What to Read After FSOG: The Gemstone Collection (WTRAFSOG Book 3)

by Lauren Hawkeye

  I stared at my phone, trying to fight tears, my knuckles white around the annoying piece of crap and it stopped. Three missed calls from Dee and one from Will. It started ringing again and I pressed the ignore button and turned it off.

  I knew I should be screaming at someone or bawling my eyes out or something, but I just stared blankly at the dark water passing below me and wondered why. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I always pick the wrong guy? Why, why, why?

  I sighed, the effort seeming to burn through my tight throat and I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to go home and curl up underneath the blankets and forget I ever came out in the first place. I may have been alone before, but at least I didn’t feel like this.

  I let my walls down only to have my heart broken again and this time it might be irreparable. How could I come back from this? Even as I thought it, I knew there was no coming back. Not this time.

  This time, I’d truly been in love.

  Chapter Thirty

  Will

  The tension between Zoe and I had just lifted when I saw Mish across the bar. I stopped suddenly, anger welling inside me.

  “I’ll be back in a minute,” I said, my eyes fixing on Mish. I knew exactly what she was doing here and I wasn’t going to give her a clear shot at Zoe.

  When she saw me walking towards her, she smiled. “Will.”

  “I thought I told you to stay away, Mish.”

  She laughed. “Oh, you know me, I never do what I’m told.”

  I pulled her aside, trying to keep her hidden.

  “I’ll do whatever you want, Will,” she crooned, stepping into me. “Remember how good it was? You and I?” She bit her lip, running her hands up and down my arms.

  I shook with annoyance. “Stop it, Mish.”

  “Remember the sex? Remember how I used to take you in my mouth backstage? Remember?”

  That was exactly the kind of thing a guy did remember. I closed my eyes, trying to think of a way to get rid of her. Abruptly, she pressed into me, her mouth on mine. For a split second my body had a mind of its own and I felt myself kissing her back.

  I pushed her away sharply, feeling disgusted. “What the fuck?”

  “I had to show you,” she said with a smirk and I knew she’d seen me with Zoe.

  “Fuck, Mish. It’s never going to happen. Get that through your head.”

  She smiled, running a hand down my arm. “I’ll see you again.”

  “Fuck off,” I hissed and walked off, leaving her in the corner by herself.

  I couldn’t believe the fucking gall of that woman. I hoped to god that Zoe hadn’t seen that. Looking through the crowd, I couldn’t see her at all. I turned around to look over at the bar, but I turned right into Dee’s fist. He hit me with such force, I almost fell flat on my back.

  “I warned you,” he spat as I clutched my face.

  “I deserved that,” I said wryly as Pete came up behind him, pushing him back.

  “Will, what the fuck are you doing?” Pete asked, just as pissed as Dee was.

  “She fucking pushed herself on me,” I hissed at them.

  “Well, what-fucking-ever,” Dee said sarcastically. “Zoe fucking saw, douche bag.”

  “What?” My heart stopped and I could have thrown up then and there.

  “She’s gone, mate,” Pete confirmed.

  “Fuck,” I cursed, fumbling for my phone.

  “Don’t,” Dee said thinly, taking his phone out and dialing Zoe’s number. “No answer.” He tried again, and when she didn’t answer again, he tried a third time. “Nothing.”

  I tried her then, and it rang out. I tried again and the call was cut off. “I think she’s turned it off.”

  Dee dialed again. “Voicemail.” He looked at me with such fury, I swear he was gunna thump me again. “If something happens to her because of you…”

  “Dee,” Pete cut in. “Arguing about it won’t help anyone. If you want, we’ll help you look for her. Just say the word and I’ll get the guys.”

  Dee glared at me, his jaw hard.

  “Dee?”

  “Yeah,” he said to Pete. “I know a few places where she might’ve gone. If I need your help, I’ll call. And you,” he looked back at me pointing an accusing finger at my chest, “stay the fuck away from her.”

