Deep (Heavy Hearts Book 2)

by Sarah Jane Duncan

  When Mr Matthews opens it, his brows shoot up, surprised to see me. When he holds the door open for me, I make my way in and sit on my usual chair. I tug out the earphones and wait while he sits. When he’s settled, I can tell by his expression that he’s concerned.

  “Is everything okay, Lexi?”

  And then I cry. It’s all I can do. He tries to ask me questions and help me stop crying, but I can’t. He’s quiet for a few minutes before handing me the box of tissues, which I snatch up and make good use of.

  “Lexi, are you here because you need to talk?”

  I shake my head.

  “Are you here because you need a safe place to take a few moments?”

  I nod, and he nods back.

  “Okay, that is totally okay. Do you want me to leave?” I consider his words for a moment before shaking my head. “Okay. Want to watch some funny cat videos?”

  A snotty laugh rips from me, and Mr Matthews grins and sets up his laptop. I spend the rest of recess and all of period three in his office watching the most stupid, yet funny, cat videos. Mr Matthews is definitely one of the good ones. Although he continues to look concerned, he doesn’t pressure me to talk. He just lets me be there in the moment, feeling safe.

  I manage to pull myself together in time for Maths, and even though I know Ayden is in that class, I somehow will myself to walk in and ignore him through the whole lesson. I even finish two of my overdue Maths tasks and submit them, which makes me a little happy.

  By the time lunch comes, I drag myself through the yard to the back of the school, going over my apology in my head to Rhys and the others for the intrusion at recess. I know it was hard enough for them to feel okay with me invading their sacred space, but to have six of the schools most popular guys invade it too, is going over the line.

  They all watch me approach with neutral expressions, and I dig deep, summoning up the courage to speak. I hope they want me to continue being their friend.

  Stopping in front of them, I pull out my earphones. Here goes nothing.

  “Ah, sorry about earlier, guys. It won’t happen again.”

  They all stare at me with straight faces for a beat before bursting out in fits of laughter. Frowning, I watch Rhys leap down from the steps and skip up to me.

  “What’s so fucking funny?”

  “You are!” Rhys cackles, “Turn around.” Grabbing my shoulders, she spins me, and I come face to face with my smirking pack.

  “Seriously? Again?” I hiss at them, and I swear their grins grow wider. Arseholes!

  “Your pack follows you everywhere, Lexi. Maybe instead of fighting it, you should embrace it!” Rhys whispers into my ear.

  “Not likely,” I growl, unable to contain my frustration and Rhys sighs.

  “Here’s the deal, dickheads. You can stay as long as you abide by some rules.”

  I snicker at Rhys’s firm tone and climb the steps to take a seat next to Tillie. She gives my shoulder an ‘I forgive you’ nudge and we both smile, returning our attention back to the boys and Rhys.

  “We don’t follow rules; we make the rules,” Simon grunts puffing out his chest like a damn gorilla. I roll my eyes.

  “Follow these rules or fuck off, Hastings.” Rhys sneers, and I swear I see him flinch back.

  I love this girl!

  “We’ll follow your rules, George.” Marcus throws Rhys’s surname back at her like she did with Simon’s, but I don’t miss the satisfied grin Rhys shares with him. Yep, something is definitely brewing there.

  “What are the rules?” Ayden asks, sounding fed up. He looks over to me, and I notice for the first time that he has dark shadows under his eyes. Is he not sleeping?

  “Firstly, you are here because we allow you to be here. This is our area, and if you don’t like the rules, then you can fuck off.” Rhys locks eyes with each one of the boys, getting a nod from each of them before continuing. “Do not, under any circumstances, bring anyone else here. If you have a clingy girlfriend, then I suggest you hang out with her friends instead because we don’t want any of those self-entitled stuck-up bitches here. Got it?”

  “You don’t have to worry about that. We are all single and ready to mingle.” Shaun wags his brows, and Rhys makes a gagging sound. Everyone laughs, except for me. I chew the inside of my cheek to stop myself.

  “Dude, you sound like a creeper,” Jared adds, making Shaun frown.

