Tangled Chords

by Brenda Barrett

  "Dirty mind," Ruby whispered beside her.

  "Huh?" Farrah asked guiltily.

  "Pastor Kelpman's story." Ruby was looking at her oddly. "The guy in the story had a dirty mind."

  "Oh yes." Farrah nodded in relief.

  *****

  "So, how is married life?"

  Farrah was sitting outside on the veranda of Ruby and Ian's house after church. The baby's blessing after the regular service had been surprisingly short and she was touched when Ruby had whispered to her that she had to come to the front too, because she was family. She had gone up and stood beside Xavier and the rest of his friends. She was sure that the church people had taken note of that and were wondering where she fit in. Tongues would be wagging soon, she was sure, but she didn't care.

  She tucked her hair behind her ears and looked at Aaron, who had come to join her on the veranda. Everyone else was in the living room milling around, including Xavier who, despite his reticence toward her, didn't seem like he wanted to leave her alone with any of his friends for long periods of time.

  "Married life? It's different," she said, smiling.

  "I could not come to the wedding," Aaron mused. "I was in a meeting with the managers or else I would have been there. I was quite surprised when I heard."

  "Why?" Farrah asked curiously. She had known Aaron for years. Their fathers were in the hotel business and even if they had not crossed paths much, every time she visited Alka at her home, she had seen Aaron.

  Alka had a large poster of him blown up and placed directly in front of her bed; a photo of her and Aaron replaced that poster. Farrah only needed to say Aaron Lee and Alka would go into a fit of giggles, but the year before her family sent her to India to live with her husband, the mention of Aaron's name had caused Alka to cry.

  Alka used to bemoan how a relationship between Aaron and her would never work. For Alka it was family duty over love. The relationship was made complicated by the fact that she was Hindu and Aaron was Christian.

  Farrah looked at Aaron now and tuned into what he was saying.

  "I was surprised because I remembered how badly you hurt Xavier before," Aaron said, looking at her unflinchingly. "Don't hurt him again, Farrah. Don't even think about it."

  Farrah frowned. "Did he tell everybody about that?"

  "No," Aaron shook his head, "just his closest friends. He was distraught at the time."

  "His closest friends? That would make it," she counted on her fingers, "five of you. Is there nothing sacred in this circle of yours?"

  Aaron grinned.

  "No." Ruby came on the veranda at the same time and answered. "They are as tight as thieves, I tell you."

  She was holding Amber and she rocked her. "Don't worry, they keep the secrets within their circle and I am very grateful for that, because recently I was the recipient of a tell-all by my dear husband Ian to his friends."

  Ian followed Ruby on the veranda and sighed. "Are you ever going to let me forget that very dark period in our lives?"

  "Of course," Ruby said. "I told you that the dramatic beginnings of this baby will be forgotten when we have another one."

  Ian took the baby from Ruby and sat in a chair beside Farrah. "I feel pressured."

  Farrah laughed. "What was the dramatic event? Surely it couldn't be that bad. You guys seem so solid and happy."

  Ian laughed. "We… er, had a little misunderstanding."

  "Little?" Ruby snorted. "It was a great misunderstanding that almost cost us our marriage."

  "That is why communication is so important," Logan said as the rest of the friends trickled onto the veranda.

  "Do not hide anything from your spouse." He smiled at his wife Melody. "Isn't that so, darling?"

  Melody nodded jerkily but she gave Farrah a fleeting look that made her think that all was not one hundred percent on the communication front with them, either.

  Farrah studied them as they found chairs on the picturesque veranda and chatted. They included her in their banter and at times she found herself laughing with them, and then the conversation turned to their childhood.

  "How did you all meet?" she asked curiously.

  "Church," Carson volunteered. He was sitting down, with Alice half-lying on one side of him and Mia on the other. "We were not all friends, though we went to the same church. I think we were about seven when we became tight."

  "I was nine," Xavier grinned, "the oldest of the bunch."

