A Fistful of Honey

by Malena Crawford

  Aggie told me he looked like a movie star and that I needed to hurry up and marry him. That and all my other issues set me off on a quest to claim Gabriel Ford as my own. If I could score him then surely the world would see me as worthy. We did eventually marry and my relationship with Gabe was as painful as it was exhilarating. On our good days I basked in his love; on the bad ones, which were most days especially toward the end, I was crying over one of his affairs, something vile he had said to me, or the way I sometimes felt utterly invisible to him. It was toxic. Instead of confirming my worth, Gabe started to distance himself, saying cruel things. He let me know that I wasn’t good enough to actually commit to, as if he’d done me a favor marrying me and I should be happy with that alone.”

  When Alena broke down in sobs, Mary took her into her arms and spoke.

  “All of these memories are keeping your heart open to darkness. It is not enough to forgive your father, your husband, yourself, or anyone else. To close these opened doorways you must forgive these memories that have become wounds, you must forgive yourself. What we have seen playing upon these walls are merely facts. They are experiences that you have had in your lifetime. It is your perception of these memories that causes you pain and keeps you engaged in negative emotions. You must become aware of what you made these memories mean to you, what beliefs you created, and then transform the wounding with truth.”

  Mary motioned for Alena to continue with her down the labyrinth of another hall, but halfway through, an invisible barrier stopped them from entering. They tried another, and then another. All of the dark corridors were blocked except for the fifth hall, and when they finally came to its chamber door it, too, was locked.

  “Alena, your dark emotions are blocking almost every hall of your heart,” Mary said. “You must find their source and release them, Dear One, so that you can be free to put the magnetic power of your heart to great use. You must rid yourself of the Shetani’s Beasts, cast Heaviness, Rage and all others out in the name of Christ. Give them free range of your Queendom no longer!”

  Mary walked Alena back to the chamber’s grand table surrounded by the violet fires.

  “These fires that burn, they are the seven spirits of good, of God. Take a good look at this emerald table. This is not simply a stone table, Dear One. This is the Emerald Tablet of your heart. As in all humans, it was placed in you by the Creator, God the Almighty. All of your emotions, thoughts, and beliefs are inscribed onto it. Together they become the instructions for your life’s manifestation.”

  Before Mary and Alena appeared four illuminated beings eight feet in height surrounding the table. Dazzling white celestial light radiated from them.

  “These are the Herald Angels. They are Heavenly Messengers. Their work in the Kingdom of Heaven is to manifest the spiritual realm into the physical world, which they are doing here. Whatever you inscribe on your heart’s Emerald Tablet, whether it be in light or in darkness, is read daily by these Angels. The Heralds read what you have written on your Tablet and manifest it in your human world. If you want to end the suffering that you have been experiencing, write your vision consciously with joy and expectancy and make it plain on your Tablet so that the Heralds may read it and manifest a new life for you. This is what the passage ‘write the vision and make it plain’ is referring to. As you believe in your heart, Alena, so are you, so have you.”

  Alena hung her head down, the weight and truth of Mary’s words spreading through her. She had witnessed and experienced so much hurt in her life, she wasn’t certain if she knew how to believe again.

  “So you ask how to send all servants of the Shetani out?” Mary asked, speaking the question before Alena could express it. “If you want to cleanse your heart of these Beasts and reclaim your power, you must first believe in your power to summon the light. Then you must do the work, your heart work. Each time you forgive another and release the beliefs and trauma that you have created around your memories, you are healing your wounds and sealing the door to your Queendom. You are releasing the Darkness, and embracing your own divine light for your own use. I will return here with you when your work has been completed. Until next time, Dear One.”

  In a dizzying flash, Alena was back in her apartment standing before the painting, breathless. It had begun.

  TEN

  Alena had wrung her clammy hands together for an hour rehearsing the words she would say to her mother.

  “Hello,” Dinah answered.

  “Mama, this is Alena.” Alena drummed her shaking fingers against the kitchen counter.

  “Alena?”

