Winter at West Sands Guest House

by Maggie Conway

  Although the break-in was bad news, in some ways Ben felt relieved, knowing it had galvanized him into action. Finally, he was going to face his old home.

  Chapter Twelve

  Eva was furiously chopping vegetables. She had no idea what she was making, but it was comforting having something simmering on the stove and keeping her hands busy was helping her cope with what was feeling like a very surreal day.

  After she had left Sarah sleeping earlier she had taken a quick shower and dressed. She’d let Hamish out for a sniff around the garden while she fed the chickens and then she returned to the kitchen to hide the evidence of breakfast for two. She had grabbed plates and cups, throwing them in the dishwasher and wiping away crumbs. All perfectly normal breakfast things but to Eva they somehow screamed of the intimacy she had shared with Ben.

  Part of her resented having to rush around tidying up just because Sarah had decided to show up after all this time. But what choice did she have? She certainly didn’t want Sarah knowing Ben had stayed the night – not yet anyway. She swiped onions and carrots from the chopping board into the pan, deciding to make soup. She was just adding celery when Sarah appeared at the kitchen door.

  Although she was still pale and puffy-eyed she appeared much more composed. Her features had settled back into their usual impassive expression and her lips were pursed together into such a tight line Eva wondered if she was now regretting her earlier outburst, perhaps regretting coming here at all.

  ‘I took a shower,’ she informed Eva. ‘I used those little bottle things you had.’ The little bottles in question being the locally sourced organic toiletries it had taken Eva an age to source and were actually quite expensive. Eva had no problem with her using the guest toiletries but wouldn’t mind her sounding a little more gracious about it.

  ‘That’s fine,’ she replied evenly, gripping the wooden spoon in her hand tightly.

  Sarah’s eyes scanned the room as she came in, pausing to look intently at the various photographs dotted about. Images of Jamie wearing his school uniform on his first day at school, another of Jamie and Fraser playing on the beach. Eva wondered what she was thinking.

  Seeing her sister in her kitchen Eva was struck by how different they appeared. Sarah’s clothes – impeccably cut dark blue trousers and a beautifully soft-looking cream jumper – appeared wrinkle free despite her lie-down and they reeked of unmistakable quality. Eva looked down at her own jeans and rubbed at a dark mysterious stain that could well be animal-related.

  ‘Feeling better now?’ Eva asked.

  ‘I’m fine,’ Sarah replied flatly.

  ‘I’ll make us some coffee,’ Eva said. As she busied herself finding cups Eva wondered where on earth to start, sure that anything she said would come out sounding wrong. Sarah was clearly feeling the injured party here and Eva couldn’t help feel sorry for her. But she also knew that if they were going to come anywhere close to having a reasonable conversation – something they had been incapable of recently – Sarah would have to play her part.

  She turned the heat down under the pot on the stove and joined Sarah at the table with coffee. ‘Does Mum know you’re here?’ she asked.

  Sarah shrugged. ‘I left a message on her answering machine to let her know I’d be here for the night.’

  ‘Oh, so you’re staying the night?’ Eva swallowed down her irritation at her sister’s presumption.

  ‘Is that a problem?’ Sarah eyed her coolly.

  ‘No, no. I have guests arriving on Monday though so I might have a few things to do.’ Sarah didn’t appear overly interested and Eva’s eyes darted to the clock above the door to check it was afternoon and therefore acceptable to have a drink. If Sarah was staying the night, then alcohol was called for.

  ‘Actually, how about a glass of wine?’ she suggested. Sarah nodded and Eva swapped the coffee cups for glasses and a bottle of white.

  ‘So, Mum and this man –’ Eva began.

  ‘George Cartwright.’

  ‘George Cartwright,’ Eva repeated. ‘Do you think it’s serious?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe. They certainly look happy together.’ She let out a little huff.

  ‘I understand what a shock it must have been,’ Eva responded gently. ‘To see Mum with a man after all this time. But if she’s happy, isn’t that a good thing?’

  Sarah blinked as if not understanding the question. ‘How can it be a good thing?’

  ‘Well, for Mum to have someone.’