  Aaron groaned. "Do I have to hear this story again?"

  Everybody chuckled.

  "Yes," Ruby said sweetly, "because Farrah hasn't heard it yet."

  "It all began one day in Sabbath School," Carson continued, "Aaron kept waving his hand around and shouting at Xavier and asking if Xavier could see him, and of course I got on the defensive. I had a quick temper then and I was tired of people picking on my brother. So in the middle of a Bible story in Sabbath School, I tackled Aaron to the ground."

  "And I jumped in," Ian said eagerly.

  "We all jumped in," Jayce corrected.

  "Luckily for me, the pastor rescued me." Aaron shook his head. "I was a brat, though. I shouldn't have teased Xavier. He had enough of that at school. Sorry again, Xavier."

  Xavier laughed. "Are you going to tell me sorry every time the story is brought up?"

  Aaron nodded. "Every time until I feel absolved."

  "What you did was nothing compared to what I went through otherwise. I was abused at school daily." Xavier sighed. "Children can be so insensitive it's not funny. It was a pain to be different. They called me nerd, freakazoid, ziggy eyes, geek, and yet I could barely read because the numbers kept running over the page. I was far from being a nerd."

  "Remember that evening when you came home with your fingers broken? I had never in all my life felt so angry." Carson shook his head. "And Xavier picked up the guitar and started playing with his broken fingers. It was a Bob Marley song. What was it again?"

  "I'm Hurting Inside," Logan and Jayce said at the same time.

  "He sang that song after Farrah rejected him. Remember Logan, we had to go pick him up from Rose Hall that night. When we dropped him off and asked if he wanted to talk, he ignored us but grabbed his guitar and sang that song over and over and over..."

  Ruby shook her head. "Jayce!"

  "Oh sorry," Jayce said, subsiding in his chair. "I am sorry; I have diarrhea of the mouth." He gave Farrah an apologetic glance.

  Farrah gasped. She had never imagined that Xavier had gone through so much. She had not realized how much her selfish teenage gesture had hurt him.

  "But just look at him now," Ruby said fondly. "The nerd duckling is now a swan. A gorgeous swan who can just crook his finger and the ladies come running."

  Alice chuckled and they moved on to another topic but Farrah could not move on for the life of her.

  Once again she was reminded just how devastated Xavier must have felt when she had denied him in front of her friends. She could now understand why it was so easy for him to maintain his defenses against her.

  Chapter Fourteen

  "I am sorry," Farrah said quietly when they drove up to their dark house. She had forgotten that they had not had electricity for a few days now. Tonight she wished that they had electricity; at least she could see Xavier's face when they spoke.

  He turned off the car light and turned on a flashlight. "I told you already, Farrah, that all of that is in the past."

  He opened her door and stepped away before they could touch.

  "Don't you like me anymore, Xavier?" she asked in a small voice. His obvious avoidance of them touching was getting a little annoying and it made Farrah feel as if something was wrong with her. Obviously, he had not forgiven her for what she had done.

  "Come on," Xavier said, heading to the house.

  "You are not going to answer, are you?" Farrah walked behind him rapidly.

  "No, I am not into self torture." Xavier opened the front door and turned on a gas lamp. They had been usin
g the gas lamp for the last few days and the oil was running low.

  Xavier lit two candles and put them on the table. "Are you going to shower first or should I?"

  "I'll go." Farrah grimaced. She was yet to get used to the cold water but she didn't complain. There wasn't much she could do about it anyway. She had been an exemplary housemate to Xavier. There were so many things that she could complain about but she didn't; so many things that were missing here that she was used to, but she bore what was for her a bit of substandard living because she was close to Xavier.

  She showered quickly, refusing to think about her rainmaker shower at home that cycled different colors when she bathed and had the perfect water temperature programmed just to her liking. She left the less than spacious bathroom with her hair wet.

  Her teeth were chattering sporadically, her body shivering though she was in a voluminous robe. When she walked out into the living room she encountered Xavier, who was lounging in the sofa.

