The Antenatal Group

by Amy Bratley

  He turned to a surprised-looking Rebecca and kissed her on the top of the head. At the same moment, Erin came back into the room, looking even paler than usual, the darkness around her eyes more pronounced. She smiled a small, distracted smile at nobody in particular and sat back down in her seat, pulling her fluffy grey cardigan closer to her body. Edward put his hand on her forearm for a moment, but she discreetly shook him off. Rebecca wondered if she was feeling ill or was in pain – there was something going on, but Erin didn’t look as if she wanted to talk about it.

  ‘I’ll see you later,’ Lenny said. ‘Sorry, girls, got to shoot.’

  He pulled his jacket from the back of the chair and swung it on to his shoulders so energetically the contents of his pockets flew on to the floor. As well as his empty-as-usual wallet, something gold and tiny spun through the air, almost in slow motion, glinting in the sun. It landed on the floorboards in the middle of the room, bounced with a pinging sound – once, twice and three times – before spinning on the spot, rolling towards a wide crack between the floorboards and disappearing. Rebecca gasped. Was that a ring?

  ‘Shit!’ Lenny said, falling to the floor and scrambling to catch it before it slipped into the crack. ‘No!’

  Rebecca stood up and kneeled down beside him. ‘Lenny,’ she said, ‘was that a ring?’

  He ran his hands through his hair, his face like thunder.

  ‘Sixty quid that cost!’ he sad. ‘I’m going to have to get that out of there.’

  ‘What was it for?’ asked Rebecca quietly. By now, Katy and Alan had joined them on the floor, trying to look through the cracks in the floorboards. Rebecca’s face was burning.

  ‘You!’ he said. ‘I was going to ask you to marry me tonight, babe! Now I’ve lost the ring!’

  Rebecca was stunned into silence. She started to laugh. ‘Really?’ she said. ‘Lenny, was this the surprise?’

  ‘Yes!’ he said. ‘Now the surprise is under the floorboards. What am I going to do?’

  The other women were making excited noises and beaming at Rebecca and Lenny.

  ‘So,’ said Lexi. ‘What’s your answer, Rebecca?’

  ‘I didn’t think you wanted to get married,’ Rebecca said. ‘What’s changed your mind?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Lenny ‘I just want to do the right thing for once. I don’t have any money, I’m a bit of an arse, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for that and that I love you.’

  ‘Ahh,’ everyone said. Mel started to clap. While this was going on, Alan had found a coat-hanger, slowly lifted the ring out of the crack and passed it to Lenny. It was a small ring with a red stone on it.

  ‘Might as well do this properly,’ said Lenny, going down on one knee in the middle of the crescent of chairs. ‘Will you marry me?’

  Rebecca cracked up. Everyone started clapping, Lenny was in his element. Then he checked his watch, stood up again and brushed off his jeans. He kissed Rebecca on the lips then left the room before she had a chance to reply.

  ‘He didn’t even wait for me to say yes!’ she said, half laughing, leaning back in her seat and trying on the ring, which fitted perfectly.

  ‘How sweet,’ said Ginny. ‘Congratulations, Rebecca! Okay, so when everyone’s ready, we’re moving on to birth positions. If you’d like to look at the illustrations on the handout I gave you—’

  Rebecca smiled absent-mindedly while Ginny talked through the different ways to give birth, demonstrating squatting, leaning against a wall and being on all fours with the ease of a true professional who didn’t care what her bottom looked like. After another hour had passed, Ginny wound up the session, reminding the group that, next time, she had invited a new mum to demonstrate breastfeeding to the group.

  ‘Shall we go for a cup of tea?’ said Lexi afterwards. ‘To celebrate Lenny’s proposal?’

  ‘I’ve got to get back to work,’ said Katy.

  ‘Oh, go on,’ said Alan. ‘You need to get to know each other. Just take fifteen minutes, hey, angel?’

  ‘I’ll have a very quick one,’ said Katy. ‘Shall we go?’

  ‘Christ!’ said Lexi. ‘Let me pick my bag up.’

  Rebecca, grinning, invited Erin. ‘Do you have time to come for a tea?’ she asked. Erin shook her head.

  ‘Erin?’ said Edward. ‘I can walk around Brighton for a while if you’d like to go?’

  ‘No, Edward,’ she snapped. ‘Thank you, girls, but I have something to do. Congratulations, though, Rebecca.’

