At Last

by Aliyat Lecky

  Helen felt overwhelmed with guilt. She didn’t blame herself for his discontent, but certainly realized she was culpable for some measure of his despondency. He was so angry and vindictive. By now, Richard had probably called Sydney to update her on the most recent episode. The possibility that Sydney would be waiting at her front door ready to judge her action was too much for her to endure. Helen pulled over to the shoulder of the freeway and broke down into low, suppurating cries audible only to herself. What if he was right? What if she had lost it all? What if her family divorced themselves of her completely? Helen buried her wet face between her arms. Her hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly, the stitching of the leather cover imprinted in her palms. Noami came with no guarantee. What if she lost it all because of her own selfishness? Would she wake up one morning to find that she had no one to love, or no one to care for her?

  INTERQUEL – WINTER SOLSTICE

  WINTER OFFICIALLY BEINGS on November twenty-first, but for those living in the Heart Land, winter does not truly begin until the first good snow, which by Minnesota reckoning, does not occur until mid-December. The good people of Minnesota love their winters with its glistening clean snow, sparkling frozen lakes, and early evenings spent at home with family, enjoying stew and soup season. Minnesotans favor this season for an entirely different reason than they love the others. Winter offers the opportunity to show the rest of the country yet again how a state is supposed to be run, because if nothing else, the people who dwell in MnDOT territory are proud of its winter systems, considered by many to be the best in the entire world. However, winter, with all its opportunities to shine, was only the second favorite season, despite the promise of still lakes frozen deep enough to support expensive fishing houses.

  Although Noami loved December, she hated winter. She had lived in Minneapolis for nearly as long as she lived in California, and had yet to come to love the frigid temperatures. Snow, she felt, was the only saving grace for winter. For most that lived in subzero winters, snowfall was mundane. For Noami, coming from California where the snow never fell, each time the white crystalline mantle covered the trees and ground, she felt blessed and inspired. Then the snowplows completed their appointed task, pushing the once-fluffy flakes into packed, icy barriers. Commuters driving their cars maneuvered across the landscape, leaving their dirty tire tracks behind. The clean snow was defiled by life, spoiling the pretty Christmas card fantasy that appealed to Noami and made the cold day and freezing night temperatures bearable.

  The snow fell silently on the street. Noami stood at her window looking down and wondering how much longer she would have to wait until the snow melted to give way to spring. Too long. Most of the season lay before her even now. She checked off the significant days to come before spring. Christmas would come and pass in a few days. The New Year would follow shortly. After that, her mother’s birthday in February. Valentine’s Day came next. Noami’s thoughts changed suddenly from hating winter, to February fourteenth. That coming year’s Valentine’s would have to be special. She would have to come up with a special gift for Helen. That was, if Helen was still with her at that time. Noami hoped so. The last week had been rocky.

  She was afraid that Helen was on the verge of breaking up with her. Her husband had been torturing her on a daily basis for her transgressions. Noami urged her to move out, but she promised him she wouldn’t until they went to counseling together. Helen and her daughter, Sydney, were at odds, because Sydney and her husband were trying to get pregnant. An idea which troubled Helen. Noami wasn’t quite sure why Helen was so against her daughter’s impending pregnancy. Helen had tried to explain, but she still didn’t quite get it. Noami guessed the issue was a matter of dissimilar philosophies. In addition to that, Helen had shared with her fear that Angie, her best friend, was distancing herself from her. All in all, Noami was worried that their relationship had cost Helen too much, and she wasn’t sure how much longer Helen would feel that she was worth the losses.

  Noami stared down onto the street, watching the people on the boulevard. She should have been working on a few commissioned paintings that were meant for Christmas presents. She was in no mood to be creative, so she used the fact that she was waiting for a new consultation as an excuse not to work. Besides, Helen filled her thoughts for the moment. Helen, and how she would continue to support her when her lover would need her most. Noami was worried that their relationship wouldn’t survive because it was the very thing that was causing Helen so much turmoil.

  Some of her friends cautioned Noami against further involving herself with her. They warned her that a woman who came with the complications that Helen came with could only end in a great deal of pain. She had considered heeding their advice, but for Noami, there was no turning away. She had been inexplicably drawn to Helen from the very beginning when she followed her around town sketching her. Even then, she knew that Helen was special. She was an incredibly intelligent woman and a generous lover, who was caring and tender. In addition to that, they seemed to connect on a level that Noami had never experienced before with any other woman. She felt as if she had known Helen all her life. There were times when they were alone, when all was quiet, that her life seemed simply perfect. No, she wouldn’t give up on Helen, not even if Helen herself advised her to do so. Noami was stuck on Helen Dahl.

  She was pulled out of her private reverie by the sight of a woman who turned into her stair entry. Her next consultation? She assumed correctly. Noami opened the door, knowing who would be standing there. She had recognized Sydney from the street.

  “Good morning. Come in, please.” Noami decided the moment she recognized her that she would remain patient long enough to find out why she had gone through the trouble of making an appointment and coming to her studio.

  “Thank you.” Sydney smiled shyly as she stepped into the warm space.