  She could see in the flickering half-light that he wasn't even looking at her. He didn't like her, he hadn't forgiven her and she was living like this for nothing. She had come up with the ridiculous marriage idea to be close to Xavier, she finally admitted to herself. She wanted the Xavier who had declared his love for her years ago, but that guy was gone. Camping out with this new Xavier should be fun but not even the flickering half-light from the candles, which should be romantic, was doing her any favors.

  She was practically non-existent to him. She suddenly missed home. Maybe she should get that annulment after all and then marry Jason. It was better to be ignored by a man who she had no feelings for, and expected nothing from, than a man who she actually loved and wanted to love her back.

  The realization slammed into her and she almost staggered to the sofa, falling into its soft folds, feeling weak. She had been skirting this very issue for years now and she had never really faced it. She had loved Xavier from as far back as when she was seventeen.

  She looked across at him and he got up. He looked mad, as if he was considering something particularly distasteful. Farrah closed her eyes and remembered...

  June 2000

  Farrah, Darla, Kate and Alka were lounging by the poolside in her back yard. The day was fairly warm and so they were doing what any other rich girl would do who was done with high school and had no plans to travel until July. Farrah's hands itched to check her phone. She had been texting Xavier all day and she knew it was his lunchtime at work. He should be able to text her back now. Darla and Kate were talking about who they wanted to net. Alka had her headphones in her ear and was ignoring them. She only hung out with them because they hung out with Farrah.

  "John Silverman," Darla said excitedly. "Would you have sex with him?"

  Farrah grunted, "No."

  "Kerron Coke."

  "Hell no," Farrah said lightly, and then a text came in. Xavier had written her back. Her chest constricted into a painful squeeze. She loved when he wrote her and she loved talking to him on the phone. She rapidly texted him back and impatiently waited for him to respond.

  "I can't believe it," Kate said in wonder. "You are in love with the monster?"

  "Which monster?" Farrah looked up from her phone impatiently.

  "That guy. The one with the crooked teeth, crooked eyes, and crooked skin. There is nothing right about him."

  Darla shivered dramatically, "Eww. Can you imagine kissing him?"

  Yes, she could. Farrah realized she had spent all of last year imagining just that. There had always been something about Xavier that had her curious about him. These days when he came near she felt breathless, her breasts felt heavier and she felt flushed. Her hormones did not care how he looked but her girlfriends were making her feel really bad about liking him.

  "Shut up," she said to Kate and Darla weakly. She couldn't explain what she felt for Xavier; she just knew that she didn't feel that way about any of the others. Kate grabbed the phone from her. "Hear this! Farrah says, 'when can I see you,' and Monsty says, 'I have a thing at work. Will call you later.'"

  Darla laughed so hard she almost dropped out of her chair. "Farrah is dating a monster."

  "Not only a monster. Isn't his mother the housekeeper here?" Kate said, her nose upturned. "I would rather die than date an older poor guy with crossed eyes. If my parents found out that I even so much as looked at my housekeeper's son, my father would go drown himself at sea and my mother would expire at one of her lunches. She would just melt in horror."

  Farrah grabbed her phone from Kate and turned over on her stomach. "Xavier is my friend. You are just jealous because you don't have anybody like him in your life."

  "Yeah, right," Kate snorted. "I am sooo jealous of your ugly guy."

  "If my mother found out I was friends with a guy of the lower classes she would die too," Darla said seriously. "I don't get why your parents even allow you to talk to him."

  "My parents don't care who I talk to," Farrah retorted. "And why should they? Xavier and I are just friends. I don't think of him that way."

  Alka was pretending that she wasn't hearing the conversation but she threw Farrah a disapproving look.

  Farrah closed her eyes to avoid the look. She did think about Xavier. She did so too often. She had a mammoth-sized crush.

