Jessica's Secret

by Mia Wolfe

  Chapter 19 - Resentment

  Jessica agreed to meet Evan at a secluded park by the ocean in the evening time four days after Evan’s arrival in town. She intentionally chose a park over another venue as she did not want to be influenced by anything shiny and fancy that might tempt her. She only wanted to focus on the conversation and to gain some clarity. A black dress with tiny multi-colorful flowers on the skirt made her legs appear even longer than they were.

  Thirty-minutes before meeting time Jessica fought the churning of anxiety in the pit of her stomach. She brushed her brown hair with great care and straightened it, which appeared shiny and lustrous sliding down the length of her spine. Her almond-shaped eyes appeared bright and attentive, masking all of the hesitancy she had about life lately. Evan appeared at 9:30 p.m. on the dot in a navy blue sweater and gray khaki pants. He seemed more tan and thinner than Jessica had last seen him. He smiled at her with his perfectly straight, white teeth. Jessica walked over toward him, reminding herself of Callie’s words,

  “Remember, don’t make out with him!” Callie had told her.

  “I won’t,” Jessica had promised.

  Evan looked handsome and tall, toned as usual, even more so now as he had been wandering the streets of Paris for a month.

  “Hi Jessie, how have you been?” Evan spoke warmly and affectionately to her as they both walked toward a bench overlooking the ocean. Jessica intentionally left a big gap in between them.

  “Pretty well, yourself?”

  “Good, thanks.”

  “How was Paris?” she asked before he could say anything.

  “Paris is a lovely city. You should come see it some time. I saw some friends – a lot of my friends come to town this time of year, so I thought I’d be there to see them.”

  “That’s great. So, you wanted to talk, right?”

  Evan paused for a moment and looked at her. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore and the seagulls flying along the purple and orange sunset glow of the sky could not ease the tension between them.

  “Yes. I’m sorry about the way things happened. I wanted you to figure out what you wanted to do with your life and whether you wanted to keep doing sex work or not. I felt that I was pressuring you into leaving sex work and I thought that you would always blame me for that.”

  “Evan, you left and went to a different country without saying a word!”

  “I wrote to you explaining why I went, although I can see how you would think that that is something I should not have done. I was not prepared to deal with finding out that my girlfriend is a prostitute, and I did not know how to handle the situation.”

  “Yeah, but we could have talked about it.”

  “I agree, Jess, We should have better communication and I could definitely work on my skills. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I only wanted us to take some time to think about being together. I really want to be with you and I really wanted you to make that choice for yourself, about whether you wanted to give up sex work voluntarily. I’m sorry, I can’t share my partner. I want to be the only one who gets to have you.”

  “Evan, you left. I’m not yours anymore.”

  A look of sheer sorrow overcame him. Jessica noticed it, but did not want to draw any attention to the fact that she noticed it.

  “Jessie, I really care about you. I really want to work on our relationship. Let’s go to therapy and figure things out together. We have enormous potential and I don’t at all want to let it go to waste.”

  “Why do you want to be with me if you have such a huge problem with whoredom?”

  “I don’t object to it in a moral sense. I’m just concerned about your well-being. You got out of two really rough relationships and I’m wondering if you were using sex work as a way to deal with that. You said so yourself you liked rebelling against your strict upbringing. I just have to wonder if there is something in you that drew you to sex work and if it is going to affect our relationship. Those are things I had to think about.”

  “Do you think I’m abnormal or something?”

  “Oh, no, sweetheart, I don’t. I just think it’s worth looking into or at the very least, talking over with a professional. I think that we could both benefit from going to therapy. I know that I have issues too that have contributed.”

  “Oh yeah, let’s talk about you now. I think we’ve spoken enough about “my” problems,” she gestured with quotes in the air, “So, let’s hear it. What are yours?”

  Evan smiled at her, like a high school boy being picked on by the teacher – and having to scramble up an answer, giggles to draw out some time for himself.

  “Hm, well, there is the issue of my father leaving us when I was young. I grew up thinking that as a man I was destined to do hurtful things to women so I intentionally avoided commitment based on that, among other factors. Another issue is that growing up, my mother would blame me for a lot of things going wrong in her life, and I didn’t understand when I was younger but then I begun to understand that those things really weren’t my fault, so it makes it difficult for me to accept when others are accusing me of something, which makes it difficult to have a lasting relationship.”

  “Yeah, you ran.”

  Evan thought for a moment, “I didn’t run. Did I? I came back.”

  “You did run! You left me when I was in a really vulnerable state, instead of being there for me,” her voice trailed off at the end as Jessica fought the urge to cry. She did not want to show any weakness or display of emotion.

  Evan reached out to comfort her but she ardently protested, “I was planning on no physical contact of any sort.”

  “Jess,” he began, “I never meant to hurt you, believe. I’ve just been a certain way for so long, this independent person who just focused on his work. I traveled so much, and lived in so many different states and countries – that I never had time to date, nor did I prioritize it. So, I don’t know how to do some things in dating. It saddens me that you feel abandoned, but I don’t want to run. I’m not. I want to be here, I want to be with you. I missed you so much. I saw so many great things in Paris that I thought you would love. I want to take you there.”

