Keeping Pace

by Dee Carney

  “Who was that?” he asked softly.

  I’d never seen him angry before, but I’d also never heard this level of calm in his voice. I suspected they went hand in hand. “My boss, Lou. I told you.”

  “You usually dress like that for your boss?”

  My breath caught as heat licked my cheeks. “That’s not fair. You know he got us out of bed. I didn’t know it was him when I came down.”

  Josh ignored my logic. “And you told him you didn’t have any plans. Not even the plan for going to the museum with me today?” After setting the mug down again, he folded his arms over his chest. “How are we related?” he mocked. That even-keeled voice had frozen over.

  “Don’t do this. Don’t make it—”

  “Why didn’t you set him straight? Why didn’t you tell him what I am to you?”

  His rapid-fire interrogation unnerved me, and I didn’t know how to react. To be surprised or to be angry. To understand his viewpoint or to dismiss it.

  “Because I don’t know what you are to me. We’re having fun—”

  “Is that what you think? Is this it really?” His green eyes narrowed, and I felt him take an emotional step back. His voice flattened. “I’m your boy toy, is that it?”

  I reined in all of my emotion. If Josh saw or felt the combined anger and fear in me, this argument would never find an end. “Lou came to tell me about a job.” I took a tentative step forward, wanting with every breath in me to walk into Josh’s arms, yet knowing if I did so right now, he’d retreat and never return. “He wants me to consider another position with the district. A promotion.”

  We stood facing each other in silence for so long I wasn’t sure he was listening to me. Water dripped from the ends of his hair onto the black Soulless T-shirt he wore. I don’t know which was worse: the way he’d peppered me with questions and unspoken accusation, or watching those damned drops darken that shirt. For every second that passed, as the circle of moisture grew, I felt him withdraw.

  “I overheard the last part. The part about you two becoming an item—again, it seems.”

  “That was his idea. Not mine.”

  He pushed an agitated hand through his hair. “I don’t care that he brought it up. I do care that you didn’t tell him you’re already spoken for. That you have me.”

  “Josh—”

  “And I walked in, giving you an opening. A way to explain why you wouldn’t pursue a relationship with him, and you didn’t take it.” Josh rushed forward, grabbing my shoulders. His eyes searched mine. Pleaded with me. “Fuck, Regina… I’m left standing, wondering why I’m even here.”

  I didn’t know how to answer him. What words would placate his tumultuous feelings? My hesitation must have lasted too long. His voice resigned, he said, “I’m going to run a few errands and probably go catch that exhibit.” The one he’d asked me to see with him. The one I’d avoided. “I’ll see you later.”

  After he dropped his hands, my arms stung with the memory of his grip. Still, I didn’t move as he walked away from me. Only when I heard the front door opening and shutting a few minutes later did it occur to me he’d left me alone.

  Chapter Nine

  Josh didn’t come back the rest of the day, and I missed him fiercely. Every time I went to call his cell phone, I tried to think of what I would say, and nothing came to me.

  Lou was no threat to him. Not even by a long shot. That ship had sailed, and I wasn’t on it. On Monday I’d let Lou down in no uncertain terms, but Josh wouldn’t be there to hear that part. He’d left knowing I hadn’t claimed him when I should have.

  While I wanted to apologize to him, at the same time I questioned why I should. Could I help it that I remained uncertain about our relationship? We had sex—lots and lots of sex—and we talked. We shared our days and often our dreams. But I felt as if we were missing something between us. Some undefined thing that solidified our relationship into something more.

  I’d allowed myself to enjoy him, knowing we’d never make it a serious romance. I’d wanted to have fun and that was all this was supposed to be. Harmless fun.

  The day dragged on, thoughts of Josh plaguing me all the while. I tried to tell myself that we needed this break, and it would be better for us in the long run. From almost the first day, we’d been attached at the hip, and that couldn’t be healthy. But when I’d climbed into bed that night, the sheets smelling of him, the empty feeling in my belly intensified. How silly was that? After a single day away from him, I felt more alone than I had in a very long time. Only the fact he’d still left me with his usual gift of two roses propped against the back door dulled my sadness somewhat.