  “Lastly, if we ask you to leave, you will, and without any bloody commotion,” Rhys demands, her painted nails resting on her hips. Today’s shade is a dark blue. I bet it’s called midnight blue, or night sky, or something.

  “Do we really look like we make commotion?” Simon asks.

  “Hastings, your middle name is commotion.” Rhys shoots another dig at Simon before addressing them all. “Do we have a deal?”

  “Deal,” Ayden speaks for all of them and strolls past Rhys to take a seat next to Dale on one of the logs under the trees.

  The look Dale gives Ayden is priceless. It’s obvious he didn’t expect Ayden to sit next to him, but then his face melts into a satisfied smile, and they both start quietly chatting. Ayden is oblivious to the fact that Dale is totally checking him out.

  “Should we warn him?” Rhys asks quietly, sitting down next to me.

  “Hell no. This is too entertaining.” Tillie quietly giggles, and I can’t hide my smile this time.

  “Till is right. This is way too entertaining. Let’s watch Dale have his fun.” I add.

  “Girl, you’re just as devious as me.” Rhys throws her arm over my shoulder and plants a big kiss on my cheek.

  Laughing, I push her away and notice Ayden watching. He looks so lost. I have to force myself to stay seated and not go over and climb onto his lap. The pull is ridiculous, but I have to keep fighting it. He deserves more than what I have to offer. He’ll see that soon, and he’ll be thankful I pushed him away.

  “You okay, girl?” Rhys nudges my attention away from Ayden, and I look into her concerned gaze.

  “I guess.” I shrug.

  “That’s not very convincing. I know we haven’t had any real deep and meaningful’s, but I’m here for you Lex, if you want to talk.”

  “Me too,” Tillie adds, and I turn a small smile her way.

  “I’m not very good at opening up.” I look to my fidgeting hands in my lap and will them to stop.

  “Maybe we should have a girl’s night. Get drunk and spill all of our dark secrets to each other.” Rhys rubs her hands together, excitement laced in her tone.

  “That might not be such a good idea, Rhys. Remember what happened last time?” Tillie cringes, and Rhys laughs. I don’t know what they are talking about, and they don’t divulge the information.

  “I think my secrets are too dark to share.” It’s only a whisper, but Tillie and Rhys stop laughing when they comprehend what I said.

  Arms link with mine on both sides, and both of my new friends drop their heads to my shoulder.

  “You’d be surprised, Lex. I’ve got some pretty fucking dark secrets as well,” Rhys says in all seriousness.

  “Same. Mine are as dark as a moonless night.” Tillie says quietly.

  A shiver travels up my spine as fear creeps its way into my heart at hearing both of their confessions. One thing I know for sure. My connection with these girls stems from lost souls finding each other through the darkness that roams this earth. They too, have come face to face with the blackened devil that has wrapped itself around my heart.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Tillie, Dale and I take our seats in Media class after lunch, minding our own business, eager to focus on the work we need to get done. That is until silence sweeps over the room, and I look up to see Tasha stroll in looking like a smug bitch. Then she opens her vile mouth.

  “Look, it’s the filthy whore who had her brother prepare her virgin body for all the boys to share. Did you beg your brother for more, Lexi?”

  I see red!

  My control is gone,
and all I see is her face and how much I need to end its ugly existence. The table I’m at flips over as I leap from my chair across the room to reach Tasha before she even has time to turn and run. My fist meets her nose with a sickening crack, and blood sprays from it as she goes down. My fists keep flying as I follow her to the classroom floor, punching her face over and over.

  I fucking hate her. She’s just as bad as Mike, and she needs to be shown that she can’t go around bullying people. As I land each punch, Tasha's face morphs into something else. Someone else. It’s no longer Tasha I see. It’s Mike.

  He must die!

  Strong arms come around my waist, reefing me away from my assault. I kick and scream in fury when I lose sight of my victim as I’m dragged out of the room. My screams don’t stop, and neither do my fists as I punch at the strong male arms carrying me down the corridor towards the school hall. I try to kick my legs into the shins of whoever is carrying me, and I hear a deep grunt when one makes contact. Marcus runs past us and pushes open the stadium doors right before I’m dragged inside and carried deeper into the open space, my yells echoing through the empty building.

