Hannah (The Hawthorne Sisters)

by Ava Catori

  “I wasn’t saying no,” she started softly. “I do see a future with you. I want to be your wife.”

  He searched her eyes.

  “Bryce, you feel like home. I’m just dizzy from how fast things are changing. I want to get married one day, but I’m afraid of moving too fast.”

  “If you’ll wear my ring, I don’t care if it takes you ten years to walk down the aisle. Just tell me that you’ll be mine.”

  She nodded. “It won’t be ten years.”

  He opened the box, took out the ring, and tried again. “Hannah, will you marry me?”

  “Yes, Bryce. Yes, I’ll marry you.” She held out her hand, and let him slide the ring onto her finger.

  She thought it would feel different. She thought she’d be jumping for joy. She was happy and knew Bryce was the man she wanted in her life, but something felt off. It was the intimacy they’d shared before, the kindle they sparked; while there was warmth and tenderness, the passion was missing since the barn incident.

  She needed to know one thing. Taking his hand, she led him back to his bedroom.

  He was shocked. “Are you sure about this?”

  “Yeah, actually, I am.” She needed to know if when he touched her that way, it would reignite what they’d shared earlier in the relationship.

  “You don’t have to do this.”

  “I want to.”

  “I’ll wait for you.”

  “I miss our intimacy,” she finally whispered. “I need to feel it again.”

  He took her in his arms and slowly led her into a gentle sway, a dance for lovers. “My sweet Hannah, we can get that back in other ways. Don’t rush this. Let’s save it for when you’re truly ready.”

  She nodded. He was right. She was trying to prove something to herself, but as he touched her, his hands sliding over her back, gently moving with her body, she knew it would be enough. Stopping for a moment, he moved his hands to her face, cupping it gently, and kissed her. “I miss you, too,” he whispered. “I miss moments like this.”

  Their kiss was tender and soft. As she parted her lips, letting him in, their mouths met with a hunger they hadn’t felt in a while. She recognized his kiss, and knew it would be okay. She hated that at the moment he asked her to marry him, she didn’t respond right away. Hannah didn’t mean to hurt him. What they had, she wanted it back. She’d missed the feeling that was now surging through her veins. This was what she needed. She was one again with the man she loved.

  Bryce moved to the edge of the bed and sat on it, pulling her onto his lap. Their kisses grew sweeter, hotter, and more passionate. Hannah turned, and kneeled over his lap. His hands grasped her bottom and pulled her closer. Hannah’s hands raked through Bryce’s hair, and as their mouths shared in a heated moment, their bodies clung together, holding on to one another.

  It was too dangerous to remain here. Bryce was afraid he’d want more. His body was stirring below, and with Hannah on top of him like this, even still wearing her clothing, he ached to touch her naked skin.

  Bryce’s mouth moved from her sweet lips down to her neck. Brushing his lips against her skin, Hannah threw back her head, enjoying the sensual tingling on her skin. Suckling her neck, his hot breath on her skin, Hannah felt her arousal grow. This was getting dangerous. She wanted to undress, wanted to climb under the covers with him, and wanted to take things further than they’d ever gone before.

  He sensed it too, knowing they were teetering on the edge of temptation. “Why don’t we go in the other room?”

  “Right, good idea,” she said, relieved he’d suggested it. She was certain she’d be making love to him in moments if they didn’t break apart now. Heading out to the living room, Bryce shifted himself, his erection reminding him how close they were coming to the fire. Not yet. He wanted her to be sure, and he’d gladly wait.

  The couple sat next to one another, unable to look away. Their gaze spoke of the chemistry between them again, and Hannah knew their intimacy would be okay. “I’m sorry I took so long to answer.”

  “You don’t need to apologize. I just want you to be certain this is what you want.”

  “More than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

  Bryce squeezed her hand. “You’ve made me the happiest man in the world.”

  “I hope I can make you even happier when I’m your wife.”

  “If it feels anything like this, then I’d say I’ve already won.”

