My Number One: Kasha & Knox

by Ross, Janice

  She had thick strands of brown hair that she always complained were too unruly. A smile crept across my face. I tossed my head aside and bit my lip only to inhale through gritted teeth. Though it was brief, the fullness of her lips as they’d crushed into mine had pretty much marked me. And her scent . . . Kasha’s scent, a tinge of Bath & Bodyworks lotion, could never be mistaken. Even when I knew that the fragrances were not hers exclusively, I recognized her energy beneath it all.

  “Can you explain it to me now, Knox? Who the hell was that?” Erika was beyond persistent whenever she got something in her mind. To be honest, although she had such a major label in my life, I’d forgotten she existed. And this, this was beyond just something to forget.

  Just as she’d gotten here, the phone had rung. Fortunately. Yeah, fortunately it had been the wedding planner. So just when she started up, her bitching ended. I’d nodded and mouthed for her to give me a break before heading out the basement door. I was bogged down with so much crap. And as sorry as I felt over my Kasha issue, I couldn’t not notice the way I’d come alive with that damn kiss. But here was Erika, ready to come at me all over again. Not only had she approached me when I’d specifically asked her to give me a moment, she continued to press all the wrong buttons. She stood close, like doing so would force a reaction. We were no more than six inches apart. I was literally cornered, though it wasn’t a feeling of fear gripping me.

  I wanted to feel like shit as Erika kept repeating the same questions over and over and over again, for whatever the hell she thought I’d done. Even when her accusations had nothing to do with a simple kiss.

  “Erika, gimme a break to clear my head—”

  “Clear your head? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I gave you that much when I went to talk with the wedding planner. Oh, and by the way, the keywords in all of this are wedding and planner, as in someone is getting married!” She paused for effect, or maybe to give me an opportunity to beg for mercy. Her bottom lip trembled. A part of my brain implored me to reach out for her, to touch her. That was only an insignificant portion of me. The rest of me, I’m talking every morsel of my being beyond the sliver still holding out for common sense, lost focus.

  “Knox,” she cried out. The tears rushed down her cheeks like waterfalls.

  “Erika, don’t.” I let my head flop down. If I could only make this right, I would. If I could convince myself that what had happened with Kasha was a mistake, then maybe my relationship would set itself right again. But I couldn’t. Hell, I didn’t want that.

  Her fingers passed across my line of vision. She gripped my chin and redirected me to her. I looked directly into sad eyes. Erika was the girl every guy physically craved. Her lashes were naturally long, even underneath the dusky lighting of the evening sky, I considered how alluring they were. I admired the perfection packaged around a fiery spirit.

  “Knox,” she gasped out. Her right hand slapped at the exposed skin of her tank, right on the left side above her heart.

  Whenever she was unsure about something, her mouth would shift to the right as she tried to nibble on her lips. A small line, similar to a crease, would then form. During those times, she’d develop a far off look. She always seemed most vulnerable in that state of mind. Every other time, Erika would float through the world as if a red carpet was laid out in her path.

  “Knox, are you serious? I’m about ready to cry my eyes out, and you’re being an asshole. Do you know how many men would love to be in my life?” Her words grew in depth, increasing until she ended the sentence with a loud out-breath.

  “Erika, I said I needed a moment. Honestly, that wasn’t a request.” I would never intentionally try to bring bullshit to anyone’s life, yet all of a sudden life took on a new direction. I forced myself and stretched out my hand to caress Erika’s lips, since she’d started nibbling on them. In response, her hand flew up and knocked my fingers away. I didn’t react. Didn’t say another word either.

  We stood facing one another, drawn to the darkness for how this night was shaping up. Cars drove by on a street that was no more than ten feet away. Families in surrounding houses chatted, going about their business as if no one’s world hung in the balance. But it did.

  “Tell me,” Erika’s words began softly. She took a step forward to press her forehead against my shoulder.

