Always Been You

by Tracy Luu

  “You shouldn’t be the only one to feel bad about everything,” I said, turning back to face him. “I had a hand in it too.”

  “But I was the one who initiated the kiss first,” he sighed. “I just hope what happened doesn’t ruin our friendship.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Jacob. It didn’t.”

  “So we’re still friends?”

  “We’re still friends.”

  “Friends in a strange situation, but friends nonetheless,” he added quietly, as we walked off the ride.

  “And where did you guys run off to?” asked Nikki.

  “We didn’t want to be bored standing around waiting for you, so we went on the Ferris wheel,” explained Jacob.

  “And…?” Amy’s question hung in the air as her eyes bounced from me to Jacob.

  “And what?” I asked her.

  “Does this mean everything is okay between you and Jacob?” she whispered.

  I looked over at the boy in question, who was laughing at something Devon had said.

  “I guess it does.”

  Chapter 14

  A Heated Argument

  Even though Jacob and I still felt a tiny bit uneasy around each other, we didn’t get much of a chance to see if things really were fine between us. Since I already made a promise, I had attended Jacob’s mom’s birthday, which also included Jacob’s celebration for getting in to UBC the next day. But soon after that we became busy with exams and reports, and I didn’t have time to delve into the way Jacob was acting.

  Around everyone, he always seemed to be smiling and laughing. Even his sense of humour started to show itself. I was happy to see him teasing anyone if he got the chance, yet sometimes it felt like he was putting on an act for me.

  Three Saturdays later, Amy and I finally had our first break from studying and were watching Matt, Jacob, Adam, and a few others playing a pickup game of soccer on the school’s main field. Nikki, Devon, Alex, and Katie had wanted to come, except they still had one more exam to study for. Regrettably, we weren’t as relaxed as we wanted to be. Since the trees were on the other side of the track, Amy and I found it very uncomfortable to be sitting on the football field and under the heat from the warm rays of the afternoon sun.

  Amy and I even tried cooling off by dousing each other with a couple of water bottles from the cooler someone had brought. It didn’t work. Within minutes, we were completely dry. Therefore, the only other thing we had left was to take off our shirts. However, just as soon as I pulled my shirt over my head, a boisterous hoot erupted from behind me. Both Matt and Jacob were on the ground, rubbing their heads.

  “Hey, what just happened?” I asked Amy.

  “You took off your shirt,” she said, tossing her shirt to the side.

  “So did you.”

  “I know, but I wasn’t the one who caused Jacob to fall on the ground,” she grinned. “I guess he didn’t realise you were wearing a tank top underneath. He was so busy watching you undress, he didn’t even see the ball coming straight for him.”

  “Then how come Matt’s on the grass?”

  “When it bounced off Jacob’s head, the ball then rebounded and hit Matt in the face,” she giggled.

  “Jacob, get your head back into the game and stop gawking at Jenna!” yelled Matt.

  My eyes widened in embarrassment for causing a halt to their game as Jacob, whose face was all red, got up from the ground and shot me a quick smirk.

  “You really should have seen his slacked-jaw ex—”

  Amy’s sentence was derailed as she became completely fixated ahead. Jacob had also decided to take off his shirt to relieve himself from the heat. A soft groan then came from beside me as he bent down to pick up the oval ball.

  “Now who has the slacked-jaw expression?” I grinned.

  “How can I not when an incredible chest comes with such a gorgeous package?”

  “I thought you loved Matt?”

  “I didn’t say Jacob’s chest was sexier than Matt’s, did I?” she smirked. “And now because we’re talking about a naked Matt, I can’t wait until later when I’m alone with him.”

  “Way too much information, Ames,” I muttered.

  The game didn’t even make it past an hour when one of the guys finally called it over on account of the sun being too sweltering to play. Amy and I watched as the field immediately became littered with exhausted players, all of them collapsing into wheezing heaps on the ground.

  “I guess we should go see if they’re all right,” sighed Amy.

  We helped each other to our feet and began to cut across the field. A second later I found myself back down on the grass.