  ‘But she has me!’ Sarah exclaimed petulantly.

  Eva fiddled with her bracelet, not sure what to say. She was struggling to see the problem. If their mother was in a relationship, then wasn’t it her business? She couldn’t really see the problem but clearly there was one to Sarah. But as Eva glanced sideways at Sarah, she saw genuine anguish on her face. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, Sarah had come to her in her moment of need. Could this be the chance for them to build a few bridges between them?

  Putting aside any uncharitable thoughts – mostly that Sarah was acting like a spoilt brat stamping her feet because Mum dared to have a life – Eva tried to adopt a gentle approach.

  ‘I know you’ve been there for Mum and have done so much for her and she appreciates that. But just because she has a relationship with a man doesn’t mean you won’t still be part of her life. It might not even be serious; it might not last. Maybe it’s just a … a fling?’ After all, why shouldn’t women in their sixties have flings?

  Sarah’s shoulders suddenly slumped as if all the life had been taken from her.

  ‘I don’t know. I suppose so. But where does it leave me?’ she asked, her voice full of self-pity. Eva was taken aback to hear her usually so confident sister sounding so vulnerable and quite frankly, a bit pathetic. Eva’s instinct was to reach out and put an arm around her but was afraid it wouldn’t be welcome.

  ‘Well, you have your career …’ Eva stopped, not sure what else to say. The gulf created by years of non-communication was blindingly obvious.

  ‘Oh yes, my wonderful career,’ Sarah spat out sarcastically.

  ‘But you love your work! You’re always so busy and … involved.’

  Eva blinked in surprise as her sister rounded on her. ‘You really don’t get it do you?’

  ‘No, I don’t think I do. So why don’t you tell me.’

  ‘Let me ask you something.’ Sarah looked at Eva, her eyes suddenly flaring with anger. ‘Why did you go away after Dad died?’

  Wow, she hadn’t seen that coming. It sounded like a question she’d been waiting to ask for a long time. Eva looked down and blinked, giving herself time before meeting Sarah’s direct gaze.

  ‘After Dad died, you moved back from Aberdeen and bought the house near Mum’s. You both seemed happy with that arrangement; you had each other.’ She shook her head, recalling how terrible that time was. While Sarah went shopping with their mother, Eva had preferred to stay at home with their dad. With the radio on and a flask of tea, they’d potter about in the shed – the one place Helen Devine didn’t rule or dominate – making things or planting seeds.

  ‘You were always closer to Mum than me but I didn’t have Dad any more. Mum seemed to have my life all mapped out – do you remember that horrible office where I was working?’ Eva could vividly recall the day Paul asked her to join him in France. It had been a rainy Monday, a week after their father’s funeral and Mr Sinclair had unceremoniously dumped a pile of filing on Eva’s desk.

  ‘When Paul said he could get me a job waitressing in France, I didn’t really think about you too much if I’m honest. I thought you were happy. You had Mum and your career. I just went,’ she finished with a shrug.

  ‘Yeah, well while you went off, I built my life around Mum.’

  ‘I thought that’s what you wanted.’

  Sarah lowered her head and examined her nails. ‘I thought you might have come back after Paul died,’ she said quietly.

  ‘What, so Mum could tell me ev
ery day what a mess I’d made of my life? Anyway, I had Jamie to think of. Buying the guest house was my way of getting on with my life. I needed to find a way to support myself and as Mum was so keen to point out, I didn’t have any qualifications.’ Eva topped up their glasses and regarded Sarah.

  ‘Do you know one of the reasons I was so determined to make the guest house work was because of you?’

  ‘Me?’ Now it was Sarah’s turn to look shocked.

  ‘Do you know how many times Mum compared me to you? How many times she made me feel inadequate because I didn’t have a glittering career? Always holding you up as the perfect daughter. I wanted her to see that I could make something of my life as well.’ There was a pause and Sarah stared down into her wine glass.

  ‘I – I had no idea you felt like that,’ she said eventually.

  ‘Look, I don’t mean to sound churlish. You have done well, Sarah. And it’s right that Mum is proud of you. It’s just … sometimes it was difficult for me. It felt as though all Mum did was – I don’t know, smother you with praise.’

