The Dream Life I Never Had

by Terri Douglas

  ‘Just don’t . . . she’s a bit fragile at the moment so don’t go trying anything . . . just be a good friend eh?’ Julie said to Paul.

  ‘I know. She’ll be quite safe with me’ Paul said.

  ‘I am still here you know’ I said.

  ‘I just don’t want you to do something you might regret in the morning’ Julie said.

  ‘Might regret in the . . . go home Julie’ I said not sure whether to laugh or hit her.

  ‘Yes sorry. Phone me tomorrow alright?’ Julie said.

  ‘I’ll phone okay. Night Julie, goodnight Chris’ I said standing back to let them pull out.

  Paul and I watched Julie and Chris drive away then Paul turned to me and said ‘so you ready to have some fun?’

  ‘Yeah about that . . . I know I said . . . and I gave you all the signals that I was . . . the thing is I don’t . . .’ I started to say, well try and say anyway. How was I going to let Paul down gently, I mean he seemed like a nice guy and evidently had been through a lot with his ex-wife so he was probably already quite vulnerable. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I so wasn’t ready for any type of a fling, even a one night revenge type of fling tempting as it might be in light of Martins behaviour. Oh God I was out of practise at this sort of thing.

  ‘It’s alright Sophie you don’t have to explain. How about this, what if we don’t go clubbing what if we find a quiet place and just have a drink together? You can tell me all your troubles and I can tell you all mine, or we can avoid the subject of ex-partners altogether and just pretend for the rest of tonight at least that we’ve never been married either of us, and that problems like that don’t exist?’

  I smiled, Paul was so earnest and trying so hard but I just wasn’t feeling it.

  ‘I promise not to make any moves on you, I’ll be the big brother you never had . . . or maybe you did, have you got a big brother?’ He said.

  ‘No I haven’t got any brothers big or little’ I laughed.

  ‘Well there you are then. And you’d be doing me a favour I haven’t been on a date, even a big brother type date for . . . well since Joanne and I separated and trust me I could do with the practise.’

  Now how could I say no to that, I couldn’t could I? So I didn’t I said ‘yes alright then’.

  27

  Despite not getting home until one in the morning and it being my day off, I still had to get up early to pick Ben and Kate up from my mums and take them to nursery and the play scheme. My head felt a bit like cotton wool and my eyes had a suitcase underneath each one but I managed to drag myself out of bed and once I’d had a coffee or two I began to feel almost human again, albeit a very tired human.

  Kate was jittery and excited about seeing Oliver, and Ben for once in a talkative mood jabbered away in the car about his sleepover at Grandma’s. Normally I’d have been quite pleased that Ben was so chatty, getting any sort of information out of him was like getting blood out of a stone as the normal daily nursery collection and lack of forthcoming info will bear witness to, but today I wasn’t really feeling up to it and was less encouraging than I could have been.

  After taking Ben into the nursery I climbed back in the car to take Kate to the play scheme revelling in the comparative quiet now that Ben was no longer with us. When we arrived Julie was dropping Oliver and Max off and together we waved goodbye to all three children before Julie pounced on me for an update on my late evening tryst with Paul.

  ‘So, how did it go? Did he sleep over? Are you seeing him again?’ She asked eagerly.

  ‘Did he sleep over? Sleep over! . . . No he didn’t sleep over. I only met him last night for goodness sake, and I’ve only been separated from Martin for about ten minutes so no he didn’t sleep over; what sort of a girl do you take me for?’ I said outraged.

  ‘Sorry, I just thought . . . well you know after you saw Martin out with that girl and everything . . . I mean I wouldn’t blame you, anyone would feel . . . and I just . . . sorry. So what did happen after we left?’ Julie said contritely.

  ‘We went for a drink that’s all’ I said.

  ‘And?’

  ‘And we talked.’

  ‘Talked? . . . Well talking’s good I suppose.’

  ‘You were the one who told him not to try anything and be my friend remember, so how come you’re expecting a full blown romance now?’ I challenged her.

  ‘I didn’t . . . I mean I’m not . . . I mean, well I didn’t think he’d actually take any notice of what I said and . . . he was nice and he obviously liked you . . . oh I don’t know what I mean. So what did you talk about?’