  “You’re a good man, Bryce.”

  He smiled and wrapped his arm around his future bride.

  Driving back home, Hannah’s mind drifted to the events of the day. It’s not like she expected some romantic gesture like she’d seen in the movies; it’s just that it seemed so sudden. They’d only been getting to know each other this past year, with some bumps along the way. Why was he in a hurry? Why had she said yes? Was it so she didn’t hurt his feelings, or did she really want to get married? She loved Bryce – she didn’t question that one bit, but getting engaged so soon? Would babies follow behind it? She wasn’t sure she was ready to grow up that fast.

  Marriage and a family was something she knew she wanted someday, but now? Of course, it made sense for Bryce. He was in his thirties, ready to settle down and have children. But only being in her early twenties, there was so much more she wanted to do before marriage.

  And yet, when she made a list of things she wanted to do, it stalled. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, there wasn’t one thing on that list she couldn’t do with a husband by her side. The thought of losing Bryce was heartbreaking. She wouldn’t walk away from him, that was certain, but his proposal caught her off guard.

  Hannah stared at the ring on her finger, mesmerized. She touched it, running her finger lightly over the diamond, knowing what it represented. It meant a life with Bryce, being his wife, the mother to his children one day, and moving into his home. Was she ready for all of that? He said he’d move slowly, but how slowly did she want to go? What difference did it make if they started life together this month or next year?

  Closing her eyes, she remembered his kisses and how she wanted so much more. There was nobody that had given her those kinds of feelings inside. This was special. So why was she lingering on the topic of marriage? She knew he’d make a wonderful husband. What more could she ask for, right?

  What was bothering her so much? She’d slipped her hand into her pocket when she walked in, not wanting her mother to see. She wasn’t ready to talk about it. Shouldn’t she be jumping up and down, sharing the news with the rest of the world? Why was she embarrassed to admit they were moving quicker than expected?

  Was it all the crap she’d given Allie for moving so fast in her own relationships? Thinking of Allie, she realized she hadn’t talked to her in a while. She was glad she’d be there for Thanksgiving, and then they’d finally have a chance to get to know Richard better.

  Should they announce their engagement at Thanksgiving? Should she tell them sooner? Was she ready to share the news? What was it that made her so damn nervous about the conversation? What if they told her she was foolish for wanting to marry an older man? What if they thought she was silly for accepting his proposal so soon? Why does it matter what they think? Hannah’s thoughts jumped from one to the next faster than she could keep up with. Anxiety – it was covering her like webbing she couldn’t escape.

  What was she afraid of? Bryce made her feel special. She loved being around him, and felt safe in his arms. Only when she admitted the truth to herself, she realized she still felt like a child. She lived at home with her mother, had very little life experience other than working on the farm and going to school, and suddenly she felt like a fraud. What if who he thought he was marrying, wasn’t truly what he was getting?

  He saw her as strong, independent, and capable. Sure, that was true at home, where she had to take over after her father’s death…but having to run her own home? Having to be an adult all the time, having to become a person responsible for another human being, t
he idea of being a mom? It scared her to the core. She loved the idea of children, but not yet. What if he was ready now? He was older than she was, probably ready to start a family sooner. Babies meant her independence would be over and she’d be tied to this way of life, taking care of someone else for the next twenty years. Not feeling very adult, Hannah rolled over, realizing that maybe, just maybe, this growing up thing scared her more than she wanted to admit. She had a safety net living with her parents. She’d have to be the safety net to a child of her own…and what if she wasn’t good at it?

  Everything changed after her father died. She went from being a child to a parent. It’s almost like she switched roles with her mother, feeling the need to take care of the family. It was a lot of pressure, but it needed to be done. Her mother was incoherent, lost in her depression, and decisions needed to be made. She knew she had it in her, but responsibility could be crushing.

  Was she ready to trade in her freedom for a lifetime of responsibility?

