Zero F*cks: a standalone novel

by LK Collins

  The sun is about to cap the morning sky, and I can’t wait to hit some waves after I blow my load.

  “Yes,” she moans louder, and I curse myself for not remembering this chick’s name. I met her at the bar last night, and whelp…here we are.

  A sliver of sun slices across her tits, and I have a hard time focusing on anything else. They bounce, my mouth watering at I watch them. Then I flip her on her back, needing to taste them. She laughs as I hover over her. “God, you’re an animal.”

  “You like getting fucked hard, don’t you?” I ask and lick a circle around one of her nipples. Stopping our movements for a brief second, she nods her head. “Then grab on to your thighs, like a good girl.” Sliding my hands up her back, I wrap my fingers over her shoulders and fuck her ‘til she’s in a little pain. I like fucking women right to the edge. Keeping my strokes firm and deep as I work her hard like she likes, it pushes her over the edge. Watching her come causes me to blow hard, enjoying her tight pussy milking me, curling my toes, pumping my dick dry.

  A low grunt crackles in my throat, and when I finish, I get off her and sit on the edge of the bed looking out at the beach, still feeling a little drunk from the night before. I’m stoked that my aunt lets me stay here, even though I haven’t paid her shit in rent. I wish I cared a little bit more about life, but I’m too fucked up since leaving the Navy. What I thought my future was gonna be has disintegrated before my eyes, and in the wasteland that remains, I find myself drowning the days away, surfing, drinking, and fucking.

  “Is everything okay?” the chick asks me.

  “Yeah, what’s your name again?” I ask her.

  “Are you fucking serious?”

  “Yup, I really have a shitty memory.”

  “Fuck you!” she retorts and throws a pillow at me, snatching her clothes from the floor. It always works to get them out of my bed…but this time, I really don’t remember her name.

  “Is it Amber?” I ask as I toss the condom into the trashcan and glance over my shoulder at her as she is getting dressed.

  “You’re an asshole, you know that?”

  “So I’ve been told, sweetheart.” I pull on my board shorts and open the rear sliding door to my condo. She glares, but it’s wasted on me as I take my surfboard, making my way down to the water. The sand is already warm between my toes, and I fuckin’ love the feeling. This time of year in Florida, it’s always fucking hot, but it’s why I live here. The waves are decent and I can surf whenever. Wading out in the cool Atlantic Ocean, I climb on my board and paddle a bit. My eyes are on the sun as it warms my face.

  Breathing in the air, I hope that starting work today will give me the purpose and adrenaline that I need in my life. I miss being in the Navy. It was my life…my future and I lost it all over one goddamn mistake. Like I’ve done time and time again in my life. So maybe this next adventure will be exactly what I need, and I can do it right.

  The sun has fully risen, casting some dope rays across the sky. The waves crash beneath me, and I turn my back on the yellow orb, looking to my left as a massive wave forms. Paddling forward to catch it, I hop up and turn my board, but suddenly plummet forward, tumbling beneath the salt water. I don’t bother rushing up. I can hold my breath for six minutes…a skill that I trained for years to accomplish, a skill that I no longer have a use for. Sitting under the waves as they crash above me, my board pushes and pulls as it’s strapped to my ankle. The water burns my open eyes, but being underwater is fucking amazing. It’s where I feel at home and about all I have to look forward to anymore.

  Finally I come up for air and then ride some waves. Knowing that I’m joining my new unit today gets me out. I don’t want to be late or fuck it up.

  Going back to my place, I glance around and the girl from last night is gone, thank God. I pour a generous amount of cheap vodka in a glass, enough to start my day off right, and then turn the shower on. But I laugh out loud when I see what she wrote on the mirror, with what I’m guessing was red lipstick. “Amy was here!” “Amy” is underlined and I chuckle to myself. Amy, Amber, really no difference to me.

  After showering, I get dressed, gargle some mouthwash, then walk out to my truck to drive to the base. I leased this baby the day I got home from Coast Guard boot camp, taking full advantage of the military discounts they were handing out at the dealership. Haven’t paid a dime since…so I’m sure any day now and it’ll be gone. Like everything else.