  I’d fucked up. This was the mother load. And this time, I might lose Zoe for good. My face throbbed from Dee’s punch and my gut twisted painfully. It was a reality too hard to take.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Zoe

  I woke to someone hammering on my front door. It seemed way to early for that kind of enthusiasm. Rolling over, the clock said that it was 12 noon. The banging was still going on, so I shouted, “Fuck off!” and put a pillow over my head.

  “Zoe?” I recognized Dee’s voice, muffled through the material. “C’mon, open up. We’re worried sick about you. Zoe?” He was thumping again and the dog across the way started to bark.

  Crawling out of bed with an enraged growl, I pulled on my dressing gown and opened the front door.

  “Thank fuck,” he said, pushing inside and throwing his arms around me.

  “Get off me.” I shoved him away and walked back into the kitchen looking for something to take the edge off.

  “Zoe, Pete told me about…”

  I turned around and glared at him.

  “I tried calling you, but you turned your phone off.”

  “Duh.”

  “We’ve got the show tonight…”

  “Duh, again.” Before Dee opened his mouth again, I said, “I know all about it. It will be uncomfortable because I want to punch the fuckwit in the face. I have an obligation to do the show. I’ll be there. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Okay.”

  “Just keep him the fuck away from me.”

  “Zoe…”

  “I don’t want to hear it, Dee. Ever. I can’t do it again. I’m done. I’m so done.”

  He strode across the room and pulled me into his familiar arms and despite my pent up rage, I sunk into him.

  “Why does this always happen to me?” I asked, trying to fight back the tears I knew would come after Dee’s gone. “What did I do?”

  “You didn’t do anything,” he murmured. “You’re fuckin’ beautiful, you know that, Zoe? I wish I liked you that way then it would be a match made in heaven.”

  “In your dreams, buddy.”

  He laughed at my half-hearted attempt at a joke. “Can you imagine our kids? They would be GODS.” He pulled me down onto the couch and cradled me against his chest. “If it’s any consolation, I thumped him one.”

  “You punched him?”

  “No one hurts you while I’m around, Zo. No one.”

  Maybe it was childish for me to think it, but I hoped it hurt.

  “It’s just tonight,” he said, voice calm. “Then you never have to see him again if that’s what you want.”

  I nodded, the tears that I’d been trying to hold in since last night began to spill, staining Dee’s T-shirt.

  “It’s okay,” he said. “Let it out. Remember last time? Holding it in is bad.”

  I didn’t want to, but I remembered last time. I didn’t cry for weeks and when I did, it almost sent me over the edge. The kind of edge that you never come back from. A bottomless pit of nothingness.

  So, I cried and cried and Dee stayed with me until it was time to go face the music.

  I tried not to think about the gig as Dee and I got out of the taxi. Standing out front of the venue sent sharp stabbing pain through my heart and my hands shook.

  “You okay?” Dee asked. “You look paler than usual.”

  I took deep breath. “It’s just tonight.”

  “Just tonight.” He slid a hand into mine and led me down the side street to the stage door. Everyone was already there. Frank, Louie and Sticks were loitering side of stage. Dean, Chris and Simone were hanging out at the merch table setting things up. There was no sign of Pete and Will and I
was thankful, for now at least.

  Simone caught my eye and offered me a small smile and I nodded.

  Going backstage I found a quiet corner and leaned against the wall. I could tell myself that I was trying to be strong. Trying to be professional, but I wasn’t even fooling myself. I knew the moment I saw Will, I’d break and I’d either cry or fly into a blind rage.

  “Zoe,” a voice splintered through my thoughts.

  Spinning around with a scowl, I saw Pete behind me, his hands jammed into the pockets of his hoodie.

  “What?” I spat a little too forcibly.

  “Can we talk?”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Talking was the last thing I wanted to do right now. Right now, I wanted to hurt someone just like I had been.

  “Zoe, it’s important.”

  With an annoyed sigh, I led him back into a storage room, so we wouldn’t be interrupted. This wasn’t going to be pleasant and the last thing anyone needed was an audience.

