Keeping Pace

by Dee Carney

“One of these days you’ll bring him by, or at least invite us over to meet him,” she replied.

  I smiled, not bothering to tease her with a response, but my heart did a little backflip when I thought about Josh. I’d left him curled up in bed, and before I’d left, I watched him, once again marveling at his youth. I don’t know if it was something I would ever get over.

  “Lou’s looking for you, by the way.”

  I frowned. “Already? When did he get here?”

  “With the newspaper boy, I think.”

  “Did he say what he wanted?”

  “No, but…” She glanced around her before leaning closer. “I wanted to ask you about that. What’s going on with him and Beth?”

  That question flummoxed me. “What have you heard?” With the way I interrogated her this morning, I felt like a reporter.

  “Nothing concrete. They’ve just been very chummy lately. If it was after her promotion, I’d say it was about her new job, but it was before then, so…” Linda shrugged as if to say something hinky’s going on here.

  My frown deepened. I didn’t want to engage in office gossip—okay, yes I did. I wanted whatever scoop Linda had on Lou and Beth.

  Then again, Lou was supposed to be my friend. If there was anything going on I needed to know about, he’d tell me. Anything I didn’t need to know about just wasn’t my business.

  But for his sake, I’d keep an ear out. Just in case.

  “I’ll give him a call after I’ve settled in. If it’s anything important, I’m sure he’ll find me.” I started to walk away but then turned back. “And Linda, you’ll let me know anything you know, right?”

  “Naturally.”

  I mentally fist pumped the air. All right.

  Time flew by, once again forcing me to push Lou out of my mind for the morning. While most of my projects were in the final stages, it seemed everything demanded my attention at once. Not for anything major, but for little details intent on driving me over the edge. By the time I stormed away from my desk to grab another cup of coffee, if for nothing else than to step away from the mundaneness, I thought seriously about leaving for the day. Until I realized it wasn’t even noon.

  Counting to ten and exhaling slowly helped calm my growing agitation as I made my way to the community coffee. Then I saw only dregs were left behind in the carafe. “Who drank the last of the coffee and didn’t make a new pot?”

  I swear I was growling by the time I got a new pot going. Lou walked in, in time to listen to me grinding my teeth.

  “Whoa, you okay there?”

  “Just little things annoying me.” I continued where I’d left off, counting from ten to twenty slowly, and tried to push out my frustration.

  “Well, at the risk of annoying you even further, have you had a chance to think about what we discussed?”

  The only things swirling through my mind were overextended budgets, failed marketing plans and missed deadlines. “Remind me, what did we discuss?”

  Lou did a quick survey of the room. We were alone, and that seemed to put him at ease. “The job opportunity…and the consequences of taking it.”

  Internally, I groaned. This wasn’t what I wanted to discuss. Not even by a long shot. Lou couldn’t have picked worse timing if he’d tried. “Lou—”

  “Wait. Before you say anything, I want to tell you what I didn’t get to finish on Saturday.” He didn’t say it, but I knew he was thinking about Josh. I never did explain his relationship to me while Lou had been in my house. “But first, tell me what it is you need.”

  “What I need?” I blinked in surprise.

  “After Patrick passed, the timing wasn’t right for us. Have you ever thought about why that was?”

  I fought the urge to mention the bad sex. “I guess I needed a shoulder to cry on, and you were very kind to me.”

  “Don’t make me sound like I took advantage of you.”

  “That’s not what I meant at all. I meant that I wasn’t looking for a replacement for Patrick. I needed a friend, and that’s what you were.”

  “But what about now? Do you still feel like you don’t need a husband?” He took a step closer to me. “That you’re really better off alone?”

  “No one wants to be alone.”

  “Yet you choose to.”

  My heart pounded. If Josh could overhear any part of this conversation, and if he could see my reluctance to tell Lou about him, I would lose him for good. But Josh wasn’t here, and I didn’t feel obligated to let Lou in on my personal life. “You don’t know that.”

