Always Been You

by Tracy Luu

  “I figured that’s where Jacob probably got that idea from,” I whispered back.

  Both ignoring Jacob’s inquiring look as we shared a laugh, Ashley then gave me a conspiratorial wink, let go of her hold on my shoulder, and headed up the stairs.

  “Oh, Jacob? You should show Jenna. I’m sure she’ll like what you did.”

  “What is she—?”

  “Let’s get started on our paper,” he said and pulled me down the hall.

  Since the temperature was still warm outside, Jacob and I opted to go out onto the patio to work on our essays. However, after an hour of watching him scribbling away at his paper as he perused through one of the reference materials we were using, I gazed down at my blank paper and sighed. A humongous book about the Cold War was also sitting open on my lap, but my brain hadn’t digested a single word. Even with the tranquil waves lapping against the shore, and the scattered clouds floating slowly in the sky by the calm breeze, I knew there was no way I could concentrate on my work. My head was still running through all the possibilities about what Ashley had said. Rather than trying to make another attempt at my paper, I threw down my pen and decided to ask Jacob what Ashley had meant.

  “What was your sister talking about?” I said. “You know, about showing me something?”

  He hesitated for a bit then let out a sigh. “She wants me to show you my room.”

  “And?” I left the question hanging in the air, but rather than answering, Jacob sighed again, closed his book and rose to his feet. “You’re seriously going to show me?”

  “How else are we going to finish this paper then?”

  Twitching my lips, I bit back a retort wanting to escape my mouth and followed him back into the house. I guess Jacob wasn’t that eager. Once we reached the top of the stairs, he then quickly ran in front of me and shut his bedroom door.

  “I changed my mind,” he said.

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s messy.”

  “Jacob, I’ve already seen your room when it was messy.”

  He wouldn’t budge.

  “Please?” I asked, giving him a wide-eyed puppy dog look.

  “You are evil,” he said.

  “Like I told you before, I learned from the best,” I grinned.

  “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he muttered and slowly opened his door.

  “I don’t know why you wanted to hide your room from me. Besides the pile of clothes on the floor by your closet, everything still appears the same,” I said. “I see you have the picture from Halloween out on display.”

  “Ashley saw it and asked why I had a photo of the Spice Girls in my room.”

  “What did you tell her?”

  “I just told her to look closer at it. When she did, I then told her it was part of our Halloween costume. She easily recognized Matt, but I was harder to convince. She became doubtful, even after I had pointed out which one was me. She just couldn’t believe I was really under all that makeup and wearing a wig. When I told her to look closer, she then got convinced once she saw the body wasn’t curvy enough, my hairy legs of course, and the implants peeking out of the dress.”

  “Aren’t you glad I didn’t make you shave your legs?” I smirked.

  “Yes, but now I have a sister who pokes fun by asking me for makeup tips.”

  “Oh, poor Jacob,” I said in mock seriousness. “He can’t handle the idea of having a sister bugging him about something as little as makeup.”

  He folded his arms. “Go ahead and have a good laugh why don’t you.”

  “Okay, I will.”

  I dissolved into a fit of giggles when something else caught my eye. Jacob must have known what I saw. He quickly went over, stood in front of the bookshelf near his bed, and blocked my way. I sighed heavily as I walked right up to him, then feinted to the right and jagged to the left. When I finally drew in a sharp intake of breath, he knew I had seen what he was hiding from me and slowly cowered away.

  The crystal frame was beautiful. It was made of sterling silver and had a branch of Swarovski crystal blossoms around the edge. But the thing that shocked me was a picture of me inside the frame.

  My hair was loose and I was wearing my favourite light blue summer dress. It had thin straps to hold it to my upper body and the bottom ended a few inches above my knees. I was sitting on the beach, looking out at the sunset. It was during the time we all had gone down to English Bay this past summer to watch the firework competition that’s held here every year.

