I got the info I needed to reach out to that nigga, so I drove to the store and bought me a notepad, a pen, envelope, and a stamp. I need to write this fuck nigga a letter.
***
After writing each other for over a month, he finally agreed to put me on his visitation list. I was feeling all kinds of emotions when I got on the highway. My final destination was Clinton Correctional Facility, which was a five-hour drive. I smoked a blunt before I left the house. I was trying to ease the anxiety that I was feeling because I knew I couldn’t act a fool up in these people’s shit.
I parked and emptied my pockets. I had to make sure I didn’t have any illegal shit up in my pockets. I straightened up my clothes and walked into the gates of one of the biggest prisons in New York State.
I felt violated when the fucking officer asked to pat me down. Shit, I thought about leaving, but I’d waited too long, and the visit needed to be done. Finally, I was cleared and told to go into the waiting area where I took a seat.
I held my head down for a minute, trying to get my emotions under control. I didn’t see when he approached me. “Hey, man. What’s good?” His voice startled me.
I stood up and gave that nigga dap. I knew that if I wanted to get anywhere, I’d have to at least act cordial towards the fuck nigga.
“I’m good. How are you?”
“Living, I guess.” He chuckled.
“Well shit, you’re looking sick and shit, like you ain’t eating.”
“Man, that’s what I try to tell these people. The fucking food they feed us ain’t shit to get us full at all.”
“Anyway, you know that I wanted to see you face to face ‘cause I felt like it’s because of you that my moms is dead.” I choked up saying those words.
“Damn, Josiah, I thought you just wanted to see how your old man was doing?”
“My old man… I’m confused. The last time we spoke, I called you dad, and you went off on me, telling me that nigga, Corey, was my dad and not you. So, how you goin’ even say that shit? You ain’t my pops. You just the nigga that was fuckin’ my moms.”
“Josiah, I was hurting, and I didn’t know how to deal with that shit. Your entire life I thought you were mine. You were my little nigga, and then, out of the blue, some nigga that was my right hand was claiming he was your father. I was devastated. Put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel?”
“I ain’t got no feelings about the shit. The only feeling I have is for my mom who is dead and buried in some cold ass grave. You, that bitch, and her fucking daughter are all alive.”
"Son, like you I told you in my letters, I am sorry about the death of your mother. I loved her, and I'm hurting also."
"You never loved her. I used to hear you calling her all kinds of names. I saw the bruises. She loved you, and you dogged her out. You are not a man. You are a straight up pussy nigga."
"Yo, she’s dead. Get over that shit. You say you want us to move forward. Now let's drop the past and move forward, son."
I moved over closer to him so no one else would hear what I was saying. "Bro, you not hearing me. There is no moving on until you, that bitch, and her daughter are all six feet deep. Only then will I be able to move on."
"You threatening me, little nigga? Cause I ‘ont do well with threats. I’m telling you now, don't you ever threaten my life again unless you are ready to join your dead mama and daddy."
"Haha. Make sure you read the papers daily." I winked at the nigga and got up to leave. He got up and hurriedly walked up behind me.
"We will meet again, little nigga. I promise you that!" he yelled.
I didn't respond. I kept walking until I heard the door slam behind me. I wasn't fazed by his empty threats. He was always screaming little nigga, but he had no idea that this little nigga had nothing but bloody murder in his heart.
CHAPTER NINE
Destiny
The wedding was only three months away, and although I was one of the happiest women walking these streets, deep down, I was going through some shit. For one, that bitch’s death kept tugging at my soul. Sometimes, at night, I would jump up out of my sleep because I kept seeing her in my sleep. That bitch kept laughing at me like shit was funny. I wish I could kill that bitch again so she could leave me the hell alone. I wish there was someone that I could talk to about it, but I was no fool. I would never, and I mean never, confess to no shit like that, not even to my mama, and I knew she wouldn’t turn on me.
I was up bright and early. I had a doctor’s appointment. Lately, I’d been feeling weaker and weaker. I tried to eat well and exercise, but I still felt bad. I called my doctor the other day, and he did some blood work on me. Going into his office kind of made me nervous. I knew I already had HIV and herpes, but I was praying that with the help of God and my medication, I wouldn’t have full blown AIDS.
***
As I walked into the doctor’s office, I felt a teardrop fall down my face. I quickly wiped it away and walked up to the receptionist’s desk.
“Good morning, Miss Clarke. How are you this morning?”
I wanted to say, ‘Bitch, how the fuck do you think I’m doing?’ but I didn’t. Instead, I smiled and said, “I’m good.”
“Great. Doctor Chezc will be right with you. Go ahead and sign in for me, and then, take a seat in the waiting area.”
“Thanks.”
I sat there in silence, and for the first time, my mind was blank. I pushed all thoughts out of my mind. I didn’t want to worry about things that I knew I had no control over.
“Miss Clarke, Doctor Chezc is ready to see you.”
I nodded at her, walked into the doctor’s office, and immediately took a seat.
“Good morning. Let’s start off by you telling me how you are feeling today?”
