Hearts' Desires

by Anke Napp

  Lauren made a sarcastic snort. “Believe me, I had my share of crap!”

  “Everyone in my family said I’m nuts when I told them I want to be an actor,” Thabo continued while they hit the road back to the hotel, now at a slow pace. “First, I danced and recited stuff on the street, to squeeze some money out of the tourists, you know.”

  Lauren listened with only half an ear, how a casting manager had discovered the skinny boy two years ago. Okay, he had had a rough time. So had she! A horders’ slum home, an alcoholic who pretended to be her father, a mother she could only remember being pregnant and whining about life.

  “Sometimes I thought I would never get anywhere and it was just a stupid dream,” Thabo’s voice invaded her thoughts again. “But--”

  “You can achieve everything,” she cut him off decisively. “If you just fight hard enough and don’t let anyone take away what you’ve got already!”

  Lauren discovered light in Alison’s place and her silhouette against the window. So she didn’t spend the night with Vance at least!

  Vance sat on the chair in the hotel’s reception, through the open entrance door some meters ahead getting a glimpse of the busy action on the set. He didn’t want to close the door and remain sealed in and alone. Every sound from outside was a welcome distraction while he listened to the police report about the helicopter crash. So far, everything pointed to an accident. A simple loose screw somewhere – Vance didn’t care about the technical details. He stared at his distorted image in the polished surface of his wedding ring. This was all that remained…

  A formal report and distorted images! Still, he could not feel grief. He had attributed the numb feeling inside to the shock, but it was still there, as if he heard about a character in a script. Or about someone who had died a long time ago.

  The police officer finished his account of the events, expressing his condolences once more, and Vance answered with an automatic thank you. He had done the same this morning, when some members of the film crew had come to see him. He didn’t feel up to explaining or even speaking at all, for that matter. Only his old friend Jake got some more words out of him, and a hug.

  Vance leaned back, closed his eyes. From outside he heard Alison’s voice. She ranted about something. A faint smile flitted over Vance’s face.

  “Enough for today!” Alison threw up her hands.

  They had worked on the scene where Camilla discovered her mother’s diary all day long. It hadn’t started out that bad, however around noon, Nora began feeling sick and had to take a rest. With each take there was one tiny thing that was not right, the sound, the lighting, or the camera angle, or Lauren’s performance.… Maybe some of it was her fault too, Alison admitted reluctantly. Her thoughts had wandered away constantly. She was concerned about Vance, more than she liked to admit. It was one of these days, Alison knew, where it was no use to try and do successful work. It would only end in further frustration.

  So she stopped, and the crew was more than happy about it, considering the ongoing hot weather. The catering guys and girls served an early dinner, and then everyone searched the coolest place possible to chill out, write letters home or just chat.

  Alison herself retreated to the now shady porch of the old house. For a moment she had thought about looking in on Vance; to see if he needed anything. However, after a second thought – or rather a couple of them – she dismissed the idea. It wouldn’t only look stupid, it would be stupid, she told herself. He had assured her he could handle the situation. She had no right to intrude in his privacy! No, absolutely not!

  The dried withered rose she had absently picked up from the ground fell apart in her fingers, and she blew the remains away. Steps squeaked on the wooden floor of the porch.

  She turned around and noticed with a little embarrassment, she was in fact sad not to see Vance, but Max. “Hello! I assumed you searched for a resting place with AC?”

  “I saw you sitting here and thought you might like some company…”

  “O do I look that desolate?” She smiled. “C’mon, sit down!”

  They talked about this and that, the weather and the next sequences to shoot – until out of the blue Max asked: “You are worried about Vance, aren’t you?”

  Alison needed a second to adjust her thoughts. Then she answered: “Of course I’m worried about him. He is my lead actor and he does excellent work. We cannot afford to lose him in the middle of our production.”

  “That’s all?” A friendly grin showed under his beard. “Alison, I‘ve known you for a very long time, I have eyes in my head, and a small amount experience of life…You like him.”

