Big-Top Bonanza

by N. B. Grace

  He paused to listen and watch. He saw a squirrel sigh and lazily drape itself over a tree branch.

  In the yard, a bird was relaxing on a branch. A worm lay on the bird’s stomach. Both bird and worm seemed to have forgotten that a worm was usually a bird’s lunch.

  A spider in its web looked peaceful and calm. The flies that had been caught in the spiderweb seemed relaxed. Bugs crawling through the grass seemed to sigh happily, too.

  Phineas realized that the whole world seemed to be taking the day off! Maybe the world was sending them a message, he thought.

  “You know, Ferb,” Phineas said, “every day we do something really big, but you know the one thing we haven’t done?”

  Ferb shook his head.

  “Relax,” Phineas said. “I say we take advantage of this perfect day and have the best do-nothing day ever!”

  Upstairs in her bedroom, Phineas and Ferb’s sister, Candace, was planning her day, too. She was talking on her cell phone to her best friend, Stacy.

  “Hey, Stacy,” Candace said. “Yes! Yes, I’m ready for Jeremy’s band’s outdoor concert at the summer festival!”

  Candace looked at a copy of the concert program. It read “Jeremy and the Incidentals.” The lead singer of the band, Jeremy, happened to be a boy that Candace liked—a lot.

  “Today is going to be amazing!” she said.

  Candace hung up her phone and looked at her clock. She realized it was nine in the morning—and everything was quiet. Candace sniffed the air suspiciously. Then she licked her index finger and held it up to check the wind’s direction.

  “All right, what gives?” she said. “It’s already nine o’clock and there’s no construction noise, no delivery trucks, no . . .”

  She looked out the window. Phineas and Ferb were standing in the backyard, looking innocent.

  “They’re just standing there,” Candace said, puzzled. “Like statues. Like . . .”

  That was the answer, Candace thought. They looked like statues! She imagined what must have happened.

  “Good thinking, Ferb,” Phineas probably said. “We’ll put these decoys up so Candace thinks we’re doing nothing.”

  She thought of Phineas and Ferb setting up statues that looked exactly like them, then sneaking off.

  “And then while Candace isn’t looking, we’ll do something!” Phineas probably said.

  Then, Candace thought, he would have laughed evilly.

  With a gasp, Candace snapped out of her daydream and came back to reality. She knew from experience that nothing was beyond Phineas and Ferb. She was convinced they were planning yet another outrageous scheme.

  “Not today, they won’t,” Candace vowed. She was determined to finally catch her brothers in the act.

  In the backyard, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher walked up to Phineas and Ferb. “Hi, boys,” she said brightly. “What are you doing?”

  “We’re doing nothing today,” Phineas explained.

  “Well, I’m off to the festival to set up my tea-cozy stand,” she said, nodding. “Bye!”

  “Bye, Mom,” Phineas said. He looked around. “Hey, where’s Perry?”

  Perry had left the backyard. He knew he couldn’t afford to do nothing all day. After all, he wasn’t just a pet platypus. He was also Agent P, a secret agent of great cunning and skill.

  Perry walked over to a garbage can, which was actually the entrance to a hidden passage. He glanced around, then put on his secret-agent hat, a brown fedora. He opened a door in the side of the garbage can and stepped through it.

  Perry slid down a chute to his secret-agent headquarters. He landed in a chair in front of a large TV screen. Usually, Perry would find his boss, Major Monogram, on-screen, ready to tell him about his latest assignment.

  Today, the screen showed Major Monogram dancing with a crowd of people under a sparkling disco ball. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and looked as if he were having a great time.

  Major Monogram caught sight of Perry, who was staring at the screen with surprise.

  “Hey, Agent P,” said Major Monogram, a little embarrassed. “Karl, give me a close-up.”

  Suddenly, Major Monogram’s face filled the screen. The dance music stopped.

  “So, uh, anyway . . . stop Doofenshmirtz,” he said with a serious expression. Then he added happily, “Hit it, Karl!”

  The music started playing. Major Monogram went back to dancing.

