The Antenatal Group

by Amy Bratley

  ‘Oh, I don’t know, not really,’ she said. ‘If there are big decisions to make about the baby, I suppose I will miss the chance to talk to someone, but, ultimately, no. Most of my friends have children, so I can talk to them.’

  ‘And will you still look for a relationship with a man in the future?’ Mel asked, pausing in her knitting. ‘Because I think Leo is free.’

  Everyone laughed.

  ‘I’m not actively looking,’ said Lexi. ‘But if I meet someone in the future then that will be a bonus.’

  Katy screwed up her nose. ‘But have you thought about whether you’d have a baby with him, if you did meet someone?’ she asked. ‘I’m a person who likes to plan everything out, as you may have noticed. I detest uncertainty.’

  Lexi reined in her irritation at Katy’s words. She hadn’t been the only person to ask such a personal question. For some reason, people seemed to think they had the right to pry.

  ‘I’ve no idea what I’ll do until it happens,’ said Lexi, suddenly feeling exhausted. ‘I probably wouldn’t have a baby with him, as I only want one child. How about you, Katy? Are you planning on a brood? I can’t really see you in an apron with scores of children hanging off your snake hips.’

  Katy gave her a rueful grin. ‘Just one for me,’ she replied. ‘I want to get back to work quite quickly. Luckily, Alan wants to help out. But he’s like that. Very thoughtful and attentive. I’m very fortunate to have him, I realize that. He’s always putting my needs and interests first.’

  How bloody marvellous for you, thought Lexi. I’ve just told you I can’t find a man and my mum’s a bitch, but all’s well in your world. Whoop de do! Angry at Katy’s smugness, she opened her mouth before she could stop herself.

  ‘Yes,’ said Lexi. ‘I thought Alan was quite a catch when we first met. You did well for yourself there. I’m sure there was plenty of competition.’

  Katy gave her a quizzical look. Lexi’s face turned pink. What was she playing at? She looked away. Picking up on the tension, everyone fell silent.

  ‘So,’ said Rebecca finally, ‘what do you think of Erin? I don’t think she likes me and Lenny.’

  ‘She’s strange,’ said Katy, quickly. ‘But I think there’s something going on with her. Edward hardly says a word, does he? Still, he said they’ve wanted the baby for a long time. Maybe they’ve been trying for years. I fell pregnant the first time we tried, but I can imagine it’s awful to have to wait.’

  ‘You were very lucky then weren’t you?’ said Lexi, feeling like throwing her cup of tea at Katy.

  ‘So,’ said Katy, fixing Lexi with a stare, ‘how are you going to get through the labour on your own? Do you have a birth partner in mind? It must be difficult without a partner sometimes.’

  Lexi’s scalp prickled. Katy knew exactly what buttons to press to wind Lexi up, yet she pretended she was completely innocent.

  ‘Not really,’ said Lexi. ‘You can’t pretend that relationships are going to work out when you have a baby even if you do have a partner. It’s a decision, as a woman, you have to make knowing that you could cope on your own.’

  Katy’s face darkened. ‘That’s so cynical!’ she said. ‘That’s not how I look at it at all. This baby is mine and Alan’s. It’s a shared experience. As long as you communicate with one another, you’re fine. We’ve always been completely honest with each other about everything.’

  Lexi pursed her lips, but her inner devil stuck out his horrible forked tongue before she could stop herself. ‘Everything?’ she echoed, before putting her hand over her mouth. She just wanted to score a point against smug Katy. Lexi was sick of people like Katy thinking that they were superior to her. She was sick of her mum. She was sick of Alan.

  ‘Yes,’ said Katy. ‘Everything.’

  ‘He must have told you about me then?’ Lexi asked, her eyebrows raised. ‘About when we met? I didn’t know if he would. I hope you’re cool with it?’

  ‘What do you mean by that?’ Katy said quietly.

  ‘Oh, just some fun we once had,’ said Lexi, her shoulders sinking.

  Mel poured everyone more tea. Lexi immediately felt guilty and exhaled loudly. Petty and pointless, that’s what she was being. Not so unlike her mother.

  ‘Sorry,’ Lexi said. ‘That was uncalled for. I shouldn’t have said that.’

  Katy, sipping her tea, was now silently fuming. Everyone fell silent.