  She raised her hands and laughed. “Sorry, Max, you are hallucinating!”

  She started to feel uncomfortable and became defensive. “I’m certainly not one of those desperate women who hit on a poor guy, who just became a widower and is vulnerable enough to latch onto the first skirt coming his way! O no, Max, really! I have no interest in being under any man’s control, believe me. And who would want ME anyway?! I don’t know what on earth gave you this… this … I don’t know… idea! – Did you hear any news about the situation in Zimbabwe?”

  Max Dumont shook his head and sat down in the other comfortable chair on the porch. She had always been very good in changing topics – and not leaving a possibility for coming back to them! It would do no good to poke around further, he knew. Nonetheless, he hoped his long-term colleague and trusted friend Alison Cartwright would not choke on her own pride, like he did once and regretted it ever since. Some things in life just could not be fixed; some opportunities did not present themselves again. When he stood up eventually, he patted her shoulder.

  “Ally… think about what I said to you some days ago. You might miss important things in the constant run. It is better to slow down sometimes and take a look around.”

  “I promise I’ll slow down, Max! When this production is done.” She smiled at him and tried to lighten the seriousness of their conversation with a last funny comment. “And beware I do not come visit you on your lovely lonely vacation spot!”

  Shortly after, Alison went into her bungalow. The uneasy thoughts Max’ words had brought to the surface did not want to vanish. They couldn’t be scared away by the intensive reading and work she immediately plunged herself into, nor by the growing annoyance towards ‘these silly things’. Heavens, why did she have to think about Vance constantly?!

  Around midnight, she took refuge to a tranquilizer. She decided to visit a doc, when she was back in the States. All these crazy mood swings and insomnia must be due to menopause, for sure. There was a medication for it. And when this production finally was over, she would have time to take yoga-lessons again.

  O my God, what I’m going to do when this movie is done?

  The panic spike showed up again. Fortunately, the sleeping aid kicked in, before she could muse about too much spare time – and for a workaholic like her it didn’t take long for spare time to be too much…

  The sun had set already. The world began hiding under the blue shade of the night. While the film crew were already in their accommodations, Vance sat on one of the benches in the old hotel’s garden. One day had passed since he had received the news of Carolyn’s death. He was grateful she had no other relatives which needed to be notified.

  Leaning back against the rotten wood of the bench, he looked up to the sky. In the distance, the mountains merged with the nightly sky. A cold breeze made him shiver and he crossed the arms in front of his chest.

  Eventually, Vance took a stroll around the area, struggling for decisions. He did not have to worry about how to solve his problems anymore. Destiny had solved them for him. Fast and with finality. Whether he could grief and cry or not – it was over. There was nothing he could do about it. He had to live with his failure. The chain named Carolyn was broken. Maybe it was not very polite to think of her like that, however Vance felt that way. It would be no use denying it. He had to live with that particular
bad feeling.

  A shooting star crossed the velvet blue-black. Vance walked faster to fight the night chill. March on, yes. Live on. This was the only way. And trying not to repeat the mistakes he had made in the past…

  Barely five o’clock in the morning, Alison’s phone rang. For once in her life she was glad about the disruption. That way she didn’t have time to get angry that Vance even haunted her sleep! And what a dream it had been! Her mind had replayed the silly scene near the water course, where she stumbled into the mud, only that this time; she was suddenly naked when his arms embraced her.

  The voice on the phone belonged to the producer. He let her know that a competing studio was working on a similar movie, and they just announced their release date, which was much sooner than he had anticipated. That meant that her team had to wrap up the shooting five days earlier, too in order to beat the competition. Bad news for her technical crew and her actors.