  Now that she was in, Noami took the opportunity to get a good look at Helen’s daughter. She looked a lot like her mother, but her father had left his mark as well. Sydney was pretty, yet she lacked the stunning beauty of her mother or grandmother. Noami wondered why she was there. She didn’t believe for a moment that Sydney was actually there to contract a painting. Whatever the reason, Noami had no intention of playing along.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you, Sydney. Helen’s told me so much about you.”

  Her guest was stunned by her candor. “You know who I am, then?”

  “Yes, I know who you are. I can only assume by your presence that this visit is regarding Helen.”

  “My mother.” Sydney seemed to be considering her words carefully. “She isn’t aware that I know about you. So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to keep it that way.”

  “That would depend on why you have come here under the guise of patronage. What can I do for you?” Noami motioned to the small sofa. “Please, let me take your coat, and make yourself comfortable.”

  The idea of making herself comfortable in her mother’s lover’s home obviously didn’t appeal to Sydney. She pulled her jacket tighter across her front, as if she were afraid Noami might violate her. “No, thank you. I don’t plan to stay that long.”

  “Fine.” Noami had to remind herself that the little bitch standing before her was Helen’s daughter. “Then why don’t you save us both from further discomfort by telling me why you’re here so we can then deal with it.”

  “I don’t know, really.” Sydney looked around the room, taking in as much data as she could. “I felt like I needed to…”

  “Like you needed to what? Meet the woman who was destroying your family?” Noami raised her brow, daring Sydney to commit. “Or did you feel like you needed to come here to ask me to spare your mother any further anguish?”

  “I can only imagine what you might think of me for barging in like this. I wanted to meet you face to face…to see for myself.”

  “And?” Noami wasn’t going to let her off easily. This woman had been giving Helen hell for weeks without once telling
her that she was aware of her infidelity to her father. Sydney resented the woman standing before her, and imagined that they would never be friends because of the very act she was presently committing. Sydney was manipulating her mother for her own comfort, and now she was trying to do the same to Noami. This particular manner of familial interaction was foreign to her.

  “No, and, Ms. Collins…” She seemed to have lost her nerve. “I am sorry to have disturbed you. I came because I felt as though I had to. You may be thinking my father sent me, but he doesn’t know I know about you. You see, they have been very careful not to involve me or my brother in their affairs.”

  Noami was indifferent. “And, so, you’ve seen me. Now what?” She crossed her arms defiantly. “Would you like me to answer a few questions? Provide a few personal details?”

  “I know how you must be feeling. I can’t imagine what you must think of me for coming here like this.”

  Noami didn’t reply.

  “I would like to make an appeal while I am here.”

  “I thought as much.”

  “I’d like you to give my mother some space. Give her a little time to work things out with my father. You understand. I’m not sure my mother has considered the ramifications of her decision. I don’t believe she’s thinking clearly.” She took a deep breath before adding the rest. “I believe she’s quite enamored by you. I know I don’t have a right to ask this of you. But I felt—”

  “Yes, I know. You felt the need to come see me for yourself. You’ve said as much.” Noami felt a surge of compassion for Helen’s daughter.

  “And, to ask you to allow them to mend their marriage.” She glanced around Noami’s studio. Sydney appeared to have said her peace. “I guess I should leave you to your work. You are really very talented.”

  Noami held the door open for her. She didn’t close the door immediately. Instead, she watched Sydney’s descent down the stairs until she turned left on the sidewalk. Once she was out of sight, Noami returned to the window to contemplate her next decision. She played her conversation with Sydney in her head as she looked down on the street. Sydney’s visit was the limit. The snow ceased to fall. Noami was disappointed to find that the light flurry failed to conceal the dirty evidence of man’s transgression on Mother Nature’s one winter bequest worth having.

  SEVENTEEN

  “WHAT DO YOU mean you’re sitting on the freeway?” Angie shouted through the receiver.

  “I had to pull over. I think I was beginning to have a panic attack.” Helen was embarrassed just admitting as much. “Richard let me have it. Angie, he was so distraught, I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Too much to repeat. Besides, I don’t want to rehash. I just needed to talk to you so I could calm myself.” Helen raised her prone palm to inspect her level of tension. “I’m still shaking.”

  “Were you actually scared?”

  “I wasn’t frightened, but it wasn’t the most comfortable moment in my life.” Helen rested her forehead on the steering wheel. “I have to get my bearings. All of a sudden, I just couldn’t drive.”

  “Helen, you don’t have to take that shit from him.”

  “Angie,” Helen said in warning. “Don’t.”

  “What do you mean, don’t? Screw don’t. You don’t have to pay for this decision for the rest of your life, and you sure as hell don’t have to let him bully and badger you until you are so stressed out, that you can’t manage to drive from Hidden Oaks to Chanhassen. That shit is dead.”

  “I know, Angie. I don’t know how else to help him.” Helen was feeling panicky again. “He didn’t ask for this to happen to him after all our years together. And he certainly doesn’t deserve this.”

  “Well, stay with him, then. That’s what he wants, anyway. Give in and give him what he wants…you.”

  “I can’t.” Helen wished for his sake that she could. “I’ve actually considered doing just that, but I simply cannot.”

