At Last

by Aliyat Lecky

  Helen and Magda fell easily into a comfortable conversation. They hit a bump in the road only once or twice when Magda made a comment regarding the age difference between Helen and Noami, but otherwise, they shared a rather enjoyable conversation. Helen was surprised to find Magda’s company so pleasant. Usually, she was so surly and rude. In the past, anytime Veda, her ex and business partner, was in the same room, Magda would glare at her and make bitter remarks about her and new girlfriend. However, this time, when Veda and LaDonna crossed their path on the way to the bar, Magda hardly seemed to notice them at all. Two thoughts crossed Helen’s mind. The first was that Magda was finally getting over the loss of their relationship. The second, Magda was quite attractive when she wasn’t wearing a churlish expression and chose not to project so much negative energy.

  In fact, until Angie arrived to shoo Magda away, Helen was enjoying her company to the point that she had pushed her quarrel with Noami practically out of her mind.

  “You better be careful, Helen, you don’t want to complicate things. You have enough to deal with as it is,” Angie said.

  “What are you talking about?” Helen asked.

  “You are so clueless. You really are.” Angie shook her head slowly for emphasis. “Let me put it this way. If Noami finds out you’ve been over here in this corner flirting with Magda, you are going to get a whuppin.” Angie laughed alone.

  Helen was slightly shocked, so the humor of the observation was lost to her.

  “This, by the way, is pretty interesting if you consider how much Magda used to hate your guts. But I have a theory about that.” Angie crossed her legs and did her best to give the impression of being erudite and sober, but the alcohol and her delight at watching her best friend squirm ruined the effect altogether.

  “Oh, shut up. I’m going to the bathroom.” Helen pushed brusquely past without another word.

  When Helen returned to her table, Angie was gone again. Noami had taken her seat once more.

  “I’m sorry, Helen. Dance with me?” She held her hand out.

  Helen permitted Noami to lead her to the dance floor, despite the fact that she was no longer in the mood to be there. They danced, moving slowly together until Helen excused herself before the song’s end.

  “No, Helen don’t go.” Noami whispered, holding her close. “I want to stay. Stay with me.”

  “You stay, Noami. I’m tired. I want to go to bed.”

  “Okay, come to my place. We can go to bed together.” She pressed her lips across Helen’s jaw line, then lightly down her neck. “Just you and me.” Noami accentuated each word with a tender, well-placed kiss.

  “No, I don’t think so. You stay and have fun. I’ve had enough for the night.” Helen regretted leaving as soon as she stepped into the cold night. A few inches of fresh snow covered the ground, concealing the dirty salt and sand layer, which made driving somewhat hazardous. She would have to drive all the way to Hidden Oaks in the slushy mess. She considered for a moment going back and taking Noami up on her offer. Of course, Noami had more in mind than the offer of a warm bed, and that was perfectly fine with Helen, except she was still stinging from their earlier exchange about Richard and Wire.

  Helen cursed out loud to the snowflakes and the slippery roads. She felt like Richard’s plan to thwart her chances with Noami was beginning to work, as if he had become the antagonist in her story. Wire’s meddling mind games were also maddening. She was worried that his and Wire’s interference was putting her and Noami’s relationship in dire straits. That feeling of apprehension remained with her all the way home, and followed her into her uneasy slumber, invading her dreams.

  SIXTEEN

  “YOU DIDN’T EVEN say, goodbye.”

  “I know, Angie, but what can I say? I was so tired by the time I left,” Helen said.

  “Don’t lie to me. Noami told me that you had words about Richard, and Wire’s crazy ass. She was very upset. Why didn’t you go with her? Did you know she had a romantic evening all planned out?”

  “Well, I’m happy she told you about it and not me.” Helen’s further disappointment manifested itself with irritation with Angie. “I was tired. Drop it.” Helen needed a distraction. She was done with thinking about how she might have behaved differently the night before. “Anyway, what time did you leave?”