  As I park in the lot, I look around at all the helicopters and boats that are docked all around the base and I’m so unbelievably ready for this. This gig is going to be fucking amazing. Way better than slumming orders from some asshole that at any moment can make the decision on whether you live or die.

  On my way inside, I pass a Jayhawk and stare at it; the blades are huge as they slowly whip in the air. The crew must be getting ready for take-off. I kinda hope my lieutenant stations me in the air; it would be a cool change. I mean, I love the water, it’s one of the things I loved most about being a SEAL. That was before I kicked the shit out of my captain, which got me orders back to the States the same day. Doesn’t matter though…I was never a lifer like most guys. I thought I was for a few years. I followed in my dad’s footsteps and became a SEAL, wanting to honor his name and the man he was…but nothing can prepare you for what being a Navy SEAL is like. Death—the unknown—sacrifices—all for what? A few fucking stars and medals? None of that shit brings back the lives they take or the friends you lose. It’s why I got kicked out—my temper got the better part of me after my captain made a bad call during one of our raids and one of the best guy’s on my team paid with his life.

  Shaking away the negativity that festers inside of me, I walk in and tell the hottie behind the desk, “Hi, I’m here to see Lieutenant Boscov.”

  “And you are?”

  “Nixon Andrews.”

  “Please have a seat, sir.”

  She points to a group of chairs that I pass on sitting in, instead looking through a wall of glass windows into the huge shop where they work on the helicopters. There are a ton of guys all hard at work.

  “Nixon,” my new lieutenant calls out.

  I turn and see the older gentleman who I was assigned to report under. He’s seemed pretty cool about giving me a second chance. Which I’m grateful for, ‘cause if it wasn’t for him, I’d be slinging burgers for minimum wage or some shit.

  “How are you, sir?”

  “Very well. It’s great to see you, Nixon.”

  We shake hands and he says, “Listen, I know we talked about a few options for you, but I think I found a permanent spot where you’ll fit right in, and it’s in the air, which you’ve expressed that’s where you’d like to be. They are an excellent rescue flight crew that is down a crewmember. It’s a tight-knit group, but I think with your knowledge and skill set, it could be a good fit.”

  “As long as I’m busy and saving people, I’m good, sir.”

  “Oh, you will be.”

  “Very good, sir.”

  “Great. So what do you say…wanna meet the crew?”

  “Yes. Thank you very much for giving me this opportunity, sir.”

  “You’re very welcome, Nixon.”

  He walks off and I follow behind him, noticing the girl at the desk watching me. I give her a wink; she’s fuckable for sure.

  “Cameron?” my lieutenant calls out, and when I glance up and see her…I’m shocked. No fucking way.

  Chapter 3

  Cameron

  Sonofabitch!

  “This is Nixon Andrews. He’s fresh out of boot camp, but an ex-Navy SEAL and will be your new AST,” Mack, my lieutenant, says.

  I swallow, shocked, looking Nixon in the eye again. How is this even remotely fucking possible? Nixon and I shake hands awkwardly, the feeling of his fingers on mine making my heart skip a beat. We both act like we have no clue who the other person is, but even after all this time, I lose my breath. My heart in my
throat, my eyes are wide looking at him again. God, he’s changed. I’d barely recognize him, if I saw him on the street. He’s so different, yet the same. His black hair and blue eyes resemble the old Nixon, but I can sense from his body language that he’s closed off and the pain within him is clear as he tries to hide it. He’s been through a lot, just like Conner warned me.

  “Lieutenant?” someone calls out for Mack, and he says to us, “Could you both excuse me real quick?”

  I nod and Nixon says, “Absolutely, sir.” The Navy must’ve really given him some manners.

  “So, you work in the field?” Nixon asks me, seemingly shocked.

  I hold back the derisive laugh his obvious incredulity brings bursting up. Mixed emotions of all sorts are running through me as my mind tries to unscramble. I haven’t seen him in five years, and that’s the first thing he says to me?