  “That’s what I thought. I was just telling Orlando as much last night. He was hassling me about putting pressure on you to go back. But I told him—”

  “Orlando said what?” Helen was shocked by what she thought Angie said. “Did you say that Orlando…what did he say?”

  “Nothing, girl. He was giving me grief because I have been supporting you. He seems to think that I should be supporting you as a couple, not as a singleton. Forget him. He’ll get over it. Or he won’t.”

  Helen’s heart sank. “I don’t want to cause you any problems at home, Angie.”

  “Helen, I love you. You are my dearest friend. There is nothing I won’t do for you. There is also nothing I won’t give you, so I will tell you this straight, and I mean it. You don’t have the ability to cause any trouble between Orlando and me. If we have problems, it’s because we have created them. Do you understand me? You cannot, nor can my support of a dear and cherished friend, harm our relationship.” Angie paused. “Now get your ass off the side of the road and get going before some fool import driving too fast for conditions finds you there. I’ll check on you later, you hear?”

  “I love you, Angie.” Helen wiped tears from her cheeks.

  “And Helen?”

  “Yes?

  “Don’t let that brat daughter of yours give you any grief, either. I know that’s why she invited you over there, to add more pressure. Little—”

  “Bye, Angie.” Helen felt somewhat better. She could always count on Angie.

  ***

  SYDNEY WAS AT the door before Helen had a chance to ring the bell.

  “Hello, Mom. I didn’t want to wake the girls. Come in.” Sydney led Helen to the formal living room. “They were up late last night with Sid’s parents, so I’ve put them down for a nap.

  “Aw, I was looking forward to a visit with them, Sydney. Couldn’t they have waited a few minutes to say hello to grandma?”

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I wanted a little alone time…to talk. When we’re done, we can get them up if they’re still asleep.”

  Helen sat in the indicated chair, knowing, as Angie had predicted, that she wasn’t simply invited to her daughter’s home for a social visit. “Fine, Sydney. Let’s get this over with. What can I do for you?”

  Sydney’s formality put Helen off a bit. Her daughter began tentatively, but very soon found her stride. Sydney began by thanking Helen for accepting her invitation. Then she spent most of their time together trying to convince Helen to remain in her marriage for the sake of her family. At one point, she threw Helen’s words back into her face. Sydney reinforced her feelings of family and marriage. The daughter reminded the mother of the many times she emphasized the happiness to be derived from well-formed familial bonds.

  Helen countered that people change. That families change. She tried to reassure Sydney that she does love her family, but has come to understand that family is not a dream, but a reality that must be lived, not imagined, and that no matter how much relationships transform, the love that once existed is real.

  Sydney accused Helen of being economical with the truth now when it suited her. She also blamed Helen for destroying her father’s life and possibility of happiness for him. To this, Helen made it very clear, that while she didn’t mind discussing the relationship that they—mother and daughter—shared, and how her recent decisions affected that bond, but that her relationship with Richard was, in no uncertain terms, none of her business.

  In the end, Sydney remained steadfast in her values concerning marriage and what she described as Helen’s annals of lies. She encouraged Helen not to be induced by confusing thoughts about marriage. Sydney confirmed Helen’s fears by admitting that Helen had indeed passed on her ideas about the perfect family. According to Sydney, Helen had raised her daughter in a very close family, and made sure she understood how important family is.

  “Mom, I grew up knowing I could tell you anything. I never had to hide anything from you. You are breaking up our perfect family. You are b
etraying our trust by leaving Dad.”

  Helen replied, “I am still your mother. Dad remains your father, and David will always be your brother. Our relationships are not dependent upon my staying in a marriage with your father. You are old enough to realize that. I am sorry I made you believe in an ideal that does not exist. I love you.”

  “Mom, I know you love me, but you are breaking my heart.”

  As Helen made her way home to prepare for her dinner date, she considered her conversation with Sydney, which had only reaffirmed her decision concerning living for herself.

  ***

  AFTER A TENSION-FILLED dinner with Noami at Capitol Grill, Helen sped home through tears blurring her vision of the world. She pulled into the drive where she left her haphazardly parked Jaguar. She ignored Richard’s surprised expression altogether, seeking the refuge of her bedroom. Once closed in her own room, she dialed the only person she believed might lend her any support.

  “Angie, it’s over.” Having finally verbalized the cruel veracity, Helen fell to her knees with the telephone secured tightly to her ear, crushing the point of her generous ear adornment deep into the soft flesh just above the angle of her jaw. So preoccupied was she with her recent ordeal that she felt no physical pain. Her heart was breaking. That ache trumped any other pain, physical or otherwise. “Noami broke it off.” She began to cry into the receiver, completely oblivious to the third person listening in uninvited.

  “Helen, I’m on my way.”

  “No, don’t. Just talk to me.”

  “I can’t believe it, Hels. What happened?”

  Helen recounted her evening with Noami. “She called, saying she wanted to meet for dinner. I was delighted, because we hadn’t planned to see each other until the day after tomorrow. We met at seven because Noami had to work late at the gallery. I knew something was going on as soon as I saw her. Angie, she looked so tired and stressed out. I asked her immediately what was wrong.”