  ‘This and that’ I said evasively knowing it was driving her mad, but hey she deserved it after just assuming like that I’d let Paul sleep over.

  ‘Yes but what sort of this and that, this and that the sort of music you listen to and what films you’ve seen and whether he’s the outdoorsy type, or this and that commiserating over your respective ex’s?’

  ‘Yes all of the above’ I said.

  ‘Okay I’m very sorry I assumed you and he had spent the night together, and I’m sorry if I was being pushy and thinking . . . I’m sorry okay. Just cut the crap and tell me what did happen, did he try it on?’

  ‘No he didn’t try it on’ I said laughing at Julie’s enthusiasm.

  ‘He didn’t?’

  ‘No he didn’t, we talked that’s all. He’s still pretty broken after the divorce from his wife Joanne; apparently he caught her in bed with some bloke she works with. I think he still loves her but he can’t forgive her and he’s sort of angry with himself for still having feelings for her. And he’s really cut up that he only gets to see his children once a week.’

  ‘Oh’ Julie said disappointed that I hadn’t stumbled on the love of my life.

  ‘I told him about me and Martin and what a complete arse he’s been, and especially now I’ve seen him out with that girl. You know of all the things I could have said about Martin, did say about Martin, I never thought he was the type to . . . anyway that was mostly what Paul and I talked about.’

  ‘Oh’ Julie said again. ‘So are you going to see Paul again?’

  ‘Maybe, we said we’d stay in touch but who knows.’

  ‘And what about Martin?’

  ‘What about Martin? I was already going to divorce the insensitive bastard, now I’m definitely going to divorce him.’

  ‘Well obviously. But what I meant was are you going to ask him about the girl he was with last night?’ Julie said.

  ‘I don’t know, maybe. I mean as far as Martin knows I was out with someone last night myself so it’s even-steven’s.’

  ‘Yeah I guess.’

  ‘If I’d thought about it for longer than two seconds I’d never have done all that fake flirting with Paul but I was so angry. I can’t exactly play the part of the poor wounded put upon wife now can I, when for all intents and purposes I was doing the exact same thing?’

  ‘No I suppose not. Men are shit aren’t they?’ Julie said with feeling.

  ‘Yep they are’ I agreed. ‘Look I better go, I’ve got a heap of washing to catch up on and if I can manage it I might go back to bed for a couple of hours before I pick the kids up. I’ll see you tomorrow Julie.’

  ‘Okay. Try not to get too depressed, call me if you need to talk. See you tomorrow’ Julie said as she gave me a consolatory hug.

  I got back in my car, waved to Julie, and headed home with the intention of going straight back to bed and to hell with the washing, it’d still be there tomorrow I thought I’d just have to do a bit extra every day until I’d caught up again.

  As soon as I was through the front door I practically ran up the stairs, took my jeans off and threw them in the corner of the bedroom and gratefully slid back under the covers of my unmade bed.

  I Mrs Sophie Cromby, soon to be the divorced Ms Cromby, do solemnly swear that from now until forever I will have nothing to do with men, well not in any sort of a relationship kind of way anyway. I might have a f
ew men friends and they might yearn for it to be more than just a friendship but I won’t even entertain the idea and if they push it I’ll drop them like a hot brick. I’ll work hard and in a year or two I’ll get a loan from the bank and open my own hairdressing salon. Ben and Kate will do well at school and I’ll juggle my single parenthood status with my successful business woman position and in time I’ll buy a new house, a bigger house with at least three bedrooms maybe four. Martin will moulder away getting nowhere and being his usual useless self and alienating one bimbo girlfriend after another just like his best mate bloody Lenny, and they’ll both just rot in their lonely useless bachelor lives getting more and more aggravated with one another as each year passes.

  I drifted off to sleep with a dreamy faraway smile on my face and hoped with all my heart that if I wished hard enough for once the dream life would become a reality.

  I’d been asleep for exactly fifteen minutes when I was rudely awakened by Martin storming through the bedroom door shouting ‘where is he I’ll kill him?’

  ‘What the hell?’ I said groggily as I dragged myself back to the land of the living.

  ‘Where is he Soph, where’s he hiding?’