  And her father, Hannah realized he wouldn’t be at her wedding. He wouldn’t meet her children. He wouldn’t walk her down the aisle. He wouldn’t be here to share in the rest of her life. It was the first time it had hit her this hard since his death close to a year ago. How had that much time even passed?

  Life had changed so much. And what if she left to live with Bryce? Who would take care of the farm? She didn’t want Maggie and Sarah saddled with those things. They had brighter futures. Maggie was soaring in school and could do grander things than working on a farm. Sarah was too young to have to worry about such things. Still a kid, she had high school to finish, and then hopefully college, too. No, Hannah would have to stay here, helping her mother. It only made sense. Though, she’d only be living down the lane.

  Feeling a little selfish, she realized she had her own life to live, too. She’d have children, her own house, and chores to do. She couldn’t run the farm here forever. Maybe she could help them bring in a ranch hand, somebody to pitch in and help. Could they afford it? She couldn’t ask Bryce to foot that bill. She’d figure it out. Or even Allie. No, that’s not fair either. She had her own life to live.

  Pacing across her room, she was unsettled.

  These were decisions her mother should be making, and yet Hannah couldn’t help but want to shoulder the burden. She’d stepped in, taken on the role. It was her responsibility…only, it wasn’t. Her job was to live her life and start her own family. The reality hit her. She wasn’t in charge. She was just a girl that filled in when Mom couldn’t. Mom was okay now. She could take care of her family, right? Hannah would help. Maybe it was time for her to step down, take a step back. She had her own life to live. Those words rang through her again. Family meant being there, but it didn’t mean giving up your own life in the process. She’d do what she could, but it was time for her to move forward.

  Yes, she’d marry Bryce. Yes, she’d start her own family. A smile spread across her face as she realized what was holding her back. She was, and her own self-imposed responsibility and wanting to take care of her family. She’d find someone who could step in and help run the farm. With a lighter load on her shoulders, Hannah sank back into her bed with relief washing through her veins. She knew her answer. Yes, she would marry him.

  Hannah ran a finger over the new ring she wore. She was getting married.

  **

  At Thanksgiving dinner, everybody offered them congratulations. She’d let it slip a week earlier, but now that they were seated together at the kitchen table, it was the center of conversation. At first her mother worried she might be moving too fast, like her sister usually did, but knew Hannah was grounded and wouldn’t make a decision she wasn’t happy with.

  Allie had moved out, and Hannah would be getting married. Gretta looked at her girls sitting at the table. They’d added two more chairs to the end of the table, and they all sat together. Only Richard hadn’t made it, but with Bryce here and her five girls, they had a full house as it was.

  Richard was going to his own family’s Thanksgiving. He was angry with Allie that she’d chosen to go home and not go with him. It didn’t go over well, and Allie sat at the table, barely having a word to say. She should have gone with him, sat by his side. What was she thinking? She knew he’d be angry with her for at least another day. When he got angry, he brooded and didn’t let her forget that she’d pissed him off. It was hard to shake the feeling of his wrath. It was a foolish mistake, but she’d wanted to see her sisters and offer her congratulations to Hannah and Bryce. Besides, she hadn’t been home in a while, and Mom was getting on her to stop by. Thanksgiving made sense, so she chose that day to come home.

  Maggie sat watching everyone talking a mile a minute. She loved when they were all together like this. There wouldn’t be many more big family dinners soon. Allie already moved out, and Hannah would be moving out too. The house would seem empty with only herself, Sarah, and Mom living here.

  Hannah spoke of hiring help when she moved out, but Gretta scoffed. She’d figure it out. Hannah had done enough. Bryce knew of someone that might be a good fit, and offered to give Gretta his contact information. She thanked him, and told him not to worry. She’d be just fine.

  Sarah played with her food. She couldn’t help but notice her father’s presence missing. It was the first Thanksgiving without him. Christmas would be even harder. Even with a full house, it somehow felt empty today. She’d give anything to see him just one more time.