  The shock of her mother’s voice knotted Alena’s stomach. It was familiar yet more aged and weary than she remembered. There was no warmth of a familial bond, only a frigid gulf of silence between them.

  “Ma, I know it’s been a long time. I miss you.”

  “I miss you too, Alena Jae. You’ve stayed away quite a while now. Too long. How are you? Your family?”

  Tears welled in Alena’s eyes and slid down her cheeks. She breathed in deeply.

  “Okay. Could be much better.”

  Dinah heard the pain in her daughter’s voice.

  “I want to see you. I want you to meet Maya, your granddaughter,” Alena said.

  There was a long silence. Dinah’s voice was barely audible.

  “I would like that Alena…”

  Alena felt a sudden sense of urgency.

  “Mama, I’m coming to see you, okay? Alone. I’ll bring Maya next time.”

  “All right.”

  ***

  Alena met Michael for lunch the next day. When they had both finished their meals she shared her news.

  “I spoke to my mother today,” she said.

  “Whoa, that’s great, Leen. I’m proud of you. So, what happened? What did she say?”

  “Not much. I decided to visit her, alone. I’m going to Maryland in a few days.”

  “Really?” Michael’s eyes widened. “Where did that come from?”

  “Didn’t a wise man tell me not too long ago that I need my family? Well, you were right. But more than anything I need to get these wounds out of my heart, these bad dreams out of my head. I can’t live with this for the rest of my life. I’m going to see her and I’m going to confront her one last time.”

  “I don’t know, Leen. You know what happened the last time you confronted her. What good do you think that’s going to do this time around? You’re still angry, Leen. It’s too raw. What if you heal a little more before you go out there?”

  “I don’t have any more time to waste. I have to say what I need to say if I really want healing. Of course I’m still angry. That’s why I have to try. I need to know why my mother took my father’s side. To move on with my life I need to hear her say, ‘Yes, it happened, I knew and I’m sorry.’ Even if she can’t explain why she didn’t protect me, I just need to hear her say it. Before I can even think about letting her back in, I need closure on that time in my life. That’s the only way I can forgive; I have to confront them both. That’s the only way to get rid of all this darkness.” She sighed and took a sip from her water glass. “Once I do this, maybe there’ll finally be chance for a real relationship with them, whatever that looks like.”

  “If that’s what you need to do to get there, you know I’m behind you. I just don’t want you hurt all over again. Are you sure about this?”

  “Yes. I’m sure. It’s either I take the chance and go all in or I keep dying of rage, Mike. So, you feel up to a road trip?” She gave a hopeful smirk.

  “Whoa, you really want me to go with you?”

  “I do. You inspired it after all. Besides, I could really use your support. Is it too heavy for you?”

  “No, I’m honored. Let me take a look at my calendar.” Michael peered at his cell phone and tapped around on the screen.

  “For you, Leen, of course.”

  “Thank you! This means a lot. I’ll go ahead and rent a car then.”

  “Yo
u don’t have to do that, I’ll drive,” Mike said.

  “Look, I can’t ask you to drive too. Coming with me is huge already in addition to everything else you’ve done for us. Plus I have a little cash coming in, a few pairs of my shoes sold at the shop.”

  “You and that pride, Alena,” he said shaking his head. “Always have to be the superwoman huh? Save your money. I’ll be happy to drive us there, okay?”

  “All right, all right. I’ll take your ride,” Alena flashed a grin. “Thanks again. By the way, I might stay for the whole weekend depending on how things go so…”

  “So a hotel?”

  “Yeah. But we can definitely do separate rooms.”

  “I think we’re adult enough to bunk in one room, Leen, that is unless you plan to get frisky again,” he chuckled.

  She slapped him on the shoulder. “Please don’t remind me. I thought that could be one of those things we never ever talk about again. I’m still so embarrassed. But just so we’re clear, you do know that was the liquor, right?”

  “Right. The liquor.” Michael laughed again. “You worry too much. Actually, I’ve been thinking about something. Seeing as that I’m kind of… in the wind right now with Lola, and Maya’s not living with you at the moment, it would probably be safer if you had some company until they catch this guy….”