  “You looked so beautiful with the sun setting behind you, I had to capture it and managed to take it without you knowing I did,” he said, blushing furiously and staring at his feet. “I only stood in front of it because I was afraid of what you might think if you saw it.”

  I wasn’t sure on how to respond, until I became conscious of the fact that all the photos on this particular bookshelf were either of just me or of the two of us together. Wondering where Matt and the rest of his friends were, I then scanned the room and found them displayed on the same bookshelf by the door that held the Halloween picture.

  “Is this what your sister’s talking about?” I asked, lifting up his chin. “I’m very flattered Jacob. I just never knew…”

  “You think I have an emotional range of a house fly, don’t you?” he muttered. I started to laugh. “And now you’re thinking of me as a housefly zooming around, right?”

  “With your face on it,” I giggled.

  “Think that’s funny, do you?”

  Jacob let out a low growl, and a quick second later, he tackled me onto his bed. For a split second I lay there motionless, trying to register what had just happened, when Jacob suddenly rolled me onto my back, straddled his legs against my waist, and pinned my arms above my head. Looking a little triumphant that he had gotten the upper hand, he then widened his smirk, and quickly began tickling my sides.

  “J…Jacob, s…stop!” I protested.

  “But I love it when you squirm,” he grinned.

  I continued to wriggle around when I suddenly noticed what an intimate position we were in. I guess Jacob must have noticed it too. Once I went still, he then stopped his assault on me, but rather than letting me go so I could get up, a feral look came into his eyes. It was so intense, a shiver ran down my spine as goose bumps erupted all over my skin. Then a heartbeat later, Jacob moved his head and crushed his mouth with my own.

  The voice inside my head, which sounded like Amy’s lecturing voice, kept telling me to stop unless he told me how he felt. My body, however, was telling me to just let his lips continue to travel over my mouth, and I automatically wove my arms around his neck.

  As he deepened the kiss and pulled me even closer, I was so lost from his scent, from his touch, from everything that was Jacob, I momentarily forgot where I was. I didn’t even care that he never told me how he felt about me. With the way how urgent his kisses were, it was hard thinking about anything else. But when I suddenly felt his warm hand caressing my stomach, I forced myself to break the kiss.

  My cheeks were flushed and my lips felt swollen, but rather than worrying about my appearance as his lips continued to hungrily kiss the hollow part of my neck, I then became aware of a certain part of Jacob’s anatomy pressing insistently against my thigh. With a strength I didn’t know I possessed, I placed my hands between our bodies and pushed against Jacob’s chest.

  I didn’t dare chance a look at Jacob in fear of what I may see when he finally moved himself off me. My breath was uneven, like his, and I felt embarrassed and completely confused about the entire situation. I tried to ask him about what just happened, except I couldn’t find my voice. I was too shaken up by the whole thing. But then, just as I got up to leave, Jacob suddenly leapt from his bed and grabbed a hold of my wrist.

  “I…I’m sorry, Jenna,” he blurted out. “I shouldn’t have—damn, I’m sorry.”

  “W…what does this mean?” I whispered.

  “I really don’t know.”
/>   I couldn’t stop the tiny sob that escaped my mouth or the blurry vision in my eyes. Keeping the tears back long enough to get out of there with my dignity still intact as my heart gave a painful lurch, I put a hand up over my mouth, took a few deep breaths through my nose, and willed myself to calm down. Eventually getting myself under control, I then muttered out a goodbye and left his room.

  I honestly couldn’t even remember how I managed to get home. All I remember was ignoring my mom as I went straight up to my room, flung myself into bed, and finally allowed the tears I had been holding back to fall.

  The next morning, my pillow was soaked, and I could feel this lingering after effect that made me believe my sleep was troubled and that the dreams had not been pleasant. Evidence to that was the fact that my eyes were so puffy, I could barely see.

  I was glad I didn’t have to go to school due to a Pro-D day, but I still needed to get out of bed and face my friends, even if I wasn’t in the mood to leave my room. I didn’t want to disappoint them when we had already made plans to spend the day at the fair.

