Jessica's Secret

by Mia Wolfe

  There was a feeling of distress in her voice.

  “I don’t think any differently of you. You’re still the Jessica I know, this doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I still think you’re very smart and you make me laugh a lot. I enjoy your company more than any other girl I’ve spent time with, and the truth is that if we broke up, I would not only miss you as a girlfriend but I would miss your friendship as well. I consider you to be a very good friend.”

  He was being so kind to her which touched her in a way that made her want to weep, if she had been of the weeping sort. His reaction was one she had never considered because she would’ve never thought to be in such a predicament. She was overcome with sadness at she didn’t know what, but in general felt a melancholy sedated mood, knowing that she let him down by lying to him all these months.

  Evan was the one person whose touch she longed to feel. Now she felt completely exposed, to the core – he might as well have a printout of her DNA code because all that was ever essential to know about her, he did. No one else in the world could ever come close to having as much information; not Charles, not Marie, not her family, not any of her other lovers, and there had been many of them.

  Evan had said that Jessica accepted him for who he really was, but it hadn’t occurred to her that he would accept every part of her. She didn’t know how to react, so she just laid there, her breathing attempting to return to baseline, entirely exhausted from her physiological arousal. She wanted it to be over and never experience anything like it again.

  The scene continued to ruminate in her head – she couldn’t shake it from her thoughts. She knew that now he knew too, about all her flings with men at least twice her age, in various cities and hotel rooms.

  “The way I think of it is – it’s like you had many sexual partners. The fact that money was exchanged for it doesn’t change anything about that,” Evan continued, feeling compassionate for the distressed girl.

  With one swift motion he yanked the covers from her. She quickly stuffed her face into the pillow, being aware of the contrast of the cool air against her scorching skin.

  He kissed her head and affectionately pet her disheveled bun, “You look so beautiful even early in the morning.”

  Still she remained quiet, feeling unworthy of being in his presence. She lay there, sedated from the shock she’d experienced earlier, unable to run away from her problems as she generally had a tendency to do.

  Chapter 14 - Next

  When the sun peaked through the window and she had to face Evan again, Jessica felt unwell. The pit in her stomach continued to grow as the events prior had disturbed her on a visceral level. He cooked her salmon eggs benedict to try and make her feel better although neither seemed to be hungry.

  “I’m concerned about you. You’ve had a rough couple of years. I care about your well-being. I think it is important to consider whether you might be using sex work as a way to deal with things that have been bothering you from the past.”

  She didn’t know what to say to him. Cold, cruel, dismal reality had set in. Life was great in the state of ignorant bliss, but now she had no other choice than to face everything head on. She had never imagined herself in such a predicament.

  “Jess?”

  “I don’t know. It just felt like the right thing to do at the time. I got sick of the rapid succession of relationship failures and wanted to do something extreme, no emotions allowed. I found a bunch of escort blogs on the internet and reading about their endeavors was interesting to me. At first I was kind of disgusted. I remember reading about how this one woman was giving tips on how to dispose of so many condoms and how to tip the housekeepers so they would give her extra towels and wouldn’t report her of any suspicious activity. I was grossed out at the thought that this woman was having sex with so many men in a row in one day. She just went for several hours.”

  “So, you were grossed out in the beginning, but then you overcame that?”

  “The thing is that older men have always been enamored with me. I’m naturally charming. So, I thought I could use this to my advantage. I thought that I could have a lot of things that I wanted at once – no emotional involvement, lots of fun adventures with people in different environments, socialization and conversation – things that are so superficial but I would master them, I would become so skilled at this superficiality that it would be like acting in a play. I’m a certain person during certain hours. As this person I get to have so many new adventures. Great courtesans during history were very knowledgeable about a variety of subjects and spoke multiple languages and such. They were able to seduce because they had great minds, along with their looks.”

  “Did you, at any point, feel like you were missing anything?”

  “It kind of became very mechanical, from picking out what I would wear, to the drive there and the motions – I’d just go through the motions. It was all familiar the more I did it. People think clients are mean and abusive, but that’s not true. They’re very nice people. They just don’t get intimacy from their partners or they want to spice things up for themselves, but all the ones I’ve seen have been nice.”

  “It’s weird to imagine you fucking a sixty-five year old man.”

  Jessica gazed at him then paused, “I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you so many times. So many times we were together and I felt so rotten inside, the entire time thinking of how I should tell you and that it’s not fair. I think deep down I knew I could never tell you about it. I never wanted to see your reaction, the look on your face, imagining what kinds of things you were thinking, about me, about my choices. Honestly I could never imagine telling anyone, period.”

  “I think that you’ve had a lot of things that have impacted you emotionally over the past few years with your relationships. I know you do not enjoy dealing with your emotions, but do you think that this is a healthy way to avoid them?”

  Jessica felt that she did not know how to deal with emotions at all so she would rather avoid them altogether. Emotions seemed all too cumbersome for her, their burden too heavy to wear. They caused too much distress in her life, to her state of mind and physical well-being.

