My Number One: Kasha & Knox

by Ross, Janice

  “Yes, I can fix this,” he pleaded in a heavy whine.

  “No Knox.” His finger tightened on my arm. This time, I turned to him full-on to advise. “No, you have to move on; damn, Knox, I need to be free.”

  Knox gripped my chin only to trail up to tilt my chin. His breath lashed at my eyelids, then trailed across my cheeks until he breathed onto my tender lips. There we were, two friends panting, with no more than an inch to separate us.

  “Let. Me. Go,” I whispered. My voice cracked at the very end. There was a type of finality to the words, as if I had no intention to ever come back. In truth, I was trying to convince myself to never think about him beyond this evening. “I don’t want this . . . you. You made a choice, now live with it.”

  In the end, I hadn’t won over his strength. I was barely strong enough to get away. He ultimately had no choice but to let me go.

  ~

  Kasha

  ~

  The burn. The sobs. The pain.

  Loss. Heartache. Finality.

  Knox . . . Knox . . .

  I lost the fight as I reached for the door and threw it open. I gave him my back, making sure he couldn’t see the tears. I’m sure he heard the muted noise I tried to hide by biting my lips shut.

  The light breeze of early evening was a relief. If I had remained inside just a moment longer, I’m sure I would’ve fainted. It wasn’t an easy task, keeping my wits at all times—yet I somehow managed to do so. I kept my head low as I hurried along the back of the building and turned the corner while advancing from the grass onto the concrete path. Air rushed at my face with each second of my exodus from the fire we’d ignited.

  But then I slammed into something, or rather someone. Before looking up or trying to confirm what had now blocked my passage, I squeezed my eyes shut and inhaled. My arms hung low, while I made tight fists at my sides. I dug fingernails into the palms of my hands. Drops of tears flopped down to my cotton tee. I tried to stop them with the back of my hand. It got soaked up. It wasn’t until that second that I realized how much this whole episode had me caught up.

  “Excuse me?” A light, yet curious female voice cut into my pity party.

  Up until that moment, I hadn’t considered the fact that this life didn’t only include Knox and I. Specifically, this life, in this particular time. Although his fiancée was ever prevalent, she was an outsider in our world. One that could never fit into our key moments. So me running away from him and into her truly caught me off guard. The hurt, the whole suddenness of it all had plagued me so much that I’d forgotten to wise up.

  “I-I’m sorry,” I mouthed. I arched my neck, blinking unnecessarily over and again. My eyes still burned from the tears. “Who are you?” The girl was a mere shadow behind my tears.

  “Nooo, who are you?” a high-pitched squeal shot out.

  Truthfully, I was a bit bashful, this girl was not. Then, just as quickly as we’d collided, she stepped off to the side and walked around me.

  From behind, I could hear Knox’s voice, “Erika . . .”

  I never despised a name like I despised that one. Anytime he’d previously said it, I would shut down my mind from thinking, caring, or registering how imperfect a name it was. Honestly, how does someone by the name of Erika end up with a guy by the name of Knox? Yet somehow she had. Any other time before, I’d blocked out Erika’s existence. I had chosen to remember my friendship with Knox, nothing more; not even the desires that were sure to creep up. I’d chosen to not pursue anything further, and in doing so, missed out. Erika was able to capture his affections because I had been too stupid to do it when it counted the most.

  As I slid into the seat of my girlie yellow VW Jetta, the one I’ve loved for the past year, I placed my right palm on the passenger side seat. Knox had been in my domain only moments ago. I inhaled with my nose tilted up into the air, as if his scent might’ve lingered. And in my mind, even when I knew it was highly improbable, I got a high off this. I yanked away my hand, swiped at a stray tear drop that had chosen just that time to roll down my cheek, and started the car. Before driving off, a quick glance to my left made my heart skip. In the distance, standing close to the path alongside his house, I made eye contact with Knox. Even though it was no longer daytime, and the evening had robbed us of perfect sight, I could almost see a longing in his eyes.

  Inhaling the jasmine air freshener flowing through my ride, I had to convince myself that we needed to maintain a healthy distance, for the sake of his future marriage and my weak heart.

