Deep (Heavy Hearts Book 2)

by Sarah Jane Duncan

  I laugh, and he shakes his head in frustration.

  “I lost my chance, I guess.” He looks hopeful at me like he wants me to tell him he hasn’t lost his chance. I hate that I have to let him down.

  “Yep, you sure did.” I slap him on the shoulder and get up from the floor, trying to pretend like this conversation hasn’t affected me.

  “I call fucking dibs when you’re ready to move on from Ay…”

  “Don’t say his name!” I lean down and slap my hand over his mouth.

  Jared grins behind my hand and then darts his tongue out, licking my palm. I squeal in disgust, ripping my hand away to wipe it on his shoulder, causing him to laugh again.

  The rest of the night is a mixture of reminiscing and laughter, and it feels so good. We sleep in the living room again with the glow of the TV lighting the room, just the way I’ve become accustomed to. This time we both sleep on the floor next to each other, under our own blankets.

  I wake early on Monday morning with anxiety pulling me from sleep. Today is the day I return to school. It’s the date I agreed I would return when I spoke with the new Acting Principal. The other condition of my return is that I visit with the school counsellor every week. I tried to get out of that one, but Principal Rogan was very insistent and wouldn’t budge on the idea, so I reluctantly agreed.

  I know today is going to be a shit show. Not only am I facing everyone after my secret and shame aired on the news, but Tasha is out for my blood, and my best friend has joined her ranks. I have no idea what’s going on with Abbey, but I no longer feel sad about her betrayal. I feel pissed.

  Last night, Jared told me he and Garrett bailed Abbey’s boyfriend, Daniel, up at school last week wanting answers because Abbey has refused to tell them anything. Daniel was tight-lipped and said it wasn’t any of his business or theirs, and then Jared had to hold Garrett back from punching Daniel. I kind of wish he had let him now. Something is going on, and being left in the dark about it contributes to my anxiety.

  I quietly get ready for school while Jared sleeps, slipping into my uptight, formal uniform and pulling my hair back into a not so polished ponytail. Using concealer and a little foundation, I attempt to cover the bruising hoping to appear not like the walking dead with the dark shadows under my eyes. I use a little mascara to wake my eyes and a dusting of bronzer on my cheeks to add some colour. The end result is a natural look, and knowing there’s not much else I can do to fix my appearance, I head to the kitchen for my morning coffee, which is where Jared finds me once he wakes.

  “Nervous?” He asks, finding himself a mug to make his own coffee. I just nod.

  “We got you. You know that, right?” I nod at his question again.

  “Can I have a blow job?”

  I turn and glare at him, and he shrugs.

  “Well, you were nodding at everything I said. It was worth a try.” He grins, and I’m helpless not to smile back.

  “Go get ready, loser.” I roll my eyes at him, and he smiles again, giving my cheek a peck before taking his coffee into my mum’s room to get ready.

  While I wait, I check my emails to see if there’s anything from Abbey. Still nothing. I need to accept that she isn’t going to reply to me. I need to remember that she hung up on me on Saturday night when she realised it was me calling, not Simon.

  As if I haven’t tortured myself enough, I scroll through my messages from Ayden for the next ten minutes. He hasn’t responded to my drunk text. I’m partially happy about that because WTF was I thinking? I’m also somewhat annoyed because if he hasn’t messaged me, it obviously means he isn’t thinking about me.

  As if I have the power to summon him, little bubbles pop up in our message chat to indicate that he is typing a reply. My heart stops. My lungs cease working, and my head spins. Holy shit! Is Ayden replying to me? I shouldn’t want him to as much as I do, but fuck, I really, really do. The bubbles keep scrolling over and over before they stop and disappear, and I wait a moment for a message to come through, but it never comes.

  My eyes burn, and my heart kicks in at a rapid pace while air seeps into my lungs. If Ayden had written a reply, then he must have deleted it and moved on. Shit! That knowledge sends sharp pain to the centre of my chest, and I have to fight to remain quiet and not scream.