  The sound of the doorbell followed by insistent knocking woke me. “Are you shitting me?” I mumbled as I glanced at the clock. It was somewhere around o’dark-thirty, and someone wanted me? Now?

  Still grumbling, I didn’t bother with the robe over my cotton nightgown. Someone had better be dead or dying to have woken me up at this hour. Falling asleep without Josh next to me had taken a small miracle, and a curse on the person who got me up before the sun rose on a weekend.

  Blinking away grit, I peered through the peephole, trying to get my swimming vision to focus. I swore it looked like Josh on the other side of the door, but it had to be some sort of wish fulfillment.

  I unlocked the door and pulled it open. “Josh? Is something wrong?”

  “Hey.” Finger-combed hair and a light smattering of stubble along his jaw suggested hastiness to come over here.

  My pounding heart raced harder as I studied him. What once was adrenaline from being startled awake, slowly, subtly shifted into powerful surges of excitement caused now from just the sight of this man. I only had to look into his smoky eyes, still drowsy soft, and my heart found a new beat.

  “Hey yourself,” I replied.

  “I wasn’t sure if our sunrise date was still on, Mrs. Pace, so I took a chance.”

  I frowned. “Our sunrise…” It took me a minute to recall, but then I remembered the other night when I’d been suffering from insomnia. The date he’d asked for. I smiled. “I’d like it if we’re still on.”

  He wore a pair of gray sweatpants with another T-shirt from his collection. This one was a little snug, the cotton stretching over his form until the definition drew my attention from the rest of him. I loved looking at him and would gladly pay dear money to cop a feel or two while I did so. Once again I had to question why God smiled down on me with Josh. Whatever the reason, I was grateful.

  He moved as if to step over the threshold but stopped himself. The look he gave me wanted to know if the argument was still on. I stepped back, making room for him and letting him know it certainly was not.

  Despite my feelings, the atmosphere around us was awkward. Neither of us spoke as if afraid one word would ruin the mood and we’d go back to the subject that had separated us in the first place. I’m still not sure who owed an apology to whom, or more importantly, if one was even necessary. I’d hurt his ego, but he’d also hurt mine.

  He probably would have been comforted if we discussed Lou and my non-existent relationship with him. The threat Josh saw there didn’t exist. At least, I didn’t think so. Lou had been relegated to the friend role, and it would take a small miracle to push him out of it. The sense of security Lou gave me wasn’t about love, but loyalty. Josh would see that with time, once he set aside his male pride.

  “Want me to get the coffee started?” he asked, pulling me out of reverie. “We have a few minutes yet.”

  “That would be lovely, thanks. And Josh…” An apology teetered on the tip of my tongue, but it righted, staying inside.

  He turned. “Hmm?”

  We’d stopped outside the kitchen. “I’m looking forward to this.”

  Josh studied my face, which probably wasn’t the best he’d ever seen it. I felt bleary-eyed still, and if he wasn’t here, would have turned back to bed. Heck, I still wanted to head upstairs, but we dated so rarely. As if he’d read
my mind, he said, “Let’s go out on a real date, Regina. You and me.”

  A bubble of panic hit my belly. He didn’t need to see my reaction, so I started toward the kitchen again. “I like our dates the way they are.”

  “You don’t get tired of being at home all the time?”

  “It’s the life I’ve become accustomed to. Being out in crowds, around other people…” I shrugged. “It just doesn’t appeal to me anymore.”

  We both moved through the kitchen as if part of a choreographed dance, maneuvering around each other without any awkwardness or bumping body parts. Somehow in a few short weeks Josh had become enmeshed into my world. On some level, that bothered me. On another, it left me euphoric.

  “But that was when you were alone. You have me now.”

  I kept my gaze on the filling carafe, my back to him. “Do I?”

