At Last

by Aliyat Lecky

  “Did she tell you?”

  “No, she was noncommittal. I should have pressed her as soon as I realized something was off, but I’d really had enough, you know. I simply wanted to enjoy a stress-free evening with her.”

  “Oh, what happened at Sydney’s?”

  “Just what you supposed, but I’ll get to Sydney, trust me.”

  “Sydney? What does Sydney have to do with Noami?”

  “Damn it, Angie. Stop asking so many questions and listen. I’ll get to it in its time. Noami was quiet through most of dinner. She didn’t say much. But, Angie…” Helen began to sob again.

  “Oh, honey. I’m coming over.”

  “No.” Helen shook her head at the phone. “Don’t. I need to talk now. Being here won’t change how I feel.” Helen wiped her face on her shirtsleeve. “Angie,” she continued once she composed herself again. “She was so beautiful. I thought to myself that I’m so lucky. I felt so happy, even though I knew something was wrong.”

  “Helen, hell, she’s the one who’s lucky.”

  “Oh, shut up and listen.” Helen felt no better taking her anguish out on Angie. “I’m sorry, sweetie. Where was I? Oh, yes. She was so beautiful, Angie. So after dinner, neither of us ate much, I asked if she wanted me to come over.” Helen pounded her fist on her forehead. “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming.”

  “What?”

  “She didn’t really answer my question. She said she wanted me to walk with her a bit. At first, I thought she must be mad, it was so cold out, but she insisted. She said she wasn’t ready to go in, and thought a walk might do us both some good. We had been walking for less than a block when she told me.” Helen’s voice cracked.

  “Helen. Oh, honey.”

  Helen waved her hand at the receiver, as if to quiet Angie’s concern through the hard plastic. It took Helen a few minutes to control her outpour of emotion. Her core was torn asunder, and she was attempting to recount the facts that lead to her own heartbreak. The acute pain in her chest rang with the same intensity as the sharp ache in her head.

  “We stopped along the street where I parked my car. She led me to my car and asked if we could sit there. Then she told me that she couldn’t see me anymore, that I needed to take care of my family before I could commit.”

  “What does she mean before you could commit? I thought you two were committed.”

  “She’s right, though. Especially after what happened today.”

  “What happened?” Angie’s voice took on the tone of a mother who knew the bad news before her child owned up to the misdeed she had committed.

  “Sydney.” Helen sniffed loudly.

  “Sydney? What does she have to do with this?”

  “Apparently, Sydney paid her a visit today.”

  “Today? But you were at Sydney’s today. Didn’t she mention that she went to see Noami?”

  “No. She didn’t mention it at all. Anyway, you can imagine my surprise. What could I say? I apologized for Sydney’s interference. I told her I’d talk to Sydney, but that wouldn’t do. Noami kept saying that I had to deal with my family before I was ready. She accused me of holding on while trying to move forward at the same time, which wasn’t fair to anyone involved. She said she couldn’t handle more drama, that that was why she got out of her relationship with Wire.” Helen paused. “That was the other thing she mentioned. That she didn’t want to put me through the games that Wire was trying to play with me.”

  “Well, hell, you are a grown-ass woman who can handle herself…and Wire. Did you tell her that?”

  “Yes, I did, but that didn’t seem to matter. Noami said she felt bad for Richard. She told me that he calls her whenever he feels like it and begs her to leave me alone. And that she cannot handle the stress of contributing to a broken home.”

  “A little late for that, huh?”

  “That’s what I told her. But she insisted that it wasn’t too late to make it right.” Helen held her breath, concentrating on regaining her composure. “She asked me to let her know when I became completely available.” She swallowed hard again. “She told me she loved me, but that I needed to reconcile who I am with my family.”

  “Oh, honey.” Angie was also in tears.