  “That’s one way of making an impressive impact,” Amy giggled.

  “Piss off, Taylor,” I scowled.

  “Sorry to interrupt, but are you okay?”

  It felt eerily familiar, like when I had first met Aaron, as I glanced up and saw a pair of brown eyes staring at me. Except this time, this guy had a strange dark glint to his gaze.

  “I’m fine,” I said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

  “You didn’t bump against me too hard,” he said. “If you want, there is a way for you to make it up to me.”

  “And what’s that?” I asked, ignoring his offered hand as I lifted myself up.

  “Have dinner with me tonight,” he grinned.

  “Not to be rude or anything, but who are you?” asked Amy.

  “The name’s Jack Lewis.” His eyes were glued firmly on me as he moved in closer, causing me to flinch as his hot breath brushed against my skin. “So, what do you say beautiful? Feel like taking me up on my offer?”

  I didn’t get to answer. Jacob, whose jaw was tight and his eyes blazing, was already up from the ground, striding towards Jack with a thunderous expression on his face.

  “Lewis! What the hell are you doing?” he roared, yanking me behind him.

  “Geez, Bennett, you don’t need to yell. I was just talking. What’s the big deal?”

  “You’re trying to steal my girlfriend, that’s what!”

  My first reaction was to turn to Amy and Matt, who were both gaping at Jacob, their faces mirrored with my own astonished look. But when I turned back to Jacob, I was shocked to see that his eyes were filled with hurt. Or was it regret? I wasn’t sure. It was clear he wanted to say something as he chewed on his bottom lip, except, he didn’t. He just stood rigidly beside me, flicked his gaze back to Jack, and clenched his fists.

  The look on Jacob’s face was the exact same look he had at the picnic. Any guy would be running for the hills right now, but Jack didn’t back down. Instead, he made himself more daunting by merely pulling himself up to full height, returning a hard stare back at Jacob.

  “It doesn’t look like she’s yours, Bennett,” he exclaimed.

  The tone in his voice gave me a sudden chill as his eyes began flicking back and forth between my face and my chest in an obvious betrayal of thoughts. I shuddered and could feel Jacob stiffen beside me.

  “Stay away from her,” growled Jacob.

  “Why should I?” smirked Jack. “Since it looks like anybody’s ballgame, I’m planning on taking that opportunity with her, if you know what I mean. I’m sure she’ll even enjoy what it feels like to be pleasured by a real man.”

  It was so quiet, the sound of Jacob’s fist impacting on Jack’s face echoed across the field. No one spoke. No one moved. All eyes from the players and spectators watching the game were trained on us three as Jack got thrown to his feet.

  “No, Jack!”

  “But that piece of shit punched me!” Jack slurred, as Adam suddenly rushed passed me and pinned him back down onto the grass.

  “And I won’t hesitate to do it again!” Jacob said with a sneer.

  With renewed ferocity, Jacob let out a strangled snarl and tried to lunge again at Jack, who was struggling to remove himself from Adam’s grasp, when I quickly threw myself in front of Jacob and forcibly pushed him ba
ck.

  “Jacob, quit it,” I snapped.

  Jacob’s eyes met mine as he panted with fury, but he quickly stilled in my hold.

  “Adam, do you know this asshole?” I asked, redirecting my glare to Jack.

  “He’s my cousin,” said Adam. “When I asked him to join us, I didn’t expect this to happen. I am so sorry about this, Jenna.”

  “I’m sorry too,” I said, then turned to Jacob and poked him hard in the chest with my index finger. “And you! What the hell were you thinking?”

  “I was trying to defend you, or did you not hear what he just said to you?” growled Jacob.

  “Of course I heard what he said,” I said hotly.

  “But did you listen?”

  “What do you mean, did I listen? Of course I listened!”

  “Then you know why I had to punch that bastard in the face!”

  “That still doesn’t give you the right to think you can just protect me like that!”