  Slamming the door closed behind him, I sneered. “Talk.”

  “He’s sorry, you know.”

  “Yeah, well, so am I.”

  “Somehow I don’t think you mean it the same way.”

  “What gave me away?” I said, leaning back against a shelf.

  “Zoe, there’s something you have to understand,” he began carefully and I didn’t like where this was going already.

  “You told me that she was the one who got away. Is he in love with her?”

  “That’s not for me to say.”

  “Then why the hell are you even talking to me?” I cried. “Explain it to me, because right now, all you’re doing is sinking in the boot.”

  “You need to let him talk to you, Zoe.”

  “Was he with her this whole time?” I asked, thinly, holding back tears. When Pete frowned, but didn’t respond, I let all my anger out. “Was he with her this whole time? I swear to god, if you don’t answer me Pete…”

  “No, he wasn’t,” he said, holding a hand up to calm me. “That first gig he said he saw you at, things had only just ended with Mish. It was bad. It destroyed him.”

  “So, I was just a rebound? Is that what this was?” I felt bile in the back of my throat. The things I’d said to him. I felt sick. He’d said he didn’t know how to handle how he felt about me. Suddenly, I realized it must’ve been because he still had feelings for Mish. This whole time, had he been in love with someone else?

  “No, Zoe. They’re over. They were over before he even laid eyes on you. When he finally told me about you, I understood. He was getting better. Getting over it. Because of you.”

  “Somehow I don’t believe you. If that were true, he wouldn’t have kissed her back.” Pete’s expression fell and I knew what I’d just said was the truth. All those things he’d told me. That he didn’t want to hurt me, that he would do anything I asked of him… That I was his and he was mine. They were all lies.

  “I can’t make excuses for him,” he said quietly. “I don’t know why he did it, but I do know that you and him…”

  “Me and him, nothing.” It came out so full of hate and anger, that I even scared myself. “If a quick fuck on the side is what he wanted, then he fucking got it. I believed I was nothing for so long and he made me believe. He made me believe I was worth something. Now he has his fucking future back and I’m kicked to the fucking curb. Any faith I had in the human race was pitiful before, now it’s all fucking gone.”

  Pete grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him. “Calm down. It’s not like that at all.”

  “I can’t fucking calm down. Do you understand how I feel? I feel like a fraud. I’m the other woman. I’m nothing but something to be used. That’s how I feel. He didn’t hit me like…” I bit my lip to stop myself and took a deep breath, “but he may as well have.”

  “Someone hit you?” Pete’s eyes widened. “Zoe, I…”

  “Drop it, Pete.”

  He let go of my shoulders and took a step back, uncertainty etched into all of his features.

  “He needs to stay away from me.”

  But, Pete wasn’t done with me yet. “Look, I know Will better than anyone. We grew up together. We lived on the same street since we were six. This thing with him and you? It’s real, Zoe. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. You need to let him explain.”

  “I’m done with explanations.” I pushed the door open and stalked out, trying to hold myself together. He may have meant well, but all Pete had done was make it a billion times worse.

  Once upon a time, the man I’d loved betrayed me and destroyed my life. Now, it was happening again. I was so done. No one was ever getting in again.

  And just like that, the walls around my heart slammed closed.

  After the gig, I waited for the guys just inside the venue, well aware that The Stabs were still busy packing up. So far, Pete and Dee had stayed true to their word and kept Will away from me. It was a trend I wanted to continue until I didn’t have to see him anymore. The Devil’s Tattoo and The Stabs would never be on the same bill again if I had anything to do with it.

  Dee and Frank appeared beside me, looking like they were ready to go. Chris had left with Simone a while ago and at least something had worked out for someone.

  “Zoe?” Dee was looking at me, a frown creasing his brow.

  I looked at Frank and he shrugged, going outside.

  “Zoe?” Dee asked again and this time I looked him in the eye.

  “What?”

  “You love him, don’t you?”