  “I do know, and it’s frustrating as all hell.”

  We stood staring at each other, and I still wasn’t sure where this conversation was headed. “What do you want from me?”

  His gaze shifted away from me for a second. “I’m a divorced forty-four-year-old man with no kids. No family. I’m tired of going home to an empty house every night. Aren’t you?”

  Tell him, some part of my consciousness screamed at me. “I’m content with my life the way it is.”

  “Don’t lie to me. I deserve better than that.” Lou put his hand beneath my chin, tilting my face toward his. “You want children. You want a family. It’s not too late for that.”

  Once I’d seen a documentary on open-heart surgeries. Right before the surgeon wrapped his hand around the heart to get it going again, it laid there quivering as if unsure what to do. I visualized that in my chest now. A quaking heart indecisive as to whether to keep beating or to burst from exhaustion. Even my throat felt too tight. I had to swallow several times to force the words out of me.

  “Yes.” It came out as a hiss in my effort to keep my trembling voice low. “I want children. I want a family.”

  “Then let me give them to you.” I think my poor, poor heart stopped. Clearly I didn’t hide my surprise well, because Lou added, “We’re a good couple. I like you, and you like me. We’re friends—”

  “Liking isn’t enough. Friendship isn’t enough. I need love.”

  “And you’re willing to wait until you find it? How long will that take?”

  “I—I don’t know…”

  “Until you’re too old to have children? Until he’s too old to make love to you the way you deserve?”

  “Don’t make us sound as if we’re one pinkie toe out of the grave, Lou.” I tried to laugh, but the sound that escaped sounded sorrowful.

  “If you don’t want to get married, I can accept that, but let’s both of us stop being lonely.”

  “Why are you doing this? Where is this coming from?”

  I would have given my eyeteeth for anyone to have walked in right now and put an abrupt halt to this conversation. Lou must have no longer cared about being seen by others. Before I recognized his intentions, he brushed my mouth in an almost chaste kiss. He said gently, “Take the promotion, Regina.”

  My mouth fell open, my brain buzzing with trying to come up with a politically correct response balanced by indignation, heavily doused with some way to salvage our friendship. Lou walked away during my stupor.

  I went back to my desk and sat down hard. I vaguely recalled I’d wanted another cup of coffee and that I had a million little things to do. But I couldn’t get Lou’s words out of my mind. I liked him—a lot. Until now, though, I’d conveniently placed him in a little box labeled “friend”. Was it fair that I’d put him there without really giving him a chance?

  Lou was astonishingly attractive and an absolute charmer. We’d known each other for almost ten years. We got along well and had at least a few things in common.

  I’d given up on the idea of having a child. At my age, there would be at least a few risks involved, but to have him dangle that in front of me was both cruel and yet mind-blowing, in a good way.

  What I’d said about love was true. I wouldn’t settle for any man…but when Lou’d countered with not necessarily wanting marriage, he’d broken through my defenses. Until that moment, I hadn’t been aware of the depths of my loneliness. Not really.<
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  A child. The possibility seemed surreal.

  Our conversation still echoed through my mind by the time I got home. After I stepped through the front door, my stomach began to rumble as the smell of cooked food hit me. For a split second I wondered if I’d stepped into the wrong house by accident, but then I recalled giving Josh a key. As much as I’d liked our sunrise date, if he wanted to come over in the middle of the night—if he wasn’t already there for some reason—I didn’t want the doorbell to shatter my slumber. I knew he’d still spend most of his time at his parents’ house, but I liked the idea of him being able to come and go into mine.

  After rifling through the mail he’d been thoughtful enough to leave waiting at the decorative table by the door, I made my way toward the appetizing aromas. He stuck his head into the hall, beating me. “Hey, good timing,” he said with a welcoming smile.

  “Hey yourself. What smells so good?”