  ‘Okay then, I think we can go now?’ said Katy, checking her watch.

  Rebecca smiled kindly, but Erin’s smile was cursory. Rebecca sensed that Erin didn’t like her and wondered if she’d said or done anything to offend her. Maybe she found Lenny annoying; he couldn’t be more different to Edward. She wanted to ask what was wrong and why she was acting so strangely, but Erin had left the room. She exchanged a look with Mel.

  ‘Don’t mind her,’ said Lexi softly. ‘I think she has stuff going on. Let’s go before Katy hyperventilates.’

  Chapter Ten

  The Metrodeco tea salon, a Thirties Parisian-style café, was buzzing. When Mel, Lexi, Rebecca and Katy arrived outside and looked in through the window, two different people leapt out of their seats to open the door for them. Walking inside, Mel breathed in the delicious fragrance of the twenty or more teas on the menu. Before pregnancy, she’d been a coffee guzzler, but now, tea was her thing. Finding a table tucked into the corner of the space by an enormous mirror that reflected the bright blue sky and an old-fashioned street lamp that stood in the centre of the salon, the women lowered themselves into the seats, their bumps flush with the table’s edges.

  ‘Here we are,’ said Lexi cheerfully, ‘the pregnant brigade.’

  The sun shone through the tall windows and filled the room with an apricot light. Teaspoons tinkled against saucers and Mel felt a sudden lift in her mood. Leo might have walked out, but she had joy in her heart about what she, Katy, Lexi and Rebecca – all such different women – were about to experience. Ever present was an ache for Leo, but she was relieved that, if only fleetingly, her excitement about her pregnancy had returned. Whatever Leo was doing or feeling, she was ultimately responsible for bringing a new life into the world, and she would take up the challenge with all her energy. If her mum could be a parent on her own, she could do it, too.

  ‘Apparently, there’s art deco furniture for sale upstairs,’ said Katy, reading the back of the menu. ‘Epstein, Eames and Wegner. Right, shall we order?’

  At that moment, the door opened and a woman carrying a baby – probably about six months old – in a sling entered. The woman, with black hair twisted up on her head and completely clear skin, looked radiant. Mel glanced at Lexi, Katy and Rebecca. All of them were fixated on the baby, beaming unselfconsciously at the woman, their hands resting on their bumps.

  ‘Your baby is gorgeous,’ said Rebecca to her. ‘How is it, being a mum?’

  The woman sighed and widened her eyes. ‘I haven’t had a night’s sleep in seven months,’ she said, her eyes welling up. ‘I’m exhausted! Nobody told me I’d feel like this! My house is a heap, my career’s over, there’s baby sick all over my clothes, my friends think I’m boring and my marriage is a mess.’

  The women’s eyes couldn’t be any wider. Their smiles diminished.

  ‘But, listen, don’t let me put you off,’ said the woman hurriedly. ‘It’s really worth it. I’ve fallen in love all over again. With my baby. Not my husband. He’s a pain in the arse – ha!’

  They all laughed nervously, then Mel tried to comprehend what it must be like not to sleep for seven months. She loved sleeping. And, as quickly as the optimism about motherhood had arrived, it disappeared. The energy drained out of her. She didn’t want to do it alone. She wanted to be with Leo. How would she cope alone with months of interrupted sleep? What if Leo didn’t want anything to do with the baby? What if being apart, as they had been for a week now, was a permanent arrangement? Mel gulped,
telling herself not to think about it. Picking up the menu, she scanned the teas on offer and ordered a Graham Greene & Chocolate tea and a pastry.

  ‘There’s probably a tea we can drink if we go overdue,’ Lexi said. ‘What’s that tea Ginny mentioned that’s supposed to soften up the cervix?’

  ‘Raspberry-leaf tea,’ said Katy. ‘I’ve got a box already. So,’ she continued, turning to Rebecca, ‘how do you feel about the proposal?’

  ‘It was very spontaneous,’ said Lexi. ‘He’s definitely a showman. Did you know Lenny was planning that?’

  Rebecca shook her head. She held her ring finger and stared, confused, at the shiny gold band and red stone as if it belonged to someone else entirely.

  ‘Not at all,’ she said. ‘I didn’t think Lenny would ever propose. To be honest, it makes me slightly suspicious of his motives.’

