Hearts' Desires

by Anke Napp

  They had barely filmed the first minutes of the final sequence, when the right spotlight produced a sizzling sound and went dark a second later. Alison signaled to stop. The guy operating the lights cursed.

  “Shorted out, crap!” He crawled along the cable. “Here it is, looks like an animal gnawed on the cable! Shit! Are there any rodents here?!”

  “Maybe a rat…” another crew member threw in his opinion.

  “Anyway, we have to change the cable and fix a new spotlight. This will take a while. Sorry, Alison!”

  “Ok then. Coffee break for every one!” She tried not to sound too frazzled and infect the others with her annoyance, because that would be really bad and only lead to more mistakes and more stress! Maybe she should lay off the coffee!

  Much to Alison’s surprise and despite the fact they had to repeat half of the sequence several times they were done with it before sunset. As usual they gathered around the screens to watch the dailies with a critical eye.

  “When I read the script,” Alison confessed. “I was worried this end scene would be overly dramatic, with all that ‘forgive me’ and ‘I love you’.”

  Nora agreed. “I wouldn’t have given green light to this without some changes!”

  “If I had written the script, I’d have Marens die, with a good line,” Vance threw in. “Let’s see… maybe something like ‘no man should outlive his time’.”

  Jake grinned. “You just had a great dying scene in your last movie, so don’t complain!”

  “I won’t.” Vance massaged his neck. “I’ll really need a workout today, after being stretched out for hours! My God, I swear, I won’t do any dying and injury scenes in my next movie!”

  His gaze crossed Alison’s. They both smiled. Then, as if she had done something inappropriate, Alison’s expression changed. “Well, I think we all deserve our dinner! So, let’s go everyone!”

  Alison finished her salad and soy burgers even faster than usual. More often than not she had one eye on a sheet of paper and half of her mind on something work related during mealtimes. Today, it was more Vance’s presence, what made her nervous. He sat across from her, enjoying meatballs and fries – and smiled in her direction from time to time. She was embarrassed; because of the smile and because it made her nervous. However, the more she fought it, the tighter the emotion gripped her.

  “I’m going to check the new casings for the cables,” she finally excused herself and stood up. “So we don’t have any unexpected four-legged cable lovers visiting again!”

  She had just picked up the second casing, when steps made her turn around.

  “Always working?” Vance asked. “Not in the mood for a little after-dinner-walk up in the vineyards? It is not far, I’m sure you can handle it; your foot is much better already. And it’s a magnificent place, especially at dusk.”

  “Oh, you know I’m a workaholic!”

  “Yes, you are. And a perfectionist.” His smile told her he meant it as a compliment and not a put down , which is how she would normally have considered it.

  “I have to be. It is the only way to achieve something, especially for a woman.”

  Alison looked into the garden, where someone from the sound crew just gathered the last items. “If you are a man and you make a mistake in this business, they may forgive you; they might even laugh about it. If you are a woman, they write you off as weak and typical female, and you’ll be lucky to get ahead at all without passing through someone’s bed. That’s the way it is. As woman you have to be twice as tough in Hollywood. And if I have learned one thing from my father, it was to be tough.”

  “Sounds like a wise man… and … a lonely one.”

  “He was a despotic patriarch.”

  “Like Arend Marens?”

  Alison gave a short laughing snort to mask the uneasiness she felt. “You know, when I read this script for the first time, it was my father I saw and heard on so many pages. I almost turned the job down!” She stopped, not wanting to pour her heart out to him completely.

  “I’m glad you didn’t. Now, how about a short walk? Isn’t it a wonderful evening with the flowers blooming everywhere?”

  Alison found Vance’s gaze very gentle and seductive. Dangerous. She felt her heart beating faster. Hastily, she turned away. “Vance, we should say good night. It’s really time to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be very busy.”

  “I’ll walk you to your place.”