  Chatter filled the kitchen, details of when Hannah and Bryce would get married, but nobody really noticed that Allie, Maggie, and Sarah were wrapped up in their own worlds. The voices of Gretta, Hannah, and Bryce filled the room. As long as there was conversation, nobody paid attention to who was talking – and who wasn’t.

  Gretta looked at her family, happy to see everyone together. Tuc’s absence was noted, but she didn’t want to bring everybody down talking about it. She held him close in her heart and sent up a prayer, hoping he was listening.

  Maggie got up and started to clear the table. She liked hearing the chatter of the conversation. It was comforting having her family around. She knew when she finished college and moved out, starting her own life, she’d miss the bustle of a crowded home. Even though she was quiet by nature, she liked the movement and activity of a full home.

  Sarah got up to help clear the dishes, and whispered to Maggie, “I miss Daddy.”

  Maggie turned and hugged her sister. “We all do, but life keeps moving.”

  Together they cleaned up as the conversation bubbled at the table. Allie excused herself and made a phone call. She was going to leave early, wanting to spend some time with Richard. She said her good-byes, and headed out.

  “Does she seem okay to you?” Hannah blurted out the minute Allie left.

  “She claims to be happy.”

  “She doesn’t act like she’s happy.”

  “I know. I worry about her sometimes. She’s searching to fill some void. I just wish she’d find what she was looking for.”

  The conversation rolled back to Hannah and Bryce.

  Chapter 12

  Winter was surprisingly mild the first half of December, but the second half dumped way too much snow on them. The foyer was a mix of hats, scarves, gloves, and coats. Boots were clustered by the door so they didn’t drag a mess in. It took years for Gretta to teach the girls to do that when they were small. One would always scamper in, and in their excitement, spread muddy or snowy footprints about.

  It was hard to believe how far they’d come. This last year was a hard one, with the loss of her husband. It was hard on all of them. The loneliness never left her, but she had her girls. Sarah and Maggie were back in school for the year, Hannah would be getting married in the spring, and Allie felt like a shadow. She barely saw her anymore.

  Christmas Eve was sneaking up on her fast. It was her favorite time of the year. It would be odd to share this year’s festivities without Tuc, but they’d make the most of it. Gretta hi
red a local boy to help bring in the tree she’d picked out. Christmas was only a week away. Usually she had the tree up by now, but it was hard to get motivated without Tucker. They used to go pick out a tree together and make a day of it, stopping for a bite to eat. It was one of the few days of the year that they took a day to themselves to go on a date. She put it off as long as she could, and tried to swallow the pain of a new tradition. This year she let Sarah and Maggie pick out the tree.

  Gretta couldn’t help but notice when the boy helping them looked too long at Maggie. She was a beautiful girl, but never seemed to notice the side glances of guys checking her out. Maggie couldn’t see her own beauty, and always pushed compliments away. She closed herself off to invitations with her body language and shyness.

  Sarah was digging out the Christmas decorations, excited to start trimming the tree. This was her favorite time of the year. She loved all the twinkling lights and seasonal decorations they’d put out. When the tree was garnished, her favorite part was turning out the lights in the evening and watching the tree twinkle and blink to the background noise of the fireplace crackling.

  They were doing things later this year than usual, but with Dad being gone, it felt weird to start without him. They knew they couldn’t put it off forever, and finally decided it was time. He’d want them to celebrate and enjoy the season.

  “Hannah, remember that year you wanted a moose for Christmas? Mom made you chocolate mouse, and got you a stuffed one.” Maggie smiled, remembering the childhood memory.

  Hannah laughed. “Yeah, it was always about animals with me. You always wanted anatomically correct dolls. Not dolls who had boobs that were bigger than their heads.”

  Maggie laughed. “I just felt lacking.” She looked down. “Now, I’m more than happy with what I’ve been given. But honestly, some of those dolls force unrealistic expectations on girls.”

  It was nice to see Maggie in her moment of laughter. She was such an introvert and quiet so much of the time, she’d be the one listening while everyone else was talking. She seemed relaxed and happy as they trimmed the tree.