by Marc Leavitt
Journal Entry: July 24, 2002
It is beginning to dawn on me that what I am seeking is my own death (as an ‘I’). I know that I understood this before, but, as many times before, I am beginning to understand the same teachings on a deeper and deeper level. For instance, I always thought that the story about the vagabond who was sitting on a bag of gold or the Zen story about the man on the mule seeking the mule was a metaphor that I already ‘have’ what I am seeking, but now I see that the bag of gold or the mule are misleading metaphors because I do not ‘have’ that which I seek, but I AM that which I seek. The seeking IS the seeker seeking itself.
OK, since my last entry, I did continue with my pact to stop thinking for about another week and a half, but then I eased up and had to admit to myself that I was right back in the role of the thinker. I didn’t seem to mind, as it appeared that things were just happening on their own, and I appeared to have had little or no control over how I felt. Motivation seems to come and go of its own volition. I see inspiration as something that just comes to me or it doesn’t.
I now see that pain is my friend and my insurance policy that I will never stray too far away from my connection. I looked back at my diaries and noticed a definite ebb and flow that seemed to be pretty consistent. Three or four months in sync with what-is, followed my two or three months of struggling with what-is.
It is becoming painfully obvious that there is no ‘me.’ There is only a process that Awareness has identified with, to the point of taking itself to actually be that process itself. It seems that the sense of a ‘me’ comes from the continual swirling of thoughts much like the appearance of a circle comes from the swirling of a lit cigarette. Seeing the appearance and the disappearance of ‘me’ reveals that I was never ‘me’ in the first place, but rather the witness of this ‘me.’
So, what ‘I’ sense to be death is merely an understanding that the false sense of self is just another object contained within the actual Subject. The Subject is simply impersonal Awareness witnessing the object. In other words, I thought that I was a person seeing things or objects that are out there. Now I am beginning to see that even the very feeling of being a person was actually just another object or some-thing that I perceived in my experience as the true Subject.
Something has happened in the last few days but I can’t and don’t even desire to formulate an idea of what it is. I am understanding on a much deeper level that all there is is Awareness and it feels like this understanding is killing ‘me.’ I’m not sure if I will be writing much. So, I want to jot down some insights that I have been getting over the last couple of months.
Thoughts:
Subject/object is a continuum. There is no Subject and a separate object; there is only the Subject with an object. There is only Awareness. Awareness is the Subject. Awareness is the Object. The subject is the object. Awareness of Awareness.
Ignorance is when the object or that which Awareness is aware of, is taken to be something else other than Awareness. The ‘I’ is created by the illusory split created by ignorance. The ultimate irony is that when ‘I’ reach the end of the spiritual path, it turns out that all that ‘I’ need to do to is merely drop the ‘I’ and only God will remain. So, it is the ‘I’ that seeks the Truth, but the Truth can only be revealed when the ‘I’ dies.
This is where I find myself now. Like a fox caught in the headlights of that which it was pursuing. I find myself staring into the Infinite realizing that all that is left for me to do is to simply die. As long as ‘I’ am, realization cannot be. Which will it be?
Journal Entry: August 8, 2002
This whole time on my path, I have been kidding myself into thinking that I was 'someone' on a spiritual path. So, the ego still reigned mighty. It just really hit home recently that I have been on a suicide mission and I never really understood this. I know it’s been hinted at and alluded to in previous teachings, but it finally dawned on me for good that I simply need to drop the act, the game, the charade, the pretending that I am a person.
This means the death of 'me' in a very real way. What I have been “getting” recently is that the ego doesn’t really want freedom; it just thinks it does because it takes freedom to be just another experience for itself. But freedom is tantamount to the ego’s own death, so once it really realizes that what it has been seeking is its own death, it quickly backtracks. This is where I am right now, and I have not moved an inch since this discovery.
Seeking ego death used to be exciting but now that it is staring me right in the face, I discovered that I do want freedom but NOT NOW. I mean, I obviously cannot go back now, as my head is already too far into the “tiger’s mouth,” so I guess what I am trying to say is that it is only now that I truly understand that my head is indeed in the tiger’s mouth and there’s no turning back.
When people speak about the subject of Nonduality, you often hear the sentiment that, “You can’t do anything about it". I'm not sure how to take that, but it really shouldn't be dejecting news. In fact, it actually should be liberating to realize that it is only the 'doings' that make us appear to be ‘not liberated’ in the first place. Although you can’t actually do anything, you can deepen your understanding of 'what is,' which will provide the necessary conditions for Liberation. You can leave room for the door to swing open, so to speak.
One of the most invaluable teachings that contributed to my undoing was the process of ‘via negativa'. My most profound practice was inquiring very deeply to see what I was NOT. So, in a way, we can access a back door by 'doing' an undoing.
Just seeing what one is ‘not’ will spontaneously reveal what one actually ‘is.’ And that understanding is what all the mystics have been talking about. I have come to realize that the path I am on is the path of understanding and it is simply about going deeper and deeper into the understanding that, "There is only Awareness".