  “Loved,” I almost choked on the word. I had loved him, but I couldn’t live with that kind of hurt again. “The emphasis being on the past tense.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Well, I believe me,” I said, shoving through the stage door. Conversation over.

  It was a short walk to the bar we’d agreed on going to. The last gig of the tour was over and this was meant to be a party to celebrate. Ninety nine percent of our shows had sold out, our merch was down to zero and album sales were up. We should be happy. The band was going crazy. But I couldn’t feel anything.

  Dee walked with me, his arm around my waist.

  “You don’t have to baby me,” I said, shrugging him off and jamming my hands into my pockets.

  “Zo.”

  “You should be celebrating with the others.”

  “I want you here,” he said. “You’re a part of this, too. And if that means I have to take care of you, then so be it.”

  We stood out front of Ding Dong Lounge, our bar of choice and he hugged me.

  “Zoe.”

  I stiffened at the sound of Will’s voice, pulling away sharply from Dee. I didn’t dare turn around, because if I did, I would have punched him right in the face and I needed my hand to play.

  “Leave her be, man,” Dee’s voice filtered through my simmering rage. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”

  “I need to explain.”

  I didn’t hear any more. I kept walking, disappearing inside the bar and leaving his empty words behind.

  I never got drunk. It wasn’t my thing, killing brain cells and wasting a day away on a hang over. But right now, it was all I wanted to do. So, I sat at the bar and ordered a triple scotch and coke and a bottle of cider. The scotch was gone in under a minute and the cider began to follow. All this anger was unnatural. It pooled in my gut like acid and I would’ve done anything to dull it.

  I’d been sitting there for at least ten minutes when someone stood next to me and it was the last person I was expecting. But, the more I thought about it, it was the one person that would’ve wanted to confront me. After all, I’d wanted to do the same thing, albeit for different reasons.

  Mish was standing there, her pretty face contorted in anger. She stood right in my personal space and I couldn’t have cared less. “Stay away from him,” she said like it was a threat. “Will is mine.”

  I stared at her, unblinking an
d without a trace of emotion, I said, “If you are so secure in your relationship, then why do you feel the need to come over here and bother me with your pathetic, empty threats?”

  Mish stared at me open mouthed and I knew I should’ve felt a little good about the fact I had her lost for words in under five seconds, but she was still standing all up in my face. So I stood, getting up in her face and continued, “If you don’t mind, you’re in my personal space and I would advise you to get the hell out of it.”

  She took a few steps backward, her eyes betraying her fear. As much as I wanted to hurt her, laying a finger on her would solve nothing. She wanted to hurt me too, but it was better to leave everything well enough alone. So, I just turned around and sat back on my stool and downed a mouthful of cider, staring into space. Some after party. Some fucking tour.

  “Zoe?” Chris was beside me. He’d witnessed my moment of moral triumph. “That was epic.”

  “Was it?” I shrugged.

  “Here’s to tellin’ crazy bitches what for.” He tapped my bottle with his and gave me a wink.

  Suddenly, I felt a little better.

  I looked up and saw Mish talking to Will, the expression on her face furious and she was pointing at me. He glanced over and caught my gaze and all I could do was sigh and look away. I didn’t have anything left inside of me that gave a crap. This just had to end. I couldn’t see him anymore. I couldn’t be within five feet of him. I had to get away if there was any chance of me coming back from this again.

  “I’ve gotta get out of here,” I declared suddenly and Chris gave me a look.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No. I just need some air.” I snatched my jacket from the bar and walked away, my breath tight in my chest.

  I couldn’t really hear over the music, but someone grabbed my arm as I moved through the room. I figured they were trying to call out to me, but I didn’t hear. When whoever it was pulled me around, I stiffened. Will was holding my arm, some unknown expression on his face, along with a dark bruise below his right eyebrow where Dee must have punched him. It burned where his fingers touched my bare skin and it hurt too much. My heart felt like someone just stabbed a piece of jagged glass right through it and I tore myself away.