Deep (Heavy Hearts Book 2)

by Sarah Jane Duncan

  I’m about to turn off the water and get out of the shower when I hear the door click open. Frozen in place, standing under the hot stream of water, I wait for whoever it is to hear the shower running and retreat.

  They don’t.

  Through the steamed-up shower screen, I see the figure of a man enter. Blinking rapidly to clear the steam, I’m about to tell whoever it is to get out, but then I see Mike’s face.

  I scream, throwing myself back until I hit the cold tiled wall of the shower. Mike moves towards me, and I continue screaming in the hopes one of the boys will hear and come to help me. Thrusting my hands out in front, I ready myself to try and hold him off. I won’t let him hurt me again. I won’t let him succeed in what he failed at last time.

  Deep voices are somewhere nearby. Someone is yelling. Mike stops, turning back to the door that is still open before turning back to look at me.

  “No! Stay away from me!” I roar. My voice unrecognisable.

  Mike retreats then, stumbling from the room before Marcus and Jared rush in.

  I’m still screaming, terrified; my body tries to retreat, only it has nowhere else to go. Losing my balance, I slip to the floor of the shower as the screen door flies open and the water shuts off. A white towel is thrown over me, but I thrash my arms out, my fists connecting with someone.

  “Lexi stop!” Jared’s voice finally registers, and I freeze, sobs shaking my body.

  “J-j-jar?”

  Jared’s face comes into view, and I can see the red mark just under his eye. Did I do that?

  “It’s okay Lex. You’re safe. No one here will hurt you.” I can see the sincerity in his eyes like I always do, and I force myself to relax a little knowing that I’m safe.

  “M-mike was h-here.”

  Jared turns to look over his shoulder at Marcus.

  “Mike’s not here, Lex.” Marcus steps forward.

  Confusion creases my brow as I take in their faces.

  “W-what?”

  “Mike isn’t here. It’s just us. You’re safe.” Jared confirms what Marcus said.

  “B-but he w-walked i-in.” I’m shaking now as I look between the two of them. Am I shaking because I’m cold or because I’m scared?

  Jared reaches out and wipes the drops of water running down my forehead from my wet hair.

  “Lex that was Garrett. He accidentally walked in, not realising you were in here. He had his earphones in, so he didn’t hear the shower running.”

  I look down at my feet, peeking out from the white towel that covers the front of my naked body, “But I saw Mike’s face.” I whisper.

  “Lex, I promise you that Mike isn’t here. I think maybe you have PTSD or something. Maybe you should see a doctor.” I take in Jared’s concerned face. He knows all about PTSD after being in the same car crash that killed his older brother when he was twelve. I remember going to his house every day after the funeral. He would try to get me and Marcus to leave because he didn’t want to come out and play. But we never left him. We stayed and just sat with him until eventually, he started smiling again. I know he had nightmares and was seeing a psychologist. No one should have to go through what he went through, especially not a twelve-year-old.

  “Do you still see a doctor?” Jared’s brows shoot up in surprise at my question.

  “Sometimes.” He shrugs, “It’s gotten easier to deal with over the years.”

  I nod, hoping it’s true. I need this to get easier sooner rather than later because if it doesn’t, I’m pretty sure I’m destined to be locked away in a psych ward.

  “It was really just Garrett?” I ask, needing to hear them confirm it one more time.

  They both nod, “Yes, Lex. Just Garrett, who’s gonna get my fist in his face for scaring you like that.” Jared’s words are honest, but I don’t want that to happen.

  “No Jar. It’s not Garrett’s fault. I bet he feels bad enough.” I watch as Jared and Marcus both nod, still squatting down in front of me in the shower door. God, I’m a fuckup. “I’ll uh, be out soon.”

  Taking my hint, Jared and Marcus give me a sympathetic smile before leaving me in the bathroom.

  I’m mortified. I don’t care that they saw me naked, but I do care that they saw me freak out like that. I’ve probably just sealed my fate with them. They will join Tasha and her minions soon enough. I need to get control of my freak-outs., but I just don’t know how. Maybe Jared is right. Maybe I do need to see a doctor.