  ‘Lexi,’ said Katy, rallying a little, ‘Alan had many meaningless flings with women before meeting me. He is not a schoolboy, hence his decision not to tell me about your “fun”. Please, let’s keep the past where it belongs, shall we?’ She gave Lexi a short, sharp smile then turned her attention to Rebecca.

  ‘Anyway,’ said Rebecca, ‘do you think you’ll all come to my wedding? I’ll probably have a humanist ceremony on the beach in the summer. When I’ve got my figure back. It’s all going to be very budget.’

  ‘Yes, of course!’ Mel said. ‘I can design your invites if you like.’

  ‘That’d be amazing,’ said Rebecca. ‘I’ve got to save on everything I can. I’ll give you a pregnancy massage in return if you like.’

  ‘Ooh, yes,’ said Mel. ‘Leo rubbed my feet, so with him gone—’

  ‘I’ll step in and help out,’ Rebecca said. ‘Until he comes home.’

  Mel smiled gratefully.

  ‘That applies to all of you,’ said Rebecca. ‘If you need a massage, just call me.’

  ‘Sounds lovely, Rebecca,’ said Lexi, sheepish now. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I might be able to look out a cheap location for you,’ said Katy to Rebecca, now completely recovered. ‘If it’s a last-minute thing, some places on our books, like town houses and their gardens in Brighton, can go for a bargain.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Rebecca. ‘That’s amazing! Thank you all. I’m really looking forward to it now! My parents won’t be pleased, though.’

  ‘Why’s that?’ Lexi asked, relieved at the change in topic. Her heart was beating too fast in her chest. Katy was now blanking her, unsurprisingly, and had just been really sweet to offer her help to Rebecca. Lexi felt like a mean bitch. She wanted to go home.

  ‘They won’t approve of Lenny,’ Rebecca said. ‘They’re pretty conservative people.’

  ‘What about the baby?’ Katy said. ‘They must be happy about the baby. Everyone’s always happy about a baby.’

  Rebecca’s eyes dropped to her teacup. She sighed. Lexi could tell she was struggling. ‘They don’t know about the baby,’ she mumbled. ‘I haven’t told them yet.’

  Chapter Eleven

  Erin hardly spoke as they walked towards the centre of Brighton. She knew it wasn’t fair to take her irrational feelings of anger out on Edward, but if it wasn’t him who bore the brunt, how would she vent her emotions? Throw a brick through a shop window? Slash a tyre with a knife? Unjust persecution of one’s husband was much more acceptable. If only he’d leave her alone, then she could be angry on her own, but he wouldn’t, would he? He’d never leave her alone. Edward had taken to walking beside Erin with outstretched arms at the ready, as if she were a toddler running mindlessly towards the edge of a cliff.

  ‘I think we should buy some Babygros,’ Edward blurted out, grabbing Erin’s elbow. ‘It’s four weeks until the baby is born. We have nothing.’

  Erin filled with molten rage. She couldn’t even see, she felt so mad. She didn’t want to buy anything to do with babies. Nothing. Ever since discovering she was pregnant, she hadn’t bought anything specifically for the baby, only a couple of maternity outfits ordered online with minimum fuss. She hadn’t dared even to look inside the boutiques in Brighton’s Lanes, refused hand-me-downs and gifts. Now Edward was being all cavalier about buying baby clothes, as if nothing had ever happened.

  ‘We agreed that we wouldn’t buy anything until a few days before the C-section,’ she stated coldly.

  ‘I don’t care what we agreed,’ said Edward in a stern voice. ‘I want to buy some Babygros. This is my
baby, too. Where’s that really nice baby-clothes shop we saw?’

  They stood on North Road and Erin’s gaze landed on Mamissima, a baby boutique that sold gorgeous baby items you’d find on the pages of Elle or Vogue. Edward followed her eye-line and began walking towards the shop.

  ‘Are you coming?’ he asked, turning back briefly. ‘Or not?’

  Erin shook her head but didn’t say a word. Edward was never this bold with her. How dare he go against her wishes? What was he thinking of, marching into the shop as if everything were perfectly normal? Erin stared on helplessly as Edward elbowed a pregnant woman out of the way so he could get past. What must the sales assistant think? She tried not to watch him through the glass shop window as he furiously picked up some Babygros from a rail and held them up in the air to inspect, but once she’d seen the brightly coloured, tiny outfits, she was drawn into the shop as if spellbound. Once inside, welcomed by smiling salespeople, she felt as if she’d entered a warm, comforting dream.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she said to Edward, her voice quivering as her eyes darted over the rails of baby clothes and shelves of toys. Edward, calm now, but with tears in his eyes, smiled warmly.