  I’m thankful when Jared is ready because I need his distraction. Digging deep, I muster up the mask I used to wear to fool everyone into thinking that I had a good life. I don’t want Jared or anyone else to see how upset I am over Ayden.

  We head to school and stop at the mouth of Marcus’s street to pick him up. I’m quiet as the boys talk about footy and some new PlayStation game that’s coming out this week as we walk. They must sense that I’m not in a chatty mood, so they don’t force the issue, but I can see them glancing at me frequently from the corner of my eye. As we get closer to school, clusters of students enter the grounds together, and my anxiety soars. I desperately want to turn around and go back home.

  Deep breaths, Lexi.

  For once, I listen to myself and take steady deep breaths, trying to slow my racing heart. My eyes focus on the ground in front of me as we walk, and I repeat over and over in my head, keep going Lexi, you can do this! It helps me push forward, and I hope like hell that my fear doesn’t show on my face.

  Simon, Shaun and Garrett are lingering just outside the gates when we arrive. Garrett doesn’t wait for us to reach them. Instead, he approaches me, swinging his arm around my shoulders and grins down, giving me a wink. Christ, did they all learn that wink from Ayden?

  “We got you, Lex,” Garrett repeats the words Jared said earlier this morning, reminding me I’m not alone. They are right here by my side.

  Hushed whispers float through the air as we make our way into the schoolyard. It’s tough, but I hold my head high despite how visible my fading bruises still are, and I ignore the stares from basically everyone we walk past.

  The moment I lay eyes on Tasha, Allison, Amanda, Sophie and Abbey, I start to struggle, and the need to flee or go ape shit on their arses begins to consume me.

  “Looks like the trash has arrived.” Tasha’s whiney voice holds no fear. “You should let go of her, Garrett. You might catch something.”

  On instinct, I start towards her, but Garrett bunches his muscled arm and holds me firmly to his side.

  “Hey look, Marcus,” Garrett’s raised voice commands everyone’s attention, “Isn’t she that Tasha bitch who gave you crabs?”

  I nearly choke, shocked. I’ve never heard Garrett speak to or about a girl like that.

  The boys stop walking, and Marcus glares over at Tasha, looking her from head to toe, curling his lip in disgust.

  “Yep, that’s her. She also has the smelliest cunt I’ve ever come across.” Marcus gags, and the rest of the boys screw their faces up before they walk again.

  Holy shit! Did that really happen? I hate the word Marcus used, and I’m shocked that he spoke like that too, but I don’t feel sorry for Tasha. Not one bit.

  Laughter carries across the crowd of onlookers, and they join in throwing taunts at Tasha. I can’t help but feel happy about it. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. I’ve been through too much shit to care about Tasha’s feelings right now.

  I don’t miss the way my former friend’s glare at me as we walk past, scrunching their noses up at me like I’m a foul smell. Not Abbey, though. She doesn’t have the balls to look at me. She keeps her brown eyes cast down at her feet. Coward!

  My school day starts at the Principal’s office. She requested to meet with me in person before I go to class, and I have to dig really fucking deep to walk through the door that last time held my dad behind it, right before he drugged me.

  “Miss West. It’s lovely to finally meet you in person.” Principal Rogan is dressed in a navy pin skirt and suit jacket that matches the school uniform. Her chocolate brown hair is long and straight, and her dark brown eyes are kind.

  I offer her a small but fake smi
le and sit in the seat she gestures to. Instead of sitting behind her desk like the previous Principal always did, she takes the seat next to mine, turning it on an angle to face me.

  “So, how are you feeling about today?” I regard Mrs Rogan for a moment before responding, needing the time to clear the panic rising in my chest.

  “The old me would say that I’m feeling eager to get stuck back into my work.” I relax back in the chair, trying to appear unbothered, my usual prim and proper mask long gone.

  “And what would the you that is sitting here now say?” She asks, her eyes never leaving mine.

  “Honestly?” I ask, and she nods. “That I couldn’t care less about my school work right now, but I know I can’t afford to fall behind.”

  She nods, “Well, that’s good enough for me, Miss West.” Reaching out to the desk, she picks up a piece of paper. “Here is your new schedule. Unfortunately, a few changes had to be made at the request of some parents.”