  “Just after you. Noami found me and asked me to give her a lift. She didn’t want to walk in the cold. She expected to ride home with you. As I said before, she had a wonderful night planned for the two of you. She said was going to—”

  “Never mind.” Helen could only imagine the quaint colloquialism Angie was going to use to describe what Noami had in store for her. She was certain she would have thoroughly enjoyed the evening with Noami if she hadn’t been so sensitive. “I blew it. I don’t even know what came over me.” Helen paused. For a split second, she thought Angie had hung up on her. “Hello?”

  “I’m here.”

  “Oh, I thought I heard you hang up.”

  “What were you saying?”

  “One minute we were just fine. The next, I was demanding she tell me what Wire said to her when she went to the bar to get our drinks. I behaved childishly.” The more Helen talked about it, the worse she felt. She made up her mind during her conversation with Angie to give Noami a call to apologize. Maybe she would pay her a surprise visit to make up for the night before. “I don’t know what came over me.” She tugged gently at the hair at the nape of her neck.

  “She was pretty upset when we left, but she didn’t give me any details. Helen, before you go kicking yourself, remember it takes two to fight.”

  “I know, Angie. Listen, I have to go. I promised Richard I’d talk to him this morning. I believe I hear him down in the kitchen. Talk to you later.”

  “Later.”

  Richard was clearing up breakfast dishes when she found him. He paused as Helen entered the kitchen. “There’s a plate there for you if you’re hungry.”

  “No, thanks.” She opted for black coffee instead. She seated herself on one of the stools. “You mentioned you wanted to talk.”

  He began precisely as she hoped he wouldn’t, with declarations of love. Helen had evaded the conversation last night when he asked if she would talk to him before turning in to bed. She told him, truthfully, that she was simply too exhausted to carry on a civil conversation, so he let her go to her bedroom without pushing. Now, however, she sat patiently, waiting for him to make his point.

  “Helen,” he said, taking her by the waist. “You don’t understand what I’ve been going through.”

  “Richard, please let go.” Helen slid off the stool, putting a small amount distance between them. “Let’s just talk, if you don’t mind.”

  “Is that what you tell her?”

  “Fine.” Helen turned to leave. “I can’t do this so early morning, Richard.”

  Richard blocked the exit so she couldn’t leave before he apologized. Helen knew he hadn’t meant to begin so poorly, so she remained in the kitchen to hear him out. After all, it couldn’t have been easy for him to swallow the meal she was feeding him. On the other hand, she didn’t want to be forced to give into him because of her guilt. Her guilty conscience was what kept her there in residence. That was enough.

  Helen sat again. This time, she chose one of the breakfast nook seats. She patiently watched him rock from side to side as he gathered his thoughts.

  He wanted to be as precise as possible. Lately, Richard had been lobbing some pretty nasty remarks at Helen that she did her best to ignore because she realized that, when he spoke to her rudely, it was because he was working through a spot of raw pain. She watched him struggle with his thoughts. He wanted to be kind, yet he wanted to strike out at her as well. He had been doing a great deal of both.

  One moment, he would sit on the edge of her bed, begging her to reconsider and become his wife again. The next, he was threatening to ruin her life and rob her of any dignity if she continued on her present cour
se. Her response to both manifestations of his grief was to do her best to ignore what he was saying, and to focus on what he wasn’t saying. For instance, when he made loving comments, she tried to remember that his comments were about his own needs. When he was being horrible to her, which was the usual case, she remembered that he was being so mean because he cared for her. In other words, she tried to empathize with Richard, no matter how difficult he made the task due to his spitefulness.

  “Helen, I’ve been thinking. You don’t have to leave here. You may stay as long as you want. I’m not going to ever force you to go.” Richard position himself next to her, resting his hands on her shoulders.

  She didn’t know how to respond. The pendulum had swung once again. “Richard, can you tell me what you wanted to discuss? Last night, you said you had something imperative to say.”