  “You knew I worked here. Conner told you.”

  “Uh…no, he didn’t. You think I’d be here if I knew you would be?”

  “Are you kidding me? Do I repulse you that much, Nixon?”

  “No, obviously you don’t repulse me, but I know you hate me, so I don’t want to be around that daily.”

  “Well, it sounds like that is exactly what you’re in for. Out of all the places…why—”

  He cuts me off, “I can see you haven’t changed one bit…still enjoying being a fucking nag.”

  “Fuck you!”

  He stares at me as I cross my arms over my chest and then says, “You look good, Cam, really fucking good.”

  “Sorry about that,” Mack says coming back over to us, my face beet red and about to explode as I push Nixon out of my thoughts. I’ll be damned if I let him into my head. He won’t fuck this up for me…no matter what.

  “Did you two get a chance to meet?”

  “Yeah,” I respond and still can’t believe this is happening.

  “Great. Are Guy and Luke out at the helicopter?”

  “I think so.”

  “I’m going to introduce Nixon to them. Then he should be ready for a trial run with you guys.”

  “Works for me,” I can barely choke out the words, but I force myself to.

  They walk off and I stare at the ground, my head spinning and my heart pounding as hard as it did the day Nixon left, bringing so many emotions back to the surface. Just when things are going so well for me. Work is good, Conner will be home soon, and I finally found someone I think I like in Luke. Someone that I can trust and who accepts me for me. He doesn’t push me to give him more or anything like that. After our hookup the other night, things have been so cool between us, it’s been like nothing happened. That awkwardness isn’t there, things are just normal and that’s what I need. That’s why I think Luke and I could have something.

  But now, here’s Nixon out of the blue, crashing in on things, making me instantly second-guess it all, giving me a sudden tsunami of feelings I’ve worked so long to push down and lock away. Picking up my clipboard, I hold on to it tightly, my nails digging into the back.

  I can see the guys outside all shaking hands and being chummy. I’m sure he’s going to do whatever he can to make the guys like him. Jesus, I’m fucked. I never told Guy or Luke about Nixon, so they’re not going to understand my dislike for him. They have no clue of the pain he caused me.

  Growing up, it was always my brother, Nixon, and I hanging out. We were the best of friends since we were young, spending day in and day out together. Then as time went on, I developed feelings for Nixon and fought them for years. He was my friend; I didn’t want to ruin that. But deep down, there was more to my feelings for him and I needed to acknowledge it, and I needed to know if he felt the same about me. After battling for so long, I finally gave in and so did he. And from that moment on, it was a whirlwind of a relationship, nothing could stop us or come between us. And as I looked forward to the future more than I ever had in my entire life, he put it all in jeopardy. Everything he promised me hung in the balance of a single choice—one decision, and in the blink of an eye, he went back on it all and snatched it away, including my brother, when they both joined the Navy. It killed me in the process from the inside out…

  …“Conner? Nixon?” I call out getting home from swim practice early. But the normal response I get from them doesn’t come. I check my phone for any messages from either and I don’t see any, so I figure they are upstairs.

  Heading up, I hear them talking in Conner’s room. I reach for the door handle, but I’m stopped dead in my tracks as I hear Nixon say, “Come on, man, she’ll be fine.”

  “I know she will, but I feel bad we haven’t even told her yet.”

  “We will, man, when the time’s right.”

  “This is such a huge decision. How can you be so sure?” Conner asks him.

  “I don’t have a choice. My dad died fighting for our country. I have to follow in his footsteps. I have to honor his name. This is all he ever wanted me to do.”

  “Don’t you feel bad that you told Cam you weren’t gonna join?”

  “I do, and I don’t want to hurt her, but deep down, I know this is my destiny. It doesn’t feel right to ignore it anymore. She knows I really considered college…but I just can’t. But enough about me, you gotta fucking stop swaying back and forth and make up your mind, bro.”

  “I will, but I need a little more time to wrap my head around everything, to make sure that this is really what I want...”

