Plastic Hearts

by De Jong, Lisa

  My body started to shake as I looked away from his punishing eyes. I ran out of the room without saying a word. A part of me wanted Dane to run after me, but I didn’t deserve that. I wished I could take it all back and have his arms around me once again, but it was never going to happen. I was falling with no one to catch me.

  I skipped Anatomy. There was always next week to start attending class again. I wanted to wrap myself in my bed and stay there until Monday morning. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, but I accepted Gwen’s call when my phone rang.

  I thought about letting it go to voicemail, but I hadn’t talked to her all week and I didn’t want her to call my mother in a panic. “Hi.” I didn’t even bother to lift my head from the pillow.

  “Alexandra, you haven’t called me all week. What’s up?” She sounded cheery. If only it were contagious.

  “Nothing really,” I murmured into my pillow.

  “What’s wrong? You don’t sound good.” Perceptive one, wasn’t she?

  “Dane and I broke up.” I heard an audible gasp.

  “What? Why? You guys looked so happy last weekend at my wedding.” I remembered everything about last weekend; the dancing, the night in my bedroom and the night out in the rain. I had never been happier in my life.

  “Mom didn’t approve and she kind of gave me an ultimatum. I had to let him go.” Bitterness streaked my voice.

  “Can I be honest with you?” When I didn’t say anything, she continued. “I envied you. When I saw you with Dane that weekend in New York, I wanted what you had. I know Mom probably put so much fear in your head that you can’t hear what I’m trying to tell you but Alexandra, you had what everyone wants.” I gasped as I tried to catch my breath. I expected her to tell me I made the right decision, but instead she was confirming what my heart was telling me. She was another voice being added to the constant soundtrack that plays in my mind.

  “What should I do?” I asked.

  “Follow your heart,” she whispered, surprising me. My heart was torn between loving Dane and protecting him. I was confused and wished there was a way to see into the future. What would the consequences have been if I stayed with Dane?

  “Thanks, Gwen. Look, I have to go. Can we continue this later?” I had some thinking to do and I wanted to do it without anyone in my head.

  “I know this is strange coming from me, but I love you and want you to be happy.” I liked this new version of Gwen, even if I really didn’t want to listen to her logic right now.

  “Thank you,” I whispered before ending the call.

  Had I made the wrong decision? I thought I was protecting him, but maybe I was being selfish. Was I more worried about myself than him? I could live without the money; it never really mattered to me anyway. Could Dane defend himself against my parents? I was beginning to think he could; he wasn’t as weak as I was. Maybe I gave up on us too quickly.

  I tried to call him, but it immediately went to voicemail. I left at least six messages, but after three hours and no reply, I grabbed my phone again and let my fingers hover over the keys before I finally sent him a text.

  Can you meet me somewhere to talk? – A

  Still nothing. He didn’t want anything to do with me and that hurt more than one hundred nails to my heart. Sometimes second chances didn’t exist. I had gone past the point of redemption and forgiveness and ruined my one chance at true love.

  When Jade asked me to go to Tyler’s little get together on Thursday, I told her no. The whole time I’d been with Dane, we had never attended one of Tyler’s weekly parties. He said it wasn’t his scene and I was confident he wouldn’t be there tonight, but truth be told, it wasn’t my scene either. Besides, I wasn’t ready to go out and be around other people who were a lot happier than I was. Over the past several days, I had accepted Dane was gone and wasn’t coming back, but my heart hadn’t even begun to heal.

  Tyler had sent me an apology text a few days ago. I didn’t care for how he approached the situation at the restaurant, but he was protecting his friend and I could see where he was coming from. I would do the same thing if someone did that to Jade.

  I was getting ready to have another movie night with a package full of cookies in hand. I have avoided alcohol all together after the night I ran home from the restaurant; I felt like I’d been hit by a truck the remainder of the weekend and decided that sometimes the numbness wasn’t worth the after effect. I needed to deal with everything without the alcohol; learning to live with the pain was like trying to learn to walk.