  Still, Alison was relieved. She definitely wouldn’t have time to worry about Vance. And WHEN she had time again, they would be back home and have parted ways anyway. She went into the bathroom and stepped under the shower. The dream was still very present. It had been unlike any other she ever experienced, where ghostly faint images wavered in and out of surreal dreamscapes. But Vance had looked and felt so real…

  Alison squeezed her eyes shut and let the cold water splash down. Finally, her thoughts could focus on CEO Yerikov and his demands. She would have to reschedule a lot… rearrange the call sheets… She really had no time to think about Vance van Sorel!

  Jake shuffled to the breakfast tables and was surprised to find Vance there, about to finish an enormous sandwich.

  “Wow! Am I hallucinating or do I actually see you eating breakfast, old man?”

  “I thought it’s about time to let go of some of my bad habits.”

  Jake was not sure how to react to this statement. “Sounds like you’re over the worst.”

  “Let’s say, I feel much better than yesterday. I made some… resolutions, before it is absolutely too late in my life. – But what about you? You look like you had a long night.”

  “Couldn’t sleep,” Jake murmured grumpy, “the damned lawyer called again…” He sighed. “These guys – well actually, it’s a woman on top of all – like torturing people by sleep deprivation!” He grinned weakly. “Okay, let’s have a huge cup of coffee, or I’ll fall asleep behind the camera today!”

  The two old friends were still at the breakfast table, when Alison showed up at the buffet too. She took a fruit salad and a tea. Only on her way back she discovered Vance and Jake.

  “Good morning! … Vance, good to see you back! How are you?”

  “Ready to work, for what it’s worth, Alison.”

  “That’s wonderful news, because the producer called me…” Saying this, the heads and eyes of the other crew members sitting there turned towards her. A call from the producer never meant anything pleasant! And Alison’s expression confirmed their hunch.

  “Well, he has cut our schedule by five days,” she continued. “We have to finish here within the next week, and then move up to the second location.”

  “Aw no!” moaned someone. “This means nightshifts!”

  “Yes… do these guys think we don’t need to sleep?” Chang fell in grumpy.

  “I’m sorry, folks – there is nothing I can do,” Alison replied. “Look at the bright side: You’ll be back home sooner too!”

  She put on her sunglasses and walked to one of the tables outside in the still comfortable morning sun. After the all too short night she felt a bit chilly. Two sips of tea - for a moment she savored the heat of the beverage course through her body. Then Alison opened the ‘duty roster’, to rearrange call sheets and scenes. Normally, they would’ve re-worked the sequence left unfinished yesterday – the one with the diary. However, today the actors and some extras they needed for the final scene of the movie would arrive. So they had to shoot that first, and come back to the diary-sequence another time!

  A shadow fell on her page. Alison looked up and discovered Vance.

  “Mind if I join you?” he asked.

  “No. Please, there is enough room, I think! … Do you really feel up to work again? I don’t want you to—”

  “Yes, I’m okay, believe me. I want a perfect performance as much as you do.”

  “I’m glad to hear that.” She turned her attention back to the roster - at least, she tried. His gaze was still resting on her; she sensed it even if she didn’t look in his direction. Trying to come up with something to say, she stared on the lines. I’m acting like a school girl - totally unprofessional!

  “Alison? I wanted to thank you for taking care of me the other night; for coming over to my place.”

  She cleared her throat and took her eyes off the paper again. She had very much hoped he had forgotten. “Don’t worry about it, Vance. You’re part of my team. My… sort of a family, as long as we are here on the set.”

  “Nevertheless, it meant a lot to me. And I do not know many directors who consider their crew and actors a family.”

  “I appreciate a good… working climate.” With some effort, she managed a smile. “Even if most people around here regard me as the evil stepmother.”

  “I’m glad to have you as director, Alison.” He had taken her hands, and she couldn’t react; she just sat there like a stone statue. “You are a good colleague, a good friend and … a wonderful woman.”

  It sounded so sincere, warm and gentle! Alison felt trapped. Suddenly, even the morning sun seemed unbearable intense. “Thank you. I think, I should…”

  “You should enjoy your breakfast,” Vance finished with a little smile, now standing up. “And I think I’ll need one or two cigarettes, before we start filming today!”