  He placed a plate of cooked hamburger patties on the table. Already resting there were plates of sliced cheese, tomatoes and lettuce. Another plate of crinkly fries sat beside those. They were the kind bought in bags at the grocery store, but the sight of them made my mouth water. “Just finished grilling dinner.”

  I smiled, sitting before the place setting closest to me. “Good looks and he cooks too? What did I do to deserve all this?”

  He laughed and sat opposite me. “I’m not much of a cook, so you might want to reserve your praise. Besides, I wanted to celebrate.”

  I poured wine into both empty glasses. “Then tell me what we’re celebrating.”

  The smile on his face, the way his eyes shone, were telltale enough. “I finished my dissertation today.”

  “Josh, that’s amazing!” I stood and gave him the kiss I should have greeted him with already. “I’m so proud of you.”

  “It’s only the first draft, and I still have a little research I need to do, but for the most part, I think it’s done. More than two years of work, finally wrapped up.”

  For the rest of dinner, he explained the rest of the process to me. I listened to how he needed to get his advisor’s approval to present the paper to his dissertation committee. He would also be expected to defend it before them, and if he was successful, at that point he’d be considered done. Once the official paperwork went through at the end of the semester, Joshua Smith would be awarded a PhD. The process sounded long and antiquated but the same one everyone had to go through.

  I was so very proud of him. He’d done in his twenty-six years what I’d said I’d do and never had. I might have experience to rely on, but Josh would have a degree no one would ever be able to take away from him.

  That made me wonder, though. What would happen when he was done, with nothing left to keep him here? I already knew about the corporations vying for him. Some of them had already suggested very lucrative salaries, should he decide to work for them. Most of the offers came from out of state, however. He still hadn’t decided which job offers he considered seriously and which were pipe dreams.

  We’d also never discussed the future of us.

  Later, when I watched him go into the bathroom to throw away the condom, I realized that no matter how I tried to twist it in my mind, we didn’t have a future. The simple act of disposing the barrier that kept his semen from reaching my womb had come to mean Josh also disposed of the potential children I’d started to crave again. Every time we had sex, we did it for the pleasure and sometimes to feel close to one another.

  If I had a relationship with Lou, for a while at least, any time we’d have sex it would be with the hopes of starting a life inside me.

  “Are you okay?” Josh slipped beside me in bed again, cocooning me with his body.

  Internally I trembled with the urge to ask him about where we were headed as a couple, but equally I trembled in fear of his answer. “Just a lot on my mind.”

  “You seemed a little distant tonight. Anything I can help with?”

  “I’m sorry. I hadn’t meant to be.”

  “No, I understand. With that job offer over your head and all. You never did tell me if you’re planning on taking it.”

  The job couldn’t have been further from my mind. “It would mean an increase in pay.”

  “And you’d be your friend’s peer.”

  I glanced into his face, startled by the vehemence in his voice. “Josh—”

  “Let’s go on a date, Regina. Out of the house.”

  The quick change in topic made me dizzy. “We’ve…there’s…why?”

  “Because sometimes I feel like you’re hiding me away from the rest of the world. I haven’t met any of your friends; you don’t know any of mine. Let’s start dating, like a regular couple. Let’s do couple-like things.”

  “But we are a regular couple. We have more sex than anyone I know.” Lots and lots of glorious sex.

  “And I hope that never changes, but we need to do other things too. There’s more to being a couple than just having sex.”

  It was hard to think about other couple-like activities with his naked body draped across mine. We were still overheated from the romp, the scent of sexual musk surrounding us. Between my thighs ached with that wonderful well-used feeling that followed being with him. “I like what we’re doing, the way things are…”

  “Are you ashamed of being seen with me?”

  “What? No!” I shook my head forcefully. “Never.”

  “Then let’s go on a date. That’s all I’m asking for. A date.”

  I didn’t want the world to intrude on us, but the sincerity in his voice meant this was important to him. A knot twisted in my stomach, but I finally nodded. “Sure…of course.”