  I accept the paper and glance over the schedule, seeing clearly which classes I am no longer a part of.

  “You mean Abbey Delany’s parents?” Most of the classes that I had with Abbey have now changed on my schedule.

  “It’s complicated.” Mrs Rogan states without elaborating.

  “In other words, yes!” I hiss, “Let me get this straight. Because the old arsehole Principal allowed my dad to come into this very office and drug me, knocking me unconscious, which inevitably led to my assault, the school has agreed with Mr and Mrs Delany’s request to move me out of classes with their daughter?”

  Mrs Rogan sighs, “I’m sorry, Lexi. This decision was approved before I took over. I have tried to advocate for you, but there are a few things I haven’t been successful with. This is one.”

  “This is bullshit!”

  “Yes, it is bullshit! And I will keep fighting for you. But for now, we have to follow the rules.” Principal Rogan sounds stern, but not in a scary way. She’s kind of intimidating, like one of those successful businesswomen who have had to wade through all the bullshit to rise through the ranks and prove that she is just as good, if not better, than her male colleagues. I bet she’s had to sacrifice a lot over the years. Maybe she’s one of those forty-something career women who chose not to have kids. She doesn’t look like a school principal, that’s for sure. Cynthia Rogan looks like the rich and powerful CEO of a multi-million dollar company.

  “The rules suck dog’s balls.” I don't care how immature I sound right now. It’s not fair that I have to suffer because other people are uncomfortable with what happened to me. Fuck them! I didn’t ask for any of this to happen to me!

  “That they do.” Mrs Rogan laughs before turning serious again. “You will also see your counsellor appointments on your schedule. If you miss one, then we have to review your enrolment here. This is also a stipulation that is out of my hands.”

  “So, someone is waiting for me to fuck up, basically? Not go to an appointment and then boot me out?” My blood is boiling. I’m getting more and more pissed off by the second, and Mrs Rogan can tell.

  “You can’t be booted out for that, but it will keep you unnecessarily busy attending red tape meetings with the school counsellor and Child Services. Let’s try our best to avoid that, hey?” Principal Rogan gives me a sympathetic smile, so I nod.

  “Can I go?”

  “Yes.” I stand when Mrs Rogan confirms I can leave but stop as she speaks again, “Oh, and Lexi. Given what you’ve been through, I don’t mind that you swear and release some of that pent up anger while you’re in this office with me. And it’s okay to do the same when you’re with the counsellor,” She points to her door, “but out there in the rest of the school, you need to reel it in. Talk to the counsellor if you are struggling to do that.”

  I should probably tell her now that I am already struggling and will likely fail at keeping it reeled in as she asked. I don’t, though, and nod before leaving the office, wanting nothing more than to burn the entire school to the ground.

  I don’t bother with my locker and go straight to Maths with Miss Dice. I’m lucky to have her for a couple of classes. Not only is she a good teacher, but she is also a good person. She welcomes me back when I walk into her class, and I sit at the empty table at the back of the room. It’s the same table Ayden and I sat at a couple of weeks ago when he shared his music with me. The ache in my heart feels like it’s slicing me open from the inside as I recall the memory. I don’t even care when I notice Allison glaring at me from across the room throughout the lesson. I don’t do any work. I can’t concentrate. All I can think about is Ayden.

  I remember how I had tried to ignore him, but he was having none of that, making sure I would talk to him even though I treated him like crap at first. His smile captivated me. The way it turned up and sunk in his dimples that were partially hidden by the light dusting of dark hair over his jawline. I also remember how it felt when I realised that he listens to the same music as me. It was nice knowing we had that in common.

  I miss you, Ayden.

  Tears threaten, so I fight them back through most of the class, and when the bell rings, I practically bolt from my seat to escape. I don’t get far. Allison steps in front of me wearing a bitchy smug look, so I raise my brow, waiting for her to say something. She doesn’t.

  “What’s your problem, Allison?” Distaste drips from my tone. I’m done hiding the truth.