  “Alex, you’re going with me tonight. I’m not taking no for an answer. You have twenty minutes to get ready,” Jade said, hands on her hips.

  “I’m not going to a party. I’m just going to stay in and watch movies,” I pouted, pulling my hair into a ponytail.

  “Alex, I swear to God. If you don’t come with me tonight, I’m going to invite everyone to come over here. Do you want a bunch of people in our room?” Why did everyone feel the need to threaten me?

  “Really, Jade?”

  “I’m serious. You’re being ridiculous. Now get up and get moving.”

  “Fine, Jade, but only for tonight and we’re not staying long,” I said, through my teeth. I pulled on my black sweater, jeans and black stilettos, letting my hair down. It was a cool spring evening, but I couldn’t bring myself to put on the leather jacket that hung on my desk chair. I hadn’t worn it since I left him lying in his bed, and everything about it reminded me of him; the feel, the smell, the warmth. I didn’t feel like I deserved it anymore.

  “Ready?” Jade asked, reining me back in.

  “Yep, let’s go.”

  I told myself I would avoid alcohol tonight, but the minute we walked in the door my feelings changed. Tyler’s place wasn’t huge, but there were probably thirty people jammed into the space drinking, talking, and laughing. For the last couple weeks, laughter had been a loud pounding noise in my head. I hated the sound of it because I couldn’t bring myself to do it or fathom that anyone was happy when I was so far from it. I was surrounded by lively, intoxicated people and I immediately missed him. I remembered the last party we attended, laughing as we played cards. The first night we said “I love you”. I wanted something to drink and I didn’t talk myself out of it this time. I wasn’t sure how many shots I had consumed, but it was enough to make the numbness completely wash over me.

  Jade didn’t leave my side and I caught Tyler looking in our direction several times, winking and smiling. Each time she seemed to move her legs off the couch a little more and I couldn’t take the sexual tension any longer. “You can go over there. I’ll be fine. “

  “Are you sure?” she asked, trying to filter her excitement.

  “Yes, go!” I practically pushed her off the couch.

  “Okay, let me know when you are ready to leave.” She gave my hand a quick squeeze and went to join Tyler. I watched for a second as he put his arm around her and placed a kiss on her cheek. I quickly withdrew my attention from them and focused on the rest of the party.

  Do you ever have those moments where you are in a room and you feel like you are on the outside looking in? Like those around you are characters in a sitcom and you are just a member of the live studio audience? That was how I felt in this moment. There were sounds floating all around me as I sat in complete silence taking it all in. I got up and stumbled toward the makeshift bar and drank two more shots. I was going for a third when I was startled by a voice behind me. “Slow down there, sailor.”

  I turned to see Tyler’s roommate, Mason, standing there. I ignored him, turning around to grab my next shot before downing it. “You’re Jade’s friend. Alex, right?”

  “You got it,” I said, spinning back around to look at him. I made a mental note not to move so quickly next time as the room began to change directions. Even through my blurry vision, I could see he had a smile that would play in most girls’ dreams for years. His jaw was strong, he had great cheekbones and a single dimple on the lef
t side of his face; he was cute in the clean-cut, boy next-door kind of way. Definitely the type of guy I used to date with his slightly too long blond hair and dark brown eyes.

  “Are you here with anyone?” he finally asked as his eyes traveled down my body.

  “Just Jade,” I said, grasping the bar to hold myself up.

  His smile grew wide as his eyes met mine again. “You look like you could use some fresh air. Want to step outside with me?”

  I looked around and didn’t see Jade. The sounds in the room were starting to overwhelm me. Maybe fresh air would help. “Lead the way,” I said. He grabbed my hand and led me out to a small balcony. The night air was chilly, but with all the alcohol warming my body I couldn’t feel it.

  I honestly couldn’t tell you what we talked about for most of the time we remained outside. He mentioned he worked at an investment firm, but I didn’t catch which one. I wondered if he went into it because he wanted to or someone else wanted him to, but I didn’t care enough to ask. He looked like he came from money, but that was presumptuous of me; maybe he genuinely enjoyed it.