“Well, it’s the same old, same old. Nausea and tiredness.”
“Have you been taking your medication daily?”
“Faithfully. Doc, let’s just skip all the bullshit. I know my tests are back. So please, let me know if I need to worry or not.”
“Well, Miss Clarke, you are correct. Your tests are back.” He sat down and grabbed a folder. “It seems as if your immune system is badly damaged, and you have become vulnerable to infections and infection-related cancers called opportunistic infections. The number of your CD4 cells fell below two hundred cells per cubic millimeter of blood. In other words, the herpes and pneumonia that kept attacking you are opportunistic infections, which resulted in your body breaking down, and the HIV has now progressed to AIDS.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I thought you told me that the medications were working, and I was doing okay,” I yelled out in between my cries.
Doc ran over to me and hugged me tight. “I’m so sorry. I was hoping that your T-cells would go up, but instead, they kept going down while the virus level kept going up.”
I didn’t say a word. Fuck that, I couldn’t utter a word. I just sat there with my head on his shoulder, crying my soul out. He held me as he tried his best to comfort me. My body was there, but my mind was in the distance. It was on that bastard who destroyed my life.
After what seemed like an eternity, I finally got myself under control. I used my shirt and wiped away the tears. Doc took my hands and then spoke. “It’s not the end of the world; you are going to fight. I’m going to provide the best possible treatment available, and you’re going to fight this. Do you hear me?”
I wanted to respond, but I had too much anger and hatred in me to even answer him civilly. I just nodded at him as he fed me the shit that they taught him in medical school.
“Okay, let’s get down to business. The goal is to get you healthy. You can still benefit from starting antiretroviral therapy. Our goal is to get you some better treatments and prevention for opportunistic infections. I’ve had patients that live a healthy life although they have AIDS.”
I was ready to go. Just a month ago that nigga told me that I was doing well under the circumstances. Now he was telling me that I ha
d full-blown AIDS. I was a nurse. I knew what the fuck that meant, no matter how the fuck he dressed it up. Bottom line was that my days on this earth were numbered.
After he sat there trying to counsel me, I decided that it was time for me to go. He wrote me some prescriptions, and I walked out of his office with a heavy heart. I jumped in my car and pulled off, letting the tires squeak. I just wanted to get home and get in my bed.
God, why is life so unfair? I know people who lived with HIV for many years without getting AIDS, so why the fuck did my shit have to move along so quickly? I swear, I didn’t understand that shit at all.
***
I walked into the house, and a delicious smell hit my nose. I walked toward the kitchen and realized that it was Spencer in the kitchen. I cleared my throat so he could know I was there.
“Hey there, beautiful. I was trying to surprise you by making lunch.”
“I see. What are you cooking? Whatever it is smells really good.”
“I put a roast in this morning after you left. I also have some Jasmine rice on the stove cooking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t have.” I tried my best to smile.
“What do you mean? You’re always cooking and making sure we’re well taken care of. It’s only fair for me to return the gesture every once in a while.”
I was feeling weak, so I sat on the chair. I used everything in me not to break down. I stared at the man who wanted to give me the world but couldn’t give me the only thing that I wanted. Life. I trembled inside as I thought about what I was about to lose.
“Is Amaiya up?”
“I haven’t seen her.”
“Oh okay, she might be sleeping in late.”
“Are you gonna eat something?”
“Nah, I’m not really hungry,” I sulked.
“Babe, talk to me. What’s been going on with you lately? Is it the wedding? ‘Cause you know we can wait.”
“Why would you say that? You don’t think I want to marry you?”
“Destiny, slow your roll. That’s not what I’m implying. I’ve noticed you’ve been under a lot of stress lately,” he said, sounding annoyed.
I really wanted to yell at his ass because shit, nobody had an idea about the hell I was going through. I was tired of people pacifying me and telling me that it was gonna be okay. Hell no, it was not gonna be alright. My life was falling apart right in front of me.
“I mean, I’m HIV positive, better yet, scratch that. I just found out I have full blown AIDS. So, am I supposed to walk around here, all happy and shit? I try my best every damn day to please everybody in my life. There are fucking days when I am too weak to get up and out of the bed, but I pop these damn pills, swallow my fucking pride, and get up, wash, cook, clean, and do my duties as a woman and a mother without complaining,” I cried out.
“Babe, come here.” He rushed to my side of the table.
“Don’t touch me. Don’t sit here and pretend like you know what the hell I’m going through.”
He put his hands up in the air. “You know what? You’re right. I have no idea what you’re going through, but I’ve told you numerous times that you don’t have to take this walk alone. You need to stop trying to be this super woman and let me help you. Haha, I swear, I know what you’re doing. You are trying to push me away, woman, but I tell you what. I ain’t going no damn where. I am here to stay whether you like it or not. So you need to figure out a way to deal with it.”
He threw the dishcloth down on the counter and rushed out of the kitchen. I sat there with a dumb ass look on my face. I wanted to get up and run after him, but I was feeling too weak, and furthermore, I needed some time to myself. Spencer definitely wasn’t the kind of nigga that I wanted to go off on.