  “Go Kasha. Drive off,” I pleaded with myself. “What are you doing?” Boy, did I want to run to him. Every inch of me felt a calling to be next to the man that I was starting to believe was supposed to be mine. “What the heck?” I sobbed; even tried to muffle the sounds by biting on the insides of my lips. But . . . there was something almost magical, cliché-ish. What if I were to put the emotions to the test right this instant?

  Could I be so bold?

  No. It’s not right.

  I certainly couldn’t and definitely wouldn’t. I quickly shifted forward. Knox is and would now always be off limits to me. He’d made a choice outside of me. As much as that choice pained, I refused to sacrifice my dignity. No matter how much my heart tugged, I briefly hugged myself in a lonely embrace, swiped the back of my forearm across my eyes and whispered a gentle, “Goodbye,” to the image of Knox in my mind.

  ~

  The bar was crowded for a Wednesday afternoon. Midweek blues?

  There was nothing blue about my day or week. Knox had been out of town, Teagan had been working extra hours to plan for a vacation and I was trying to land a remote part-time research role with a center out of California. I trailed my fingers around the brim of my glass before leaning forward to enjoy another sip of my mango mojito. I cried about the vulnerabilities of falling in love.

  That word was capable of tearing apart my insides. I dreaded the emotion. Too many others had suffered for the sake of this four letter curse.

  As I studied the thoughts racing through my mind, nothing took root in front of me until a familiar scent stepped in. Then two hands rested on my shoulders. I inhaled, then spun on the stool and reached up for Knox’s hand at the same time. While I pictured my massive grin, his lips formed a slight frown. And for a couple seconds, the laughter and intrusive surroundings became unimportant.

  Knox tipped his head forward. His fingers mated with mine. He squeezed in a way that wasn’t quite reserved for friends.

  “Come here?” He quickly bent down to whisper in my ear. I followed his lead. I had no problem with being led by him, but then remembered my drink. After tipping back over to collect it, I rejoined Knox in a two-seater booth, way in the back portion of the bar.

  Knox drummed his fingers on the heavy, rich brown wooden table. Nearby, a hanging stained glass lamp rained circular lights down onto his face. As I studied the collage, a sort of heaviness blanketed me. It was too quiet.

  “What’s wrong, Knox?”

  He shrugged, removing a pitch black jacket in the process.

  “Talk to me,” I begged.

  “Kash, I gotta tell you something.”

  I stopped breathing in that moment. After five seconds and no movement from either of us, I finally nodded.

  “Um, Erika . . .”

  I zoned out the instant he said the name of the woman he’d been seeing for too long. Knox was my friend. Had been mine for several years; friend that is. We were close. Because of this, I had every right to take ownership and not acknowledge this chick, no matter how long they’d been together. Knox and I had a strong bond that no one would ever penetrate, and if I was a different person, he could’ve been mine. But I was a messed up wreck of a girl.

  “Are you listening to me?” Knox lifted my hand from the table. He encased it between his palms.

  All I could do was nod, and then breathe in and breathe out. The walls swarmed around. Everything stifled. I no longer wanted to be touched or comforted; no
t by him. His expression was grim, most certainly in the way he kept shifting his eyes away from my face.

  “Say what you have to say, friend.”

  “How could your mood switch up like that?”

  “Knox, c’mon, what’s wrong?”

  “Well, Kash, you know you’re my ace. I wanted to tell you first.” The words were doused with something strange, as if he was uncertain himself. He then ran his palms down over his face. “So, Erika needs . . . she . . . look, I’m making things official with her.”

  “Official?” I wasn’t a frickin’ idiot. My understanding of time changed. My body floated away from the safety of my best friend, since he was no longer mine. How could I be expected to process his words, when my ears wanted to reject them? Knox might not have been my guy, yet he was my number one. Hell, more than that, he was the only man in my life that I gave a damn about. “What does official mean?” I had to stop talking to keep from sobbing out loud. Inside of me, buried in the murky areas of my soul, this realization stripped away the joys of living. There was no way to reason through the mixed emotions of something so innocent.