  The waitress brought over their order and laid it out on the table.

  ‘Ha! I know what you mean,’ Lexi said. ‘Girl after my own heart.’

  ‘Oh, Rebecca,’ said Katy, pulling a disappointed expression. ‘You shouldn’t be so cynical. Not all men are bad. Lenny clearly loves you and wants to do the right thing by you and the baby. I think that’s honourable.’

  ‘Yes, I know what you mean,’ said Rebecca. ‘It just doesn’t sit well with what I know of Lenny. He’s always been against marriage, and we’re both kind of relaxed about the whole thing. It was a surprise. I’m just shocked.’

  Mel, pulling her knitting from her tote bag, started working on the baby cardigan she had started. Katy sighed and looked out the window.

  ‘Better than doing it all on your own,’ said Mel. ‘Which is what it’s looking like for me.’

  ‘Oh, Mel,’ Rebecca said. ‘I was wondering about Leo. Have you found out what’s wrong with him?’

  Mel shook her head. Since he’d left, they’d spoken only once, when Leo rang to ask how she was and how the baby was. They’d agreed to give each other complete space for a few days. Now, Mel was secretly waiting for him to take the initiative and get in touch. She didn’t want to grovel.

  ‘I just hope he comes back,’ she said. ‘I can’t face being a single mum.’

  ‘I’m sure he will,’ said Rebecca. ‘You know how weird men can be.’

  ‘You should speak to Lexi about being a single mum, shouldn’t she, Lexi?’ said Katy, nodding towards Lexi. ‘You seem pretty cool about it.’

  ‘I didn’t realize,’ said Mel. ‘Are you single?’

  Lexi nodded. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I’m having a baby by donor sperm.’

  Mel’s eyes widened. She instantly felt full of admiration for Lexi and felt guilty for bemoaning her luck with Leo.

  ‘Really?’ Mel asked. ‘Wow. That’s brave. What made you decide to do that?’

  Brave. People were always telling Lexi she was brave for buying donor sperm. She didn’t really feel brave. Battle-worn – yes, that was more like it. After seeing her doctor and being told the waiting list for donor sperm on the NHS was years long, she decided to go private. Her initial Internet research almost put her off the whole idea. First up was a whole load of unregulated websites where women were seeking free sperm from unregulated, unscreened donors. Just one look at the kind of responses those women were getting from prospective donors (would you like a cuddle, too? I’m up for it if you are) made Lexi feel sick. Then there were online forums where sperm donors were competing over how many kids they’d conceived. None of them could even spell! Yikes. One woman she’d found in a chat room had bought unregulated sperm from an online donor which had arrived in the post in a leaking plastic bottle. Grotesque. Pity the poor postman.

  ‘That’s what you get if you go budget,’ her friend Catherine said. ‘You’ll have to go first class.’

  Lexi had tried the UK first, but, apart from the waiting list, it didn’t seem as straightforward as if she looked abroad. Because of changes in the law, British sperm donors had lost the right to anonymity so, some people suggested, there were fewer men donating sperm, making it more expensive and less available. Catherine said she knew a woman who had been to Denmark to be inseminated, where donors still had anonymity and lots of fit twenty-somethings donated sperm, and so Lexi found a well-respected Danish sperm bank that shipped donor sperm to more than sixty-five countries, including the UK, which held detailed records of all its donors so she could choose the best sperm for her (‘You don’t want any old wanker’s sperm,’ said Catherine).

  ‘I turned thirty-five,’ explained Lexi to the women. ‘I wanted a baby but was short of the XY chromosomes necessary. In other words, I wasn’t in a relationship. I’ve never had any luck with men, but I started dating, insanely I joined every dating website there is: Gorgeous Get-togethers, Match, Love Me, Single and Sad. Ha!’

  ‘Bet that last one didn’t have too many subscribers,’ said Rebecca.

  ‘You’d be surprised,’ said Lexi. ‘I once read a quote by Anita Roddick saying, if she could find a cure for loneliness, she’d be the richest woman on earth. Anyway, it was a fruitless search. I got to the point where I thought, if I want a baby, I’m going to have to sort it out myself. I gave it a lot of thought and, to cut a long story short, I ended up buying sperm from Denmark, where there’s a booming industry, because they’re a lot more open-minded about the whole thing. A lot of British women are going there, apparently.’