  “Are you talking about moving in?”

  “Not permanently or anything like that. Just until we both get on our feet.”

  “I don’t know, Mike. Gabe’s got eyes everywhere. For all I know he’s having me watched. It’s probably how he found my address. I know you want to help but I can hear him now, ‘Your Honor, she’s living in sin with a big black man.’”

  “Who cares what he thinks, Leen? Doesn’t he already have a girlfriend himself, who he cheated on you with while you were married? Anyway, there’s no need to get all complicated. If you’re not comfortable we can drop it. No biggie.”

  “Step into my shoes before you judge, Mike. Yes, I definitely still care. Believe me, it matters. Gabriel Ford does not fight fair, I should know. But, you’re right, it could be good for both of us. I’m still scared that Bengy might come back to finish the job he started. Of course, you’ll go back home before Maya gets back. Deal?”

  “Deal,” Michael said, looking pleased.

  ***

  As Michael’s car passed the ‘Maryland Welcomes You’ sign on the highway he glanced at Alena. She was nibbling her top lip the way she did when she was worried. Michael reached over and gave her hand a squeeze.

  “Try to relax. You’re doing the right thing, Leen. Just hang tight. I got your back, remember.”

  “Thanks. I’ll try.” She dredged up a smile. “I hope you don’t mind, I need to go this first part alone.”

  “Of course. I get it. I’ll meet you at the hotel when you’re done.”

  An hour later, Alena rapped on the door of the little yellow house. It was flanked on both sides by two cheerful looking azalea bushes. Dinah answered the door and looked at Alena with cautious affection. She had the same natural grace as Alena. Her long graying hair had been lopped off into a tapered bob and she wore a dignified pink pearl earring and necklace set. She offered Alena a stiff embrace before leading her to the table in the dining room. After years of homelessness, that little house was the first and only home her family had managed to keep. It was just like she had left it. Pictures of Alena and her sisters as girls were still lined up on the old piano.

  “I forgot to buy corn so there’s no fry bread,” Dinah said.

  “It’s fine Mama. Everything looks delicious. Like always.”

  They sat awkwardly, watching each other.

  “It’s really good to see you, Lena,” Dinah said finally, breaking the silence.

  “It’s good to see you too, Ma. Where’s Daddy?” The sound of those words leaving her mouth made her stomach drop.

  “Oh,” Dinah hesitated. “He isn’t uh, here right now.” Then she changed the topic. “So how have you been? I know that fancy rich New York high life is treating you real good.”

  Alena gave a wry chuckle. “I wouldn’t say that.”

  “No?”

  “Well let’s see. For starters, everything is all messed up. All of it.”

  “What do you mean? What’s messed up?”

  “My child is gone. My husband is gone. Job, everything. Gone.”

  “Your child is gone?! Where’s my grandbaby?”

  “She’s at her father’s. Look Ma, it’s a long story we can talk about all that later.”

  “Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I told you about marrying that white boy. There’s nothing loyal about them. I could smell he was trouble a mile off. He was just as slick as a weasel with his fancy suits.”

  Alena resented the sting of judgment in her mother’s tone, and that clucking noise she made with her tongue was like finger nails trailing down a chalk board.

  “Yeah, Ma. I know what you said. Please, don’t give me any I-told-you-so’s. I really don’t need them.”

  “Put your faith in the Lord and He’ll see you through. Trouble doesn’t last always, Alena,” Dinah said hollowly.

  Alena scoffed, “That’s it? How did I know you’d say that? The Lord. That’s still your answer to everything, I see.”

  “Indeed, He is, Lena Jae, and you might want to take that sass out of your voice and start looking to Him for once.”

  Alena tried to stop her mounting irritation with a deep inhale. “Anyway. How is everybody? What are Randall, Agatha, and Syreeta up to?”

  “Oh, they’re doing all right. Randall said he talked to you a few years ago.”