  I inhaled the peppermint scent of her tresses. My arms flexed. I wanted to comfort her. Erika should’ve been a priority right then, though my mind still raced with images of Kasha. A door had opened this evening in the basement, one that had likely been swelling and bound to burst eventually. And right there, as I fought this new breed of demons, I had no choice but to own up to the fact: I was madly in love with Kasha Davies.

  “I’m sorry, Erika, I’ll be back.” I pulled away. My movements were swift and direct as I paced from the yard en route to my truck. The truck that should’ve been in the shop. This little lie was meant to afford me time with Kasha, just to talk and be near, since everything had seemed to force her away with all the wedding plans.

  A few seconds later, and I was pulling away from the curb. Kasha was a beacon, calling me to her. Her spark was a hope at the center of a dark world, rejuvenation for a man that had once been lost in the world. Yes, Erika was supposed to be my wife in the near future . . . maybe. But Kasha had accepted my friendship long before. When neither of us had actually given in knowingly, deep down inside, our souls had connected for the long haul.

  Erika was supposed to be my end-all, right?

  ~

  “Let me make you officially mine.” In saying those words one night after I’d seen Kasha out on a date, I realized that I couldn’t bring myself to believe in the phrase marrying someone. But I was with Erika. Over the years, I’d continued to hope. No. All hope was gone. I had to deal with what was here, in front of me, and real. I didn’t want to be a husband outside of taking care of Erika; didn’t want to have a wife. Maybe someday I might’ve gotten desperate enough. These were things I had no desire for yet. My mind, my will and my nature as a man made me believe that I should never cry over any woman. But I’d become broken over Kasha Davies.

  “First, I need to tell you something.” Erika nibbled the tip of my ear. Her elbows were pressed down on my chest and collarbone. I opened my eyes to the brightest stare to greet me in the longest time.

  “What could you possibly have to tell me?” I didn’t expect some radical confession or any kind of bull. The talking helped keep my mind off Kasha. It’s not that she was gone completely, just enough for me to relax.

  “Promise you’ll listen to me before you go off.” She sucked in the inner part of her lower lip, while the bright, wide-eyed girl sank away from me.

  I glanced at my clothes, tossed over by an empty chair next to the windows. Getting dressed seemed like the right thing to do before she went all deep confession on me, but the way she cowered made me think twice. So I tipped my head forward, giving her the go-ahead to say whatever she needed to.

  “I think Tony’s gonna come for me.” Her eyes teared up. She sat up straight in the middle of the bed.

  “Tony, your ex? Now, after all these years?” I was willing to let things die there. She didn’t owe me a damn thing, especially an explanation over her crazy ex.

  “You don’t understand. He’s not all there.”

  To help her get over the drama of speaking about someone I didn’t give a damn about, I drew her hands to my lips. She froze.

  “What are you telling me this for?”

  “He’s a psycho. You might’ve kicked his ass, but he’s not one to quit.”

  Figures I’d choose someone with issues like that. “I’m so confused because your frickin’ ex, who you shouldn’t have shit to do with is now a part of our conversation.”

  “I try to talk him down. Knox, I’m scared.” For someone that had just proved to be emotionally detached, specifically when I had made an effort to provide some type of comfort, she confused the hell out of me
. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

  This was unreal. I actually allowed myself to do something totally out of character, and wham—I end up with a situation, to say the least.

  Before I knew it, Erika became my problem. Not concern, but huge problem. Now the initial problem was becoming a problem again.

  “Apparently, my mother has been trying to track me down.”

  Mother?

  I don’t speak but am sure she saw my shock. This girl swore she had no one, much like me. She went on to tell me about family members that were close with Tony, and how deep their connections were.

  “I know it’ll be weird, but I need to get back in touch with my people, especially now that we’ll be making things official.”

  All I could think was what the hell did I just put myself in? Why didn’t she say something before and why didn’t I keep things as they were?

  I blamed it on one person; not Erika.

  Kasha Frickin’ Davies . . .

