His Love

by Jennifer Gracen

  She couldn’t get the look on Gavin’s face out of her mind. It was eating at her. She’d finally figured out what she’d seen flash in his eyes for a brief moment: hurt. He’d hid it well, but she’d hurt him, and that wasn’t sitting well with her at all. If only she knew what to do to make it better.

  Her phone rang, and she was so distracted she didn’t look at the caller ID before answering. “Hello?”

  “Hi, remember me? Your mother, the woman who gave birth to you?” Maria’s Long Island accent seemed to get even stronger when she flung the guilt barbs.

  “Hi, Mom,” Toni sighed. “What’s up?”

  “Nothing much. I was wondering if we were going to see you again anytime soon. You haven’t even called since July fourth weekend.”

  “I’ve texted you. Dad, too.”

  “It’s not the same. Call me old school, but I like to hear your voice.”

  “Okay, Old School. Sorry.”

  “So, Miss Wiseass, will you come have dinner with your father and me this weekend?”

  Toni closed her eyes. She only had so much time left with Gavin, and wanted to be with him as much as possible until he left. “Sorry, Mom, but I can’t. I have plans.”

  “Oh. I see. Well, that’s fine.” Toni knew that tone and braced herself. Maria Victoria Parinello Westmore was a master guilt wielder. “I guess your father and I shouldn’t take it personally. You are a grown woman, after all, with a busy social life. Going out drinking with your friends and lying on the beach is far more important than seeing your family. I understand.”

  “Jesus, Ma! I just saw you guys! Knock it off,” Toni spat. “I’m having a crap day, I don’t have patience for your shtick today. Go guilt someone else. I’m sure Belle’s around, go bother her.”

  “You all right?” Maria’s voice changed, concern flooding her tone. “Crap day? Why? Wanna talk about it?”

  “No, not really,” Toni said on a sigh. “I’ll be fine. Just one of those days.”

  “Uh huh. Okay. Well… I hope it improves.”

  “Me, too.” She paused. “Mom? Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course.”

  “Um… wait, hold on a second.” Toni went to the ladies’ room and spoke quietly so she wouldn’t be overheard. “If I quit my job here, what would you think?”

  “I think you need to have a new job to go before you quit,” Maria said.

  “If I didn’t… if I just…” She didn’t know how to say it, because she wasn’t even sure what she was asking.

  “Antonella.” Her mother’s voice was firm. “That job, that gallery? Was never right for you. You can do so much more. Be so much more. You’re just a glorified assistant there. You’re too smart, too educated, for that. So I think if you want to leave, that’s a good thing. But you should get a new job first, that’s all I’m saying.”

  “I agree,” Toni said. “But what if I don’t know what I want to do?”

  “Then take some time to figure it out before you quit, I think. You need to be able to pay your rent, to eat…” Maria’s voice trailed off. “What brought this on, honey? Did something happen?”

  “Something happens almost every day,” Toni mumbled.

  “Honey… just think before you act. You don’t, usually.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

  “I’m not saying that to be mean!” Maria exclaimed. “It’s a fact. You know it.”

  Toni sighed. “Okay. I have to go.”

  “Wait! So can we see you this weekend?” Maria needled.

  “I told you, I have plans.”

  “What’s so important that you can’t carve out two hours for dinner with us?” her mother demanded. “I’d like to know.”

  “I’m kind of… seeing someone,” Toni heard herself say.

  “You are? Oh! Well, that explains it a little better,” Maria said. “But still, why can’t you come and just—”

  “He’s here on vacation,” Toni said with a flare of annoyance. “He’s from Ireland. From Dublin. And he’s going back in about ten days. So I want to spend time with him while he’s here. Okay, Nosy Pants?”

  “Oh.” Maria was silent, and Toni could imagine what she was thinking. “Well. How’d you meet him?”

  “He’s my friend Anna’s brother.” Toni decided to emit the detail that he was also her housemate for the time being. “His name is Gavin. He came to visit for a few weeks. She’s on Long Island, and their brother Sean lives in the city.”