  Evan continued, “I understand why you didn’t tell me. If I had been in your position, I would have reacted in the same way. However, I do want to be in a monogamous relationship with you. I know that you don’t consider sex work as cheating but there are far too many risks involved. The risks of STD exposure go up with the more partners you have, and I don’t want to share you with anyone else. I’ve considered poly relationships but I think when more than two partners are involved, the stock of each relationship goes down a bit. It seems that it would be too complicated. What you and I have feels like something that has long-term potential. Do you disagree?”

  “I guess not.”

  “If numerous partners and that kind of freedom is what you seek, I cannot give you that.”

  She looked at him sulking. She drew in her breath.

  Evan added, “But if you want to be with only one partner who cares about you on many levels, then I think we can have a satisfying relationship. I think we have a future together. Don’t you?”

  Her face relaxed and she felt more at ease now, and Evan continued.

  “I think we should both take some time to unwind and perhaps think things over. In a couple of days, we will have more clarity. That being said, I enjoy being with you and I want to put effort into this relationship because it is meaningful to me,” he moved in closer to Jessica and put his arm around her and drew her in to his chest. He rubbed her back the way that parents do to infants.

  “I think it is meaningful to you as well. If you are ready to go forward with me, I think we can have a lot of fun together. You’re a good little subby girl too, which makes things even better. Plus, we feel the same way about a lot of important things. I enjoy your company and although I’m very sure of myself, I do enjoy that you can call me out when it needs to be done. No one else does that.”
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br />   Evan left shortly after breakfast and their talk, telling her that they would see each other later. She felt the distance between them and wondered if things had been irreparably affected. The emotional buildup of the past few days weighed heavily on her. She had never wanted anyone to find out, especially the person she adored dearly.

  Chapter 15 - Escape

  The next three days went by in indistinguishably from one another. In a swift and hazy manner they vanished before they made their entrance. Evan hadn’t spoken to her since the incident. Jessica took a very long bath, taking the time to reach every crevice of her body with her loofa and the sweet smelling soap of dandelions and honey.

  Evan had placed an ultimatum for Jessica to retire from sex work and enter a monogamous relationship with him. This was problematic for her as she did not feel prepared to take the risks that came along with falling in love. She felt that by giving up sex work she was giving up her ability to shield herself from heartache and distress.

  Jessica had entered sex work in the first place as a way to avoid emotional commitment as a result of the pain from Marie and Charles. To be completely vulnerable in front of Evan would take a lot of effort, for Jessica did not like to lose herself in such emotions. She was afraid, because in the past when she had truly opened up to someone, it did not fare well. In fact, each time someone had invited her to be vulnerable, they had inevitably ended up hurting her.

  A distinctive beep from her phone stirred her out of her daydream world and back to reality, the sound of a new email arrival. Once she saw who it was from, her heart sank. Evan J. Peters.

  Hello Jess. I hope you have been well these past few days. In light of the events that have happened as of late, it seems we both have some thinking to do. It would be good to take some time to think about what we both want and if our goals and desires align. I am going to Paris for six weeks in two days. I go every year around this time. I think we should both use this opportunity to reflect and learn from our experiences. I hope that we can talk when I’m back. Be safe.

  Evan

  Suddenly Jessica felt a tightening sensation in her chest before it completely encompassed her insides. Unable to breathe properly she hungrily inhaled air to try and return to a regular breathing state. She felt desperate to fight the overwhelming urge to cry in fury. Why should she be surprised? Isn’t this what all people in relationships were like? That they ran from problems the moment things got tough. Unable to help it, she buried her face into her pillow and wept.

  Chapter 16 - Avoidance

  The universe had suddenly thrown in unexpected variables that negatively affected everything going well in Jessica’s life. Evan had gone to a different country to escape having to face the difficulties at hand. As soon as things had become serious and they encountered a rough patch, he had bailed. Jessica felt desolate and terribly abandoned. She could not shake the feeling that he could not accept who she truly was, and this hurt her deeply.

  The first week Jessica cried once, near the end, when it began to occur to her that Evan would not be there to put his arm around her at night, and to soothe her when she awoke in the middle of the night screaming from her night terrors. In the short few months they had been together, Jessica had enjoyed being near him for many reasons – including his ability to always make her laugh. She did, too, enjoy provoking him with teasing jokes and remarks. She loved more than anything to make him laugh and she felt delighted when she caught him off guard with a hilarious joke.

  Dismal and heartbroken, Jessica could not understand how a man was able to so casually disregard everything that had happened between two lovers. She’d remember all the times they sat in the car or plane seat next to each other, and she would catch him looking at her features out of her peripheral vision. Sometimes she would ask him why he kept staring at her for so long, and he would always reply with a comment about the intensity of her eyes. Torn between these vivid memories of intimacy between them, and the outrage at his abandonment tactics, Jessica became overwhelmed.

  However, she wanted to try to move forward with her life, as she did not want to suffer through this bitter and stinging rejection. Each day that had passed seemed long, and as pleasant as the sunny days felt, all Jessica wanted to do was sleep. She slept away the days, until it occurred to her that she was falling into repetitive patterns of behavior similar to the way it was when after both Charles and Marie.