  Perhaps I should offer the boys the same courtesy I’m offering Ayden? I should stay out of their lives so I don’t drag them down with me. They don’t need someone like me cramping their style. They are only seventeen. They should be partying and hooking up with girls and running wild instead of babysitting a lost cause like me.

  My heart pounds with anxiety as I take my time drying myself and getting dressed in the same clothes I had on yesterday. My hands shake through the whole process, and I can’t seem to get them to stop. One glance in the mirror shows me that the bruising is still visible on my face, although a little lighter than yesterday. Each day it gets lighter, and each day I wish it would just fuck off already. Every time I see it in the mirror, I think of Mike.

  When I’m finally done, I wander through the mansion and eventually find the boys in the kitchen eating pancakes. I don’t know who cooked, but I love them for it, realising that for the first time in days I'm eager to eat something. When the guys notice me standing in the doorway, their chatter dies down, and the room goes quiet. I hate it. I don’t want the uncomfortable silence to be a part of our group. Maybe they are already done with me, ready to cut ties and have fun with the likes of Tasha and her minions.

  In an effort to change the feel of the room, I decide to use humour to disguise my discomfort.

  “So how many of you got a look at my rack?”

  All the boy’s chuckle. Well, all except for Garrett.

  “You got a nice rack, Lex.” Simon offers his opinion, and I smile.

  “Thanks. I hope you got a good look because that’s the first and last time you will see it, Simon.” I move to the kitchen bench and snatch up a pancake, smearing Nutella on it and roll it up.

  “Oh, don’t worry. I got those babies saved into the spank bank.” Simon taps the side of his head; his smug look gets rewarded with a punch in the arm from Jared. “Ouch.”

  The boys laugh again, and we all relax. I’m about to bite into my Nutella pancake when I notice Garrett sitting at the end of the bench, staring at his uneaten plate of pancakes. He won’t look at me or anyone else for that matter.

  Putting my pancake down on Shaun’s plate, he glances at me and shoots me a wink, and I respond with a small grin as I pass by to where Garrett is sitting on the barstool. I can tell he’s freaking out still, but I need him to look at me because I really want things to be okay between us. I stand in his peripheral, but he doesn’t look at me, so I nudge his shoulder, trying to get his attention. He still doesn’t look at me, but I hear his quiet words.

  “I’m sorry, Lexi.”

  Needing him to know that I’m okay, I spin his barstool to face me and watch the surprise on his chiselled face as I step between his legs. His blue-grey eyes are drowning in pain as they roam my face. Moving slowly, because I feel like he’s a caged animal that will startle at any moment, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him in for a hug. Instantly, as if relief suddenly washes over him, Garrett’s arms wrap around my waist, tugging me closer into his chest as he buries his head into the crook of my neck.

  I didn’t intend on my emotions showing too much, but when I feel Garrett’s slight shudders, I can tell he’s crying. That undoes me, and we both cry silently in each other’s arms. We pull each other tight, and Garrett’s firm athletic body moulds to mine, his woody scent wrapping around me like a blanket. It’s nice, not Ayden nice, but nice all the same.

  Someone’s hand pushes between us at some point, leaving a handful of tissues behind. Still wrapped in each other’s arms, we pul
l back enough to use the tissues, and it’s like we are in our own little cocoon, not letting everyone else see our faces as we keep our heads low, tucked into each other’s chest. It feels intimate in a way. Not sexually so, but intimate nevertheless.

  “I’m sorry I freaked out, Garrett. It’s not your fault. My head is all fucked up.” I whisper, needing him to understand. I’m so worried that I have scared him and the other boys from wanting to stay involved with me. I know they are better off without me, but I don't want to let them go.

  “I’m going to kill anyone who has ever hurt you.” Garrett breathes, the warmth of it fluttering over my cheek. The fierceness in his tone is so sure that I believe every word he said. If there’s one thing I know about Garrett, it’s that he wears his heart on his sleeve, and combined with his struggles to keep his anger in check, killing someone could certainly be on his cards. That thought should scare me, but it doesn’t. I know he would never hurt me.