  “Oh. That’s nice.”

  “Yeah. He and I… it just kind of… happened. That’s all. He’s really nice.”

  “Oh, good.”

  Her mother’s short, terse responses had her nerves jangling. “You’ll be happy to know he’s a doctor,” she spit out.

  “Oh! That’s wonderful. What specialty?”

  “General practitioner right now, but he’s going into pediatrics this fall.”

  “Nice.”

  Toni waited. When the line stayed quiet, she burst out, “What? What are you thinking? I can feel your brain churning from here.” She started to pace the tiny ladies’ room. “Just say it.”

  “Say what?”

  “You don’t like this. Any of it.”

  “It’s not my business. Isn’t that what you’d say?”

  Toni hissed out a sharp breath. “Yes, probably.”

  “So what should I say?”

  “I don’t know. Forget it.”

  “You really like him?” Maria asked. “And he likes you?”

  “Well, yeah, of course.”

  “So… what happens when he goes back to Ireland?”

  A lump formed in Toni’s throat. She tried to swallow it back. “Nothing happens. That’s it. He goes back to his life, I go back to mine. It’s just a casual thing, Mom.”

  “I see.”

  “What? What do you see?”

  “Why you’re such a snippy bitch today,” Maria said in a steely tone. “You don’t like your job, and the guy you like is leaving. You feel out of control over your life all of a sudden, and you don’t like it.”

  Toni stopped pacing, a chill skittering over her.

  “So you’re lashing out at me right now, and probably at anyone who crosses your path today. I wish them luck.”

  Toni’s breath felt stuck in her chest. Like she couldn’t get enough air. “You know what? You might be right, Mom. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

  “Thank you. I accept your apology,” Maria said. “And yeah, I know a few things. I know you, that’s for sure. Honey… look, I can’t help you with the guy problem. But if you do some homework, figure out what you want to do instead of work there, and you need any help to get you started… your father and I are here to help. We’re not going to let you starve or get thrown out on the street. If knowing that helps at all, know that, and take a deep breath. Okay?”

  Toni’s heart thumped, relief she hadn’t expected flooding her as she absorbed her mother’s words. “Thanks, Mom,” she whispered. “That’s very sweet of you. And yes, really good to know.”

  “Good. All right then.” Maria went back to sounding like her regular self. “Guess we’ll see you in a few weeks, when your guy has gone back to Ireland.”

  “Yes, you will. I promise.”

  “This Doctor Gavin. Is he good looking?”

  “Gorgeous, Mom. Seriously. He has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. And his Irish accent would kill you. Soooo swoony.”

  “Ha! I bet.” Maria added, “You using protection?”

  “Mom! Gawd. Yes, okay?”

  “Okay, good. Be careful. And call once in a while, don’t only text, all right?”

  “All right.” Toni paused. “Uh, Mom? Thank you. Really.”

  “I love you, you know,” Maria said. “You’re a stubborn hothead like me, that’s why we clash most of the time. But I love you, always.”

  “I love you too, Mom.”

  Toni ended the call and stared at her ref
lection in the mirror, mulling over all her mother had said.

  “You don’t like your job, and the guy you like is leaving. You feel out of control over your life all of a sudden, and you don’t like it.” Yeah, that pretty much nailed it. Her mother was a smart woman. It was so true.

  Toni sighed heavily. Ever since she met Gavin, her world had been spinning. What was supposed to be a quick, temporary affair had turned into something else. It was more than being attracted to him, or the delicious wickedness of having a summer fling with the safety net of a definite end date. There was so much more to Gavin than she’d expected. The more she’d gotten to know him… God, she adored him. Strong and quiet on the outside, tender and passionate on the inside, with a seriously impressive intellect and a nurturing quality she didn’t know she craved until he’d shown it.

  She came home from work last night, ranting and raving. Most guys involved in a casual fling would’ve been turned off by her tantrum, maybe even left. Not Gavin. He’d quieted her with a massage and empathetic words. Tamed her savage beast, in only minutes.

