Plastic Hearts

by De Jong, Lisa

  All my plans and intentions ended when he raised a hand to stop me from coming any closer. “Don’t. Just go! And Alex, you always have a choice. You just made yours.” There are no words for how much I hurt hearing him say this. It was like breaking up for a second time. How did I get to this point? I turned and ran down the hall to the steps, not stopping until I was outside. I needed to get home. I was about to break and I wasn’t sure anyone would be able to put me back together. How could I have done this to the both of us…again.

  The day I met Dane Wright, I fell hard into a bottomless pit. He was the only one who could help me out but now I was left with nobody to hear me scream.

  I’ve always heard drug addicts need to hit rock bottom before they can get better. What happens to someone who hits rock bottom after breaking up with the love of their life? There was no rehab for a broken heart; it was up to me to make things better. The way I saw it, I had three choices – I could live a lonely life, I could find someone else or I could stop all this nonsense and be with Dane.

  I couldn’t stomach being with anyone other than Dane. The thought of it made me sick. When I closed my eyes, I always saw Dane. I could still hear him telling me that I always have a choice and the feel of his hands on my body. No one else could make me feel the way he did and if my incident with Mason taught me anything, it was that I wasn’t ready. Dane couldn’t be replaced when he still owned me.

  I lived alone before Dane and since I’d lost him, I’d been more miserable than I ever thought possible. There was a hole in my heart that only he could fill; it would be there forever. I always thought the concept of soul mates was cliché, but I believed it now. If I were to lay it out on paper, we wouldn’t seem like the ideal match, but he completed me. I could never regret the time I spent with him. He opened my eyes to so many new experiences. He taught me what love was and how to listen to my heart. I would always look back at the decision I made on the ride home from Greenwich and wish my heart had been louder than my head. Life was a series of lessons that lead you to future decisions. I will never make a decision like that again without listening to my heart. Everything I do affects everything I am; I see that now.

  As much as I would like to run back into Dane’s arms, I couldn’t. I had done too much, caused too much hurt. I would be surprised if he could even look at me anymore. For the past few weeks, I couldn’t bare to even look at myself. I was slowly starting to forgive myself, but I was not in the position to ask him to do the same; he would always be the one who got away.

  So where did that leave me? It was time to figure out who Alex was when all the noise was stripped away. For the first time in my life, I was going to guide my own life and follow my heart. Dane once told me I have to take all of life’s lessons and use them to create my own path; he was right. I didn’t realize it before all the air drained from my lungs but now it was time to catch my breath.

  I started to attend all my classes again. I spent my afternoons in the Art Room, completing painting after painting until my heart didn’t feel so shallow anymore. They started out angry and dark, but had shifted over the past few days to something a little brighter. I was gaining more strength than I ever had in the past; control was a powerful, peaceful thing.

  Spring break started yesterday. I hadn’t planned on going home, but I was on my way there now. There was something I needed to take care of; something I should have done a long time ago. My parents were leaving for their trip tomorrow and I couldn’t let them go without talking to them first. There were so many things I had left unsaid and they couldn’t remain that way if I was going to move forward. I finally knew what I needed to do.

  My hands gripped the steering wheel tight as I pulled into the driveway. I knew this could very well be the last time I would ever be able to come here as a welcome guest. There was a time when the thought of not being welcome in my own house would have punched me in the stomach, but I knew now it wouldn’t be the worst pain I ever felt. Nothing could compare to the pain of losing Dane. Nothing.

  I parked my car and stared at the front door for a few minutes. I stayed up half the night thinking of all the things I wanted to say. Nineteen years of memories lived in that house and most weren’t worth holding onto. I wanted the remaining moments of my life to be mine. I had too much life in front of me to shy away from change. It was time to lay it out there and move on.

  I stepped out of the car and let my wobbly knees carry me forward. I heard Jade’s words from this morning in my head, “When you let your heart carry you through life, you’re never alone”, and it propelled me forward.

  As soon as I closed the front door, I heard her heels on the marble. I took a deep cleansing breath and closed my eyes as I listened. Click. Click. Click. I used to tremble every time I heard that noise, but I wouldn’t allow that sound to affect me anymore. I wouldn’t let her dictate my life or my feelings. My mother has never been a listener. Of course, if I told her I was dating a Kennedy or a dashing young doctor, or that I had been accepted into Harvard medical school, her ears would perk up. If it wasn’t something she could repeat at the country club, she didn’t want to hear it. Today that was all going to change; she was going to listen to my pain.

  Her face showed shock as she came into view. “Alexandra, what are you doing here? I didn’t think you were coming home.”

  “I just stopped by to talk to you and Dad for a minute. Is he home?” I kept my eyes on her and my voice held steady to my own surprise. My nerves were off the charts, but I wasn’t going to let her see that.

  She eyed me up and down. I never asked to speak to them. I avoided it. “He’s in his study. Follow me,” she said in her usual cold, detached voice. I propelled myself forward, taking many deep breaths as we walked down the hall. Click. Click. Click.