  Perry knew that, once again, he had to stop Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s latest evil plot. The major hadn’t given him much to go on, but Perry knew one thing for sure: if Doofenshmirtz was involved, the world was in grave danger!

  Chapter 2

  Candace walked into the backyard and looked around. She saw Phineas and Ferb standing under a tree.

  “Hi, Candace,” Phineas said cheerfully.

  “I’m not here for ‘hi’s’,” she said. “Today is a pivotal moment in my life. You see, Jeremy’s band is going to play at the festival. Jeremy is going to see me in the crowd. Not just because I have front-row seats, but because I’m going to be cheering harder than anyone else. Like this.”

  Candace jumped around and waved her arms. “Woo! Yeah! Woo, baby! Oh, yeah! Sing it!”

  She stopped cheering and turned to her brothers. “Then we’re going to date through high school and college, marry, and have two kids, Xavier and Amanda,” she said.

  Candace daydreamed for a moment. Then she snapped back to reality.

  “So don’t you dare ruin it with one of your little project thingies!” she warned Phineas.

  “No problem, Candace,” Phineas said. “’Cause today we’re doing nothing anyway.”

  “And don’t try to give me—” Candace stopped. “Did you say ‘nothing’?”

  “Nothing,” Phineas repeated, nodding.

  “Nothing?” She gasped in disbelief.

  “Nothing,” Phineas said.

  “Standing is something,” Candace pointed out.

  Just then, both Phineas and Ferb fell backward until they were lying on the grass, staring up at the sky.

  “Hmm.” Candace had to admit that her brothers didn’t seem to be doing anything. Of course, it wasn’t even lunchtime yet.

  “Well, you can’t do nothing forever!” she snapped. “And when you stop doing nothing, I’ll start doing something—and that something will be busting you!”

  Candace stomped into the house and watched Phineas and Ferb through a window. They weren’t moving. But Candace wasn’t going to be fooled by that!

  “Look at them plotting my downfall,” she muttered.

  She pulled out her cell phone and dialed.

  When Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher’s phone rang, she was standing in her booth at the county fair. She was surrounded by stacks of handmade tea cozies. Each one was the perfect size to put over a teapot to keep the tea warm. Candace’s mom had already sold a few, and she was hoping for a busy day. Then her cell phone rang.

  “Hello?” she said.

  “Mom!” Candace said. “Phineas and Ferb are doing nothing. Nothing! In a relentless effort to ruin my day!”

  “Candace, honey,” her mother said with a sigh, “why can’t you just relax and let your brothers enjoy their do-nothing day?”

  Candace hesitated. It would be nice to be able to kick back for once. Spying on her brothers in order to get them in trouble was hard work.

  “Could it really be possible?” she said to herself. “Could Phineas and Ferb actually be doing nothing?”

  She decided to take a chance. “You’re right, Mom,” she said. “I should just try and relax until Stacy picks me up for the concert.”

  “Exactly!” her mom said. “Love ya.”

  Candace hung up. “Well, if they really are doing nothing, I guess I’ve got some time to go about my own personal business,” she said to herself. “Let’s see, what do I usually do? I know!”

  She flipped her cell phone open. “I’ll call Stacy and tell her how I’m busting Phineas and Ferb for—”


  She stopped talking and closed her cell phone.

  “Oh, yeah,” she said. “Can’t do that, ’cause they’re not doing anything.” Then she had an idea. “Wait a minute! I know.”

  Candace set up the family’s video camera in front of a window that looked into the backyard. “I’ll put this camera in just the right spot so when Phineas and Ferb are—”

  Then she remembered. Phineas and Ferb weren’t doing anything. Which meant she couldn’t catch them doing something!

  Candace groaned with frustration and tried again. “And then when Phineas and Ferb walk by,” she said, “I’ll—”

  Her voice trailed off. She grunted, annoyed. Then Candace trudged to her bedroom to get ready for the concert.

  A moment later, she stood in front of a mirror, carefully putting on lipstick.

  “Well, if there’s one thing I know,” she said, “I’m going to look so good when I bust them for—”

  Oh. Right. There was nothing to bust them for. She growled with irritation.