  “Yeah, maybe some other time, because right now, Paris doesn’t have a very good association with it,” she pouted.

  “Okay then, how about London? Come to London with me and let me show you around. I really want to make it up to you. I want you to feel safe and comfortable around me. I want us to trust each other. I want to earn back your trust.”

  Jessica sat for a few moments in silence. When she spoke, she had to use her strength to formulate her sentence together, “How could you just leave me and go to a different country, right when I needed you most, right when things got rough? What kind of partner would you be in the future? What if we were engaged or something, would you leave then? What if I was seven months pregnant and things got tough? Would you leave then too?”

  Tears welled in her eyes as she sat, refusing to look at him. Evan inched closer and the nerves within her began to rise. For the past five weeks she had only thought about his presence at nighttime, when she laid in bed feeling lonely and missing his warmth and security. Now he was a few inches away from her as if by a magic turn of events, fate had planted him right beside her at Palisades Park.

  He came in closer to her and slowly took her into his arms. She reluctantly gave into him as he pulled her into his chest, her face falling into his shoulder and neck. Having Evan so close to her senses again overwhelmed her. She wanted to fight her longing feelings for his proximity by reminding herself of how he left her and stranded her when her secret came to light.

  “Jessie, baby, I know that you are very hurt by me going to Paris, and you feel abandoned. I don’t blame you. I would be upset too. I wish I hadn’t hurt you, but I hope that we can move forward from this. I want to learn and grow from this experience, together. I care about you so much,” he kissed the top of her head and massaged her back like a parent would do to an inf
ant.

  He began to rock her slightly back and forth. Jessica didn’t say anything, as she was silently feeling the urge to cry.

  “I missed you so much, and you just left. You called, but so what? I couldn’t touch you. You couldn’t kiss me. I couldn’t hear your voice. I’d forgotten what your voice sounds like.”

  “I know, baby. I’m sorry,” Evan pet her. “I’m going to be there for you from now on, I promise. You’re my sweet girl, you’ll always be my sweet girl.”

  Feeling the sweltering heat of his body next to hers, Jessica had to pull away in order to not give in to her primal urges.

  “Okay, I’m ready to go,” she stated.

  “Already? Alright, well, I would like to see you again.”

  “Um, I have to go,” she got up and walked away from him, leaving Evan in a stupor behind her. She ran to her car and as soon as she got in, she cried. She cried the entire way home.

  When she got home, Evan had sent her an email:

  Jessie, hope you’re okay. I’m sorry if our meet distressed you. Let’s take things slow. I know that you will need some time to learn to trust me again, and I want to work on that with you. I know that I’ve had a tendency to run from the few past relationships I’ve had, but I don’t want to be that way anymore. I care about you so much and I want to work on things. I know you care about me a lot, because of all the emotion you have shown. When you are ready to go forth, I will be here and we can grow together. I don’t want to miss out on all the potential we have.

  Love, Evan

  Jessica felt extremely winded from all the events of the day that she laid on the couch and fell into a deep, exhaustive sleep.

  Chapter 20 - Reconciliation

  Jessica spent the next morning ruminating over the events that had occurred the previous night. She continued back and forth between wanting to have Evan in her life again and wanting to block his phone number. She couldn’t bear the thought of being permanently away from him – everything inside her stirred at thoughts of him. She wanted to feel a semblance of normalcy again, the way it used to feel when they were happily intertwined within each others’ limbs in Florida.

  In a moment of weakness, she decided she could no longer stand it and sent Evan a text, “You have my apartment keys still. Can you bring them to my apartment right now?”

  “Yes.” The reply came a few minutes later.

  Unsure what had overcome her, Jessica felt slightly delirious and mad. She really strongly desired to see him again and to feel him near her – she wanted him to make up for all the hurt he had caused her. All she had thought about the night before, was being near him, feeling his lips on her again, the weight of his arms around her protectively.

  Jessica decided she needed to relieve some tension so she removed her clothing and went into the bathroom. Jessica’s spacious bathroom included a big Jacuzzi tub, with a separate shower inside glass doors. She filled the tub with bubbles and sat in it.

  While she was in the bathtub Evan walked in and called her name. He still had a copy of her spare key.

  “I’m in the tub,” Jessica declared loudly as she heard his familiar footsteps coolly walking up the stairs.

  The door cracked open slowly and light from the hallway entered the room. Evan walked in to scented candles in different areas of the bathroom and to a wet girl in a tub filled with bubbles.

  “Are you enjoying yourself?” he smiled as he stood in the doorway, watching her with an admiring gaze.

  “Guess so,” she smiled sheepishly at him. Jessica slid down the tub until her chin was the only part of her upper body visible.

  “I’ve missed you, Jessie,” Evan paused for a moment, then came closer,” While I’m here, I might as well make myself useful.”