  There was a hush around the table and Lexi guessed they were probably feeling uncomfortable. She didn’t blame them. Ordering a baby online wasn’t very romantic. But neither was being denied your most important ambition in life.

  ‘Was it hard to choose a donor?’ asked Mel. ‘Did you have a choice?’

  Lexi thought of the catalogue of donors she’d scrolled through, with Catherine sitting on one side, a glass of wine on the other. It had felt far less demoralizing than standing on the edge of a nightclub dance floor waiting for some bloke to offer her Sex on the Beach.

  ‘It’s an odd thing, buying sperm online,’ she said, aware that the couple on the next table had stopped speaking to listen in. ‘You choose from various donors – hair colour, eye colour, etc. – who are happy to be identified. The guy I used did this video of himself, naming all his hobbies, interests and beliefs, so that was good. Almost like going on a date!’

  Mel and Rebecca smiled. Katy frowned.

  ‘I’m joking,’ said Lexi.

  ‘What about the practicality of having a baby on your own?’ Mel asked. ‘Do you feel daunted by that?’

  Lexi thought about her life to date. She’d pretty much done the entire thing on her own, give or take a few helping hands. Her dad had worked in the military and was away, almost always. Lexi had imagined he was a hero, but her mum had set her straight; the bastard had deserted the forces and them for his other wife and daughter in Weymouth. But who could blame him? Her mum was eternally depressed and alternated between being dependent on uppers and dependent on downers. Lexi became good at looking after herself.

  Her mobile began buzzing on the table, jerking her into the present. It was her mother calling from Spain.

  ‘Excuse me for a minute,’ she said to the group. She pressed her phone to her ear. ‘Hi, Mum. I can’t really talk. Can I call you back?’

  ‘No,’ her mother drawled. ‘I need to speak to someone. You’re the only one I’ve got left.’

  She started crying. Lexi’s shoulders drooped. Resigned, she looked down at her lap while the others talked. ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked. Her mother sniffed.

  ‘You’re what’s wrong,’ she said. ‘Everyone I know thinks it’s awful that you’ve bought your baby on the Web. Imagine how it makes me feel to think you can’t get a man. Is it because you’ve put on weight? Couldn’t you just have gone jogging?’

  Lexi closed her eyes and counted to three.

  ‘No, Mum,’ she said firmly. ‘It’s not because of my weight. It’s because I can’t find anyone I want to spend my life with, and I’m running out of time. I work all hours
and I don’t want to spend the next few years trying to find a mate just so I can have a baby. If you don’t like telling your friends, then don’t. I’d rather you didn’t go blurting it out to everyone.’

  ‘Why?’ said her mother. ‘Are you ashamed? Because I am, Lexi. You’re making me feel worse about life than I already do. And what about the poor child? How the heck is she going to feel when she finds out you paid for her with a credit card?’

  Lexi channelled the baby in her womb. Don’t listen, she told it. Don’t listen to her. I’m nothing like her, I promise you. I love you.

  ‘No, I’m not ashamed,’ said Lexi wearily. ‘I’m proud of what I’m doing and I’d shout that from the rooftops, too.’

  She didn’t mean that literally; she just wanted to shock her mother into silence.

  ‘Good grief, you never cease to amaze me,’ she said, and hung up before Lexi had the chance.

  Her throat burning with an acid taste, her temples throbbing, Lexi sighed and placed the phone in the top of her bag. Rubbing the bottom of her bump, she exhaled, deflated.

  ‘Are you all right?’ asked Rebecca, concerned. ‘It sounded like you were getting an earful.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Lexi sighed. ‘Just my mother calling to give me a hard time. She’s not a very happy person. She doesn’t approve of what I’m doing. She’s never been a big fan of mine.’

  As soon as she said it, she wished she hadn’t. This was way too much information. Why was she giving away such secrets to women she hardly knew?

  ‘Oh no,’ said Mel, resting her hand on Lexi’s forearm. ‘That’s awful. Well, we’re all big fans. We think you’re great.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Lexi. Anyway, forget that. Where was I?’

  ‘We were just asking if you were daunted by the prospect of being a single mum?’ reminded Mel. ‘But probably you don’t feel like talking about that now.’

  Lexi flicked her eyes up to the ceiling. She hadn’t felt daunted ten minutes ago, but now, after speaking to her mother, her mood was low.