  “Face it!” she said. “You can’t do anything unless you’re trying to bust them for doing something! And if they’re doing nothing, then . . .”

  She wailed loudly. “Who is Candace?”

  In the backyard, Phineas and Ferb hadn’t moved. Lying in the grass, Phineas sighed as he looked up at the sunny sky, completely relaxed.

  Then the sun was blocked out by a piece of paper. Phineas realized Candace was holding a building-plan diagram in front of his and Ferb’s faces.

  “Hey, Phineas,” Candace said in an upbeat tone, “is it the perfect day to build one of these, or what?”

  “Sorry, Candace,” Phineas said. “It’s like we said. We’re pursuing the best do-nothing day ever. But if you put it in our inbox, we’ll try to build it tomorrow.”

  Candace frowned and crumpled the paper. She pulled out another diagram and waved that in front of their eyes.

  “Huh? Huh? Time-traveling submarine?” she said in a coaxing voice. “Come on!”

  “Candace, now you’re just taking pages from our project book,” Phineas said.

  His sister glanced down at the book she was holding. The words Phineas and Ferb’s Project Journal were written on the front cover. She turned red and quickly hid the book behind her back.

  Since Candace’s attempts to get Phineas and Ferb back to their scheming ways had failed, she went back into the house. She sat down on the couch in the living room and picked up the TV remote.

  “How can I inspire them to build something?” she wondered aloud as she turned on the TV.

  Just then, a commercial appeared on-screen.

  “Are you a boy?” a TV announcer asked. “Doing nothing with your stepbrother today? Do you like high adventure?”

  “Yeah!” a crowd of kids on the TV yelled.

  “Then we have the product for you!” the announcer went on. “It’s the Amazing Man-Eating-Dinosaur–Themed Totally Sick Waterslide of Doom! That’s right, kids. The Amazing Man-Eating-Dinosaur–Themed Totally Sick Waterslide of Doom can be delivered in just minutes!”

  On-screen, a truck stopped in front of a house, and boxes were unloaded.

  “And it’s so easy to assemble, even a five-year-old can build it!” said the announcer.

  “I did it!” said a cute kid on TV.

  “Call now!” the announcer finished.

  Candace didn’t have to be told twice. She was already reaching for her phone.

  Chapter 3

  A short time later, a deliveryman unloaded a number of boxes into the Flynn-Fletchers’ backyard. When he had finished, Candace signed for the shipment, smiling happily.

  “Well, that’s the last of it,” the deliveryman said. “By the way, aren’t you a little too old to be building one of these?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

  “Why, yes,” Candace said. “Yes, I am.”

  Once the deliveryman had left, she started opening the boxes. “Okay, I’ll get this thing started,” she said. “And then, because they’re men, they’ll want to take over and show me how to do it. Then I’ll call Mom and bust them!”

  Happily, Candace unpacked the boxes.

  Meanwhile, Perry was busy tracking down Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Perry knew he was up to something—but what? The scientist was a madman, but he was a brilliant madman. He had built his own evil empire, a company called Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc. The offices were in a high-rise building topped with a company sign, so Perry knew exactly where to find Dr. Doofenshmirtz.

  When Perry arrived, he kicked the door open and entered the building.

  Dr. Doofenshmirtz looked up from his latest invention. He didn’t seem upset to see Perry. In fact, he seemed pleased.

  “Oh, hello, Perry the Platypus,” he said, smirking. “I’d like to introduce you to something.”

  He quickly turned around and pointed an unusual-looking machine at Perry. “My Slow-Motion-inator!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz cried as he pressed a button.

  Zap! A ray from the machine hit Perry. He tried to run toward Dr. Doofenshmirtz, but he could only move in slow motion!

  Dr. Doofenshmirtz watched Perry run at a snail’s pace. He walked over and put one hand on Perry’s head. Then Dr. Doofenshmirtz leaned on him, as if he were resting.

  “This way you’re too slow to foil my evil scheme, and I don’t have to worry about capturing you,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz explained. “Problem solved. Anyway, let’s get down to business.”