  Oh, she was falling for him. Hard. But she had no time to figure out what her growing feelings were, exactly. The days were ticking down, and he’d go back to Ireland, and it’d be like they never happened. Just a fling, a good time memory. He’d find someone else, a nice, quiet Irish girl to marry, and make a good life for himself…

  Her eyes pricked with tears. The thought of not seeing him again, and his finding someone else, made her heart actually ache.

  Chapter Twelve

  ‡

  Saturday was the kind of blazing hot summer day that made Gavin glad the ocean was mere yards away from the house. All five housemates were home for a change, so they spent the afternoon down on the sand and swimming in the ocean, playing in the waves like kids. Around four o’clock they went back to the house, took quick showers, then started to prep food. Joe manned the grill to barbecue hamburgers and sweet Italian sausage. Wren made a quick run to the store to get potato salad, macaroni salad, and cole slaw. Gavin and Toni chopped up vegetables and made a huge salad; Anna made a pitcher of margaritas and helped wherever was needed. Music played, they talked and laughed, and ate their early dinner out on the deck.

  “I’ve gotta say,” Gavin addressed the group. “This has been lovely. Not just today, but the whole holiday. I’ve had such a good few weeks here. Can’t thank you all enough for your hospitality, your generosity, and just the fun. I’ll miss you all when I go home.”

  “Awww, Gavvy!” Anna smiled. “It’s been so great havin’ you here! I’m goin’ to miss you, too.”

  “Only an email or Facebook post away, dude,” Joe said, reaching across the table for a fist bump, which Gavin returned with a grin.

  “We’ll miss you, too,” Toni said quietly. Her voice was steady and sweet, but her eyes were focused on her plate. Gavin glanced at her. Her posture was suddenly rigid.

  “Well, maybe we’ll just all have to take a trip to Ireland,” Wren suggested. “I’ve never been and I’m dying to go.”

  “Yaaassss!” Anna cried, bouncing in her seat. “Next time I go back, you should come with me! That’d be epic, all of us there together!” She waggled her brows at Joe. “And two of my sisters are single. And much prettier than I am.”

  “Aw, now, that’s not true!” Gavin insisted. “You’re all beauties. That’s the only kind we make in the McKinnon factory—beauties.”

  “Well, thank you, big brother.” Anna pretended to preen, fluffing her hair. This week the tips were turquoise. She looked over to Wren. “We really need to make this a thing, you all comin’ to Ireland. Jaysus, you’d love Dublin.” Her eyes went to Toni. “And you! The art museums! You’d die. Right, Gav?”

  “Absolutely,” he said, nodding. A smile flickered across Toni’s face, but she still seemed fascinated with her potato salad. Why wouldn’t she look him in the eye?

  As Anna, Wren, and Joe chattered on, Gavin tried to watch Toni without being obvious. She’d been her usual gregarious, lively self all day… then her mood had shifted radically over dinner. Something was up.

  When she went into the house to use the bathroom, he waited. He gave it five minutes, then he slipped inside, too. As he entered the kitchen from the deck, she walked into it from the living room.

  “Hi,” she said with a soft grin.

  “Hi.” He moved towards her with purpose, then pinned her against the counter, an arm on each side of her to cage her in. “Look at me.”

  Brows furrowed, she did as he commanded.

  “Okay, good. That’s better. Because you wouldn’t look at me before.” His gaze pierced her. “What was going on?”

  “What? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “You know right well what I’m talking about. I mentioned going back to Ireland, and all of a sudden you wouldn’t look at me.”

  *

  Toni’s stomach did a whirly flip and her breath caught. God, he’d noticed. Had he seen it all over her face, how despondent she’d suddenly become at the thought of him leaving? That she’d swallowed down feelings she didn’t know she had, along with a wave of miserable nausea, and done everything she could to stay cool and act casual? Apparently yes, he had.

  “Talk to me, Toni,” he implored quietly. “Please.”

  Her eyes locked with his as her heart stuttered in her chest. What should she say? ‘I know this was supposed to be a nothing, casual fling, and now the thought of you leaving makes me nauseous? And angry? And sad? And I don’t know how this happened or what to do about it?’