  ‘I like this one,’ he said, choking on his words. He held out a chocolate-brown sleepsuit. ‘I’m going to get it. Erin, tell me you like it. The baby can wear it to come home from hospital.’

  He picked up a white cashmere blanket. ‘We should get this too,’ he said, brushing it against his face. ‘It’s so soft, it’ll be perfect to wrap the baby in to carry it to the car. Erin?’

  Edward was shaking slightly, his eyes alight. Erin’s heart melted. She was reminded of when they first met. He had been desperately keen to impress her, offering to take her to restaurants and bars in Norwich, and even – and this had been the clincher – learning how to tango. Despite being so stiff emotionally and socially, he was a natural dancer, elegant and smooth. Now, clutching the baby items, he was looking at her with all the hope in the world. Fearing she might cry, Erin nodded.

  ‘Yes,’ she said softly. ‘They’re perfect.’

  She said nothing while she watched Edward choose another two sleepsuits, then pay. Her heart was aching too much to speak. When they left the shop, she felt the baby kicking hard inside, giving a stamp of approval.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘Edward, I’m sorry. I should have gone for coffee. I shouldn’t have been so mad.’

  Edward wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. They stood there, for a moment, blocking the pavement, while Erin felt hope course through her veins and fill her with a giddying sense of joy.

  Chapter Twelve

  What a bitch, thought Katy as she walked back towards her office after tea. Why would Lexi throw that in her face? She must be incredibly insecure to want to try and score a point so pathetically. Katy decided never to mention it to Alan. What did it matter that he had had a ‘fling’ with Lexi years ago? He had dated many women in the past, and that’s where those women stayed – in the past. He never mentioned any of them. He certainly hadn’t talked about Lexi. But then he probably felt embarrassed. She wasn’t exactly his type was she? Fat and loud with bright yellow hair? What a disaster area. And now she was having a child on her own; wasn’t she, ultimately, a sad, lonely woman? No wonder Alan hadn’t mentioned her.

  ‘Hi,’ she said, pressing the buzzer on the office door. ‘It’s Katy.’

  The receptionist buzzed her in, and she walked past the vase of flowers on the reception desk and up the few stairs to her office, glancing at their recent clients popping up on a screen mounted on the wall. They had hundreds of properties on their books now, and repeat custom from some high-profile companies. She smiled at the familiar sense of pride it gave her to think that she and Anita had done this all themselves. Opening the door to her office, she gasped when she saw Anita sitting behind her computer.

  ‘Good evening, Katy,’ Anita said, her blonde, dead-straight hair gleaming like a sheet of velvet in the sunlight, her bright red lips contrasting against it.

  ‘Come off it, I haven’t been that long,’ Katy sighed, putting down her bag. ‘What are you doing in here?’

  Anita didn’t look up, but continued to tap at the keyboard with one finger. She couldn’t touch-type, claiming never to have learned, since she had no intention of being someone’s secretary. That little anecdote had impressed Katy when they first became colleagues, but now it just seemed to add to Anita’s bitchy persona.

  ‘Working,’ she said. ‘Someone has to sort out the Boots party before they walk away and refuse us their business. They need a location for their summer party and, since you’re the one supposedly working on their account, I’m pretending to be you and doing your job. Telling their director that you’re at antenatal class just won’t wash, you know? And, by the way, Katy, I looked in your online history, and babycentre kept turning up and – what’s the other one – mumsnet? Come on! Don’t go all soft on me just because you’re pregnant.’

  Katy’s mouth fell open. She felt wrong-footed on every level. Desperately wanting to justify herself on every single handful of mud Anita had thrown in her face, she found herself stammering hopelessly in reply. Anita took a moment to look up from the keyboard and gave her a patronizing smile.

  ‘Don’t get in a dither. I just don’t want you to take your eye off the ball, darling,’ she said. ‘You know how Jake is snapping at your heels now he knows you’ll be taking all that maternity leave.’

  ‘All that maternity leave?’ Katy said, gathering herself. ‘I’m taking three months, and in that time I’ll be checking my emails and available for meetings. Most women are on maternity leave when they’re this pregnant. I’m hardly taking my eye off the ball!’