  Eva heard Sarah exhale deeply. ‘You’re right.’

  ‘You’re agreeing with me?’

  ‘You don’t need to sound quite so shocked.’ Sarah leaned back in her seat, seeming to gather herself. ‘Do you remember that little silver necklace Mum gave me?’

  ‘The one with the heart on it? I loved that necklace. I was so jealous of you.’

  ‘Do you know why Mum got it for me?’

  Eva scrunched up her face, thinking. ‘I don’t remember.’

  ‘I was in first year at high school and I brought home my first report card. I’d done well in all my subjects and Mum was so pleased with me. She bought me that necklace for doing so well. The better I did, the happier she seemed with me. After that, I always felt pressure to do well. Through university, my job … everything I did, everything I do. I’m always scared if I don’t make Mum happy then somehow I’ve failed.’

  Eva had no idea Sarah had felt under so much pressure. She’d always assumed her sister had been happy with her career and their mother’s adulation. If Sarah’s face was anything to go by, then she was feeling as stunned as she was, thought Eva. After years of hardly speaking, there was a slightly uneasy silence as they both tried to compute the words now sitting between them.

  When Hamish trotted over to Eva making it clear he needed out, Eva could have kissed him for providing a diversion. She stood up quickly, almost knocking her chair backwards. ‘I better let Hamish out,’ she muttered.

  The sky had darkened and Sarah stared out of the window. Eva could just make out Hamish’s tail wagging in the garden as he checked the chickens and then found something to sniff by the fence that divided her garden from Ben’s. She wondered what Ben was doing and felt a glow of warmth spread through her just thinking of him.

  Once Hamish came bounding back in Eva thought it might be wise for them to eat something. She found some quiche in the fridge and turned up the heat under the soup. Leaning against the worktop, she glanced over at Sarah.

  ‘So the case you lost, was it an important one?’

  Sarah gave a rueful laugh. ‘They’re all important. But I didn’t expect to lose this one – I keep going over and over it in my mind. Was it my fault – was there something more I could have done?’

  ‘I think you’re being too hard on yourself. I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.’

  ‘It seems to get harder, you know? The constant deadlines, keeping up with the legislation … always being available for clients. Sometimes it feels like such an effort.’

  Eva ladled soup into bowls and brought them over to the table along with plates of oatcakes and cheese, thinking how odd it was to hear Sarah sounding so despondent.

  ‘Sounds to me like you might need a proper break from everything.’

  ‘That’s what Jon said,’ Sarah said quietly.

  ‘Jon?’

  Sarah swallowed hard as if she were on the verge of tears. ‘You don’t want to know,’ she said bitterly.

  ‘I do, Sarah. Please tell me.’

  Sarah absently stirred her spoon in her bowl. ‘Jon works for our firm’s Holland office. He came on a secondment for six months. We got to know each other quite well …’ She paused. ‘Anyway, he does quite a bit of pro-bono work –’

  ‘Pro-bono?’

  ‘Basically it’s doing free legal work for people who wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford it. While he was in Edinburgh he got involved in setting up a legal advice centre for residents in a homeless shelter – so they would be able to get legal assistance for things like welfare and family law. I helped him with some of the work.’

  ‘Sounds like a decent thing to do.’

  ‘Yeah, well he was a decent guy. Not like anyone I’ve ever met. He made me see things differently. See my life differently.’ She sat back in her seat, her expression changing. ‘Then his six months was up and he returned to Holland. Before he left, he asked me to go with him.’

  Eva’s eyes widened with surprise. ‘And?’

  ‘And nothing.’ She shrugged. ‘I told him I couldn’t go.’

  ‘Oh, Sarah, how long ago was this?’

  ‘A few weeks ago.’

  ‘Why did you say no?’ Eva asked gently.

  ‘I wouldn’t leave Mum on her own. I said no without even thinking about it.’

  Eva now understood why seeing Helen with someone must have been so difficult for her, after giving up the chance of her own relationship.

  ‘Would you like to see him again?’

  ‘I don’t know. I guess so. But I haven’t spoken to him since he left.’

