Because It's Not Love

by Kitty Parker

  I saw him shook his head as he turned back to his desk and started to clean up the papers. "No, I'm kind of…"

  I smirked at him while I sat myself on his bed. "Kind of what?"

  He shrugged. "Embarrassed, I guess."

  Even though his back was facing me I could still imagine him blushing as he was admitting this to me now. I chuckled. "He'll be proud of you, you know? He'd be all 'oh wow, my son is following my steps to be a doctor. I'm so proud of you, son. I can't wait to tell about this to my colleges.'" I said with my voice low so I could sound like a dude.

  Nick scoffed at me. "Dad doesn't sound like that at all."

  I shrugged. "But you know that he's going to say that."

  He only smiled in agreement as he stood up and walked over to me. He lied down on his bed and stared at the ceiling with his eyes closed. After a moment of silence I decided to ask him something I never thought I would ask him. Wait, should I ask him? He might give me a solution for me…or he might laugh at me.

  Well then, you never know if you never try right?

  I fumbled with his pillow as I felt myself getting embarrassed. "Hey can I ask you something?" He merely nodded. I took a deep breath and continued, "How do you know if a guy is serious about you?"

  Nick opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow at me. "Serious? As in…?"

  "Well, romance." I answered and looked away.

  Nick laughed. Yes, he actually laughed at my attempt to find a solution for this weird relationship I have put myself into. He looked at me with amusement. "Why so sudden? You never ask me about your love life."

  Love life my ass! I have no love life. But I do have a life of this weird feeling that I have never felt before towards a man that I find a total jerk.

  I took out a bar of chocolate from my pocket and unwrapped it while I shrugged my shoulders to act nonchalant. "Just curious is all."

  I couldn't actually say that I was asking this because my brother was close with Carson. Could you imagine me saying 'oh yeah brother, you're pretty close with Carson so yeah, you must know how he goes with girls right?'?

  Nick smirked at me while I took a bite of my chocolate. "No seriously, there has to be something."

  How could he know me so well?

  "Well you're a guy, who else should I ask to?"

  Wow, that had to be the best lie I could ever think of for my brother. Most of the times I couldn't tell a lie to my brother, like the time when he mentioned about Carson sleeping with some chick and I told him that I didn't care. Ugh, just thinking about it made my head hurt.

  "Maggie?" I could sense pure amusement from his voice.

  I shook my head and tried to clear my thoughts. Nick grabbed my chocolate and began eating it while I lay my body beside him. "I'm just curious."

  "Are you sure it's not because of you're going out with a guy?"

  I didn't dare to look at Nick. "Well…if I say we're 'going out' then that would be wrong. If I say nothing is going on…then…"

  "It'd be wrong?"

  Ugh! Me and my big mouth. Why did I have to say that?

  I took the chocolate on his hand and took a bite of it. Why was I bothering to ask him this? Oh yeah, because you want to know more about Carson. Wait, why did I even want to know more about that guy?

  Oh…because you're now finding yourself falling deeply for him.

  Fucking hell…

  "Maggie? Do you want my opinion or not?"

  I nodded my head slowly as I chewed the sweet chocolate in my mouth. I saw Nick shuffling beside me before he turned to me.

  "Well, in a guy's mind there are three perspectives towards a girl. No wait, four I guess. The first one is about how a guy looks at you and sees you nothing more than a friend. He respects you, but he doesn't feel anything. Not even sexual attraction.

  "Then there's the second one. It's all about sex. He sees you and all he can think about is sex, nothing else. Usually this type of guy is a player. And a player is about getting girls easy so he should be very good-looking, charming and funny."

  I glanced at him and saw him grinning at me sheepishly. "Talking about yourself, are we?" I rolled my eyes.

  Nick laughed and continued. "The third one is the 'love' type. He sees you and all he thinks is how the world would be if you're not beside him. This type is pretty cheesy and sappy, all he could think is you and you and you and probably…you."

  "What's the last one?"