  Richard pulled up a chair. He sat opposite her. “I love you. You know that hasn’t changed.” He waited for her reaction. “I’ve decided to forgive you for having an affair. I forgive you.” He sat back in the chair, his magnanimous shoulders pushed back, giving him an air of superiority. “More than that, I am certain that you still love me. It’s not too late to make it right.” He pressed himself forward. Taking Helen by the sides of her face, he landed a rough kiss on her mouth.

  Helen pulled free with considerable effort. She didn’t speak, but looked at him as if she were seeing him for the first time for quite a while. She wasn’t angry about what he had done. Nor was she shocked by his actions. More than anything else, she felt relieved. It occurred to her that Richard’s kiss was different. He kissed her, but the kiss was completely devoid of emotion and passion. Richard’s kiss was empty. He was simply going through the motions, behaving the way he felt he ought to.

  “What was that about?” she asked. “You didn’t mean that.” She felt composed.

  At first, he didn’t answer. He sat on the edge of his chair, staring at her as if she had slapped him across the face. Then after a few moments, he spoke. His voice trembled with anger. His face remained impassive. “You want to leave? Leave. Let me tell you this. It won’t last. You are a passing fancy. You are years older than she is. How long do you think you can keep her interested in you? Oh, maybe the fun will last a while, but after the novelty is gone, do you think she will want you?” The pendulum swung back, and dangled precariously above Helen’s neck. “And,” he continued. “You don’t have enough in common to sustain a real relationship. What does she want from you, anyway?”

  Helen stood abruptly. “I’ve heard enough. You’ve said this all before. I don’t need to listen to this. When you are ready to talk to me like a sane person, let me know.”

  “Sane? How do you expect me to be sane when you’re tearing my life apart?” He blocked her way again. “You owe me, Helen. I deserve to have you hear me out.”

  “Richard, I want to, but not when you get like this. I will not listen to you like this. You may not berate me like some cheap—”

  “Okay. I get it. A younger woman gets you off—”

  “Move,” Helen demanded.

  “And you like it. You love it. Look, it was bound to happen. This occurs in most marriages with people our age. Usually, it’s the man, but who gives a shit? Helen, stop this madness now. Return to our bedroom, and we can go on like this never happened.”

  “I can’t.” Helen didn’t realize she was crying until she tasted her salty tears. “I can’t, Richard.”

  For a fleeting moment, Helen thought she saw what she had been trying to communicate to Richard flash in his eyes. A dawning understanding of what she was experiencing. Then it was gone. Perhaps her emotional display cracked his hard exterior long enough for him to recognize what she had been trying to make him comprehend. In that brief moment, he looked as if he understood. Within seconds, frustration mixed with desperation again took hold of his naked expression.

  “Okay, fine. Let’s make a deal. Stay in our marriage just for the sake of my campaign. We’re in an election year. Stay until the election is over. That’s all I ask of you.”

  “Richard, I can’t.”

  “Why? You haven’t anything to lose. Your girlfriend is mad at you. She’s going to go back to her old lover. You’re fighting, right?”

  Helen wanted to smack that smug look from his face. He hit close to home. Too close to the heart of the matter. She was afraid he and Wire might come between her and Noami. Had he somehow enlisted Wire into his campaign to get her back?

  “Wait.” She turned to face him. “You were listening on the phone while I was talking to Angie. That was you I heard on the line.” She shook her head slowly. Just before she reached the door, Richard dug in for a final blow.

  “She’s going to leave you, Helen. There’s too much difference between you for it to last. Age, for one. Culture. You don’t understand each other. You can’t. Who is she, anyway? What the hell does she stand for? Do you know, Helen? She’s going to tire of you. When she does, I won’t be here for you. You will be left on your own. All alone. Is that what you want?”

  Helen turned slowly as if to exit. “Richard, I don’t know what to say.” She was stunned by his words, and shaken by the strength of conviction with which he verbalized his prediction. Her husband of twenty-six years was hurting. She had injured him. He sought to lick his wounds with her repentance. He was lashing out in desperation with every weapon he could find to preserve his life and maintain the status quo. She couldn’t yield to him. Yet self-reproach held her there in their home.