  ~

  Kasha

  ~

  My escape to the place Knox had helped me turn into a home didn’t fully register until I pulled into the driveway. When I’d pulled off, I wasn’t entirely sure of my direction. I only needed to put distance behind me, not just between us. I needed Knox to be a fading memory, not a lingering desire.

  My fingers gripped at the wheel. They ached as much as my poor, breaking heart. The world felt stifling, my circulation drifted away. The car that I loved so very much became unbearable, with the space contracting from every angle. Yet deep within, I felt empty, unsure to a large degree. Looking up to the moonlight that now surrounded my split-level house, I suddenly felt all alone. It hadn’t even been a problem before now, however. Behind the door of the fixer-upper I’d purchased with the help of Knox, the memories lived forever. He’d fronted the funds for me to buy the foreclosed home. We’d worked to make it a suitable home, together. Not since Florida had I relied on a guy this way. This was so not Florida though. How could I not have known then that I’d fallen in love with Knox? That he had become an extension of me? We operated as one unit, one body, one heart—

  BEEP.

  A car horn knocked me from my thoughts. I quickly swiped at my eyes. My shoulders slumped forward and head dipped to the wheel briefly. I clenched my fingers, breathing slowly and steadily. A couple of beads of sweat lingered across my forehead. I didn’t immediately see anyone, until a second later wide lights rolled the short distance up my driveway to stop behind the Jetta. Very few people visited me. There was no doubt as swift, heavy footsteps drew near. With each, I counted the echoes of my heartbeat in an attempt to slow the raging pace. I lowered my head, still not removing my hands from their clawed grip on the wheel. My breathing grew wilder for each second of anticipation. When a shadowed figure appeared at the driver’s side window, I moved my head slowly from one side to the next. There was no need to look up to confirm who it was. In fact, his electric force raced straight through the window.

  “Kash, open up.” Knox’s hand connected with the glass. The entire car shivered, reflecting the way my insides felt: frail. “I’m not going anywhere. Open up.” He had this ability to remain calm, even when others would lose their shit over things. Nothing fazed him. He’d repeatedly drop hints of his past, even claims to have experienced the life of a sixty-two-year-old. Yeah, each year this changed—at twenty-four it was a forty-two-year-old. I always listened, never offered much. My past had been buried away when I left Florida for Delaware, of all places. My woes had to be forgotten. But quite often, I’d see the far off look in his eyes. He sometimes wore the aura of someone that had been kicked, stomped and taken down to nothing all. I studied for this purpose, to sense these things as a therapist.

  Knox stopped moving around. He waited for me to respond. Every conversation, every look, every type of exchange flashed through my mind. He was inside my psyche, coursing through the very soul of who I’d become in this life. He wasn’t the type of man to do this sort of thing; not giving in and unraveling. I knew the type from a long time ago—just about five years.

  “I need you, Kasha. Damn, girl! Let me in. No one else knows me like you.” Outside of the few friends who’d ridden the dark world with him, I was the only person he’d truly invited into his life—not even Erika had been allowed so deep.

  My limbs turned to putty. I got weak for him, but I was too stubborn to give in without at least trying, right?

  “Kasha, if life has taught me anything, it’s been to take ahold of opportunities.”

  “Leave me alone, Knox. Go to . . .” I stopped mid-sentence only to begin again, this time whispering, “Go to Erika.” This was the first time I’d allowed her name to pass my lips. My stomach rattled and turned. “You belong to her. You’re marrying her.”

  “That’s the problem. I can’t marry Erika, I’m in love with you.”

  His confession was terrifying, though welcome all the same. Love wasn’t something I embraced because it could be a danger to the soul, even as it crushed the heart. I tried to keep my head forward; in fact, I remained still with my head tilted downward and hands still clutching at the wheel. Teardrops blurred my vision as they tumbled down one after the other.

  “Please leave, Knox,” I mumbled in a coarse tone.