  Now that she knew what had happened, Lauren was thinking about paying Vance a little visit this evening and convincing him she was willing, able and the only one who could help him through these hard times. But when she saw him and Alison now, she decided to skip that project. Obviously, Vance van Sorel needed a little nudge first or he wouldn’t be chasing Alison! And as far as Lauren knew, nothing got a man’s attention better than to arouse his jealousy a bit.

  She selected one of the sound crew as bait, a tall Hispanic guy named Julio, who had shown some interest in her over the last few days. Well, he was not that bad looking, Lauren admitted, while she watched him standing on top of the sound installation. Of course – he was nothing compared to Vance, even more so when she considered things like fame and money… where Julio was a nice Swarovski crystal, Vance was a diamond.

  “Hi, Julio!” She waved up at him and displayed her scantily clad body. “It looks so dangerous, when you are up there! I would get dizzy!”

  “I can handle that; been climbing everywhere since I was a little boy…”

  A moment later, he jumped down to her, just as she had expected. A hasty glance over the yard – no, Vance was not in sight yet. But Lauren knew he had to show up any minute to go over to the makeup trailer!

  “So… I don’t have to worry about you falling some day, do I?”

  “No, absolutely not. You are afraid I could fall down?”

  He stared down at her with huge brown eyes and was already very close with his hands. “I like a girl being afraid I could get hurt.”

  O really? Another secret look to the left, to Vance’s bungalow. Ah, the door opened! Lauren lifted the hand and brushed over her forehead.

  “Uh… my gosh… I’m already dizzy just watching you climb around!”

  As expected, Julio had his arm around the waist with a firm grip the next second. Lauren considered his touch quite greedy and thus of not much real interest. But it would serve its purpose, she hoped! Vance was crossing the yard, and he simply HAD to notice them both, or he was blind! She leaned against Julio’s bare chest, when Vance was right next to them.

  “Would you accompany me over to Chang’s? … Maybe it’s this heat, too… I�
��m sorry if I interrupted your work!”

  “I was finished. You didn’t disturb me at all! Feeling better now?”

  “Yes, now that we are in the shade… Thank you, Julio!”

  “How about getting together later – for a drink maybe?”

  “We will see after the shooting… supposed I’m not too tired, okay?” Of course she would be too tired – unless Vance showed some interest…

  Everyone was ready for the scene, where Arend Marens would be brought home from his hunting accident. They would film in the garden and on the porch, from different angles. Nearly all characters would be present, including a bunch of farm – and domestic workers plus their families and Marens’ friends from the hunting party. Therefore, besides the actors a lot of extras had to be briefed. A job that Nora Mendez took up. It was always difficult to coordinate such background action; however, she had experience with it. At the moment, the kids still played hide and seek between the trees and the camera men cast uneasy glances over to the little troublemakers.

  Alison gave last instructions to the main crew and actors. The makeup- and wardrobe-personnel flitted back and forth. Today the set was really a bustling bee hive! In the middle of all the agitation, someone knocked over a spotlight. They lost precious time in cleaning the area of the shards and setting everything up again.

  Jake yawned and took the opportunity to leave the camera for a moment and pay Vance a visit. He was laying on a stretcher in the grass and talked with the guy who would play the emergency doctor.

  “At least you’re comfortable, without rocks poking your back, this time,” Jake Bertoni joked with his friend.

  “Yes, that’s right. I wish they would get started, though. Otherwise we will work all night long – and I’ll probably fall asleep then…”

  ”Attention! Places everyone!” Allison shouted finally.

  Vance imagined her standing next to the main camera now, that particular focused expression on her face. He could barely hold back a smile. It felt good thinking about her. The regrets concerning Carolyn were still burning scars, but he didn’t feel guilty about his feelings for Alison anymore.