  Determined to forget about last night, I walked into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and drowsily let the warmth of the water wash away all traces of my dreams. When I finally hopped out of the shower and began to mechanically brush my teeth, I then took a swipe at the foggy mirror and was surprised with the image in front of me.

  My skin was pink, almost matching the colour of the redness of my eyes. I guess I used the loofah a bit too roughly when I was trying to rid myself of all the places Jacob had touched. My head was even a tangled mess from using the shampoo to wash away the feeling of his fingers running through my hair.

  Letting out a long sigh, I knew that no matter how hard I tried to rid what had happened, even if I hopped back into the shower and scrubbed my body all over again until it was raw and bleeding, the feeling left by Jacob’s hands will always be a part of me whether I wanted it or not.

  After placing a pair of soaked chamomile tea bags on my eyes and leaving them for a few minutes, I finally got changed and went down for breakfast, but it was hard trying to eat the blueberry waffles my mom had made for me. My mouth was so dry it felt like I was chewing on a piece of rubber.

  My mom knew something was up, but she didn’t ask what the problem was though, for which I was grateful. My dad, on the other hand, was completely oblivious and thought I was just tired. He even began telling me his usual jokes like he did every morning.

  Ten minutes later, I finally gave up trying to get something down in my stomach and went into the living room to wait for Matt and Amy. When I left the table, I then heard my dad quietly ask my mom if something was wrong with me. I guess he wasn’t as oblivious as I thought.

  Hearing the sound of the roar coming from Matt’s silver Mustang a moment later, I did my best to put on the happiest face I could muster, and I headed out the door.

  Matt and Amy suspected something was wrong when they saw the expression on my face, but surprisingly, they didn’t ask either. Instead they began to dish out the latest gossip in school which made me feel more at ease.

  When we got to the fair, I was like a drone walking beside them as we headed to meet our friends by the gate. Since I was in a daze with a distant, lost look on my face, I didn’t notice Jacob was with them until we were only an inch apart.

  The butterflies were flittering around rapidly in my stomach, I felt like I was going to puke. Although when I forced out a fake smile, so I wouldn’t draw attention on me from everyone else, I was surprised to see Jacob returning my grin.

  “So which rides should we go on first?” asked Alex.

  “I think we should do the roller coasters now before lunch,” replied Katie, as she scrunched her face in disgust. “That way it reduces the risk if someone accidentally throws up. The tamer ones can always come later.”

  “Then which one of the three should we pick?” asked Devon.

  “Let’s go on the old wooden one first,” said Nikki when she noticed me nervously shuffling my feet. “Jenna, is something wrong?”

  “She’s afraid of heights,” Amy interceded on my behalf.

  “Does that mean you’re not going to come?” asked Katie.

  “Um, well…”

  “What if I went with you?” said Jacob.

  As soon as those words left his lips, I knew our friends probably thought Jacob wanted to be alone with me for other reasons. I wanted to tell them that it wasn’t the case, but given the current situation between me and Jacob, and since I’d already vowed to myself that I wouldn’t ruin the day for them, I clearly ignored their amused smirks and gave Jacob a silent nod.

  In my opinion, the journey towards my impending doom hadn’t been long enough. As we stood in line and waited for our turn, I was seriously debating about going on the roller coaster. It was old, very squeaky, and clanked a lot. Once I heard the loud, curdling screams coming from the car of passengers reaching the first hill, I then decided I had enough of this nerve-wracking waiting and chose not to go on. But before I could try and escape out of the gate as everyone else rushed ahead, Jacob grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the back.

  My voice still wouldn’t cooperate, so the only thing I could do was just smile feebly at Jacob as I climbed in and scooted to the other side. When he settled himself beside me, I then quickly closed my eyes and waited for this speeding deathtrap to begin. I thought my heart had physically lodged into my throat when the ride jerked, and without thinking, I grabbed onto Jacob’s shirt. I didn’t even care when he pulled me closer, or that I had my face buried against his chest. I was just amazed I didn’t even scream.