  “You know, I’m getting kind of jealous watching you hug Cole like that.” Using Garrett’s surname, Simon’s playful voice breaks our bubble.

  Reluctantly, I step back from Garrett. I can tell he doesn’t want to let me go, but he does. Wiping my face again, I make sure all the tears are gone before moving back to Shaun so I can grab my pancake from his plate. He gives me a classic cheeky Shaun grin that would make most girl’s melt, and another wink as I take a bite of my Nutella pancake. I can’t hold back the moan that escapes me as the sweet goodness hits my tongue, and it’s almost as if I’m possessed, not able to control myself.

  “Jesus, Lex. You’ll make a man hard, moaning like that.” Shaun’s dark gaze is on my mouth, and I roll my eyes while the other guys chuckle. Turning away from them, I shove the pancake in my mouth in a very unladylike manner, and once I’ve devoured it, I turn back to see five sets of eyes still looking at me. It reminds me of a fuzzy moment from last night when they looked at me the same way. An uncomfortable weight sits in my chest as I take in my friends. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but I’m fairly sure that if I was interested, I could kiss any of these guys, and they would happily comply. As nice as it is to feel wanted like that, I don’t want that from any of them. I need their friendship, their loyalty. I need their support.

  “We need to talk.” My voice echoes in the silent room as their eyes remain on me.

  “You guys are my friends, right?” They all nod at my question. “Like just friends. Nothing more?” They slowly nod. “Because if you guys can’t do the friend only thing with me, then I need to know now.”

  “What makes you think we can’t?” Marcus asks, his dark brows furrowing.

  I step up to the kitchen table and lean against it, putting a little more distance between me and the guys.

  “Look, I don’t have a problem with sexual innuendos or a bit of harmless flirting, but I’m getting some…” Jesus, how do I say this? “Vibes, I guess. If I have overstepped by doing something misleading, I need you to tell me because I don’t want to give any of you the wrong impression.”

  The boys are quiet for a few moments, and I’m sure I’ve fucked up. I’ve either hurt their feelings or made a fool of myself.

  Jared breaks the silence. “I’m not gonna lie, Lex. If you came to any of us and asked us to be your guy, then we would without hesitation, but we know the deal here. We are here for you, with you, as friends, as family. We are also guys who think with our dicks way too much, and it’s hard to deny our attraction to you. So yeah, we flirt like the dicks we are. If you ask us to stop, we will. It will be a challenge, but we would do anything for you.” They all nod in agreement at Jared’s words, and I feel like crying again. I don’t though.

  “We also know your heart belongs to someone else, Lex,” Marcus speaks this time, and I’m glad he added that bit in because it’s true. Ayden may not want me, understandably so, but my heart belongs to him, and until it doesn’t, then anyone taking his place is out of the question.

  I nod, “Okay. Good.” And then I shake my head, “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. You can talk to us about anything.” Shaun, the playboy of the group, looks genuine and serious for a change.

  “Anything?” I ask, shooting Shaun a cheeky grin.

  “Yes, anything.” He smiles back.

  “Oh good, because I’ve got mad cramps and need to go get some tampons.”

  A round of curses spill from the boys, and Shaun sticks his fingers in his ears, cringing. And just like that, all is right in the world… for now.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I spend my Sunday afternoon at home alone. Marcus had to go home earlier since he hadn’t been there in three nights and the other boys followed not long after to make appearances with their parents too. Jared drew the short straw for babysitting duty tonight, even though I tried to tell the boys that they don’t have to keep doing this. They ignored me like my opinion is irrelevant. I hate putting people out, but I’m quietly thankful that they insist.

  I do my usual run on the treadmill and kick the shit out of the boxing bag before Jared arrives back just before 6pm. He comes bearing steaming hot fries and fresh bread, so we have hot chip sandwiches for dinner and then do some homework at my kitchen table before retreating to the living room to watch TV.

  “You remember those forts we used to build over near the hockey fields?” Jared asks, sitting next to me on the couch eating Salt n’ Vinegar chips from a bowl.

  “Yep. We thought they were so sick.” I laugh, “They were so bad.”