I have found that brutal honesty with myself is the greatest ally. It is one of the few 'musts' that I can think of, and it’s seldom given much attention in spiritual texts. By living from this place of self-honesty, you never resist experiences of frustration or pain and if you find yourself identifying with any of these feelings, then that is fine as well. No sense in TRYING to be something.
I think that pain and frustration are very good things. They wear us down as 'entities' trying to stay afloat. Eventually, the only response could be, 'fuck it, whatever, I’m sick of trying, I just want to rest'. Then ahhhhhhh. Done, retired, quit, complete ... it is as it is.
From what I saw, what we are talking about is the death of self. With that 360 degree experience, the one I described before, there was a death but not a complete death. I thought it was complete at the time, but I still felt that something happened to 'me'. It’s so subtle it’s hard to put in words.
I did die (or I lost something permanently after that) but there was still another subtle layer of ‘me’ who was watching my death. The 'I' is sneaky like that. As a matter of fact, the ‘I’ is so sneaky that it comes along on the spiritual path and tries to take ownership of it, which it can do, to a degree.
But it doesn’t matter, because if you are really earnest and continue to go deeper into the 'understanding of what is' then when you come to the final realization, your ego will also understand that it is on the path of suicide.
It’s like you come to end of the road and your ego knows it’s time to die, but it is stunned that this is what it comes down to. "But I thought that … oh fuck … .is this it … yup … time to stop pretending … Sighhhhhhhhh … well do I really want this … ???????” Fortunately, by that point it’s too late for the ego to turn around; it knows that it is a lie but vestiges remain. It’s emasculated, worn down, weak and barely holding itself together.
So that’s where I am now and I'm hoping that if I pour all of this out on paper then I can be courageous about what I know must happen, next.
Journal Entry: August 15, 2002
A few weeks ago, I got th
e most startling realization. Lately, the subject of dying has been a common motif in my writings. This is a result of my coming to understand, in a deep sense, that this whole spiritual journey is nothing less than a suicide mission.
The very fact that it is a suicide mission may seem disturbing enough, but it’s compounded by the fact that the mission seems to happen with no volition of my own. In other words, it appears that I am not an entity at all but merely a functioning in Awareness that reminds me of a psychological mechanism that is always in the process of 'winding down' or unraveling until nothing remains except Awareness.
As our egos develop, one particular power of attraction that we all develop is the search for pleasure. We start out getting pleasure out of simply eating and being sheltered and then work our way up through Maslow's hierarchy of needs, seeking love and acceptance from others and finally on toward self-actualization. It is at this point that our pleasure or entertainment comes via the spiritual path. So, even the spiritual path becomes part of the ego's pleasure-seeking game. It has wound down enough that it no longer gets the same kind of pleasure that the previous stages once provided. However, it is the ultimate reward that is waiting and pulling the ego along.
This may sound gloomy but it’s a perfect mechanism. You’re just giving the ego more rope to hang itself. You see, once you get to the end of the spiritual path, it becomes all about transcending the ego. Now the ego, insanely enough, will even try to make this its own, but I just discovered that there is a point in which all is understood, thereby exposing the ego as the farce that it is, or rather, revealing it to be a mere functioning of Awareness.
Since this discovery, I have found myself in a very precarious position. Having understood very clearly that all there is is Awareness to such a degree that 'marc' is exposed as being fraudulent, I realize that I, as 'marc', have to die and what's worse is that I have to be the one to pull the proverbial trigger. This is now being demanded of me, but I came to realize that I do not want to go away right now … as should be expected, as this is the nature of ego. Some days, I feel like the movie has ended but I am just refusing to leave the theatre. That is why I have been writing so much while at work. I feel that if 'I', as ego, just get this out of my system then I can make that final cut.
It’s really tough though because when I approach that place, I always fear that I will leave some babbling invalid for my wife to take care of. I think that it’s possible this may actually be the case, but only for a short while. I didn't know how to interpret that feeling that I was going to disappear and leave some 'nothing' for my family to deal with. But recently, I came across a Rumi quote that expressed what I had been going through so perfectly …
"Once you have undergone the annihilation … At that moment, an entirely new being is born …" ~ Rumi
… That explains why I felt like I was going to leave behind a "babbling invalid" or a "nothing" for my wife to take care of. That’s how my ego interpreted a new ‘being’ being born in 'my' place. Once I die and get out of the way, then this new life will be born and get adjusted to this body known as ‘marc.’
I’m still not completely off the hook. I also have a six-year-old daughter that I am very attached to. I am also attached to my wife but I don't have that added dimension of being her caretaker. On a certain level I realize that I have to surrender my daughter’s fate to the Infinite, but that is much easier said than done.
I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot let go of my daughter. I know she is not actually my daughter but she does a damn good job of convincing me that she is. Enlightenment be damned; I would do anything for her.
I even contemplated what I would do if we die together. Do I do as the masters teach which is to recognize all visions as projections from my own mind, and just let everything go? No, I have actually decided that if we die together, then I would use my ignorance and retain enough of my individual awareness to meet up with the energy that I take to be her and make sure she makes it all right. But, who knows, maybe if we do die together, I will get so caught up in the Infinite, that the very recognition of who I really am will negate any plans that I had as 'me'.