  I confronted them right away, and they both confirmed they were joining the Navy. It was like Conner had suddenly made up his mind and Nixon seemed to act like I should know he was doing this.

  Over the last year, since his father had been killed by enemy fire in the Navy, it seemed like Nixon had been pushing me away. I had assumed that it was simply his grief weighing on him, but as I look back, I can see that he was also disconnecting from me, preparing for what he felt like he had to do to honor his father’s memory.

  But, it didn’t matter what I said to him or Conner; there was no talking them out of it. They’d already gone behind my back, my brother and the first guy I’d ever loved. The only people I had in this world had signed their lives away without even talking to me about it first. I would’ve never done anything like that to them. It crushed everyone that cared for them. The future Nixon and I had talked about was now on hold as he was going to risk his life and possibly not come home. The feeling so unsettling, I still have anxiety to this day.

  And a week later, to the day…it was time for both to go. I didn’t think they’d actually leave, and certainly not so soon. But they did, their patriotism suddenly taking priority over the bonds we shared. And no matter how hard I tried to talk them out of it, I couldn’t. They’d already committed and made up their minds.

  Which is even crazier, because Nixon swore to me he’d never join after his dad died and Conner never talked about wanting to.

  To this day, Conner swears leaving was one hundred percent his choice, and maybe it was, but deep down, I know Nixon influenced him. I heard what I heard and saw the way Conner looked up to him. He was his role model. Up until then, Conner always had dreams to sail the world like our parents, not save the world and become a Navy SEAL.

  The worst part of all, as we said goodbye, Nixon broke up with me. He said he wanted me to follow my dreams, like he was, but that was the last thing I wanted. He didn’t want me waiting around. He wanted me to go on and live my life, but how could I when he’d become my life. I begged him to not end things, but he said it was for my own good. That he didn’t want me to end up alone like his mom. And as he let me go, I felt my insides dying, and to him, it seemed like it was no big fucking deal.

  It felt like losing him then, or whether I’d lost him later in some tragic military incident, it was all the same. It took me years to let go of him, and the goddamn minute that I think I can actually move on and have something real with someone as good as Luke, here he fucking is, back in my life,
not caring one bit about what he did to me, or about what I went through. Not apologizing about what he did to me back then or is doing to me now.

  ***

  “You ever piloted before?” Luke asks Nixon over the radio as we are out on our second test run of the day.

  “No, I was part of a team that did tactical missions. Leaving the ship and going in on land, doing raids and searches.” Jesus, I’m already sick of how much Luke and Guy are sucking up to him. It’s Conner 2.0.

  “Why’d you leave?”

  “I got into it with my Captain and kicked the shit out of him. But I needed a change anyway.”

  I huff into the radio, knowing that’s a lie. He didn’t want a change. I’m sure of it. This can’t make him happy in the slightest. Clearly he always wanted to be a SEAL, even if he lied to me about joining, it all came out in the end.

  It’s not that I’m even mad at him anymore; I’ve let go of the past and moved on from all his shit. It was so long ago. I’ve done well for myself. I’m independent and happy and will never, ever depend on anyone again in my life. At least not the way I did him and my brother.

  Looking over at him as he sits back and looks out his window, I wonder, why come back here? I mean, this area is where he is from, but why the Coast Guard?

  “Hey, Cam, your brother’s a SEAL, right?” Guy asks me.

  “Uh-huh.”

  “That’s cool,” Nixon responds, clearly not wanting the guys to know about our past, same as me.

  “We’ll be approaching the site in ninety seconds,” Luke says.

  “Ten-four,” I respond and unstrap my harness as Nixon does the same.

  “Are you sure you’re ready to do this?” I ask him sarcastically.

  “Hell yeah, I am.”

  I hook the repelling line to his harness and open the door to the helicopter. His eyes are on me, all over me. Taking a round life raft, I toss it out of the aircraft, watching it spill down to the ocean. “That’s your mark,” I tell him. “You have sixty seconds to bring it back up.”