I continued sitting at the table with my head on the counter. I let the tears flow freely. The pain was so deep that I felt like it was a sharp knife slicing me inside.
I dozed off sitting in the same position. I was awakened by the slamming of the front door. I jumped up and walked out of the kitchen. I noticed Amaiya walking in.
“Where are you coming from? I thought you were in your room.”
“Damn, Ma. Do I have to tell you every time I come and go? I’m not a baby anymore, so please stop treating me like I am two or something.” She tried to walk past me.
“I’m going to tell you this for the last gotdamn time. This is my shit, and you will respect my rules while you’re still living here. Matter of fact, give me my damn house keys.”
“Here you go.” She handed the keys to me. “You know you can’t lock me down forever, right? Whatever issues you have, you need to deal with them and stop taking it out on me.”
“Little girl, go to your room and stay there.” I walked off on her ass. I was not playing with her ass, but my body wouldn’t physically let me address her ass the right way. There was no way her ass was going to keep talking to me like she was crazy. I needed to nip that shit in the bud before that heifer felt like she could address me any old way.
JOSIAH
I stood by my bed, staring at my mama’s picture. Her face was the last thing I looked at when I went to bed at night and the first one I looked at when I woke up. It was about that time to make a visit to her graveside again.
I took a quick shower and then smoked a blunt. I then left and was on my way to see my mama. She was buried at Woodlawn Cemetery in the Bronx. This was only my second time going to visit her. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. It was just too fucking painful for me.
I parked and got out of the car with the rest of the blunt that I had left in my hand. I searched through the graves until I reached hers. I sat on top and just stared off into space.
“Mama, guess who this is? Your baby boy,” I laughed. I remained quiet for a few. In my crazy mind, I was waiting to hear her respond to me or run one of her wack ass jokes. That didn’t happen, and it only angered me. I started sniffing, trying my damnest not to shed a tear, but I wasn’t strong enough. Before I knew it, I was lying on top of the grave, hugging it and bawling my eyes out.
“Mama, I’m so sorry I didn’t treat you like the queen that you really were. I’m sorry, Mama.” My voice cracked. I took out my lighter and lit the blunt again. I took a few drags and then continued bawling. “Mama, your baby boy has some good news though. I plan on paying back all those motherfuckas that did you wrong. I know that bitch killed you over that nigga. That’s cool though ‘cause I got her and that little bitch. I promise I’ma make you proud. I promise.” I bawled some more because I wanted my mama. I had nobody in this world. I held my head as a sharp pain ripped through my brain. “I can’t live without you, Mama. I can’t. I swear, I need to be with you.” I continued talking to her. I swear, I just needed her to say something back.
I was all cried out and all of my weed was gone. I got up and knelt down so I could rub my hand across her name. I then kissed the grave. “I love you, Mama. I fucking love you.” I got up and walked off, still shedding tears for my mama. I walked back to my car and jumped in. I was careful not to speed out of there because the Bronx Police were always parked by the Bronx River Parkway. Today wasn’t the fucking day because for one, I was riding dirty. I had crack and my burner on me. I won’t lie. I was on a mission and nobody, including NYPD, was going to stand in my way.
I picked up the phone and dialed Amaiya’s number.
“Hey, bae.” Her sexy voice filled my ear.
“Whaddup, Ma. What you doing?”
“Nothing. My mama’s trippin’ again. She done took my damn house key, and now I’m grounded.”
“Damn, that’s fucked up. I’m sorry that you have to go through such drama, love. What happened to your dad? Can’t you stay with him for a while?”
“Umm, no. That nigga is in prison for some shit. I think he was cheating on my mama then turned around and killed the woman.”
“Damn, bae. I’m so sorry. You have such a rough life. I promise you, I’m gonna get you out of all this shit.”
“Baby, calm down. I told you; I got you. Just humble yourself. I’m about to get you out of this shit.”
“Okay, you better hurry up ‘cause I feel like running away.”
“Listen, boo. Ain’t nothing or nobody that can stop me from seeing you. Believe that. Now dry them motherfucking tears. The only time you need to be crying is when I’m pumping this dick inside of you.”
“Shut up, boy.” She laughed.
“That’s more like it, baby girl. Now, lemme hit you back later. Got some shit to handle in these streets.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too, baby girl.”
It was not even funny how dumb that little bitch was. In another life, I could’ve easily made her my bitch. I quickly blocked her out of my mind and went back to plotting. The time has come for me to implement my next move.
HASSAN
Who said that God wasn’t looking out for a black ass nigga like me? I got a letter from the court notifying me that my petition was granted for an appeal. I wasn’t the most religious ass nigga, but fuck that. I got down on my knees and prayed to the big man. I knew it didn’t mean that I was going home, but shit, it damn sure meant that I had a chance.
I immediately jumped on the phone to call Tanya.
“Hello.” She answered the phone as if she was tired.
“Damn, why every time I call you, you sound so freaking depressed? Fuck, you acting like you the one that’s in prison.”
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