  On the eleventh day, Jessica forced herself to go to the gym. She had tried to avoid being out in public; she did not want to start crying involuntarily at inopportune times. After two weeks, she had begun to feel slightly better. At this time, Jessica took a temporary break from escorting. She needed to gather her thoughts and focus on what she wanted out of life. As much as she hated to admit it, the way Evan had reacted to the discovery of sex work had amassed quite the impact on her. She desperately needed her mental status turn to a state of equilibrium once again.

  Chapter 17 - Neighbor

  Jessica met Callie, a friendly girl with a shy disposition and a fervor for social psychology. Callie lived in a small one-bedroom apartment with her dog and a multitude of plants. They had seen each other around the apartment complex although they had never uttered more than a few words to each other. Now that Evan was gone, Jessica sensed that it was time to invite new people into her life. Luckily for both, each girl had countless things to talk to each other about. Callie loved things that reminded her of her teenage years, such as bands like Hanson.

  The girls began to spend a lot of time together. They bonded over things like the men who had broken their hearts. Callie, an environmentally conscious self-proclaimed hippie girl, was very open-minded, which encouraged Jessica to finally tell her about sex work on a sunny afternoon. Jessica experienced such relief when she was able to open up to someone who would not run away from her nor stigmatize her life choices.

  Callie was very interested in hearing Jessica talk about sex work and offering her solutions to her problems. As they were bonding over macarons one night, Jessica told Callie everything about Evan. Callie listened intently and drew in everything. A psychology major throughout her graduate and undergraduate years, Callie was able to offer various insight and a new perspective.

  “He’s replaying the dysfunctional family dynamics of his childhood parents,” she would say, “his dad left when things got tough, and Evan is doing the same thing, although, he probably doesn’t realize it.”

  Jessica was thankful that she had found a new friend to confide in, and who was such a good reflective listener. Suddenly, an email alert prompted her to check her phone. She found this:

  Hello Jessie. I hope you are well. I’m sorry if you are upset with me for leaving to Paris. I hope that we can talk once I return, so that I can have a chance to explain. I hope you will be open-minded about our relationship and the future.

  I miss you,

  Evan

  Be open-minded about the future. Go fuck yourself, she thought to herself. Jessica did not enjoy feeling resentment toward anyone, so she tried to fight the disdainful feelings she had toward Evan. She tried with all her might to see from his perspective, to feel how he must have felt upon discovering that his partner is a prostitute. Regrettably, she could not justify the behavior of him leaving so abruptly, especially for such a long period of time.

  Chapter 18 - Recovery

  At the end of the fourth week, Jessica was feeling most like herself again. Her daily workouts had an uplifting effect on her mood and elevated her energy levels. Thoughts of Evan still consumed most of her cognitive process, although Jessica attempted to pull forward and march on. Her heart was still broken underneath the layers of novel experiences she attempted to cover it with.

  Jessica’s coping mechanisms allowed her to appear relatively normal during most of the day, and in the evening, when she could be alone with her journals and pens, she reflected upon her life and the recent happenings, and a wave of melancholy would stream over her. She tried to
fight these feelings with logic, by telling herself that she was not accountable for the actions of Evan, and that humans could make mistakes, but all of that did not help to ease the pain.

  At night she thought of being with him, the feel of his soft and firm fingertips on her clavicles, creating pressure and indentation marks on her skin, claiming ownership of her cells, and bones, everything in her – but then, she would come back to reality, and realize that he willingly chose to discard all of those admirable qualities of hers and abandon her. These thoughts made it difficult to sleep on some nights. This constant state of ambivalence was similar to being stuck in purgatory and constantly teetering between heaven and hell but never making it to either. She did not want to be stuck in this state.

  After an entire month of being separated from Evan, Jessica contemplated going on a date again to help facilitate the healing process. She joined a dating site and after filling out her profile on a whim, her inbox was flooded with messages. Jessica was not surprised, as this was the usual reaction men had to her on dating sites. She weeded through dating messages from eager suitors to win her affection. Most of them were guys she was not interested in. After spending so much time being with men who would pay for her company, Jessica was much more careful in her selection process. Just as she had stumbled upon a very interesting and upbeat doctor, her phone rang.

  Evan, always appearing at the most inopportune of times, was attempting to call her. Her heart shook within her as she fought the urge to answer the phone and demand a thousand and more answers to questions she had for him. Relief overcame her when the phone went silent but then her screen flashed again – this time, a text message.

  Hey Jessie. I’m back in town early. Can we get together? I would really like to see you so that we can talk.

  Jessica felt a nauseating sensation inside her. All of a sudden, just out of nowhere, Evan had decided that he wanted to appear in her life again. She was not ready for his push and pull antics, and she was too hurt by his abandonment. However, she had far too many questions and unresolved issues that irked at her conscience. As much as she wanted to resent and not yield to his advances, she knew deep down that she would be unable to resist seeing him for what might even be one last time.