  I replayed everything in my mind one more time so I wouldn’t lose my nerve to continue. The study was a reminder of why I was here. It angered me to be in here as everything from the last time played in my mind again. It gave me the push I needed.

  I didn’t waste any time. “I came here to tell you I’m changing my major to Art after this semester. I don’t want to be a doctor and I’m done pretending.” I looked over at my mother whose mouth hung wide open. She quickly composed herself and looked at my father who had actually looked up from the paper. His eyes seared into me, but I didn’t look away. I wasn’t backing down this time.

  My mother spoke first. “You will not do such a thing. We will not pay for you to take a bunch of art classes for the next three years. You’re better than that. You’re a Riley.” By the look on her face, she thought she’d won. I wasn’t going to let her win this one.

  “I don’t care if you pay for it or not. I already applied for student loans,” I said, raising my voice higher than I had ever allowed myself in front of my parents. There was an audible gasp from where my mother sat. Score one for Alex. “I’m a Riley by blood, but I will never be like you. I’m better than that.”

  The room was silent for a few minutes. I considered leaving but I had a few more things to say. “And from now on, I will love who I want to love. Dane was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was more than a name. He was my everything.” My voice was angry as I leaned forward in my chair. They were going to listen to me.

  My father removed his glasses and threw them on his desk. “Alexandra, we’re your parents and we have every right to guide you. Where is this coming from? Did that boy put you up to this?” he said, his voice shaking with anger. I smiled; he was still looking at me. This was the longest he had looked at me for years.

  “You’re not guiding me. You never did. You had a plan for me and I was expected to follow it, whether I wanted to or not. That’s not guiding. I didn’t know what I was missing until I met Dane and I can’t go back to life before him. I may have ruined any chance with him when I let your voices get into my head, but the lessons he taught me will always be with me.”

  “You’re not the daughter who left here
seven months ago,” my mother began before I cut her off.

  “I am the daughter who left here seven months ago. I was just buried inside myself, but not anymore. I won’t let you bring me down anymore.” The shock on her face made me smile inside. I already wasted so much time on them and their ideals. I was in the midst of the best years of my life and there was no time like the present to take the reins back.

  “If you’re going to defy us, you can hand over your credit cards and leave your car here. I will not continue to fund this nonsense,” my father said, standing from his chair with his palms resting on the desk. His shoulders were tense and I could see the veins in his neck. For the first time since I entered this room, the consequences of my actions were said aloud. My parents didn’t want the real me, they never had. It took me a minute to recover from the realness of the situation before my strength propelled me.

  I pulled the keys out of my pocket and put them on his desk before taking the credit cards out of my purse, throwing them in his direction. “Happiness is more important than money. Maybe someday you guys will realize that.” My mother sat there speechless, her mouth hanging open. I wanted her to say something. A part of me wanted to hear distress in her voice because I know she had heard it in mine many times before. She wasn’t about to give me that satisfaction.

  “Here’s twenty dollars for a cab back into the city. I suggest you find somewhere else to stay over the summer because you’re not welcome here,” my father said, reaching into his wallet and throwing cash on his desk. I panicked briefly; I had nowhere to stay over the summer.

  I composed myself and stood up, leaving his cash on the desk. I took one more look at my mother who was in stunned silence for the first time ever and then to my father who was a deep shade of red and walked toward the door. “I don’t need your money. Have a nice trip,” I said as I turned the knob and left the study, walked down the hall and out the front door for the last time. I was on my own now. For the first time I stood up to my parents and didn’t back down.

  There was a bounce in my step as I walked down the drive. I felt freer than I had in years, like a weight had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe again. Fear had dictated what I’d done for so long, but I wouldn’t welcome it any longer. There was confidence in faith that can override fear and trepidation. The key was finding that faith and holding on to it when doubt tried to work its way in. I needed to tell myself that every day.

  I took one last look around the neighborhood I had grown up in. Each house took up the equivalent of two city blocks, each with a gate and a long, distinguished driveway. The lawns were well manicured and the landscaping was beautifully maintained. I hated everything this neighborhood reminded me of and the memories it held. I didn’t care to ever come back.

  I sat on the curb and searched for a number to call a cab. I still had my phone, but it would only be a matter of time before they wanted that back to. I made a mental note to purchase my own and mail this one back before they had the opportunity to ask.

  “Hey, what are you doing sitting out here?” I turned around to see Ryan standing behind me. He had his hands on his hips as he stood there wearing grey sweatpants and a Stanford sweatshirt, drenched in sweat. His usually perfect hair was going in all directions and sweat ran down his forehead.

  “Long story. What are you doing here?” I asked. I was genuinely surprised to see him. I hadn’t expected him to come home for spring break.

  “It’s spring break. I just got back from a run.” he replied, smirking down at me. “So, what’s the long story? I have time.”

  I eyed him for a minute, trying to decide how much I should tell him. He was once one of my best friends and I wanted to be close to him again. “My parents kicked me out. I told them I was changing from Pre-Med to Art and they cut me off.” Saying those words would have once made me panic, but they didn’t now. I’d never had a job or a bill to pay in my life and that was all about to change. I was finally ready to grow up.