  Kate changed the subject. "Are you coming to Stacy's party tonight? Tony Farillo will be there. I think I want to give him my virginity. I think today should be the day I discover what all the fuss is about."

  "No, not coming," Farrah said. "I have to..." her voice trailed off, wait until Xavier gets in from work. She couldn't say it but her friends were looking at her knowingly.

  "Okay I'll come," she said to stave off the teasing that she knew was sure to follow.

  "Good. I am going to set you up with Sven. He is handsome—not a crooked tooth in sight—and when he looks at you, you know exactly where he is looking." She laughed at her own joke and Kate joined her. "He is going to do law at university," she said when she sobered up.

  Alka got up. "Hey girls, I am going to take off."

  Farrah got up as well. "Be back soon." She glared at Darla and Kate and followed Alka inside the beach house.

  "They are terrible girls," Alka said when they were out of earshot of Kate and Darla. "I like the fact that you are not as superficial as they are. I think it is lovely that you still keep your friendship with Xavier."

  She headed for her clothes and was on the verge of putting them on when Farrah said, "But I like him. I can't explain it. I don't even know why."

  Alka chuckled. "Good."

  "Not good." Farrah said. "Can you in a million years see both of us working?"

  *****

  Farrah jumped out of her reverie when Xavier sank in the sofa beside her. He smelled like his shower gel—a fresh spicy scent. He was in a white t-shirt and one of his tracksuit bottoms.

  "What would you be doing on Saturday night?" he asked in the ensuing silence.

  "Hang out at a party with Darla or Kate."

  "Mmmh. I would be at my computer trying to work out some code or other."

  Farrah chuckled. "Nerd!"

  "Party girl," Xavier retorted.

  "I have a party next week," Farrah said. "Ruby and Cynth are allowing me to plan your band's charity event on my own."

  "Cool." Xavier smiled. "I never expected that you had it in you to actually go and get yourself a job and to take it so seriously."

  "I do have it in me," Farrah said. "I am going to prove to all of you that I am no wimp."

  "Okay," Xavier said and then took her hand and kissed her knuckles.

  Farrah inhaled sharply.

  "To answer your earlier question," Xavier whispered, "I do like you."

  Farrah moved closer to him. "You do?"

  "Can't stand it that I do," Xavier whispered. "I wish I could just turn it off like the lightning storm did to the lights."

  Farrah whispered, "Why?'

  "Because I know that you will find livi
ng here with me a burden after a while and then you'll be gone; you'll be back to being Farrah Knight, the rich girl with everything, and I will be left here. It will be another version of what happened eight years ago."

  Farrah opened her mouth to protest but she had thought of going back tonight but not because of any physical deprivations; only because she was not sure of how Xavier felt.

  "Even though you may not have material wealth, you are richer than I am. You have your family and your friends in your corner."

  "And if you stayed with me, would that be enough for you?" Xavier asked. "Would you really enjoy living with me in this cottage for the rest of your life, going to church with me, and getting used to my nomadic job situation? Could you do it: going without money, worrying about bills? And what if we had children--would you be content to see them growing up without certain privileges? And your friends—can you do without them? Because I am sure you would not ask one of your high-flying friends to come visit you here."

  Farrah pulled her hand from his. Where he had touched her was tingling. "Are you asking me to do it, or are you just making a point and judging me?"

  "I am trying to make a point," Xavier said. "I really want you sexually. God knows I appreciate the cold water because just the scent of you has me hard, but I am not going to give in to my base desires and complicate your future and mine. An annulment is much quicker and easier than a divorce, don't you think?"

  Farrah ran her fingers through her half-wet hair and massaged her scalp slowly. "So you are saying you are only attracted to me sexually?"

  Xavier sighed and didn't answer.

  "Because if you were offering more, I might stay."

  "You gave up Jason Cavendish, somebody of your own background, you are on the rebound and you have no idea what you are saying right now," Xavier said earnestly. "Besides, you are playing some weird power game with your father. I don't want to be caught in the middle of it. I am going outside for some air."