  The arms holding me let go, and I tumble to the ground, still enraged from being manhandled. Leaping up, I spin to see Ayden looming over me, sucking in deep breaths and looking dishevelled.

  My fists clench, and I scream, throwing a punch at him too. It meets his nose, which surprises me but also satisfies me, and I watch as he stumbles back a few steps with his own surprise evident on his face. Then, his eyes darken.

  “Do it again.” He growls. I don’t know if it’s meant as a command or warning not to do it again, but I do it anyway, this time making contact with his cheek.

  Ayden steps forward, his chest rising and falling, “Again, Lexi!”

  I do as he demands and hit him again. I hit him over and over on his chin, his shoulder, his chest, all while he stands before me just taking it until my arms weaken and a sob slips free. I try to swing again, but my punch is powerless, and I crumble to the floor in defeat. My girly emotions take over, and I clasp my hands into my hair and pull, letting out a scream much like I did the day I went to visit my mum in hospital.

  Strong arms come around me, and for a few weak moments, I fall into them, needing the comfort they offer. Then, Ayden’s scent engulfs me, and my senses kick in, making me stiffen.

  “No!” I yell, pushing him off me and kicking myself back across the stadium floor to get distance between us.

  “Lexi!” Mr Matthews booms across the hall, surprising me, “You need to come with me.”

  I hear Ayden curse, and Marcus comes into view, reaching his hand down to help me up. I don’t move for a few moments, air struggles to get into my lungs, and I heave a few times before I get relief.

  What have I done?

  I’m a monster, just like my brother.

  From my place on the floor, I look up to Marcus. The concern contorting his face matches Ayden’s when I glance at him. They know now. They know who I am. What I am. They will choose now. Choose to walk away and rid themselves of me, of my darkness. They are better off without me. They know that now.

  I wipe the tears from my eyes before taking Marcus’s hand to help me stand up but drop my hold as soon as I’ve righted myself. I ignore the shame and embarrassment that heats my face. I deserve this. Tasha may be wrong about her insinuations, but she is right about one thing. Fox Pines Catholic College should have never let me come back.

  More tears fall, so I give up trying to hide them, knowing that my whole Media class just witnessed me lose my shit, followed by taking it out on the guy that stole my heart. I am truly the scum of this earth. The school is probably about to kick me out, and rightly so. They don’t need the likes of me here.

  “Lex.” Ayden reaches out for my hand as I go to move past him, and I let him take it, selfishly needing one last chance to feel his love before I’m kicked to the curb.

  I look up to his deeply concerned gaze wishing for the thousandth time that I wasn’t me, that I was someone else who is worthy of him.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper on a sob and release his hand, walking over to Mr Matthews, too ashamed to look up and see the shame in his eyes as well.

  “Where are you going with Lexi?” Ayden asks, and I can feel both he and Marcus at my back.

  “She’s required at the principal’s office.” Mr Matthews gestures to move through the doors, and I step past him to make my final walk through my school.

  “You’ll understand if we need to come with you and stay with Lexi after what happened a few weeks back.” Ayden’s voice sounds stern and commanding, and not for the first time do I think of him more as an adult than a naïve teenager like the rest of us.

  “You want to go with her after what she was just doing to you?” Mr Matthews asks, sounding surprised.

  “She was doing what I asked her to do. Maybe the school should invest in some punching bags so students can take their anger out on those instead of other students.” Ayden hisses.

  “You have a good point. I’ll bring it up at the next meeting.” Mr Matthews sounds like he likes the idea. It’s a good one. It’s just a pity that I won’t be around to see it happen.

  We walk the rest of the way in silence, and as we pass my Media class, Tillie rushes out and hands me my books. She doesn’t say anything but pulls me in for a hug before returning to class. I will miss seeing her when I’m gone.

  We keep walking.

