off?’

  ‘No. He’d switched it off.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Him!’

  ‘What are you saying?’ Dandi asked quietly.

  Narrowing her eyes, Sarah said, ‘What do you think I’m saying?’

  ‘That Mr Chambers let you in.’

  ‘Let me in, took me to bed, and told me to keep quiet so you wouldn’t hear, then . . .’

  ‘Oh, Sarah,’ Dandi croaked. ‘Please be careful. If you’re saying what I think you’re saying, it’s a terribly serious accusation . . .’

  ‘Are you calling me a liar?’

  ‘No.’ Dandi studied her hands. ‘I’m just saying you should be careful. Mr Chambers is a well-liked, highly respected member of staff, who—’

  ‘Abused me,’ Sarah cut in, folding her arms and thrusting her chin forward.

  Dropping her face into her hands, Dandi rubbed at her throbbing temples. Looking up after a moment, she said, ‘Are you absolutely sure about this?’

  ‘No, I’m doing this for a laugh!’ Sarah replied sarcastically. ‘Of course I’m sure! He took me to my room, put me in bed, and got on top of me. I said his name and the bastard even had the nerve to say yeah!’

  ‘Well, I don’t know what to say. I really don’t.’

  ‘You don’t have to say anything. I just want to know what you’re going to do about it.’

  ‘I’ll follow procedure, of course. But it’s not going to be easy. I don’t suppose you’ve any proof?’

  ‘My word not good enough?’

  ‘I’m afraid not.’ Dandi sighed. ‘How about witnesses?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What about the clothes you were wearing? I take it you had something on?’

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ Sarah snapped. ‘But they were all over the place when I woke up. That’s how I remembered what had happened. I couldn’t figure it out at first, and I had to go over everything in my head real careful.’

  ‘So, you don’t actually remember it happening at the time?’ Dandi asked, seizing upon Sarah�
��s admission of confusion. ‘Don’t be offended,’ she went on carefully, ‘but do you think there’s a chance it might just have been a dream? You did say you were drunk, and alcohol does funny things to your mind. I mean, you thought you heard your mother talking even though you knew it wasn’t possible.’

  ‘So, you’d rather think I was too pissed to think straight than admit what a sleaze he is!’

  ‘Not at all.’ Dandi shook her head emphatically. ‘I’m just trying to cover every possibility. Can I ask why you didn’t say anything at the time?’

  ‘I knew you wouldn’t believe me.’

  ‘If that’s really the case, then why now?’

  ‘Because,’ said Sarah, leaning forward to stress her point, ‘I’ll be out of here in a week, and I want to make sure he can’t get to anyone else after I’ve gone.’

  ‘Oh, Sarah, he wouldn’t—’

  ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘I didn’t mean . . .’ Dandi let the rest of the sentence hang because she didn’t actually know what she had meant. She only knew that she instinctively didn’t believe Mark Chambers capable of doing what Sarah had accused him of. But why would the girl say such a thing if there was no truth to it?

  ‘What are you going to do?’ Sarah demanded.

  Dandi shook her head, releasing a loud breath. ‘I’ll speak to Mr Chambers, of course – get his side. After that . . .’ Pausing, she shrugged. ‘It’ll be for the Board to decide.’

  ‘And that’s it?’

  ‘What more do you want me to do?’

  ‘Make sure he gets what he deserves.’ Sarah stood up. ‘If he touches anyone else after I’ve gone, it’ll be your fault!’

  Nothing could have prepared Mark for what Dandi had to say when she summoned him to the office.

  ‘Oh my God!’ he gasped, horror stealing the vibrancy from his voice, leaving it little more than a whisper.

  Feeling more awkward than she’d ever felt in her life, Dandi said, ‘You know the procedure from here on in, Mark. It’s not going to be pleasant, but I trust I can count on your full cooperation?’