  “I can’t,” he replied, placing his palms against my car window. For all the strength he’d always shown, Knox couldn’t hide his emotions this once. “I love you more than anything, more than anyone, I swear to you. Open up. Let me prove it. Open up, Kash.” He continued on in this way, while the tears kept soaking up my face and tee shirt.

  I lost count of how often or how many pleas he made. But he must’ve known that he had me. His declarations expanded my mind and sped up my heart. Not only had I fallen for an incredible guy, I’d apparently captured his heart over the years. And now, he was totally mesmerizing me with his words. Tiny sobs escaped through my lips. I tried to stop the flow. It was useless. I gripped the steering wheel and unlocked the door. Taking one final breath, I set aside my guard.

  Knox fell to his knees. His head found refuge in my lap. He wrapped his arms around my waist, squeezing as if he’d never let go. I melted against him. This was our place to be in the universe, meant for pure, unfiltered love. Under different circumstances and with anyone else, he would’ve held back. And at any other time, I would’ve refused to give in. Perhaps, just perhaps, if the universe had lined up this opportunity for Knox and me with anyone else, there would’ve been glitches. This sort of passion was meant to be: meant to be expressed, meant to be cultivated. Here we were, the center of each other’s worlds and finally willing to give in to the love that had been brewing for so long.

  ~

  Kasha

  ~

  Knox lifted me off the seat without a struggle or even breaking a sweat. I didn’t fade into him. Not yet. Things like this couldn’t be good for me, could they? My story wasn’t meant to end with me getting the guy, right?

  “Breathe,” he encouraged. Funny thing was, I hadn’t realized I’d been holding my breath.

  “Knox,” I cried out, flinging back my head. His arms were wrapped beneath me, so when he pulled tighter and gripped closer, the moment intensified. I burst out into heavier sobs. He maneuvered around the car only to kick it shut as he hustled to the door. Once inside, he stopped in the foyer. The entire house was dark and provided a chill.

  “I need to see you,” he demanded. He set me down, then directed my body away. His hands reached to a familiar area, just inside the entrance wall. The lights flooded the passageway, extending further into the home in an eerie type of way. My cries had subsided, though the reflection from the mirror showed streak marks from my lashes. Between the two of us, the silence echoed with exaggerated breaths and raging hearts, marked anticipation on the edge of explosion.

  I slowly ran my fingers across his face. I tipped up onto my toes, and drew down his mouth to meet mine. His tongue slid between my lips, only to dive d
eeper still. I sucked, enjoying the force of his thrusts. He was capable of burrowing in deep enough to make the neglected regions of my body quiver. Life could’ve ended right then, and it would’ve been the perfect death in the arms of a man I adored. I was ready to say yes to everything Knox would ever want, no matter the cost.

  “Knox. Knox.” His name became a tune to be worshipped.

  “Kash,” he replied. “Awww damn.”

  We worshipped this time, this moment, this new love that should have always been. With our hands, we explored with hope. With our lips, we tasted of the forbidden fruit. With our hearts, we said yes.

  Knox reached behind me. He lifted me up to his waist just before dropping to his knees, in the middle of the foyer. While his left hand balanced my slender frame, his fingers moved through my hair, across my jawline, and down my neck to stop at my breasts. His mouth then followed the trail to find my mounds, reaching just in time to take in the left-side nipple between his teeth.

  “Are you clean?” I asked, suddenly remembering his situation. “I am.”

  “Yeah, it’s somewhat complex with-with—”

  I shook from one end to the next. Neither of us moved or tried to smooth over the elephant in the room. Then he lowered his forehead onto my skin. His air tickled me, sending a fresh whisk extending out from my core to all regions. Gentle, moist kisses landed on my bare flesh.

  He gnawed.

  He suckled.

  “Ahhh . . .” I wiggled about, intimidated by the skill he used to claim me. My nipples had grown stiff and a flush of moisture seeped down my thighs. He was capable of pulling out things I simply wasn’t aware of; they must’ve been buried deep down in my soul.