  Warm arms embraced me from behind, and his breath brushed my ear. “Yeah, you do.” He slipped away only moments later, before I could relax into his hold. “We’re going to miss it if we don’t move it. The sunrise won’t wait for us.”

  I nodded my agreement and went to work pouring creamer and sugar into my cup. Josh’s cup sat waiting on the coffee. As I reached for the carafe, it struck me that I now thought of the mug with the little chip on the handle as his cup. It was the one he reached for in the mornings, and somehow along the way, I’d associated it with him. Most of the items in the kitchen were bought by me, long before I’d met Josh, but I recognized going forward, at least one cup belonged to him. What else in this house had I assigned to the man I was sleeping with?

  The thought still plagued me when I flicked on the light just outside the door, illuminating a small portion of the deck. Outside, the morning air was cooler than usual. I breathed it in deeply, letting it whisk away the last trace of sleep still in my system. More of nature’s green smell greeted my senses. A few early risers chirped, and I tried to locate the birds in the darkness.

  The deck was slick with dew, but it felt good beneath my bare toes and the fingers I ran along the banister. Behind me, the wood creaked from Josh’s steps, but even that noise didn’t break the serenity surrounding us. There was a stillness to the neighborhood that insisted on quiet whispers, on hushed reverence. It felt like we were intruders into this solitude.

  “It’s so beautiful out,” I whispered to Josh.

  Taking a sip of coffee, I turned to catch his reply, then realized he wasn’t focused on our surroundings but on me. “How do you do that?”

  I blinked. “Do what?”

  “Look so amazing all the time.”

  My hand flew to my flyaway hair, rushing to tuck it into place. His compliment shouldn’t have made me feel so self-conscious, but I was all too aware of my puffy, sleepy-lidded eyes. “Cut it out.”

  “Seriously.” His whispered words held a measure of heat in them. “You’ve got this look… This sultry, seductive, come-hither look.”

  “You’re just horny.”

  His startled chuckle pierced the air until I shushed him. “You make me that way.”

  “Hush.” We were still supposed to be at least miffed at each other. He wasn’t supposed to make me smile and blush so easily, so soon afterward. “You’re harshing my mellow.”

  His lips were still curved in a sexy grin. “I wouldn’t want to do that.”

  My heart tripped at the sight, and I had to turn and face the view to keep from giving in to impulse. “We’re supposed to be watching the sun rise, Josh.”

  “Okay.”

  His simple reply should have sent warnings firing to my brain. Instead I took him at face value, breath held while waiting for the sun. As I stood there, sipping my coffee between deep inhalations of the fresh air, I couldn’t help but think about Josh and where we were headed. This was not a romance between us, even after all this time, but what name to put to it?

  Positioning himself behind me, Josh put his cup beside mine on the railing. I leaned back and, as I expected, came into contact with his body. Resting my head against his shoulder seemed to take the weight of the world away from me. I inhaled the scent of his cologne, the coffee and the morning air, and wanted to capture it to stow away forever.

  “Whose idea was this again?” I murmured.

  “Mine, I think.”

  Eyes closed, I released a sigh. “Thank you.”

  “No, thank you.”

  My brow furrowed at his inflection, but I still blamed the early hour for my lack of understanding. The moment his large hands slid against the skin of my thighs, my morning drowsiness melted into sexual awareness. “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing. Keep watching the horizon.”

  But the way his fingers stroked up and down my thighs could not be considered “nothing”. His touch made my flesh break out in goose bumps and my heart pound harder. He massaged down my legs and back up, not missing the swell of my buttocks or my lower back. My eyes closed of their own volition, while I enjoyed the sensation he elicited.

  “Are you still watching?” he asked, his voice husky.

  I moaned in response.

  My simple cotton nightgown was lifted, Josh’s hands finding the waist of my panties beneath. I did a quick mental recall of their state, thankful I hadn’t chosen to wear one of my more conservative pairs during his absence. These were simple cotton panties, high in the thigh, a soft pink color and, most importantly, flattering.