  I imagine how terrifying it must be for a prisoner to walk on Death Row in America. I’m kind of terrified now, and all that’s happening to me is getting kicked out of school. Hell, maybe the cops will be involved this time. If they are, I may as well confess I was with Travis during the school break-in and vandalism. It plagues me daily that he took the wrap for it. I think now is the time for me to own up to my wrongdoings and stop having people suffer because of me.

  Reaching the school office, Mr Matthews turns to the boys.

  “If you two are insisting on staying, you need to keep quiet and not talk to Lexi. You are here only as support, so she knows she is safe and that no one will harm her.”

  Ayden and Marcus both mutter their agreement, and Mr Matthews points to seats in the small glass room off to the side, aptly called the vault. It’s used to keep watch on students that are in trouble. A glass cell of sorts. Looks like my first visit will be my last visit.

  The boys do as they’re asked and don’t speak to me. Their eyes dart to mine frequently, though, and I try to dodge them as much as possible. My shame, my discomfort, it has me prisoner. Nothing can help me now.

  Raised voices and yelling spills out from the Principal’s office, drawing our attention. The door swings open with force, revealing a furious, very red-faced Mr and Mrs Pritchard. Tasha’s parents.

  Ayden and Marcus quickly stand and move in front of me. At first, I think they are trying to block my view so I can’t see what’s happening, but as the angry words from Tasha’s hysterical mum greet my ears, I realise that Ayden and Marcus are trying to keep me hidden.

  “If you don’t do something about Alexis, then we will! I’m sure the news stations would love to hear how Fox Pines Catholic College did nothing to protect the rest of the students and let that little tramp walk the halls and bully everyone!”

  I flinch back, guilt hitting me like a ton of bricks knowing that Tasha’s mum’s words speak true. I’ve come back to school, taking out my problems on everyone else. Sure, they may have played a part in harassing me, but doesn’t it speak more to how I dealt with it. I am exactly what Mrs Pritchard says I am. I’m a bully.

  The voices trail off and disappear down the hall, so Ayden and Marcus return to their seats in silence. I thought I felt shame before, but it is nothing compared to the shame I feel now. It’s sickening, and I hate who I’ve become.

  “Lexi, the principal will see you now.” Mr Matthews appears in the door. Ayden & Marcus stand straight away. “No, guys. Lexi only.” />
  “No way Mr Matthews. Lexi isn’t going in there alone.” Marcus beats Ayden at voicing his concern. He looks like he’s ready to fight Mr Matthew’s on this one. I don’t want him or Ayden to get into trouble because of me, though.

  “It’s okay, Marcus. If you and Ayden can just stay out here, I’ll be okay.”

  Both the boys turn to face me, their eyes and grim expressions showing me how torn up they are by the idea of letting me go into the office alone. I love them. Both of them. They are my family—a family not by blood but by bond. I need to tell them they are my family, but it will have to wait. Right now, I have to face up to the things I have done, then later, if they’ll listen, I’ll tell them.

  Ayden steps towards me and takes my hand. I shouldn’t let him, but once again, I’m weak and need his touch as much as I need oxygen.

  “If you need me, just call out. I’ll break that fucking door down if I have to.” He will too. I know it as much as I know the sun will rise tomorrow.

  I give him a small nod, and he brushes his thumb over the back of my hand before dropping it so I can follow Mr Matthews. I feel their eyes on me as I walk, and it somehow helps me put one foot in front of the other, however, a sense of dread sweeps over me. I feel like I’m going to walk into this office and never walk out again. I know it’s completely irrational. Of course, I will walk out again. Right?

  Whatever happens, I need to make things right. Not just for me, but for my friends too.

  I stop Mr Matthews outside the door before he opens it.

  “Mr Matthews?” I ask, gaining his attention. “I’m sorry. I’ve let you down, I know that.”

  He sighs, raking a hand over his shiny shaven head, “Let’s talk inside.”

  I nod, feeling so ashamed of letting him down and follow him inside to meet the eyes of a very unhappy Principal Rogan. Knowing the drill all too well, I take a seat and wait for Ms Rogan to speak. She doesn’t, but Mr Matthews does.