  “No, thank you. I mean, I have to go over to the RV first, talk to Burt about the spotlights. And I don’t know how long that will take.” She felt awfully silly listening to herself. She didn’t need to make excuses, and yet that was exactly what it sounded like. She could handle negotiations with the most demanding and tough producers and actors in Hollywood and walk out as the winner! And here she groped for words and struggled with saying ‘Good Night’!

  “So, Good Night, then, Alison!”

  The weird spell was broken. “Good Night,” she answered. “See you tomorrow!”

  Vance stayed there until it was dark. He smoked two cigarettes and felt totally at peace with everyone and everything. No question, he was in love. That information would probably find its way back to the tabloids much faster than he liked, and it would bring on some nasty headlines about how fast he had forgotten his poor dead wife. But at the moment he did not care about that. He didn’t want to lie to himself any longer; he didn’t want to pretend anymore, or feel like he was acting in his own life instead of living it! And at the moment, L.A. was still far away. He was here, in this strangely embracing, fulfillment promising landscape, with the rich aroma of flowers and earth. He was here, and Alison was here. And maybe, he thought, they would never return to the hectic pace of Los Angeles, the horrendous traffic in rush hour, the smog, the fast food joints! Maybe he could buy a farm somewhere around here and just enjoy life again! Vance felt young and adventurous.

  He closed his eyes and let his mind drift like a butterfly, from one wonderful thought to another. The most wonderful was to know Alison shared the sentiment. Although she obviously was afraid to let it show too much! He had to overcome her reluctance; to show her he was not a threat that she had to shield herself from, no danger to her individuality. He was sure he could break through those little barriers!

  Seeing one of the roses of the bush in front of the porch hanging down half broken, he reached out and tore it off completely. Like this flower now lying fragile in his hand, Alison needed special care. Rushing into things would destroy everything. He had to exercise patience, even if a part of him did not want to lose more time than he already had, and even if he was very much longing for some company.

  While Vance sat on the porch, Thabo squatted on the low bench in front of Jake’s bungalow and was not happy at all. He had waited for Lauren to show up this evening, perhaps to go jogging with her again, but she had vanished inside her place, simply ignoring him. And that after he had gone to the village and bought her one of the traditional trinkets made of glass beads!

  He had wandered around, wondering who he could talk to about his seemingly insurmountable problems. Finally, he was picked up by Jake, who had been on his way to procure a new bottle of Bourbon from the hotel.

  “…I just don’t know what to do,” Thabo confessed, scuffing the dust on the ground. “If you like a girl, and she… uhm… I mean…” He sighed. “I don’t know what to say, that’s the problem! She’s just so marvelous, gorgeous, perfect… uhm…”

  Jake Bertoni patted his shoulder. To think this boy thought HE of all people could help him out of his misery with some good advice! Heavens! After all his failed relationships! Moreover, Jake had a feeling he knew who Thabo had a crush on. And he didn’t consider her worth the effort. However, perhaps it was enough to let this kid vent his sorrows!

  “I’m just… nothing compared to her! She knows so much and is so… perfect.”

  “You shouldn’t say you’re nothing, son! I mean, look at you! How many guys your age have alre
ady performed in a movie?! And working with Alison Cartwright! That’s something special! – Do you want a drink? I was about to get something good from the old hotel bar?”

  Thabo shook his head. “No. Thanks. I don’t drink. My Church forbids it.”

  “Ah… okay. Never mind.”

  “You can give me some advice?” Thabo started again and looked confidentially at Jake. “Just ... how to make an impression… or something?”

  “Advice. Do you really want to hear it? Okay. I think a girl that doesn’t like you just the way you are is not worth your attention.” Perhaps that sounded a bit harsh, Jake mused, and continued: “What I mean to say is, you don’t need any gimmicks. It doesn’t help you at all! Women have a very fine sense for it, and they hate nice facades with nothing behind them. You know what I’m trying to say?”