  “Yeah. He was in New York for a convention or something like that. He brought some girl with him.”

  “That’s his wife now, Sheila.”

  “Wow, Randy got married? I guess my invite got lost in the mail.”

  “Well you know how that boy is. Impulsive just like his father. It was a quick wedding anyway if you get my drift. She just had the babies a few months ago. There are his girls over there.” Dinah pointed to a photograph on the piano. “Aren’t they just precious? They’re identical twins. Must be on her side ‘cause we don’t have twins anywhere in the family.”

  “They’re beautiful. They look just like Randy. What are their names?”

  “Ava and Marie. Isn’t that perfect? Sounds like two angels. Oh and they’re good babies, too. They slept right on through the night since day one, let Randall tell it. Not even a year yet and it already looks like they’ll be talking soon. Yeah, Randy’s done pretty good for himself. We’re proud of him. They just bought a house down by the old pavilion in Waldorf. Sheila, she’s a nice girl. She’s a nurse and always offering to help me out around the house when they come around with the twins.”

  “And what about Aggie and Reeta?” Alena asked.

  “Agatha’s doing well. She moved out to Virginia, working for a technology company over there. A manager at that. She lives in a fancy little condominium and drives a fast little red car although it rarely makes it to this side of town these days. And Reeta,” she sighed, “well, Reeta’s getting her footing again. She had some bumps and stumbles over the years, a few bad bouts with the blues. She was living with us up until a few months ago. Still single as a dollar bill just like Aggie. Neither one of them will settle down with a husband and give us any grandkids.”

  Dinah looked at Alena with a curious expression. “She’s missed you. They all do. You know, to tell you the truth they’re hurt, Lena. You went and got all chichi and left your family alone. It hurt me too, if I’m being honest.”

  A familiar rage started to broil inside of Alena. “Wait. Did I just hear you correctly? They’re hurt? You’re hurt? Because of me? Am I in the Twilight Zone? Did everyone get amnesia and pretend that I just left for the sake of it?”

  “Alena, please. This isn’t the time or the place. We just missed you is all I’m saying. Your father, too.”

  “Right. Daddy missed me,” Ale
na said flatly.

  “He does. We do. You know I love you, Alena. Your Dad does too, he just…”

  “He just what Ma? Huh? Say it.” Old, familiar rage overcame her.

  “He just was never good with things like that, tender things like showing feelings.”

  “Oh, he sure as hell was good at showing feelings, that’s where you’re wrong, Ma.”

  “Now you watch your mouth! We’re not doing this again, Alena, hear?”

  “Doing what Ma? Telling the damn truth for once? Mama what about me?” Alena’s rising voice unnerved her mother.

  Dinah shot her an exasperated look. “Alena, I don’t want to go there, okay? My goodness, you just got in the door! You said you wanted to meet so let’s meet and have a nice, peaceful meal like a normal family.” She said with her fork poised above her plate, gesturing for Alena to follow suit.

  “Ma, you still don’t get it do you? None of you get it. I didn’t leave because I wanted to be ‘chichi.’ I left because your damned husband, my father, raped me and every last one of you turned your back on me when I confronted him.”

  Dinah gripped her fork in midair, shame clouding her eyes.

  “He hurt me, Mama, and you didn’t do a thing about it! Even now you’re still acting like nothing ever happened. And your precious Reeta? He raped her too, Mama. But I’m sure you already knew that. You had to have fucking known! And you chose him anyway! You told me, ‘family business stays in the family.’ That’s all you gave me. Protecting his ass above all else!”

  Speechless, Dinah shook her head, the fork trembling in her shaking hands. Alena’s heart pounded, the anger rising in her.

  “And y’all were hurt because I left? Funny, not one of you, not one damn soul from this family came looking for me except for Randy. And after all I’ve done to hold this family up.” Alena, fumed, remembering the day she vowed to cut them all out of her life. “Reeta wouldn’t even open her mouth and vouch for me. She just let everyone think I was lying on Daddy. How could anyone sane have stayed here another minute?”