  I just couldn’t understand it. Jack hadn’t laid a finger on me so there was no plausible answer as to why Jacob was acting so volatile and jealous. Unless...

  My insides quickly began twisting in knots. Fear and hope warred within me, crashing so violently against each other that bouts of nausea began to fill my body.

  Desperately needing to get some air, and away from everyone else’s dumbfounded stares, I took a deep breath, released it sharply, and pushed my way through the crowd. Unfortunately, the last person I didn’t want to be around was hot in pursuit, chasing me as I headed across the field.

  “Jenna, wait!” Jacob bellowed.

  “No! I don’t want to talk to you!” I yelled back. “In fact, I don’t want to be near you! Leave me the hell alone!”

  I broke out into a full run once I made it out of the fence, but the thundering sounds of heavy footsteps against rough pavement was still gaining right behind me. I veered around the curb and tried to continue down the block, when all of a sudden a hand grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back. I tried to rip my arm out of Jacob’s grasp, but he gripped it tighter, and with his other hand, turned me to face him.

  “Let me go!” I seethed, beating my free hand against his chest.

  “Not until you hear me out,” he insisted.

  “Why should I?” I said through gritted teeth. “I really don’t want to be around you right now. I am just so angry with you.”

  “Why are you angry with me? I’m not the one trying to get into your pants,” he said.

  “If we’re going to stand here and argue about what just happened with Jack, then I really don’t need to hear it again.”

  “That’s not why I caught up to you.”

  “Then why did you?”

  “I did it because I don’t want to throw away our friendship over something stupid that I did,” he said, his voice sounding bitter as he let me go. “Look, I didn’t like the idea of him hitting on you, and I guess I sort of overreacted. I couldn’t help it. I was jealous, Jenna. I literally saw red when he approached you, and I wanted to rip that insolent smile off his face.”

  “Then explain to me why you think you have the right to go around saying I’m your girlfriend when I’m not yours to defend?”

  “I…I can’t.”

  I inhaled a deep breath and sighed heavily. “Then I’m sorry to tell you this, Jacob, but I can’t be your friend anymore,” I said with sadness laced in my voice. “Relationships can’t work when people hide things…even friend relationships.”

  “But I don’t want us to stop talking to each other, Jenna. I’ve gotten so used to having you around all the time that I’ve come to depend on you.”

  “Then tell me why you had to punch Jack in the face for me when we both know I could have easily handled him,” I demanded, getting heated up again.

  “Only if you tell me the real reason why you had accepted a date with Aaron,” he retorted.

  “Why the hell do you need to know that?”

  “I just do.”

  “I don’t know why I need to explain that to you, but fine, I’ll tell you. The real reason I accepted a date with Aaron when he had asked me is because I thought you and me were just friends and nothing more. Ever since tenth grade, I had given up hope thinking you would ever like me like how I liked you. Back then when I heard about you and Ivy, the pain that went through me felt like a thousand knives stabbing all over my body. You don’t even know the extent on how I felt when I saw you kiss her, or all the hours I’d cried over it. I even went to the limit and ignored you, for God’s sake. The stupid thing about it was it actually helped. I got over you. But then you had to show up in my life again, and I became wary and very afraid.”

  “Afraid of me…” he hesitated, “or afraid of our friendship?”

  “Both. I had been afraid of getting close to you.”

  “I thought us getting closer was a good thing?”

  “I thought so too, until you kissed me on New Year’s. After that happened, I had to keep telling myself it was just a friendly gesture. I didn’t want to overanalyse the meaning behind your kiss in case I got the wrong interpretation again. Except once I saw the way you looked at me in your room, I already knew what you were going to do. I even let the kiss continue and responded to it. I know I shouldn’t have, but I’m now at the point where I’m tired of the two of us dancing around each other.”

  “I don’t understand what you mean,” said Jacob.

  “And here I actually thought you were smarter than this,” I muttered. “Jacob, I only let our kiss continue because I’ve fallen for you again. I’m not going to tell you that I love you, but I can tell you that it’s deeper than the crush I had for you back in tenth grade. The sad thing about it all is now I don’t know if I want to even like you anymore.”