  Jared laughs too, “They never held when the wind picked up. Remember when it fell in on Marcus.”

  “Oh my god, that was hilarious. He hated us for ages after that. Said we bullied him.” My tummy hurts from laughing, but it’s the good type of pain.

  “He’s always been a wuss.” Jared chuckles and offers me the chips, but I shake my head, “Remember when we were in the fort, and my brother turned up with his girlfriend, and he didn’t know we were inside?”

  “Oh yeah. That’s when we got our first closeup of teenage love.” I remember wishing I was the girl Jared’s brother, Tim, was kissing. I’ll keep that little memory to myself, though.

  “I wouldn’t call it love. Lust definitely. I remember getting the biggest woodie watching them kiss.”

  “Eww, Jared!” I whack him with a cushion, “TMI! I didn’t need to know that!”

  He throws his head back in hysterics causing the bowl of chips to slip off his lap, but I leap over to save it just in time.

  “It wasn’t just me, you know?” Jared continues through chuckles, “Marcus did too. Told me he nearly blew his load in his pants when my brother touched the girl's boob.”

  “Eww! Stop Jared! I don’t want to hear this!” I stick my fingers in my ears and aggressively shake my head, effectively giving myself a mouthful of my wayward hair.

  Moving to his knees before me, Jared grabs my wrists and pulls them away from my ears so I can’t block him out. “He also told me that day that when your boobs grow, he wanted to touch them.”

  Lifting my knees to my chest, I push my legs back out and kick Jared off the couch. He falls to the floor, laughing and clutching his tummy as if the act causes him pain. I take the cushion and start beating him with it, making him squeal like a girl, or a pig, it’s hard to decide which one it sounds the closest to, and eventually, I fall in a heap beside him on the floor in my own fit of laughter. It feels good. Really good.

  “I’ll kick you in the nuts if you ever repeat that story again.” I manage to say when I gain my control.

  Jared chuckles, laying back on the floor, looking up at the ceiling before a sombre look washes over his face.

  “My brother died a week later. Poor guy didn’t even get the chance to lose his virginity.”

  I lay down next to Jared taking his hand in mine like I used to when we were kids. “He’d be proud of you, Jar. You’re a decent guy, and he’d be proud to call you his brother.”

  Jared turns his head to
look at me, and I don’t miss how his blue gaze quickly flicks to my lips before meeting my eyes.

  “Thanks for saying that, Lex. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a fuckup.”

  “Why would you think that?” My frown is so deep that I can feel the tension in my temples.

  Jared shrugs, “I guess my opinion of myself isn’t that great.”

  “You still think it should have been you who died in the car accident, don’t you?” I remember Jared telling me that about a year after his brother died. It was just him and me at the park near my house. Marcus had been sick and couldn’t come out, and Abbey was at some weird bible camp, so Jared and I spent the entire day together. I didn’t want him to be alone.

  Jared nods at my question, his ashen hair a tousled mess, bobbing as his head moves. I desperately want to lighten the mood, so I decide to admit something to him.

  “I wanted to kiss you the day you told me that.”

  “What?” Jared sits up quickly, looking down at me with his intense blue eyes. Looking up at him like this, I can see the boy I grew up with hidden underneath the manly features overtaking his body. His eyes are the same shade of blue they’ve always been, but his eye shape isn’t as round as it used to be. Maybe it’s because he frowns more these days. His bone structure is sharper now; a chiselled chin sits more prominent than his boyish one did. He also has the faintest blonde stubble framing his jawline. He’s buff. Jesus, when did he get so buff? How did I miss that?

  “Uh-yeah, I had a crush on you. This probably makes me a bad person, but I was secretly glad that Marcus was sick that day because I got you to myself.” I feel my cheeks heat at the admission and hate that my blush has made an appearance for someone other than Ayden.

  “Jesus! Fuck! Mother-fucking prick!”

  “Uh… say what?” I’m confused at Jared’s outburst.

  He rakes a hand through his hair, and I sit up too. “Fuck, Lexi! I should have made a move that day because I wanted to kiss you too, but I knew how Marcus felt about you, so I didn’t.”