  “It’s nice out here tonight,” Mason observed as I nodded in agreement. “You’re a Pre-Med major, right?”

  “Yep.” I considered making an excuse to go inside, but the evening air felt good. I didn’t come here to talk, but Mason was easy to talk to.

  “What kind of doctor do you want to be?” he asked. I didn’t know him well enough to tell him the truth.

  “I’m undecided,” I answered, moving my eyes to the skyline before returning them to him.

  We stood there facing each other, hips resting against the old black railing. I felt better than I had in days thanks to the noise, the alcohol and Mason. He didn’t know the pain I was in and the things I had done. He talked to me like there wasn’t a care in the world and I felt normal. After several minutes a breeze blew past us sending chills through my body and he began running his hands up and down the lengths of my arms. I inadvertently looked up, right into his eyes and before I knew it his lips were on mine.

  I didn’t know how to react at first. My body stiffened and my instinct was to push him away, run until I was back in the comforts of my own dorm room, but the alcohol froze me in place. As if he knew what I was thinking, he wrapped his arms around me and deepened the kiss. Something about the way he held and kissed me, relaxed me. He was warm and when I closed my eyes, it was like something I had missed out on for weeks was suddenly there. It was comfort, warmth and want. His hands started to travel up my back, then through my hair before cradling my neck.

  After several minutes, he pulled away. “It’s getting chilly out here. Do you want to find somewhere warm inside?” I just nodded as he grabbed my hand and lead me back inside. I didn’t think much about where we were going. There was warmth in my body that hadn’t been there in two weeks and whether it was the alcohol or Mason, I didn’t care. I couldn’t think straight and I didn’t question him when we ended up in his room with the door closed. It was quiet again; the sounds of the city muffled with the sounds of those who were socializing outside his door.

  My earlier calm had begun to fade as he walked me back until my legs met his bed. He kissed my lips and before I knew what was happening, I was laying on my back with him on top of me. I started to tell myself that I needed to do this, move on from Dane and all the things I could never have. Dane held my heart; he was my first, my one, my only and I couldn’t have him. This was the new Alex and I was going to have to get used to it one way or another. He lifted my sweater above my head and I let him. He placed kisses between my breasts and down my stomach while working at the buttons on my jeans. All I could do was lay there with my eyes shut, willing the pain to go away. Dane didn’t do this to me. I did this. I put myself here.

  As my jeans made their way down my legs, I felt a tear slide down the side of my face. I was about to give Mason something I had only given to one person. I held onto my ideals on love and sex for a long time and now I had to let it go. The numbness I felt before I opened my heart was back and I planned to use it to get through this. I needed to forget everything and feel nothing. More tears fell as I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting. I didn’t move. I just laid there as my underwear was removed and then heard him discarding of his own clothes. He kissed his way back up my body again. I was shaking and if he could feel it, he didn’t say anything. His hardness was pressed against my leg, but I felt nothing inside. I just wanted this to be over with, but I couldn’t move a muscle. It was like I was frozen in place. I wanted to replace all the aching.

  With every kiss, I felt Dane’s lips. With every touch, I felt Dane’s hands. With every second that went by, I felt I was losing a little more of myself and soon there wouldn’t be anything left.

  He placed one more kiss on my mouth before whispering, “Beautiful” against my lips and I instantly froze. I couldn’t do this, not now, not with him saying that to me. That was Dane’s word and suddenly I felt like I was being woken from a dream. “Stop! Please stop! I have to go! I can’t breathe.”

  I didn’t open my eyes until I felt his body leave mine and even then it was more out of the necessity to find my clothes and get out of there. He looked mortified, standing by the bed completely naked. Hands wrapped around the back of his neck. “Jesus, what did I do?”

  “I’m sorry. I just can’t.” I was full on crying at this point, trying to get dressed as sobs shook my body. I had been stupid to think I could just give this to someone who didn’t have my heart or at least to give it to someone when someone else still had my whole heart.

  I whispered sorry to him again as I ran out the door, tears still streaming down my face. I should have stopped to tell Jade that I was leaving but I couldn’t. I needed to go. As I rounded the corner to the living area, I saw him. My heart fell out of my chest.