  “How do you plan on doing that?” She asked him coyly. Her heart beat faster as she saw the look of mischief gleaming in his eyes.

  Jessica sat up and lengthened her spine. Evan watched her slowly gliding in and out of the tub like a mermaid.

  “I took down my escorting ad,” Jessica told him.

  “Really? Good girl. I think that’s a step in a positive direction.”

  He walked toward her, “I have a tantalizing proposition for you, ma petite.”

  “Oh, do you? And what kind of proposition would that be, dear Sir?” Jessica’s playful intentions made themselves abundantly clear.

  “I think this time of experimenting in your life has come to a finale. I care about you, but I don’t want to share you. I know you don’t consider sex work to be cheating but I want to be the only one with access to you.”

  Jessica was silent while Evan continued,

  “I want to take care of you. Move in with me – I want to live with you. I will pay for everything and give you a credit card for whatever else you need. I don’t think sex work is a very stable long-term career. I think you should focus on figuring out what you would like to do. If you want to go back to school, or open up a bakery, I’ll support you. But I don’t want to share you sexually or emotionally with anyone. I want you to be mine, and mine only.”

  She had been wanting this all along, to hear those words from the person she loved. Live with me, he’d said – but how was she to know he would not let her down again? Could she trust him? It was a terrifying prospect, the idea of being so vulnerable to another human. But she had missed him intensely and no matter how much she had attempted to repress their memories, she was unable to eradicate his presence from her thought process. So many nights she had dreamed of throwing her arms around his neck again and telling him that she missed him and loved him so much.

  “I had a dream last night in which you told me you loved me. You were comforting me and petting me like a heavy white cat, and then you said it. Maybe I dreamed it because I think that you love me in real life, or maybe that’s how I want things to be. I don’t know, but I feel awful for lying to you about everything. I never meant to hurt you, Evan. I definitely do not ever want to do that.”

  Jessica sat further upright – beads of water trickled down her tan skin. The steam which filled the room seemed to accentuate the sexual tension that drifted through the air. Evan liked the little sunspots on her tan skin, reminders of the happy stories she shared with him of her childhood on the sea. He missed the feeling of being able to touch her at his whims, and it was those touches of his that she enjoyed receiving, even more than a summer morning at the ocean.

  Evan removed his clothing and stepped into the massive bathtub. He sat down opposite her so that the length of their legs were touching and they faced each other.

  “Some fruity bubbles you have here,” Evan commented.

  She smiled at him in a lascivious manner, “I got them for you, princess.”

  Evan couldn’t help but laugh at her slight retort, “Sounds to me like someone’s ass wants some bruising on it.”

  He leaned over to touch her face, and with one hand he linked his fingers in her hair and her face near his. She had been without a lover in a month and had only orgasmed to memories of Evan commanding her to come for him over and over again. She wanted to tell him that she was only able to orgasm to thoughts of him commanding her. His hold over her psyche was so powerful that her body physically refused orgasm unless she was thinking of Evan allowing her one. These thoughts brought her a deep aching to be relieved. She needed to feel his physical presence in real life – too many nights she’d laid alone and wished to feel his warmth.

  Evan placed his hand on the back of her head to keep her firmly in place. He pulled her long hair away from her neck and placed his eager mouth on it. He had missed the scent of her, the taste of her soft skin. He smiled at the Pavlovian response of goose bumps rising once his lips met her neck. She was so close to him that he could feel each beat pulsing in her veins, each throb of life within her. The familiarity and comfort of their shared existence had blossomed into a pleasant constant. Their feminine and masculine energies perfectly aligned; they eased into each other’s li
ves.

  “Captain save-a-ho and the hooker, a happy tale,” she muttered as she leaned into his kisses, like a blissful kitten, joyously experiencing the world through all her senses for the first time. She had missed him so much while they were apart – life had seemed a perpetually dismal grey cloud with constant rain and thunder – something resembling a tale in gothic literature.

  Suddenly she felt his hands swiftly on the bottom of her breasts as he began to massage her, his thumbs eliciting a peaking sensation in her nipples. At first, gentle rubbing motions with the thumb on her wet nipples, then faster rubbing motions, until the rhythm of his finger sent her carnal desires running wild. His sharp teeth grazed the length of her tender skin. Suddenly, without warning, he sank them into her shoulder with force, enclosing her in captivity – he dug them deep and she let out a cry, “Ow, brute!”

  “Mm, baby, I’m sorry, but I thought you liked it rough,” he placed a gentle kiss onto the tragus of her ear, “Be a good girl and relax for me.”

  Her brows furrowed with distress, but her insides lingered with anticipation – she felt completely lost in the moment with Evan. He could do anything he wanted to her, because she knew that he would never physically harm her, nor ignore her hard limits. Evan knew her body and mind well; he was able to read her better than anyone, especially in those moments when he took her to new heights and she would enter a state of incapacitation in which she would be unable to speak. Jessica loved that she could let herself go and be completely at his mercy, allowing the motions of her limbs to be directed by him, the one who knew to pleasure her better than she did.