  Anita, standing now, gave Katy a disbelieving look.

  ‘I don’t have kids,’ said Anita, ‘because I’ve seen what it does to women. You think you’ll be coming to meetings a week after the baby is born? You won’t. I wouldn’t bother even trying to be involved for those three months. Have the baby, do what you need to do, then get yourself good childcare. That way, you can put your all into the business and we won’t have to promote anyone else.’

  Anita moved across the room, towards the door. Katy kept her lips shut tight, but she felt furious. Sitting in her office chair and moving around to make herself more comfortable, she picked up the phone and dialled Alan’s number, deciding she would bloody well ask him about Lexi. She had a right to know if they had history. A tension headache tightened her forehead, but she didn’t want to take painkillers, especially not after Lexi’s little dig. Alan picked up immediately.

  ‘Hey,’ said Alan. ‘How did your coffee go?’

  Katy detected something in his voice. Hesitancy. She narrowed her eyes. It had to be Lexi. She opened her mouth to speak, but stopped herself just in time. She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed. Maybe she did need to stop working so hard before the birth. Maybe Alan and her midwife were right. But, no. She straightened up. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t give Anita the satisfaction. She wanted to be the woman who did it all.

  ‘Katy?’ Alan asked. ‘I went to the chemist, and I got Calpol, baby monitors, burp cloths, baby scissors, a breast pump and a digital thermometer. I think our baby boy’s medicine cabinet is all set.’

  ‘Good,’ Katy said, swallowing hard. ‘That’s great.’ From out of nowhere, she felt the heat of tears coming into her throat and eyes. She had never, ever cried at work. Astonished by her own emotions, she took a deep breath, suddenly feeling more vulnerable than at any other point in her life. She said a hurried goodbye to Alan and put her palms flat on the desk, taking deep, regular breaths. She waited for the feeling of panic to pass. When it had, she wiped her eyes, had a sip of water and got on with the list of jobs before her.

  On the other side of town, Mel was in a meeting with her boss and a colleague who would be taking on her workload when she went on maternity leave. They were talking about the branding of a new organic br
eakfast cereal which Mel was supposed to design before she left.

  ‘The managing director wants to get the message across that the cereal is from farm to fork,’ said her boss. ‘Or farm to spoon, in this case. Have a look at what the competitors are doing, then do something completely different. You’ve got free rein on this, Mel, so you can finish up here with a really exciting project. Retailers they’re aiming for include Selfridges Food Hall, Waitrose and Fresh & Wild. We need to see some ideas by tomorrow afternoon, so if you can sketch out a few today we can review them in the morning—’

  Mel wasn’t really listening. She was thinking about Leo. She was missing him badly and desperately wanted to talk to him. Having been to two antenatal classes without him, the reality of having the baby alone was hitting home. This made her sad. She wanted Leo to come home and for everything to go back to normal.

  ‘Thanks, Mel,’ her boss finished up. ‘We’re going to miss you.’

  Her boss and colleague were standing up, ready to leave the room. She managed to smile.

  ‘I’ll be back,’ she said. ‘So don’t even think about replacing me.’

  She followed and returned to her desk, ate a couple of crackers and made herself concentrate. Sketching a few rough ideas on a piece of paper, envisaging a psychedelic Fillmore West style, before she knew it she was gazing out of the window at the clouds speeding over Brighton. Her office was high up and she had a view of rooftops, a view she loved. She sighed and chewed on her pencil. Opening her email, she checked her inbox to see if Leo had contacted her.

  ‘Nothing,’ Mel said, when his name didn’t pop up. ‘Not a thing.’

  It was bizarre not getting emails from Leo. On a normal day, they’d email one another several times. Just banter, or a link to a gig Leo wanted to buy tickets for, or a satirical article from The Onion or a YouTube clip. Low-level contact, but contact all the same. They’d talk, too. Every lunchtime they’d speak to one another on the phone, deciding what to do that evening after work, whether to meet friends for drinks, or see a film, or walk by the sea. But since last week, there had been nothing. Neither of them were on Facebook or Twitter, so she couldn’t check up on him that way, and she still hadn’t told their friends what had happened. It was all a mystery. Finding babycentre.co.uk in her history, Mel logged on. She checked her boss was out of sight and typed a new subject into the discussion forum. My boyfriend has left me and I’m nearly 8 months pregnant! What shall I do?