  She wondered if he was right. What would she do if Noami decided to break it off? After the night before, that seemed like a great possibility. Noami was angry with her when they separated, but Helen had contributed to her bad humor by acting like a child throwing a tantrum, all because Noami refused to quarrel with her. She was aware of Noami’s displeasure with her decision not to accept her invitation to go home with her. That wouldn’t justify her breaking it off with Helen, not that alone. However, Helen’s behavior wasn’t their only obstacle. Many complications served as difficulties to them enjoying a healthy, long-lived relationship. As Richard mentioned, age was one of them. Richard himself was proving to be quite more than an annoyance. Wire’s frequent provocations threatened to unhinge their connection. Helen’s own internal battles functioned as the worst threat of all. Her guilt about destroying her family placed what she shared with Noami in jeopardy and utter peril.

  “Is that really what you want?” he asked.

  “Richard, I have to go. I’m meeting Sydney.”

  “Sure you have to go, but not just yet. I’m not done talking to you yet. What would happen to your precious Noami if the well ran dry?”

  Helen understood the innuendo. Richard was suggesting Noami’s interest in her was at least in part due to Helen’s financial success. He wasn’t aware that Noami was more than independent and didn’t need financial support.

  “I’m sorry, Richard.” Helen was devastated. “I never meant to hurt you.” She picked at pixel-like dot formation on the granite counter. What else could she say to him?

  “You don’t have to be sorry for me. It’s you you should be sorry for.” He charged forward, spitting truth in her face. “I trusted you. I gave you my heart. I invested years of my life in you.”

  Helen stood still, determined to take what he pushed on her. Contrition.

  “What will she do when your book deals fall through, or when no one wants to buy your books anymore because they find out you are a lesbian? Will she stay with you then?” Richard’s contorted face was unrecognizable to Helen. She had never seen him this way. She had done this to him. Onus.

  Helen listened to everything Richard had to say before escaping into the wintry outdoors. She had remained quiet while he berated her about her affair. She said nothing when he called her names and further shamed her for her infidelity. She didn’t even refute his claims of abuse when he charged that she had ruined him for any other relationship, because after her, he wo
uld never trust another woman again. She did nothing when he grabbed her by both her arms and shook her violently for her own good. She merely grabbed hold of the nearest surface to balance herself when he released her. And when he first tried to make a deal for her to remain in the marriage until elections were over, then threatened to ruin her career if she didn’t, Helen answered calmly.

  “No, Richard.” Her voice scarcely above a whisper. “I don’t think I could do that.” She had faced him straight on. Her sins borne squarely on her shoulders. He, on the other hand, couldn’t look her in the eyes. As she left the house, he continued to scream declarations of love, and vile comments at her back, a juxtaposition of love and hate, even as she politely excused herself, because she was late to meet with their daughter, Sydney.

  On the ride to Sydney’s house, Helen came upon a group of brightly painted service vehicles from Minnesota Department of Transportation—MnDOT. Their color contrasting sharply from the bright white of a recent snow blanketing the ground. Helen watched the slow progression of the staggered orange MnDOT snowplows with keen awareness. She scrutinized their progress as one driver exited the group to persist forward on his appointed route, and couldn’t help but consider that the unbroken, well-organized winter convention was a function of an open system whose activity had undergone a great deal of analysis and had been improved upon until it could become one of the best examples of winter-time streamlined efficiency. She couldn’t help but consider, too, that the tried system served as a metaphor for her life.

  Still, her study of the MnDOT system couldn’t keep her mind from returning to her husband. Richard’s rebukes lay heavily on her. She was so profoundly impaired by his enmity that she could scarcely breathe. She tried to leave his tirade behind, but his words continued to echo around her. He threatened to ruin her career. He promised to sabotage any chance she had with Noami. He begged her to reconsider her decision. He attempted to bargain with her happiness as if he held rights to it.