  “Yes… But I like her.” The boy stared again in the direction of Lauren’s bungalow and made it obvious who was the center of his interest.

  Jake could only curse silently. That little harlot was the kind of women that was every decent man’s ruin. She flirted with everyone on the set! In addition, she was doing it only to piss off Vance!

  “Thabo, believe me. Try to get your thoughts off THAT girl. She will only cause you trouble. Just try it, son. You would be better off to start drinking!”

  The boy looked devastated and lowered his gaze on the ground again.

  “Come on, get your mind off her! There are plenty of pretty charming girls in this country, aren’t there?”

  Thabo sighed again and seemed to drown in a deep pool of desperation.

  Finally back in her bungalow, Alison undressed and as usual, hung her cloths neatly over the chair and stuffed the underwear in the ‘used’-bag. Somehow, the conversation she had had with Vance this morning came to her mind again.

  ‘You are a wonderful woman’ – what did that mean? That I’m attractive?

  Returning from the bathroom, her gaze wandered over her body. It was the first time in a long while that she looked at herself other than critically searching for traces of cellulite. She had never had the female hourglass dream shape. She took care to stay lean and fit, but beauty only counted as far as it was necessary in the business. She wanted to convince with her intellect and work, not seduce with additional silicon packs! Now, some strange thoughts started stirring in the deepest parts of her mind. Images of passion and love; of all those deep burning emotions she played with so well in her movies. Maybe… it needed only a little courage to leap – and she would experience all this for real?! With a decisive ‘No’ she strangled the thoughts, slipped in her night gown and switched off the lights.

  Vance tries to make up for things. Wants to be nice to me because he cannot do anything to fix his marriage and be nice to his wife anymore, she said to herself while crawling under the blanket. Simple psychological reaction. … I have to take care of him. With this thought, she fell asleep, not realizing she had forgotten her usual tranquilizer.

  When Alison opened her door the next morning, she discovered a drinking glass there, and in it a single rose.

  I can’t believe this! But she was more amused than annoyed. She picked up the makeshift vase and studied it…

  “The rose, it came from you, right?” she asked Vance some minutes later, on their way to the set.

  “Yes. I found it half broken and thought the poor thing would be better off with you than in my smoke-polluted room!”

  “Thank you. That hasn’t happened to me in a while!”

  “That’s too bad!” Vance smiled, and the little sparkles in his eyes made it impossible for Alison to maintain a stern expression.

  “This is just silly!” she answered laughing.

  “Well, I’m old enough to do silly things sometimes!”

  At that moment, someone called her from the hotel gate. With a hasty ‘See you’ Alison departed.

  Vance stuffed his hands in the trouser pockets and was still smiling when he discovered Jake just leaving the breakfast tent.

  “Hey, Morning!” Bertoni waved. “Slept well? Haven’t seen you in that a good mood for a while, pal! Where is the ‘grumpy old man’ I boarded the plane with in Los Angeles?!”

  “I hope we won’t see him again for another 30 years!”

  It was the third attempt to get the diary scene done. In theory, it was simple, didn’t need any great choreography, stunts, or dramatic acting skills. Nonetheless everything that could possibly go wrong did. Lauren had to change her costume, because one of the sound crew-guys spilled his coke on her dress; then Thabo messed up his lines, and then Lauren dropped the diary prop…

  “Second camera ready?”

  “Wait a moment!” The camera assistant replied. “I have a problem with the rails! – Burt, can you have a look at this? – Alison it’ll be just a minute!”

  She rolled her eyes.

  “This scene is cursed,” Vance whispered in her direction, fanning himself with his hat to get the illusion of a cool breeze in the midday heat.

  “So maybe I should call a local medicine man!” She raised her eyebrows, but smiled too.