  “My problem is you.” Crossing her arms over her chest, she continues to block my path. The first time I met Allison, I thought she was cute because she was so short. At just over five foot, with chocolate skin and dark wavy hair, her small frame carried a big personality. Now that I’m on the receiving end of her wrath, I am reminded how alone I am in the world. I never imagined losing my friends.

  My brows lift again. I’m unsure of what she is trying to prove right now.

  “You say that as if I would care? Move the fuck out of my way before I make you.”

  Allison’s smile drops, and she almost looks as if she’s going to cave, but the stupid girl doesn’t. Luckily for her, Miss Dice approaches right before I get the chance to make her move.

  “Off to your next class Allison.”

  Allison shoots me a brown-eyed dagger before she throws on a fake smile and turns to Miss Dice, passing by her.

  Miss Dice frowns before looking at me.

  I shake my head. “Don’t ask.”

  Shooting me a sympathetic smile as I pass by my favourite teacher, I make my way to PE class. As I walk, I try my best to ignore the whispers and stares. When people stare too long, I shoot them a glare that makes them turn away, and when I see Sophie and Abbey, I look each of them in the eye as I pass. Abbey looks away immediately, but Sophie mutters, “Skank”. I just shoot her a toothy grin trying to show her she doesn’t affect me, even though she does.

  Marcus and Shaun catch up with me on the way to PE and flank me, giving me a little more confidence as we walk. Abbey is meant to be in this PE class, but she isn’t anymore. Her parents must have moved her out, which is fine by me. All my boys are in this PE class, and for once, I actually enjoy playing today's activity of basketball.

  Unfortunately, there’s a little problem. These boys, my boys, are being a little too overprotective. Dylan Brent, a guy I have always been friends with, gets totally blocked from talking to me on the court. When he approaches me, Marcus steps in front of him while Garrett leads me away. At first, I thought I imagined it, but I know for sure that these guys are up to something after the third time it happens. It does nothing but piss me off. By the end of class, I’m so angry that I storm off the court and into the girls change room before the boys can catch up with me, and I’m thankful for the breather from their intense hovering.

  After I change back into the uptight FP Catholic formal uniform, I shoot the group chat a message to say that I’ll catch up with them, and I wait patiently in a toilet cubicle for everyone to clear out so I can sneak off to the Library to hide ou
t during recess. When the coast is clear, I go straight to my usual spot in the back corner and force myself not to think about my time there with Ayden when he sat with me while I slept and hid from going to class. It’s hard not to think of him while I’m here, though. I swear I can almost smell his spicy scent lingering in the air.

  It doesn’t take long for my phone to blow up with messages from the boys. They’re worried, and it makes me feel like shit for ditching them. Not enough to go to them, but enough to send them a message to let them know I’m okay and I’ll see them later.

  After recess, instead of double Art, I have my first counsellor's appointment, so I reluctantly drag my feet to the administration building to get it over and done with.

  The door to the counsellor’s office is open when I approach, so I tap on it popping my head in. A tall man with a shaven head, dark facial hair, and ear-piercing stretchers sits behind a desk in the far corner.

  “Ah, you must be Lexi. Come on in.” He has a deep friendly voice and blue eyes that are nearly as blue as Ayden’s. Damn it! Why do I compare everything to Ayden?

  Walking in, I close the door behind me, taking a seat in the one he gestures to as he comes to join me in the seat opposite.

  “I’m Mr Matthews, but in this room, you are welcome to call me Stephen.” In his hands, he holds a red clipboard that has a file attached. Great. He’s going to be taking notes. This whole situation makes me uncomfortable, so I keep my mouth shut and cross my arms over my chest.

  Mr Matthews chuckles quietly. “I get it. Seeing the school counsellor isn’t your sort of thing, but we have to meet for at least thirty minutes every week, so let’s talk about something.”

  “Like what?” I ask, unimpressed.

  “Well, anything. You can talk to me about how you are feeling today, or about what happened a couple of weeks ago at home, or even what boys you are crushing on.” Mr Matthews seems like an okay guy, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to divulge all of my secrets to him.