  My breath rushed from my lungs when the ride finally came to a screeching halt, and I felt shaky but happy I could still climb out of the car. Although when I took a few steps towards the exit, my head began to spin. It was a good thing Jacob was behind me, or I would have collapsed to the ground, my weak knees completely incapable of supporting my weight.

  Making sure he had his arm wrapped securely around my waist, Jacob then carefully helped me out of the gate and brought me to a bench. When he sat down beside me, however, I noticed that there was enough space between us for a third person to sit.

  “Jenna…”

  He didn’t get to continue. Our friends were running towards us, calling our names.

  “Talk about bad timing from stupid, obtrusive friends,” he muttered to himself. “Doesn’t give me a damn chance to be alone with her, even for one moment.”

  The tone of his voice sent that same shiver I felt last night up my spine. It was so full of raw emotion, more goose bumps erupted all over my skin. Although when our eyes met, I found him looking at me, as if he was telepathically asking me if we were okay. But before I could respond, Amy was already grabbing my arm and pulling me away.

  “How was your first ride on a roller coaster?” she asked me.

  “Can’t tell you really,” I said. “I don’t think I’m ever gonna do that again.”

  Amy smacked herself on the forehead. “Oh shit!” she cried. “Did I make the situation worse by letting you go up?”

  “What situation?”

  “Something happened between you and Jacob yesterday, didn’t it?”

  “We sort of had a disagreement about something, but we’ll be fine,” I lied. “Besides, we’re supposed to be having fun today. Don’t worry about me and enjoy yourself, alright?”

  “You sure?”

  “Positive.”

  I was smiling as I watched her join Matt, but frowned once I noticed the next ride we came upon. It was the Hellevator, a ride that brought you up over two hundred feet before plummeting back to the ground.

  “There is no way in hell I’m going on that,” I said. “I’ll just wait here until you guys are done.”

  “But we don’t want to leave you alone,” said Nikki.

  “I’ll stay with her,” said Jacob. “I’m not really in the mood to go up either.”

  Our friends exchange
d more looks with one another, but instead of teasing us, they thanked Jacob and left us alone. A second later, a slightly calloused hand took a hold of mine.

  “You really didn’t have to stay behind, Jacob,” I said.

  “It’s fine,” he said. “Besides, I need to talk to you. Let’s go somewhere where we won’t be interrupted by them.”

  I didn’t think we would be able to hear each other with so many people at the fair, but then Jacob suddenly stopped, and I found myself standing in line for the Ferris wheel.

  It felt like an eternity as we waited to go on. The awkwardness in the air was thick and suffocating, but rather than engaging in an intelligent conversation like any other normal person, I was preoccupied with the noises from everything else. I didn’t even know we had gotten into a cart until I felt my stomach lurch when the wheel started to spin.

  “Are you all right?” he said with concern.

  “I’ll be fine,” I said. “So, what did you want to talk to me about?”

  “I wanted to discuss what happened last night,” he replied.

  “I figured we were bound to talk about it sooner or later. It’s why you suggested this, isn’t it?”

  “It was the only way for us to be alone. I knew we wouldn’t have any privacy to talk with the others around. Anyway, I just wanted to apologise for what happened yesterday in my room. It was a stupid mistake on my part. I didn’t mean to kiss you and put you in that position. I really am sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.”

  My heart felt like an anvil had plummeted into my stomach. What Jacob just said wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him to read the hurt expression I knew was showing on my face. Biting my lip as the ride continued to spin, I then quietly stared out at the fair, disappointed with myself for thinking that Jacob liked me too.

  “I’m sorry for running out on you before you got a chance to explain,” I whispered a moment later.

  “I understand why you did,” he said with sadness in his voice. “I really shouldn’t have kissed you like that. I even made it worse between us when I pushed you onto my bed.”