  Seeing the glance they exchanged, Jake was happy for his friend. For years he had witnessed the on-going disaster of Vance’s marriage. The situation had deteriorated steadily, and this year it had been on the brink of becoming really destructive. Some people simply divorced, then moved on to the next relationship without any emotional baggage. He was one of those. Others struggled along, tried to fix what couldn’t be fixed, tried to revive a long dead dream by drowning themselves in futility. Vance belonged in that category. He was too headstrong to give up, and too much of a gentleman for having affairs. Another year, and he would’ve ruined not only his private life, but his career as well, Jake was sure.

  The camera assistant gave the ready-sign and thus ended Jake’s musings. The next moment, they all had to focus on the scene unfolding on the porch again.

  Camilla had just left the house, carrying her mother’s diary that she had recently discovered. Her facial expressions were good so far, and the lighting was correct, too. Hopefully this time it would work! And there Louis appeared on the scene!

  ”Morning, Camilla… Hey?”

  “O sorry, Louis. Didn’t hear you coming! I was reading.”

  “What is it?”

  “It’s …” She sighed and showed embarrassment. “It’s a diary. My mother’s.”

  “Misses Marens was a great woman! Everyone around here held her in high regard because…”

  “I don’t want to hear anything!”

  “But what…”

  “It was not true what you’ve said!” She lifted the diary, but fortunately did not lose her grip on it this time. “It is all written in here! The truth!”

  “I don’t understand!”

  “She was an informer for the government!”

  Shock in Luis’ face.

  “And in here she writes she can’t stand it anymore and thinks about ending her life! It was the day before she died!” Camilla covered her eyes with her free hand and sobbed. “And I was so mean and hateful to my father!”

  Alison watched Lauren’s performance with a merciless gaze. She was almost hoping to find something wrong with her; she just didn’t like her attitude, it was as simply as that! And it got worse with every passing day!

  But this time Lauren managed the scene flawlessly. Even the crying part in the end was convincing, and Thabo did fine, too. Now, the embrace… A bit awkward perhaps, but not bad. No, not bad at all. They played two teenagers in love for the first time, so it was ok to look timid. She gave the sign for ‘Cut’ and ‘Ok’.

  She couldn’t help imagining though how different the scene would’ve looked, if Lauren had to play it with Vance instead. Alison knew the other woman hadn’t given up yet. Moreover, she had every advantage on her side! She was young; she did not have to worry about grey hair, teeth implants or extra pounds in all the wrong places! She was what men wanted, and the older they w
ere the easier they fell for girls who knew the game! And why the hell am I wasting so much time thinking about this anyway? Alison thought angrily. It was absolutely not her business if Van Sorel chose to hook up with a girl young enough to be his daughter, as long as they did it with the necessary discretion to keep the press and this production out of it!

  “Alison? Everything okay?”

  She turned around and discovered Vance, displaying worry and his right arm in a position as if he was ready to catch her.

  “Yes. Of course.”

  “Thought for a moment you were going to faint! No wonder in this heat.”

  “I’m okay! Just lost in my thoughts.” She put her sunglasses back on and felt a bit better shielded behind the dark lenses.

  Lauren just stepped down from the porch and fixed them in an especially annoying, probing glare. Is she counting every single grey hair on my head?! Alison promised herself she would never again work with Miss Bastian. But… didn’t she want to stop working at all?! She sighed, feeling her sunglasses slowly slide down the bridge of her nose again because of the heat.

  “You are right, Vance, we should take a break. And wait till at least a little breeze comes up!”

  “We’ll probably see another thunderstorm this evening. Look at those clouds over the mountains!”

  “Promising…” Jake cut in, wiping with a tissue over his forehead. “As for me, I’ll be in the shower for the next few hours, in case anyone needs me…” He put the cover over the camera and shuffled in the direction of his bungalow like a marathon runner after the Death Valley tour.

  “Look at you man,” Vance called after him grinning, “where’s your endurance?!”

  “Ah… shut up!” Yes, his good old friend with his award-winning charm, as Jake liked to call it, was definitely back from a long vacation! Alison had been exactly what he had needed!