  “Angie, I don’t know what to do.” Helen’s voice was completely altered by the rawness of emotion. “I don’t know what to do.” She began to weep uncontrollably. “I asked her to let me clear things up, for more time. I begged her not to leave me. But she did.”

  “Helen, I know she loves you. This must have been hard for her.”

  “I know.” She shook her head.

  “Then what happened?”

  “She kissed me goodbye and asked me to hurry, because she would find it difficult to live without me.”

  “Helen, you know what? Noami is a good egg. I know she loves you, but she really is doing the selfless thing. I told you we talked, and I know she adores you.”

  Helen’s hopes rose, warming the chill in her core. “So you don’t think it’s over?”

  “No, I don’t. Think about what you just said. She’s in love with you, girl. She’ll wait for you. Just don’t make her wait too long.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Helen, anytime. You just get your shit together so you can get back to that happiness you found.”

  “I love you, Angie.”

  “Honey, how could you not?”

  ***

  HELEN WAS STARTLED by the sharp knock on her bedroom door. She had cried herself to sleep without taking off her street clothes. She wiped the black circles of mascara from beneath her eyes onto her cheeks. She made a quick sprint to the bathroom after catching her reflection as she approached the door. She looked like a wet raccoon.

  “Hold on, Richard.” Who else could it be at this time of night? “What is it?” She stood in her doorway, blocking entry into her room. She had no patience for him. Not after her evening.

  “I’d like to talk.”

  She sighed loudly. “Can’t it wait until tomorrow?”

  “No, I think not. May I come in?”

  “Fine, but only for a short while.” Pointing to a chair in another area of the spacious room, as far from the bed as she could manage, she asked, “What do you want, Richard?”

  “I’m going to be honest with you. I heard your conversation with Angie.”

  “What? How dare you!” Helen hardly knew how to respond. “You have no right listening in on my private conversations.

  “You’re right.” He held his hand aloft in peace.

  “Get out.”

  “I will, but I need you to hear me out.” His face softened. “I want you to know it will be all right. We can be okay.”

  “Okay? Are you kidding me? Have you any idea what your intrusion cost me?” She looked at him as if she didn’t know him. “I can’t believe you.” She dug her fingertips in her eye sockets, trying to force clarity into her brain. “You can’t possibly think that because she doesn’t want to see me that this changes anything between us?”

  “I’d hoped—”

  “You’d hoped?” Helen cut him off. “Let me explain this to you one final time.” She moved closer to him and looked into his eyes. She wanted nothing more than to finally get him to understand that what was happening to their marriage wasn’t his fault. Nor was their breakup her fault. Helen had made a decision many years before she ever knew him, in part, because she had her heart broken by Maggie, and in part, because she rejected the marriage her mother and father projected. She convinced herself that what she needed to find happiness was a strong man.

  “I love women, Richard. I’ve always known. I really care for you, but I was wrong to marry you. I thought I would find happiness in your arms, and I did. I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I ever was. I have always been happy with you, but there was always something between us, and that thing kept me from personal harmony. I could go on with you, but I’d be cheating you, and myself.
At my age, Richard, I’m finally wise enough to know I have to move on. I have to live for me. I’m sorry if that hurts. I can imagine what you must be feeling, but I can’t base my decisions for the rest of my life on what you need from me. That would be forcing me to ignore what is necessary to fulfill my own needs.” Helen held the side of his face tenderly in her hand. She fixed her eyes on his. She wanted to be sure to reveal to him all that she had held in for so many years. “I have to move forward, Richard.”

  Richard shook his head slowly and kissed her gently in her opened palm. “I know.”

  “And I have to move out,” she added with great care.

  Helen could see Richard struggling. “You say you care. I believe you love me. What has changed about you that you can’t stay and still be happy? You said you were happy before. We were happy.”

  Helen tried to work out in her head how to adequately answer his question. She remained standing close to him. She could tell that he was standing precariously close to the edge of an abyss. Helen gazed into his befuddled expression, making a solemn promise to stand there with him as long as it took for him to recognize that what he wanted from her wasn’t necessarily the best choice for anyone involved.