  “Are you okay?” Knox held onto the tip of my chin. I tore it away.

  The feeling of floating was too much to handle. I was there, in front of a man capable of bringing me back to reality. I didn’t want to be faced with anything real; let me float away from the disappointment of losing a . . . a friend.

  “C’mon, Kash.”

  “Why are you talking to me like I’m an idiot? Knox, live your life!” Those words were the most I could give as my throat swelled. A burning sensation shot through my body. My lips twitched. I unwrapped my fingers from the cold stem of the glass I’d been gripping onto, snatched up the thin strap of my tiny leather bag, and fled the booth.

  His call might as well have been part of the dull sounds of the racy music. I shut off every emotion, every tie to the outside world.

  If I couldn’t feel, then I wouldn’t hurt.

  If I didn’t care, then nothing would matter.

  I needed to be immune to the emotions.

  “Kasha, you have no right!” I shouted, once in the car. Knox had managed to slam down on the trunk of my ride, but that didn’t keep me from pulling off. In fact, it felt good to know that I was capable of leaving him there like he didn’t matter. But then again, I had no right to get angry.

  When my phone started vibrating inside my purse, I turned up WJBR to blot out the sound. But that wasn’t sufficient because the iPhone flashed nonstop. Before long, Delilah welcomed listeners with a gut-wrenching ballad for those who were lonely in love. As usual, the radio diva had perfect timing. So I didn’t hold back. I tapped on the wheel with my thumbs, allowed the teardrops to roll and hollered out off-key to Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me If You Don’t.

  Rather than go home, to face an empty house and be reminded of how sad my life was, I headed to Teagan’s place. It was only about fifteen minutes away. Besides, I had a feeling Knox would seek me out to talk about the plans he was making for his future.

  “Good for him,” I mumbled to no one in particular. These same thumbs that had been tapping away to a newer, upbeat tune about love now wiped at the remnants of tears. I was broken in the worst of ways. This evening held very little importance. In fact, I tried to find every reason to not care.

  “Open up, chica!” I ordered at the front door. I decided to not use the key Teagan had forced me to take about two years ago. On the one occasion I’d gotten comfortable enough to enter without being let in, my dear, sweet bestie had been caught up in the most ridiculous of positions with her boyfriend of the time. I did nothing more than remove the key from the ring, rest it on the key hook in the foyer, and leave out. Teagan had somehow managed to return it to me without ever uttering a single word.

  “This is the last time I’m opening this door for you, Kash.”

  “Whatever, you say that all the time.” I forced myself to laugh, it developed into a genuine one at that. I was able to smile, an extended one that reached beyond my cheeks.

  “Thanks for reminding me. You can let yourself in.” Teagan didn’t speak again and the door remained closed.

  “I don’t want to be traumatized any more than I already have been.” I paused for her clever comeback. “C’mon, Teagan . . .”

  I waited and listened in silence.

  Five minutes later, I finally opened the door to find Teagan sitting in a chair in the hallway, eating from a container of rocky road ice cream.

  “Do you see what you’re making me do?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I’m shoving the ice cream down your throat.”

  “You might as well, Kash. If you hadn’t opened that damn door soon, I would’ve finished this entire container, then let you in so that I could kick your ass for my workout.”

  “Eeeevil.”

  “You don’t know how evil I am, Kasha Davies.” Teagan’s unruly hair had been pulled up into a loose ponytail. She wore a white pajama dress that reached midway up her thighs.

  “Anyhow,” I began, sticking one finger at the very top of the tub. “May I?”

  “Heck no. Not with your finger. Here, use the spoon.”

  “I love you like a sister, but I’ve seen you in some compromising positions. I’m not putting my lips on the spoon you’re eating from.”

  “Shut up, Kash! Don’t knock the freaky stuff.” Teagan was the type of person that had slick words for every situation. So when I saw how my troublesome friend started twirling the spoon around between closed lips, I bypassed the front door.

  “C’mon, Kash! I’m just teasing.”

  “Don’t tease me. Not now, at least.”

  “Why, sweetie?”