  "Well, this one is the toughest one. It's the I-want-her-in-my-life-but-don't-want-any-commitment. These types of guys are usually selfish. He may like you very much, wants to spend every time with you, thinking how hot you are and how it'd be great to be your guy. He wants you, but doesn't want to be in a relationship. How selfish is that right?

  "Well, that's what he thinks deep down. Usually, he doesn't even have the guts to say how he actually feels. He may even actually never realize how he feels towards you because he's…well, a pussy. He's too scared of commitment, never liked the thought of it. And yet, he doesn't like seeing you with another guy. This type reminds me of Carson actually."

  Then I felt a string of pain tugging my heart…why oh why? I decided to stay quiet (ignoring the Carson part) while my brother grabbed the chocolate out of my hand again. He looked at me with a funny expression. I sighed and sat up straight. He just hit the very sensitive spot right there. I couldn't believe this. Somehow, I felt as if I was shot down with an arrow. Why couldn't I just forget everything that was happening to me? Why did I have to like the guy anyway? He would never, ever want a relationship with me.

  Maybe I shouldn't have asked Nick about this…he just made my mood so much worse.

  I stood up and walked over to Nick's door. I think it was time to turn my brain off for real. Too many thoughts running through my mind made me tired and not to mention it was quite aching my heart. As I was about to open the door, my brother called me and I turned around with a frown on my face. "What?"

  "I haven't answered your question you know."

  My frown deepened as I stared at him confusingly. "What do you mean?"

  "Well, I just told you the perspectives of a guy's mind towards a girl. Do you want to know how if he's serious with you or not?"

  "How?" I waited for him to continue. Even though it was really impossible, I was kind of hopping that Carson could be, I don't know, somewhat…kind of…serious about me…maybe?

  "If he's serious about you…then he'd be the first one to contact you."

  I frowned at him. "What is that supposed to mean?"

  "It's for me to say and for you to figure out." He said with a smug smile.

  I gave him a suspicious look before I sauntered back to my room. I shut down the lights of the room before falling down on my bed. Somehow it felt nice to be alone in the dark. Peace and quiet.

  My mind drifted back to what Nick had just told me. What the hell did my brother mean by that? Was that supposed to help me? I shook my head and turned off the lights on my bed stand and snuggled myself inside my covers. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, waiting for sleep to drift me off. I waited for a while…but my mind still didn't want to stop thinking about much stuff. I finally sighed and opened my eyes to watch the moon from my window.

  The house was so quiet except the sound of my breathing that echoed my room. People like to sleep with some music…I like to sleep in peace and quiet. I don't know, I guess quietness just made me feel calmer.

  I heard the door to my room being opened and saw my mom popping her head inside. "Are you asleep, honey?"

  I chuckled and shook my head, hopping that she could see me in the dark. I sat up straight and turned the lights on my night stand. "I can't sleep." I admitted with a wry smile.

  Mom opened the door widely with her back and walked inside my room towards me. That was when I saw a plate of chocolate cake on her hand with two spoons on her other hand. She sat next to me on my bed and gave me a grin. "Me neither."

  I rolled my eyes at her but grinne
d sheepishly as I took a spoon from her. "You're making me fat, you know that?"

  "Nonsense! In fact, I think you need to fatten yourself up."

  I looked at her with a blank face. Was she kidding? My body was not a body of a model…but it wasn't that fat. There was fat here and there and I kind of wanted it to go away by playing more tennis. Having my mom bringing my favorite kind of cake in the middle of the night was not on my list.

  I took a spoonful of the cake and savored the taste in my mouth. It tasted so, so good. A small moan went outside my mouth as I found myself closing my mouth and mom chuckled at me while she took a spoonful too.

  I finally opened my eyes and looked at mom. "Where were you when I arrived? I looked for you all around the house."

  "I was in the bathroom, you didn't check in there?"

  My mouth formed into a small 'o' as I stared at her. I popped another spoonful of the cake again in my mouth. "Didn't think of it." I managed to mumble out with my mouth full.