  “Pretty in pink,” he whispered.

  Suddenly I remembered where we were and the potential consequences of what he was doing. Since the deck was elevated enough to allow me to view into others’ backyards, a person standing at the right height might be able to spy on us.

  I couldn’t get my hands on his fast enough. Trying to wrestle them away, I scanned the neighborhood houses. The sun was only minutes away from peeking over the horizon, its presence casting a hazy orange light. “Josh, someone might see.”

  “No one will see. I promise.”

  “But—”

  “Trust me. I won’t let anyone see.” His fingers curled into the material of my panties. “It’s too early. Barely enough light to see by.” Soon the material peeled away from my body. “Just you and me, out here enjoying the morning.”

  His foot nudged mine, a silent command to widen my stance. Unthinking, I followed his guidance with two short sidesteps.

  He moved quickly, pulling my panties down until they dropped at my feet. I shivered when I stepped out of them, decadence wrapping around me. I was overwhelmed by the knowledge that beneath my nightgown, I stood nude.

  “Keep your eyes on the horizon, Gina. Watch the sun.” He stood against me, pulling me tight against him. With one arm draped across my waist, holding me so tight, the other hand went between my legs. “Remember asking me what my fantasy was?”

  “Yeah.” My jaw brushed his as I spoke.

  “I want to make love to you outdoors. Out here. Like this.”

  His choice of words yanked me out of my arousal-induced haze. Make love. Josh and I had never made love. We couldn’t make love. To do so meant we had to be in love. We had sex, or we fucked. I couldn’t accept anything else.

  Before I had a chance to stop him or at least redirect his thoughts, Josh brought his fingers to my mouth. “Wet them for me.”

  I pulled them inside, already tasting some of my arousal. My tongue swirled around his two fingers, and I applied suction. In my mind, it was his cock that I pleasured. Through my actions, Josh would know the depth of my lust—not love—for him.

  He withdrew them long before I’d had my fill, delving between my legs to find my swollen clit. His touch was light and unhurried as he rubbed lazy circles on me.

  Anyone who chose then to look up would see Josh standing behind me, while I stood stock-still, my teeth biting into my bottom lip. We were situated closely enough together that the motion of his hand would go unnoticed. My nightgown covered our actions.

  Soon, I was so very wet. So very aroused. I needed him
inside me, and Josh sensed that need.

  Making my position ready for him, I bent forward, just enough so he’d be angled perfectly. I heard the sound of foil tearing, and then he was pushing inside me, inch by teasing inch filling me in slow strokes. I felt his sweatpants brush against me; I knew the feel of his shirt against my back. The idea of us being intimate while practically still clothed, on display for any and everyone, left me shuddering.

  Josh drove into me, faster and faster and made the world disappear until there was nothing around us. Nothing there but the two of us connected by this act. Finding fulfillment in each other.

  “The sun,” he gasped. “Watch the sun.”

  It crested the horizon at the same moment I was forced to close my eyes. An orgasm washed over me in those seconds, and it took everything within me not to cry out against the pleasure. A strangled noise fought its way out of my throat, and I tried to hold it back but failed. I needed to let Josh know I couldn’t take anymore, that I was shattered beneath the weight of ecstasy, but then Josh put his head next to mine. He groaned a long, breathy sound, his body jerking behind me. When at last he went still, he clung to me as if being inside me still kept him upright.

  Together we caught our breaths, panting for air, taking in the sunrise.

  Chapter Ten

  By the time I strolled into my office on Monday morning, I honestly could say I hadn’t given Lou, the promotion or his proposal another thought all weekend. Josh and I had slept in after our morning tryst, and when we finally rose, I’d felt domestic. Together we’d made homemade cinnamon rolls from a recipe I’d inherited from my grandmother. After they were done, we’d eaten more than should be allowed by law. Reading the newspaper together, in between watching bad sci-fi on television, seemed the perfect way to finish our Sunday.

  “Good morning, Linda.” I stopped by her desk and retrieved some documents that needed my signature.