So, this is where I am right now. I know that 'I' must go, to allow for that which is pushing through, but the "I' doesn't want to go so quickly. It is still dumbstruck by the shock of realization. The fact that the 'I' has been revealed, exposed and completely emasculated, makes it very obvious that the damage has already been done and the ego has actually been very quiet since this became evident. It's like ego was chasing the ultimate Truth or understanding so it could have it or possess it, but when it finally caught up to it, it turned out that it can’t EXPERIENCE Truth; it can only BE Truth.
But being Truth necessarily entails that ego dies, so it is a bit like music spending its whole life seeking to hear absolute silence. Now imagine the look on music's face when it finally finds itself descending into the much sought after silence. I can picture it now …
… “Ahh finally ... This is going to be great ... hmmmm ... oh crap ... but I thought ... oh, I SEE … --gulp-- …”
So, I now know that what is knocking at my door and is demanding to be let in is that Presence in Witnessing. I know that I have no choice but to go back to that practice that I referred to as 'Witnessing'. However, coupled with the deeper Understanding that has just come, it is all too obvious that this practice will spell my death … the death of the guy who is not the Witness. It's not even up to me anymore, I'm being booted out!
Journal Entry: August 17, 2002
Something strange has been happening since my discovery of the ‘suicide mission.’ I actually found myself getting extremely sentimental over a 'Little Debbie’s" truck on my way to work one day. I am not one to enjoy corporate logos, but on this occasion I became aware that I was becoming very nostalgic about a world that I was still in. It was like I was gone but still seeing the pictures that reminded me of the world that once was. I just felt such a warm spot for earth and all of its inhabitants. "What a wonderful place earth is," I thought.
Just tonight we took our daughter to a carnival and as we were riding on one of the rides, "Sweet Home Alabama" was being played through the loudspeakers. In the past, this had been a song that I could not turn off fast enough. But tonight, not only did I love it, but it was one of the most intense musical experiences that I ever had. It just reminded me so much of Earth or more particularly, America. I felt like the whole Earthling experience was taking place in that song. It was a celebration of life.
The joy of ‘being’ completely absorbed me. It grew in intensity until I became aware of it, the joy itself. While experiencing this complete and utter joy and recognizing it as being such, a familiar thought popped up: “Yea, but your still not Ramana Maharshi.” For anyone unfamiliar with Eastern Philosophy, Ramana Maharshi was a famous mystic who is widely regarded to be the epitome of Enlightenment. For myself, his sagely appearance and his articulate wisdom served as constant proof of my utter ‘unenlightenment.’
Usually, the thought of, “yea, but you’re not Ramana” led to other thoughts, reinforcing the idea that I am incomplete and striving towards something else. But this time, I remembered the words of a friend who told me that when faced with any belief, ask myself, “who would you be without that thought?” The very moment after asking myself this question, the answer came, not in words, but in the actual experience of being completely FREE!
Just three days after I wrote this, it happened …
Chapter Five
Enlightenment
“That in whom reside all beings and who resides in all beings, who is the giver of grace to all, the Supreme Soul of the universe, the limitless being — I AM THAT” ~ Amritbindu Upanishad.
To realize ‘I am That’ is to experience for yourself that what you truly are is Awareness. You are That Awareness in which everyone resides in and That Awareness which resides in everyone. To realize that ‘I am That’ is what is meant by the term ‘Enligh
tenment.’ Imagine a painting of the Universe in complete detail including you, along with everything else in existence. To realize ‘I am That’ is to realize that what you truly are is not merely one of the objects in the painting. but the actual paint itself.
Journal Entry: August 20, 2002
I can’t begin to explain what has been happening today, this week, this month, this year and actually the last few years. But as of today, approximately 7:00 am, I am fully Realized. I realized that all of you are also Realized whether you know it or not.
I recall my journal entry last year when I was playing my guitar and something told me to look behind me, and when I did, I Saw in 360 degrees. Seeing in 360 degrees revealed the Void behind me and the everyday world in front of me appearing on a flat screen. I say it appeared flat, but my memory also tells me that it was also a hologram, thereby giving it the appearance of depth. OK, after that, I was so fanatical that I wanted to inform the world of my discovery. Fortunately, I couldn't talk about it, as something had died upon that Realization. It took several weeks before I even wrote about it.
I thought that I was Enlightened and ironically, it was this simple thought that made me ignorant of the actual Realization. I now know for a fact that we are all Enlightened and that there is no such thing as Enlightenment in the sense of the word as it usually refers to particulars. (This particular person, this particular experience etc.) The ignorance that still remained was the fact that I thought that ‘marc’ was Enlightened and that this was something special or exotic.
So, when the bliss from that experience naturally waned over the year; I thought that I had lost my sense of Enlightenment because my idea of Enlightenment was based on and therefore reliant upon, this exotic and special state of being. I spent the last year deepening my understanding of the final and Ultimate Truth.