  ‘Was he nice?’ Eva gave her a little smile.

  ‘Yeah, he was lovely.’

  ‘If Mum does have someone – a partner, boyfriend, or whatever – doesn’t that make it easier for you now? You could go to Holland if you wanted. I’d be here for Mum – you know that. I’m not right beside her but I don’t mind making the drive to see her; it’s not that long. Or she could come here, although I’ve given up asking.’

  Sarah didn’t answer immediately and then she shrugged helplessly. ‘I don’t know what to think or what I’m going to do now,’ she said with a sigh.

  Eva’s own thoughts tumbled about in her head as she struggled to process the last twenty-four hours. It looked like it was going to be a long night.

  ***

  The next morning Eva and Sarah strolled through the winter market, browsing stalls selling hand-made toys, jewellery, and candles. They warmed up with cups of hot chocolate and then made their way to the beach, Sarah having swapped her designer heels for a pair of Eva’s wellies before they left the house.

  The water was cold and choppy-looking and the sky overcast. Eva let Hamish off his lead and they watched him gallop to the water’s edge. Eva inhaled deeply, glad to be in the fresh air. Yesterday had been a long, strange day. Last night she and Sarah had talked some more although at times it felt as if they were treading carefully around each other, neither wanting to say the wrong thing.

  Discovering a forgotten bottle of wine in the kitchen and a Sandra Bullock film on TV had gone a long way to helping them pass the evening before tiredness had finally kicked in and they had headed to bed.

  But Eva had tossed and turned, going over the day’s events in her mind. She could hardly believe she had started the day waking next to Ben and when she finally fell asleep, it was with her head resting on the pillow where he had slept. When she’d woken this morning there was a text from him saying he’d had to fly to London unexpectedly.

  Eva had bit down a surge of disappointment. She didn’t know what she had hoped for after their night together but a short text message from the other end of the country felt a long way off it. She started a reply, trying to sound casual and flirty but worried it came over as needy and then gave up, not really knowing what she wanted to say or how to say it.

  She had woken Sarah this morning, grateful they seemed to have turned a co
rner in their relationship. Eva had seen glimpses of her old sister and realized they had both made mistakes. They had stopped communicating but now they were talking again, which was the most important thing. Eva knew it would take more than this weekend. They couldn’t wipe away all the hurt in one clean sweep but they had made a good start.

  ‘The bedroom was really comfortable,’ Sarah commented now as they continued along the beach.

  ‘Thanks,’ Eva replied.

  ‘You know, Mum is proud of you.’

  Eva gave a small huff. ‘You think?’

  ‘I’ve heard her telling her friends about your business.’

  ‘Really? I wonder why she can’t just say it to my face then.’

  ‘You know what she’s like: she’s always been a bit of a snob.’

  ‘Suppose.’ Eva sniggered, throwing a stick for Hamish, and they watched him sprint after it.

  ‘You always did want a dog,’ Sarah recalled. ‘You asked Mum over and over but there was no way she was ever going to get one.’

  Eva smiled at the memory. ‘I gave up asking eventually. Now I’m beginning to think Mum had the right idea.’

  ‘What made you get a dog now then?’

  ‘Jamie,’ Eva replied simply. ‘During summer we can’t go on holiday because of the business and most of his friends have brothers or sisters, so I suppose I thought it would be good for him – a companion of sorts.’

  Sarah regarded her, a frown appearing on her smooth forehead. ‘You’ve don’t have holidays?’

  ‘We’ve had the odd night away but apart from that, no.’

  Sarah’s head was down as they continued to walk, appearing deep in thought. ‘I’ve been a crap aunt, haven’t I?’ she suddenly announced.

  The odd expensive present aside, Eva thought it was a pretty fair assessment but not wanting to rock their fragile truce she tried to sound supportive.

  ‘Your career is very demanding – I understand that you don’t have lots of free time.’

  Sarah gave her head a little shake, frowning. ‘Where did you say he was?’

  ‘An activity weekend with his football team.’ Eva felt a rush of joy thinking he’d be home soon. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to come and collect him with me? I’m sure he would love to see you.’