  ‘Where’s who hiding? What are you doing here Martin?’ I said as I sat up.

  ‘You know who, that jerk I saw you with in the restaurant.’

  ‘You mean Paul? He’s not here, why would he be here?’

  ‘Oh Paul is that his name?’ Martin sneered.

  ‘Yes that’s his name but why would he be here, and even if he was what business is that of yours?’ I said placidly while getting up and retrieving my jeans from the corner of the room I’d launched them at only a short twenty minutes ago.

  ‘Huh snuck out early did he, got what he wanted and legged it?’

  ‘No, there was no sneaking or legging it. He was never here.’

  By now I’d pulled on my jeans and I walked past Martin who was poised at the end of the bed trying to look all macho outrage but in my opinion failing miserably. I went downstairs and flicked the kettle on and Martin followed.

  ‘Where are the children?’ Martin said standing in the kitchen doorway. ‘If you’ve had your fancy man here with Ben and Kate in the next room I’ll . . . I’ll . . .’

  ‘You’ll what Martin? What will you do?’

  ‘I’ll . . .’ Martin said so full of indignation he was lost for words.

  ‘Calm yourself Rambo. Paul isn’t here, has never been here, and the children were at my mums last night but now Ben’s at nursery and Kate’s at her play scheme. Do you want coffee?’ I said, my hand hovering over the cups.

  ‘You’re sure he’s never been here?’

  ‘Well I think I’d know and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t here last night. Of course he could have snuck in when I wasn’t looking; maybe he’s hiding out in the living room? Do you want a coffee or not?’

  ‘Yes I want a coffee’ Martin said coming into the room properly and sitting in his old spot at the kitchen table. ‘Who is this bloke anyway and how long have you known him? Were you seeing him when I was in Spain?’

  ‘He’s Dianne’s brother, you know Dianne from the salon? I only met him last night so no I wasn’t ‘seeing him’ when you were in Spain, and I’m not ‘seeing him’ now either’ I said pouring water into the cups.

  I added milk to the coffee’s and bought them over to the table. I sat down and looking Martin straight in the eye said ‘so tell me Martin, while you’re getting yourself so worked up over what I might or might not be getting up to with a bloke I barely know, who was the girl you were with last night? A long lost relative maybe, some damsel in distress you were rescuing, or a stranger you were just sharing a table with because the restaurant was so crowded?’

  ‘She’s a . . . well a friend I suppose you could say of Lenny’s’ Martin said looking as guilty as a man can look when he’s been well and truly caught out.

  ‘A friend of Lenny’s’ I said as if I believed him. ‘Of course, now why didn’t I think of that?’

  ‘She was, I mean she is. Really Soph she’s a friend of Lenny’s.’

  ‘Right and that’s why she was holding your hand and kissing you was it? Do all Lenny’s friends behave like that or only the special ones, the female ones?’

  ‘I knew you wouldn’t believe me’ Martin said forlornly.

  ‘Does Lenny know that his friend is going out to restaurants with you and that she’s kissing you when he’s not around, or maybe she kisses you even when he is around, maybe she kisses everyone?’

  ‘No’ Martin said as if the idea were ludicrous.

  ‘No what, no she doesn’t kiss you when Lenny’s around or no she doesn’t kiss everyone?’

  ‘No she doesn’t kiss everyone . . . or anyone . . . and she wasn’t exactly kissing me.’

  ‘She was Martin. You know that thing people do when they put their lips together sort of pouting and they press them on another person, that’s called kissing and she was definitely doing that pouting pressing thing on you, I saw her do it. I can’t believe you didn’t notice it at the time but trust me that was kissing.’

  ‘Yes alright, what I mean is she wasn’t kissing me like that . . . like she was my girlfriend or something. She was just trying to make me feel better.’

  ‘Oh I see, she was trying to make you feel better. Well I bet it did, I’ll just bet it made you feel loads better’ I said, my sarcasm button now well and truly pressed and stuck in the on position.

  ‘Look if you must know . . .’ Martin started to say.

  ‘Oh I must, I definitely must know’ I said.

  ‘If you must know Lindsey has been . . .’

  ‘Lindsey? Ah that’s such a cute name.’