  He didn’t say anything for a minute. “I always thought art suited you more than medicine,” he whispered, surprising me.

  “What?” I asked, scrunching my eyebrows together and looking to the side.

  “Art suits you. You’re not like them, you know.” Why was he telling me this now? I’d known him for years and thought no one had seen me. But he had. He had seen me the whole time.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He shrugged. “I guess we were both going along with the act. I’ve had a lot of time to think since January and I guess I understand you better now.”

  “I wish we had this conversation a long time ago. It’s been a rough month.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, I left Dane because my parents wanted me to. I let them get into my head and I’m going to pay for it for the rest of my life,” I said, holding my head in my hands. It was amazing how much one decision could affect the rest of your life.

  “Why does it have to be the rest of your life? I know you have some fight in you.” I pondered his response. Could I fight for Dane? Did I even have a chance?

  “I did some really terrible things. I don’t think he can ever forgive me,” I said, feeling the thickness in my throat.

  “Do you realize how special you are? I know it’s not something you’re used to hearing. But Alex, you’re worth it. I wish I had fought harder for you, but I realize now that you weren’t mine to fight for.” He sat down next to me and ran his hands through his wet hair.

  For the first time in a long time, I felt hope. If Ryan thought I had a chance, maybe I did. But if Dane rejected me, I didn’t know if I could take any more pain after what had transpired the last few months. A part of me didn’t think I deserved him.

  “That means a lot to me, Ryan.” I wrapped my arms around him. “I hope you find someone who appreciates how great you are.”

  He let out a short laugh. “Me too. You want a ride back to school? I have nothing better to do.” He said with a wink.

  “Are you sure?” I asked, eyebrows raised.

  “Yeah, my mom will put me to work if I go back into that house.” Ryan’s mom was notorious for putting him to work in the yard.

  “Okay.”

  We hopped into Ryan’s Jeep and started into the city. It was like old times, before we had started dating. He was really enjoying Stanford and there was a change in him. He seemed freer and more at peace. In many ways, I think the fact that we were so much alike that meant that we would never work together. We both had some issues brought on by our parents and equally draining self-imposed ones. Staying together would have been a constant struggle; this was much better.

  I hugged him one more time before climbing out of the Jeep. This day had turned into a whirlwind of emotions. First, I had all but severed ties with my parents. It was a relationship I didn’t think could ever be mended. Things that were never together weren’t meant to be fixed. But now I had one of my best friends back in my life. It was strange how life seemed to work itself out.

  Once I’d left my plastic life behind, I spent the next two week thinking and planning. I’d completed thirty-seven paintings over the last several months. If I placed them in order of when I painted them, they showed my rise, fall and eventual rebirth. I rarely showcased my art, but that was about the change today. There was an outdoor art show this afternoon at Brooklyn Bridge Park and I was going to share my art with the world. It was a big step for me.

  Jade helped me dress in what she called artsy-chic, whatever that was. She picked out skinny jeans, with a red camisole, black blazer and matching flats. She fought me when I put my black beanie on, but I eventually won out. It was my day after all.

  Gwen came for the weekend; it was nice to have her support in my new endeavor. She was there for me when I wasn’t myself and now that I was who I wanted to be, she was still there. I realized that I was worth something and that propelled me forward every day.

  “Ready to go ladies? Show starts in 30 minutes!�
� I yelled impatiently from the doorway. I was the first one ready for my own show.

  “Coming!” they yelled in unison. I never thought I would see the day the two of them would get along so well. Gwen had relaxed and Jade had accepted her. I think they had done it for my benefit.

  We took a cab to the park. Butterflies were working overtime in my stomach as we got closer. This was going to be a big day for me.

  After we paid the cab driver, I led them over to where I had set up my paintings earlier in the morning. It was the first time I was sharing my art with either of them. I was surprised to see they both had tears in their eyes after looking at the whole display. I felt accomplished and justified; the people that mattered most were here supporting me.

  For the next hour, I played the art guru, explaining my work to the many people who walked through the park. My mind was there, but I felt uneasy. So much was riding on today. I took a short break to grab a drink of water and collect my thoughts.

  When I turned around to greet a couple that was looking at one of my paintings, I saw him. My hand flew to my mouth as I held back tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. I begged Tyler to bring him, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. He looked impressive in light colored blue jeans and a fitted long sleeve grey t-shirt. How did that man make cotton look so good? I wanted to run and jump into his arms, but my legs felt like they were rooted in cement. I watched him as he looked over some of my paintings, pointing and talking to Tyler from time to time. He looked better than he had the last time I saw him, but still not back to normal.

  I suddenly remembered where I was and excused myself from the couple. I turned to Jade who was chatting with Gwen. “Jade, can you handle this for a few minutes?” My hands were shaking as I glanced back over to where Dane was standing with Tyler. He still hadn’t looked my way.

  Jade followed my gaze. “Go, we got it.”