  Josh rewarded my response with a kiss, but I still wasn’t entirely sure any good would come of my decision. I wanted to keep us away from the rest of the world, not because I was ashamed of being seen with him, but because I didn’t think the rest of the world would understand. The world outside the house’s doors couldn’t understand, because I hardly did.

  Chapter Eleven

  Josh refused to spend the night with me Friday. His simple joy about going on our first real date was awe-inspiring. He insisted “doing it right” meant picking me up at my front door the following afternoon. Simply walking downstairs with me wouldn’t do.

  Wanting to keep our destination a surprise, the only thing he would tell me was to dress for outdoor weather. A little tormenting during oral sex made him divulge that I should also dress casually. Not even the promise of sex outdoors again would get him to say anything more.

  Lou had left me alone for the most part during the week, both of us too busy to do more than wave hello. Even after the weekly staff meeting, we managed to avoid alone-time together. Thank goodness. As far as a decision, I think I leaned toward just enjoying my time with Josh but was afraid if Lou offered to father a child for me again, my resistance would fail.

  Josh, who still had his entire life ahead of him, couldn’t offer me the same, no matter how much I wanted it. I don’t know that I would accept it from him, either. He deserved more, with someone closer to his own age.

  Today I’d just tied my hair into a ponytail when the doorbell rang. Smoothing my hand over my sundress, I gave myself one last approving glance in the mirror before trotting down the stairs. I opened the door to Josh wearing a baseball cap, a matching team jersey and jeans. His first reaction upon seeing me was to give me a kiss that made my toes curl. “Gorgeous, as always,” he said afterward with a smile.

  “You’re not doing so bad yourself.” I studied his shirt. “Hawks are the college team, right?”

  “Yep.”

  “Is that where we’re going today?”

  “Maybe.”

  I wore a smile on the outside, but inside I was backpedaling. A baseball game? Not that I had anything against sports; I just wasn’t into them. For all the talking we did, it never occurred to me that he might enjoy them. He perused the sports pages with as much attention as he di
d the business section of the paper. I suppose that might have been one clue.

  He drove his Range Rover into the city, a pleasant forty-five minute trip. There we parked in a garage and took the train to the stadium. Josh kept me close to him the entire time, either by holding my hand or resting his hand on the small of my back. The world I’d come to believe wouldn’t understand about us disappeared beneath his touching. I blocked all of it out to focus on him, and marveled that Josh had the ability to make me do that.

  I still felt a little out of place as we crossed the street to stand in line at the entrance gates. Sports weren’t my thing at all. I wouldn’t admit to Josh that I was the stereotypical female who watched the game to check out men’s butts, but that was the truth. I didn’t expect to have a good time, although I tried to keep up appearances.

  “Josh! Is that you? Josh!”

  We hadn’t gone inside yet, and both of us turned, trying to locate the caller in the crowd.

  “Over here!” A pair of arms waved frantically, six or seven people deep behind us.

  Josh’s face split into a grin as he apparently recognized the person still bellowing at him. “Hey Neil, long time no see!”

  His fingers entwined with mine before Josh pulled me to the side, out of the way of the pushing crowd. A young man about Josh’s age shoved forward, trailed by two women who might have been just a little bit younger than he. Neil was tall and thin, the notable feature about him being the well-groomed beard outlining his jaw. Josh dropped my hand to do one of those man-hugs with him where they shook but then bumped shoulders at the same time.

  “Dude, it’s been like four years or so, right?”

  Josh grinned. “Yeah, undergrad. How you been?”

  “Just chillin’, but hey, meet my friends Rayanne and Donna.”

  Rayanne was a cute bleach-blonde with pretty green eyes. She had a dimple in her chin and an easy smile. Her white tank top hid a pair of breasts that defied gravity along with the help of a burgundy-colored bra. I knew the color of the bra because no effort had been made to tuck the straps out of sight. She rounded out the ensemble with a pair of denim cut-offs and a pair of adorable flip-flops. Toenails covered in bright pink polish shone in the sunlight.