  I’d forgotten the hurt, if only briefly. “Knox and that girl,” I exhaled the revelation.

  We moved into Teagan’s kitchen in a daze. When my narration of the entire episode of the brief evening with Knox came to an end, Tea shook her head. She remained in silence as she washed off the spoon and rinsed her hands.

  “You couldn’t just tell him that you loved him, Kash?” She hadn’t yet turned back around to face me.

  “What? Why?” I squinted, fluctuating from shock to seriousness. I bit my lips, then relaxed them. “I don’t—”

  “Bullshit. I don’t know what the hell you’re trying to prove or why you’re playing things this way.”

  “I’m not looking to prove anything.”

  “So why are you so hurt over this?”

  “I’m not hurt. I just don't understand. She might be up to something. Seriously, who does this sort of thing?”

  “You’re losing him, Kasha.” Teagan nodded. Her hair flowed down into her eyes, but once she swiped it away, I saw the tiny slits staring as if they were reaching for my soul.

  “Losing my friend?” I emphasized the final term.

  “No. You might not want to admit it to yourself, but I see it in the way your eyes twinkle at his name.”

  Tears began trickling down my cheeks. I thought back to earlier that night when I’d sat at the booth with Knox. I adored him. There was even an emotion that had always crept up within. But love? Hell, love was nothing like what we had.

  We’d started as friends.

  We respected one another.

  We looked out for and cared for each other.

  But love?

  My mother would say no such thing existed any longer. For the amount of hurt I’d seen my mother suffer, love could never exist. Perhaps it was a choice based on our attraction. Maybe not. I just didn’t know.

  ~

  Knox

  ~

  Kasha Frickin’ Davies!

  Shit!

  How and when did we miss this? With all the thoughts swarming through my mind, I fixed my eyes on the profile I’d glanced at nonstop for four years. I could finally admit to myself that I’ve always had an urge to run my hands all over that perfect package. Can’t believe I’d forgotten what it was like when we’d m
et, or when I’d caught her by the marina. Years of emptiness weighed me down.

  No more.

  I damn near burned a hole through her car. To hell with her tiny bumble bee ride. I knew every smooth inch of skin, every not so gentle portion, and even the delicate aroma of her fears. How did I miss out on falling in love with my best friend?

  Her thoughts came at me, even with the distance between us. I willed her to not start up the car, and instead give in like I was ready to. I studied deeply and ordered her to come to me. Granted, I knew it was my selfish side, but my God, I needed her back with me.

  Kash, shut off the damn car.

  Kash, don’t go.

  Kash, you frickin’ belong with me.

  You’re mine.

  Come to me.

  But she didn’t.

  In fact, when she pulled off, my insides damn near melted. Took every ounce of my manhood to be strong and not run after her, even when I knew better. I knew that I had a fiancée that was selfish as hell. Someone that I’d made the irrational choice to be with, but still didn’t wanna screw things up. It was too late to back down now. We’d already vowed to do it. And I wasn’t that guy. Or rather, I couldn’t be that dick.

  Could I?

  I tipped back my head to lean further against the edge of the stone foundation and gaze into the sky. But seeing the world, massiveness and all, was too much to take in. The darkening sky represented a lonely life with minimal fulfillment. If only I’d made this realization before now, or before thinking that Erika could fill a void that couldn’t be consumed by anyone but Kasha Davies.

  I allowed my lashes to lie flat to mentally revisit the moment we’d just shared, only minutes ago in the basement. For all the times I’d tried to convince myself that Kasha was just not that into me, I wished I could now duplicate myself and kick my own ass.

  “Yeah,” I said in a low drawl to no one in particular. My frustration was such that I even kicked up the heel of my leather boot to the concrete frame of the building. The scratching sound actually helped to soothe this inner aching, so I kept up with the task, determined to rub out the name of the girl I’d fallen for four years back. That day, when this simple girl had stepped into my world. She wasn’t the usual, double-take type of girl, and definitely not one to throw herself at some random guy. She gave off this cool vibe, similar to sitting on a beach during the end of summer, right before fall began but right after the cold air had set in. Kasha was everything that any man would want because she was real.