  “Toni.” His blue eyes drilled into her, both kind and insistent. “What is it?”

  “Nothing,” she said, slipping under his arm and out of the cage of his arms.

  He turned to stare at her. “Really.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Right. Which is why you just pulled that Houdini move to get away from me.”

  “I don’t like feeling trapped,” she said in a harsher tone than she’d intended.

  He nodded slowly. “I’ll remember that.”

  “Look, I’m fine, okay? We’re fine. Everything’s fine, Gavin.” Her voice broke on his name and she rushed past him, out the front door.

  She’d made it about ten feet up the sidewalk when he got to her side, grasping her arm and turning her to face him.

  “Like hell, everything’s fine.” he ground out, looking down at her with a set jaw, eyes flashing, and brows creased with concern. He let go of her arm immediately, but continued, “I spoke of leaving and you got quiet. Is that a coincidence?”

  She bit down on her lip, crossed her arms over her chest, and stared back at him.

  “No response?” he said. “Nothing to say?”

  The standoff lasted about ten seconds before he raked his hands through his hair and whirled away from her, swearing under his breath.

  She didn’t move, didn’t speak. Watching him fight with frustration, she could barely breathe. He had to go back to Ireland, back to his life. He’d already had one woman break his heart and let him down. She didn’t want to be another. And she really didn’t know what she wanted, or what the right answer was. Should she tell him the truth, that she felt something strong for him? That she wanted him more than she’d counted on? Or should she deny it, keep playing it casual, and let him go back home with no harm done? Even if she told him she felt something, then what? What could they actually do about it? Nothing. The panicky thoughts bounced around in her head and left her paralyzed in silent fear.

  “Fine.” He turned back to her, a flat look in his eyes as his hands dropped to his sides. “It’s fine, Toni. Sorry I pushed you.”

  Her blood pounded in her ears, roared through her veins mercilessly. “Gavin…”

  He stilled, waiting, staring down at her.

  She shook her head and whispered, “Forget it.”

  “Right.” A muscle in his jaw jumped. “After all, we’re just fucking, right? An easy summer fling. It�
�s not like we’ve genuinely become friends or anything. I should keep my concerns and intuition to myself, just leave ya be.”

  His quiet, angry words made her jolt as if he’d slapped her. She stalked away from him, back to the house. She noticed he didn’t follow her this time as she shot up the stairs, went inside, and headed straight for her room. Closing the door and locking it, she leaned back against it and slid down to the floor. The tears she’d been holding in for days slipped down her cheeks. There was so much whirling inside her she felt like her world had tilted off its axis.

  Half an hour later, there was a soft knock on the door. “Toni. Please let me in. I need to apologize.”

  She got a glimmer of satisfaction from the raw emotion that made his voice raspy. If he felt guilty for that nasty comment, that suited her.

  He knocked again. “Toni? Please open the door. What I said at the end there was atrocious. I was just… Toni, I’m so sorry.”

  She closed her eyes and sighed. Avoiding him for the next nine days or picking fights wasn’t going to make his leaving any easier to take. Rising to her feet, she unlocked the door and opened it.

  Gavin leaned against the door frame, his body sagging and eyes tight with remorse. “I shouldn’t have said that last thing,” he blurted. “It was right stupid of me. Rude. Spiteful. Immature. I’m sorry for that. Ya just sparked my temper, pushed me to a limit…” He stared at her balefully. “You wouldn’t talk to me. I got upset, and I acted like a bloody fool.”

  “I’m sorry I upset you,” she murmured. “I didn’t mean to. You were right in the first place. I got bent over something, I shut down, and when you called me on it, I shut you out. So I’m sorry, too.”

  He studied her for a long beat before asking, “Any chance you’ll discuss it with me? Whatever got you ‘bent’ in the first place?”

  “There’s no point,” she whispered, her throat thickening.

  “Hate that answer.” He stared harder at her. “Have you been crying?”