  I froze. This was more than I could handle right now. I needed to get out of here and go somewhere to be alone. Just as I started to walk toward the door, his eyes went to my face then shot behind me. I looked back to see Mason standing there, looking completely lost. Before I could think or move, Dane was working his way over to me, his face so angry that I walked backward until I was pressed against the wall. I needed something to hold me up; my knees were weak and I wanted to be anywhere but here.

  He stopped right in front of me, his face only inches from mine. I pinched my eyes closed; I couldn’t be this close to him. I wanted to kiss him and tell him everything would be fine, but I couldn’t do that anymore. He pointed his finger right at me, “It was Mason? You left me for Mason? From the look on your face right now, I would say things aren’t going so fucking well.” He walked toward Mason, punching the wall along the way. This was not going to be good. What have I done?

  “Dane, stop!” I screamed, but it didn’t stop him. He didn’t even flinch. Dane stepped up to Mason and before Mason even knew what was coming, Dane punched him in the face. He immediately fell to the ground and Dane straddled him, continuing to hit him. I yelled for him to stop, but he didn’t. I was relieved when Tyler and another guy came and pulled them apart. I could hear Dane breathing from where I stood and when he looked back over to me, I flinched. This was all because of me; it was because of my actions and my lies.

  “Dane, you need to leave. Do you want me to walk you home?” Tyler asked as he slowly loosened his grip on Dane’s arm.

  “No,” Dane yelled at him before starting toward me yet again. He stopped and looked right into my eyes. “I hope he makes you happy.” And just like that he was gone, walking toward the door. I didn’t want him to think I left him for Mason or that I left him for anyone. This hurt me and I couldn’t imagine what it was doing to him.

  I pushed my way through the crowd toward Dane. I saw him walk out the door and sped up to get to him before he left the building. He was almost to the end of the hallway. “Dane, stop!” I yelled as loud as I could through my tears. He stopped, but didn’t turn around to look at me. I walked closer to him until we
were only a few feet apart. “I need to tell you something.” My voice and body shook uncontrollably.

  He spun around to look at me, staring at me with his dark eyes. “I don’t want to hear what you have to say. Do you know what you did to me? You broke me, Alex. This fucking hurts, so fucking bad.”

  Another tear rolled down my cheek. “I know. I’m so sorry, but I need you to know there is no one else. There was only you and there has only ever been you. I need you to know that.”

  He let out a cynical laugh. “I just saw you come out of Mason Lander’s goddamn bedroom and you want me to believe this shit? You told me there was someone else. You said you didn’t love me.” His last few words made me flinch.

  I couldn’t take it anymore. “Damn it, I didn’t leave you because I wanted to. I had to Dane. My parents would’ve ruined us both. I didn’t want to do it, believe me, if there was another way.” His eyes shifted slightly from anger to confusion. I grabbed the front of his t-shirt in an attempt to pull him closer. “I love you. I need you to know that.”

  His body was tense, but he didn’t push me away. “Really? If you love me, what were you doing with Mason?”

  “He was a mistake. A big mistake.” I tightened my hands around his shirt to pull him closer. I could feel his heartbeat against my fists.

  “Did you..?” He was shaking and I knew what he was asking. That was something I had only given to him and he knew it.

  “God, no. You still have me. All of me. I couldn’t.” He let out a huge breath before wrapping his arms around me.

  He rested his forehead on mine, his eyes closed tight. “Come home with me then.”

  “I can’t, Dane. I’m sorry. Some choices aren’t mine to be made.” As soon as the words left my mouth, his arms left me and he grabbed my wrists to free my hands from his shirt. I looked into his eyes and the pain I saw there was unlike anything I had ever seen or ever wanted to see in the eyes of another person, especially one I loved. I could feel myself melting and knew if I didn’t get out from under his hot stare soon, I would give him everything he needed and everything we both wanted. The tears rolled down my face as I whispered one more sorry and stepped forward to get closer to him.