  Silence came next again while mom and I ate the cake quietly. She gave me curios glances but I didn't dare to meet her eyes because then she would know if something was up. Moms tend to have the ability to do that.

  "Is something wrong?"

  I blushed at her sudden question and tried my best to avoid any eye contact from her. "N-no. Why do you ask?"

  I saw her shrug from the corner of my eyes. "You're so quiet…and you're avoiding seeing my eyes. Come on, tell me what's wrong."

  "I'm fine, mom." I answered too quickly for my liking.

  "I didn't ask if you were fine, I asked you to tell me what's in your head right now. You obviously have something in your mind."

  "I don't!"

  "Maggie, you're a very bad liar."

  I sighed and finally looked at my mom. "Yeah, I know."

  She grinned at me smugly as she chewed on her cake. "So what took you so long to buy sugar?"

  I didn't know if my cheeks could handle more heat, all I knew was that they were heating, very hot. My face must look like a tomato. "Uh, traffic." I said lamely and looked away.

  Mom, of course, gave me smirk. "The convenience store is like ten minutes away."

  "Yes well, the traffic was very jammed."

  "Are you sure it wasn't because of…I don't know, a boy?"

  I groaned and lay back down on my bed with a soft thud. I heard mom laughing at me as she grabbed my hand and pulled me back to sit up. When I was now sitting again I opened my eyes and mom grinned at me hugely. "So who's the boy?"

  "Who said anything about a boy?"

  Mom rolled her eyes. "Come on, who's the boy?"

  I gritted my teeth and crossed my arms stubbornly. "There is no boy, mother."

  "Don't lie to me, sweetie. You better tell me now or we'll do this the hard way."

  I rolled my eyes. "Fine. I'm just going to say this once mom, once."

  Mom nodded eagerly and scooted closer toward me. I took a deep breath because I was sure I needed to calm myself. "Well let's just say that there is…a boy—"

  "I knew it!"

  "Don't interrupt," I gave my mom a look and she nodded while she closed her mouth tightly gesturing that she locked her lips and threw the invisible key away. I rolled my eyes but nonetheless continued. "We both…were attracted to one another and things…well; things went on after a pretty rough night of…alcohol." I cringed a little and glanced at mom in case she didn't approve anything about me having alcohol. But she just smiled at me and motioned be to go on.

  "It's pretty immature for us to act like that, its pretty cliché if I say so myself. The next few days I found myself with him even more…short story, now I find myself falling deeper towards him and it doesn't help that he's a stupid jackass. He's an arrogant jerk that only thinks about himself!" I let out a bitter laugh and looked away. "And the worst part is that whatever feelings I have for him he will never feel the same way towards me. He will never commit himself into a relationship. I'm just a foolish girl that thought everything would go out just fine without me liking him. Huh, it turns out I was wrong all along."

  I clearly left out things because telling your mother about sex experience…is just inappropriate. Talking about me drinking alcohol was just plain awkward. Though I have to admit telling this to somebody was such a relief. Even my best friend didn't know about this.

  I groaned and buried my head in my palms. "Does this make me stupid, mom?"

  I felt her wrapping her arms around me and I placed my head on her shoulder. "Of course not honey, it only makes you human. It's normal for somebody to like a person even though it wasn't their plan."

  "But it's him! I should never talk to him in the first place."

  "I know you won't ever tell me who he is, whoever this guy is…is stupid enough not to like you. Trust me; he's the one that's stupid."

  "But mom…it's not that simple. What do I do now? I kind of feel used…" I looked up to see mom smiling at me. She stroked my hair softly and gave me an assuring smile.

  "Whatever you guys did that made you feel 'used'…don't ever think that way. I might not be an expert about these kinds of things…but I once too was a teenager. I knew how it felt to like somebody and that guy didn't see me the way I saw him. It pretty much sucks doesn't it?"

  I scoffed. "Tell me about it."

  "All I'm saying is that don't think too low of yourself. Whatever you did, even if it's wrong, think of it as a lesson to learn okay? That you won't do the wrong thing you just did. And if you're asking what you should do now…well just go with the flow. Don't show him that you're sulking because of him. Show him who has the upper arm, keep your pride with you okay? Promise me that."