  Perry may have been in slow-motion, but he was determined to accomplish his mission. He kept running as Dr. Doofenshmirtz talked.

  “I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but I’m not exactly very . . . hmm, what do the kids call it these days?” Dr. Doofenshmirtz paused. “Ah, handsome. My doctor says it’s genetic, but I don’t blame my parents. I blame everyone else in the entire tri-state area for being better looking than me! So, I invented this: my Ugly-inator!”

  He pulled out a machine that was bigger than the Slow-Motion-inator. This machine was bright green with a plastic dome on the top. Inside the dome sat a frog, which gave a sad little croak.

  “It harnesses the horned frog’s unpleasant appearance to render its target ugly!” said Dr. Doofenshmirtz. The frog looked at him, annoyed, but the scientist didn’t notice. “Let me give you a demonstration on handsome movie actor Vance Ward.”

  Dr. Doofenshmirtz pulled a rope, which lifted a sheet to reveal a man strapped to a board. He had thick, wavy blond hair, bright blue eyes, and perfect teeth. He was wearing an elegant suit.

  Vance Ward smiled as if he were onstage and the curtain had just gone up.

  “Hi! I’m Vance Ward,” he said with a big smile.

  “If it can turn him ugly, it can turn anything ugly,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said. “Are you ready, Vance?”

  “I guess, but I didn’t get a script,” Vance said. “I mean, what’s my motivation in this scene?”

  “Motivation?” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said with a smirk. “Oh, I think it will be clear to you in a second.”

  He aimed the Ugly-inator at Vance and pulled the trigger. Immediately, the handsome actor turned into a misshapen, odd-looking man. He was wearing an undershirt and sagging pants.

  Dr. Doofenshmirtz laughed. “Now, on to the rest of the tri-state area!” he cried. “Oh, and Perry the Platypus, you know what the best part of my plan is?”

  * * *

  A short while later, Dr. Doofenshmirtz had forced Perry and Vance onto a large platform that was attached to a huge balloon. When the top of the building opened, they floated up into the sky. On the platform was a reclining chair and a TV.

  “I’m going to do it from the comfort of my own living room, with my favorite flat-screen TV and recliner,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said to Perry.

  Perry tried to run toward Dr. Doofenshmirtz, but he was still in slow motion.

  The evil scientist leaned back in the recliner and put his hands behind his head. This was the life, he thought. Kicking back, relaxing, and doing nothing—except evil, of
course!

  In their yard, Phineas and Ferb were still lying on the grass. They were enjoying doing nothing. It was a refreshing change of pace.

  Just then, Candace walked past them carrying an armful of boxes.

  “Oh, hey, boys. I see you’re still doing nothing,” she said. “Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just carrying a few construction supplies for a really huge, supercool contraption.” She laughed. “You know, like the ones you used to build. Well, I figured I’d get in on the fun today.”

  She leaned over Phineas to pound a stake into the ground with a mallet.

  “Oh, pardon my reach,” she said. “Just trying to get into the most convenient position to drive this stake into the ground. Oh, yeah! I’m really having fun now!”

  “Uh, Candace?” Phineas said.

  “Oh, I know what you’re going to say,” she said, pleased. “Of course you can take over the whole operation.”

  “Uh, actually, I was going to ask if you could keep the noise down,” Phineas said politely.

  Candace frowned. She couldn’t believe that Phineas wasn’t taking the bait. No matter—she had a few more tricks up her sleeve!

  “Uh, well, back to the important things in life, like having fun,” she said.

  She pulled out a jackhammer and started drilling into a beam. “Remember when you used to have this much fun?”

  Phineas and Ferb ignored their sister.

  A moment later, a mixing truck pulled up and started pouring cement in the backyard.

  “All this fun could be yours, too,” Candace said to her brothers.

  Then a crane arrived. It began to move the dinosaur she’d ordered onto the yard.

  “All you have to do is join me!” Candace said.

  After a short time, Candace had nearly finished putting together the Amazing Man-Eating-Dinosaur–Themed Totally Sick Waterslide of Doom. The slide came out of the dinosaur’s mouth and twisted around before it reached the ground.