  ‘Are you going to let me talk?’ Martin said impatiently.

  ‘Oh absolutely, do carry on. I won’t interrupt again I promise.’

  ‘Lindsey has been seeing Lenny and . . .’

  ‘Lindsey and Lenny, how sweet’ I said smiling. ‘Sorry, I did it again didn’t I?’

  ‘Anyway Lindsey thinks she might be pregnant and . . .’

  ‘Yes that’s what comes of all that pouting and pressing I was telling you about. Has she been trying to make Lenny feel better as well?’

  ‘Are you going to listen or am I just wasting my time?’ Martin said.

  ‘Oh no you’re not wasting your time, not at all, this is riveting stuff. So Lindsey thinks she might be pregnant and then what happened?’

  ‘Well Lenny says it’s not his and has washed his hands of her.’

  ‘No I can’t believe that. And here was I thinking they would make such a cute couple and then Lenny goes and blows her out. Whatever is she going to do?’ I queried cynically.

  ‘She doesn’t know what to do, that’s why I took her out for a meal to try and cheer her up a bit and . . . I don’t know talk to her, help her decide what’s best.’

  ‘Well you are good at that sort of thing, you know being understanding and helping people out when they’re having a crisis.’

  ‘Are you trying to be funny?’ Martin said.

  ‘Me? No’ I said exaggeratedly. ‘You’re a very understanding person Martin. I know you’d always be there if someone needed you wouldn’t you?’

  ‘You are being funny aren’t you; well I was trying to help her. She was in a terrible state and crying and everything and I was talking to her and then . . . well then I looked up and there you were with that bloke Paul or whatever his name is.’

  ‘Oh and that’s when she tried to make you feel better. How ironic that you took her out to make her feel better but she was the one who ended up making you feel better, it’s funny how things work out isn’t it?’

  ‘You don’t believe me do you?’ Martin said.

  ‘Ooh let me think for a moment while I weigh up all the evidence, and you know take into consideration your character based on my first-hand experience and all the help and understanding you’ve given me for the last how many years is it? Okay you
were out in a fairly posh restaurant place that you’d never taken me to, you were sitting across from a young girl I didn’t know and gazing into her eyes, you were holding hands and she kissed you despite you not knowing what a kiss was, and now you’re telling me she was Lenny’s girlfriend even though Lenny wasn’t there and you were helping her to feel better although I have to say you’re not exactly known for your charitable works. Mmm I can see why you might be dubious as to whether I believed you or not, and do you know I think you might be right. I think perhaps I don’t believe you. In fact I think it’s all a right load of old rubbish’ I said smiling sweetly.

  ‘But she is Lenny’s girlfriend.’

  ‘Was, you said he’d dumped her remember? Try and get your story straight Martin.’

  ‘Whether she is or she was, I was just trying to help and then when I saw you with that moron you were sitting with I lost it a bit and Lindsey felt bad for me and was . . . she just kissed my cheek it was a friendly kiss that’s all’ Martin insisted.

  ‘Oh and would you look at that’ I said pointing towards the window ‘did you see that, who would have believed that pigs really can fly’.

  ‘Okay’ Martin said standing up. ‘Believe what you want. I’m telling you Lindsey is Lenny’s girlfriend and now she’s pregnant and I was just trying to help her and there’s nothing more than that going on. If you don’t want to believe me well that’s up to you, there’s nothing else I can say.’

  And on that parting note he left.

  28

  The anger I felt at the whole situation overrode any hurt I might be feeling and carried me through the rest of the week. I was angry that Martin had a girlfriend, angry that judging by what I’d witnessed in the restaurant she’d been his girlfriend for some time; it was obvious to me that it was no first date they were on. I was angry that he’d made up that whole cock and bull story about her being Lenny’s girlfriend and he was just trying to help, but mostly I was angry at myself for having been so stupid and naïve all this time.

  On Saturday when Martin arrived for his child-minding duties we barely spoke to each other but on the drive into work I loudly verbalised all my anger despite there being no-one else in the car to hear it. I shouted all the things I wished I’d said when I’d had the chance with not a clue as to how mad I might look, but when I pulled up at the lights still ranting away and noticed some of the other drivers looking at me strangely I managed to reign it in a bit.