  I stayed silent and stared at thin air. I sighed at what mom just said and looked back at her. "Do I look like I'm sulking?"

  "Very much." Mom grinned at me and picked up a spoon to continue eating the cake.

  I rolled my eyes and we both went silent once again. It was probably midnight and I was having a serious talk with my mother. How…weird is that? I picked up my own spoon and started to lick the chocolate off of it.

  "Is he the same guy that took your virginity?"

  My eyes snapped at her and I felt my cheeks burning hotly. "Mom!"

  "I was just asking, jeez, no need to be mad like that." She winked at me before she laughed and stood up, grabbing the plate of cake and placing it on my night stand. "I'm just going to put it here since you love chocolate and all. It better be finished in the morning."

  "Yes, ma'am."

  She smiled at me before she pecked a kiss on my head. "This was a nice talk. I'm glad you told me this even though you're not willing to tell me who he is."

  I stopped myself from rolling my eyes and just gave her a smile because honestly I was kind of glad to tell this to her as well. "Me too, mom."

  Mom finally left my room as she closed the door behind her with a soft click. I sighed and stared around my room in the darkness where the light only came from my night stand. I placed my spoon on the plate and decided that I'd finish it tomorrow morning. I was about to turn off my lights on the night stand when something caught my attention.

  I glanced to my left and saw my cell phone lying there, blinking a red light signaling that I had received a new message. Why didn't I see this earlier? I leaned down and grabbed my cell to see the message and frowned at the unknown number. I quickly opened it and nearly jumped out of my bed at how shocking it was to read it.

  Sorry. Carson.

  I stared at the screen for minutes to decide whether or not I should reply it. I kept on repeating the one word he sent and made sure that it was really him. Who knew, it could be anyone's number pretending to be him. But who would do that right? It wasn't like anyone knew what was going on between Carson and I…unless he told somebody.

  I shook my head, he wouldn't do that right? Well I hope so. I mean, we had fight only hours ago. Who would know by now? I decided to deal with it when I meet him at school. By then I would have the g
uts to actually speak to him right in front of his eyes…I hope so.

  I shoved my phone away and quickly turned off the lights on my night stand. I closed my eyes and was about to drift off when my eyes opened again in a quick motion.

  How the hell did he know my number?

  I don't remember giving him it…why did he even text me? And I thought Carson never apologized to anyone? Maybe he did feel guilty by using me so easily. Why would he contact me—

  Wait.

  "If he's serious about you…then he'd be the first one to contact you."

  My brother's words kept ringing in my head.

  "If he's serious about you…then he'd be the first one to contact you."

  …was it because of that?

  "If he's serious about you…then he'd be the first one to contact you."

  Whatever it was, I was going to deal with it on Monday. Even though I wasn't sure if it really meant what I really wanted it to mean, I finally fell asleep with a smile on my lips.

  The Game

  I was sitting on my usual table with Lisa at lunch time when all of a sudden the cafeteria went silent. I looked up to see what was going on and saw him walking casually toward his table with an air of arrogance around him. His lips was curled up into a small smirk as his eyes scanned around the room. I made sure that I didn't make any contact with him so I quickly looked down on my tray of food.

  "I see lover boy over there making an entrance." I heard Lisa drawl beside me.

  I took a bite of my pepperoni pizza before I slammed the piece on my plate. "He pretty much likes attention. One grand entrance will probably never do for him."

  Lisa frowned at me as she glanced from me to Carson, then from him to me. There was practically a big question mark on her head. "Is something going on between you two? You both are...oh I don't know, avoiding each other eyes maybe?"

  I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear as I glued my eyes on my pizza in front of me. "Oh yeah? I, um, hadn't really notice."

  "Oh my god there is something going on between you two!"

  "No there's not!" I snapped rather quickly. I then groaned at the obvious look my best friend was giving me. "So okay, a little thing happened the other day-"