  Helen smiled sweetly. “Richard, you have to understand, this is not about Noami. She has nothing to do with this, with us and where we are, or where I am. I’m not engaging in an experiment because I’m experiencing a midlife crisis.”

  “I believed Noami, you…” He stumbled over his words in an attempt to be respectful, despite the bitterness threatening to choke any heartening feelings left behind. “I didn’t get that this was really more than an affair. I can’t believe I’m here at this stage in my life.” Richard spoke after several minutes of silence. “I don’t know what I am supposed to do now.”

  “I know, Richard. But I need you to be open to the possibility of life without me, and the idea of happiness newly defined.”

  EIGHTEEN

  SYDNEY SAT MOTIONLESS, starring at the handset, knowing that no matter how long she did so the phone wouldn’t dial itself. She was still stinging from the tongue-lashing she received from Sidney. Her husband who was reasonably angry with her, and with good reason. She tried to break the news that she had changed her mind about getting pregnant as carefully as she could, but the gentle delivery didn’t help matters. She had known before she broached the subject what his reaction would be. He was so pleased when she told him that she was finally ready to add to their family, which he had been hinting at for years.

  She should have known it would come to this. After all, when she agreed to get pregnant again, she had done so for the wrong reasons. Sydney believed that having a baby would be such a blessed event, that everyone would forget about their private concerns in order to rally around the new baby. Her mother would begin behaving normally once more. Her father would pay more attention to his wife’s needs and not be so selfish. Her brother would return to the family fold, but then again, they never shared what she considered ought to be a close brother-sister bond. Most of all, her husband would begin to spend more time at home with her and their daughters. He would worry less about business and begin to appreciate and take more notice of his devoted wife and their two lovely daughters. Sydney imagined that a baby would bring her family together.

  Her mother had warned her against just that. She cautioned Sydney that her motivation for having another baby was deeply flawed, that she would regret putting off her career for having another child. Her mother argued that she had her life and career ahead of her. She told Sydney that she was making a grave mistake.

  Sydney had defended her decision, saying that it had nothing to do with the reasons her mother mentioned. She wasn’t having a baby to mend relationships, however, in the end, Sydney had to admit to herself that her mother had been right all along. She was trying to get pregnant for the wrong reasons. Recently, she had taken stock of her life, and weighed her blessings and misfortunes. Sydney had to admit to herself that now wasn’t the right time to have a baby, at least not for her. She missed her kids, her students, and she missed being a student. Having a baby would only prolong the time it would take for her to get back to the classroom, both as a student and teacher. Did she not deserve to have what she wanted?

  Debating the issue with her husband didn’t change her mind. He had thrown a royal fit. He yelled for what seemed like forever, pouted much too long for an adult male, then slammed out of the house without as much as a goodbye. His actions only confirmed that her decision was right, and that her mother had been right all along. Now Sydney was left alone to contemplate her situation. The more she thought about it, the happier she became with her choice. Now all there was to do was call her mother. She would be so happy for her.

  Sydney tried her mom at home. No answer. She left a message on her voice mail when she failed to answer the cell phone. Then she tried Angie’s home.

  “Hello.”

  “Hello, may I speak with Angie or Helen, please?”

  “Angie is not home. Helen does not live here.”

  Orlando’s harsh tone caught Sydney off guard. So shocked was she, that she didn’t recover in time from his callous greeting before he slammed down the phone to identify herself. Sydney stared at the headset, not sure what to make of Orlando’s attitude. He had been like an uncle to her for all her life. As long as she had known him, he had never taken such a tone with her. She had to believe that he mistook her for someone else.