  “Jenna…”

  “No, Jacob!” I said, pushing his arm away. “Have you any idea how hard things have been for me? I’ve had to deal with a lot of huge headaches from battling with the inner voice in my head that’s telling me things can’t continue, while my heart keeps telling me everything will turn out fine. To this day, I still can’t stop thinking about what happened in your room! Even if we came to an agreement, I don’t believe you really meant it when you said our kiss had been a mistake!”

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he ground out.

  “Then why did you say that to me if you didn’t want to hurt me?” I pleaded, but my heart sank when Jacob silently looked away. “Forget I mentioned it then.”

  “Jenna, please don’t leave,” he whispered.

  “Why? I’ve told you the reason on why I chose to go out with Aaron, yet you still haven’t once explained yourself!”

  “But I’ve been trying to find the right opportunity to talk to you about it. I was afraid of how you’d react. I don’t want to lose you in my life. That’s why I lied and told you the kiss in my room had been a mistake.”

  “So you think telling me that you lied to me would make me feel better?”

  “Yes…I mean, no.”

  “Which one is it, Jacob?”

  “No, I didn’t want to lie to you, but I couldn’t help it.”

  “Why not?”

  “I guess now’s a good time to come clean and tell you the truth about everything,” he said, grabbing fistfuls of his hair in his hands. “Do you remember that day we had that weird conversation while shopping for Matt’s birthday gift?”

  “How could I forget? That was the most we’ve ever revealed to each other.”

  “Except what I didn’t reveal was the whole truth to you,” he sighed. “When I had suggested for us to pretend to be a couple, what I really wanted is to make it real.”

  His hands closed firmly around my upper arms, just below my shoulders, and Jacob’s face was suddenly very close to my own. All the air from my lungs seemed to evaporate at his touch. Reminding myself to breathe, I tilted my head back several inches to meet his hazel gaze and forced myself to speak.

  “I don’t believ
e you,” I whispered, not breaking eye contact. “I know you’ve told me that you liked me back in tenth grade, but how could this be true when you still went out with really pretty girls?”

  “What do you mean?” he stated calmly.

  “Look at me, Jacob,” I said. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m not as curvy as Amy, long-legged like Ivy, or even voluptuous as someone like Amber. I know I’m not ugly, but I’m not as beautiful as them.”

  A sudden coolness indicated he had released his hold on me.

  “I’ve never pictured you as someone who would be doubtful about how they look,” he told me slowly. “You always seem really confident.”

  “Around others, yes, but like most girls, I tend to find many faults in my features, whenever I’m around girls who are prettier than me.”

  After a moment of silence, Jacob finally said, “Jenna, do you trust me?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Then what would you say if I told you that I thought you are very pretty?”

  “Then I would say that you’re very biased because you think of me as your best friend.”

  “I may be a little biased, but it’s not because you’re my best friend,” he said. “I’m biased because like you, I’ve fallen for you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. There is no one else who pushes me like you do, no one who makes me better than I am. You’ve constantly amazed me with your strong mind and personality, and the way how your friends always come first, even if you are the one hurting inside. All in all, you have captured my heart. It’s even gotten to the point where you haunt my thoughts every day and inhabit my dreams. Every night I would lie in bed and think about holding you, touching you, and even kissing you.”

  A gasp hung in the air. When I realised it was coming from me, I quickly clamped my mouth shut. Of all the things I had been anticipating, this certainly was not on my list.

  “You know the roses I gave you on Valentine’s Day?” he said, smiling at my reaction. “When the florist explained the true meaning of what they represented, I knew right away they were perfect for you. She had told me that particular rose is only given to someone when the giver is very much in love with the recipient. The white of the petals on the outside represented my loyalty to you, and the red in the middle when fully opened symbolised my heart. I figured this was one way of letting you know how much you mean to me, without scaring you away. I honestly did want to tell you on that day, but I knew it wasn’t the right time and held back.”