  ***

  ORLANDO SLAMMED DOWN the phone with more force than he intended. He was steaming mad. How dare they call his house asking for his wife? What nerve! He wasn’t about to let what happened to Helen happen to his wife. Angie wasn’t going to turn out like she had. That was dead unacceptable. He felt unexpectedly apprehensive. Now those lesbians were actually calling his wife—in his home, no less.

  “Ang, could you come here?” he shouted in the general direction of his wife. “Ang!”

  “What, ‘Lando? I’m in the next room. What are you shouting for?”

  Orlando paid no attention to her irritated tone. “The phone was for you.” He stood with his hands braced hard on his waist, daring her to inquire as to who had called.

  “And?”

  “And one of your lesbian friends called here looking for you. I don’t know why she called here, but I don’t want any of them to call here again, is that clear?” Normally, he wouldn’t speak to his wife in this manner, but desperate times called for desperate measures, and if he didn’t get a handle on this soon, he would find that he, like Richard, would be facing a life without his wife as she waltzed out the door into the arms of some dyke-on-a-bike from Minneapolis.

  Angie simply laughed. “You have got to be kidding me.”

  “No.” Orlando face reflected the anger he felt. “I’m not kidding, and furthermore, they wouldn’t be calling here if you weren’t gallivanting around with Helen up and down Hennepin in a flock of card-carrying gays, all trying to register you for the club. They got Helen, but I’ll be damned if they get you.”

  “Orlando, I’m going to give you a second to really think about what you’re saying here before I respond.” Angie waited an appropriate amount of time before she continued. “Helen is my dearest friend. I know her husband is your best friend. However, the fact that she is a lesbian has nothing to do with us, or me. No one turned her. I’m surprised at you for even suggesting such a silly thing. You know better than that. You sound like a Bible-smacking idiot making that comment, really. As for Helen, it isn’t any of our business who she is with. All we have to do is accept her partner. By the way, that is no longer Richard.”

  “And what about poor Richard?”

  “Well, there is nothing poor about Richard. I assure you, he will be just fine. It’s Helen you need to worry about. She’s all alone right now.”

  “She can’t be too alone. You’re always with her.”

  “Not always. I’m here right now, aren’t I?”

 
; “Yes, which means nothing as long as your girls call.”

  “Orlando,” Angie said in warning.

  “Orlando, nothing. Let’s get back to Richard. What the hell is he supposed to do now that his wife is off chasing some carpet cruncher?”

  “Orlando!”

  “Orlando, my ass. Answer the question, Angie. What about Richard? How is he supposed to deal with all of this? His wife of twenty-five years—”

  “Twenty-six.”

  “Fine, twenty-six, has left him, and in the middle of a campaign, too.”

  “Is that all you can think about? Your precious campaign?”

  “Now that you mention it, Helen couldn’t have picked a worse time to switch teams. But that is beside the point.”

  “No, I think it is precisely the point, because now I see what your real concern is here. You aren’t concerned about our friends, or how devastated they both must be at their failed marriage. All you have on your mind is how you are going to get Richard elected. I’ll tell you what, if I were you, I wouldn’t worry about poor Richard and his election, I would try to get my own values in line. And you don’t have to worry about who’s calling me, Orlando, I am a grown-ass woman.”

  “I don’t want those people calling this house.” Orlando stood his ground. He felt as though he was fighting for his very life. “I don’t want them calling you at all.”

  “In all the years we have been married, it hasn’t been up to you to decide who may or may not call me. That sure isn’t going to begin now. I don’t know who called, but I assure you, whoever she was is welcome to contact me at any number I provide. And if you have a problem with that, Orlando, too bad.”

  “Too bad? Too bad?”

  “Yes, too bad.” Angie left the room.

  Orlando was left feeling angrier. Angie wasn’t going to listen to him, but she was right about one thing. It was unlike him to be so judgmental. Certainly, he wasn’t the sort to label people or deal in generalities. However, that didn’t change the fact that he would have to start answering the phone more often. He didn’t really believe that his wife could be turned away from him by another person, woman or man…but…