A Fistful of Honey

by Malena Crawford

  Alena pushed her plate away, her eyes blinking back hot tears.

  Dinah slammed her fork down on the dinner plate, huffing and puffing. “I done had about enough of that temper of yours, Lena Jae. I am still your mother, you hear me? Don’t be vulgar. You save those foul words for the streets. You ain’t seen your family in years and you come all this way to ruin what could be a perfectly good time. What you even doing all this digging around in the past for, huh? Again? You want to break my heart a little more then leave us behind again, that it? Hmm? Let the past stay buried in the past!”

  “Enough!” Alena screamed.

  In one swift movement she swept all the dishes off of the table, sending macaroni curls and mashed potatoes crashing to the ground as she stood up.

  “I’ve had enough of this shit, Mama! You know what? Forget this. Don’t even stress yourself, Ma. You want to act like it never happened? Fine. But I’m not carrying this shame a day longer. Not one day. Whether you take responsibility or not is between you and your Lord. I shouldn’t have come. I was so stupid for coming here. Even after all this time what was I thinking? You’ll never change. I’m out of here,” she said and turned to the door.

  Dinah stood up. “Please don’t leave,” she said.

  She met Alena’s gaze directly. There was the hard glint of anguish in her eyes. Alena watched her mother’s jaw muscles clench under her smooth skin, her lips start to tremble. Then, for the first time in years, Dinah held her daughter as tenderly as she knew how.

  “You’re right, Lena Jae. You’re right. I did know. I knew he did it soon as you told me when you were a little girl. I did a terrible thing. I was a shameful woman and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what you went through.” She held Alena close to her, stroking her hair. It was a strange feeling, but Alena tried to welcome it.

  “I can’t change anything but I… I’m sorry. You were too young to understand. You still might not. I was weak… too weak.” Her voice was heavy and regretful, her face flooded with tears.

  “And scared. I was so scared. Our family would have been broken up, he would’ve been marked a monster and gone to jail for a very long time. But I swear, I didn’t choose him over you. Baby, please believe me. I swear it on my own life.” She pulled Alena back and stared into her eyes, pleading. “I was too weak to stand alone, to stand up to him, and too weak to stand by you and Reeta, my baby girls. I hate myself every day for what he did to you. It haunts me every single day of my life. My mind and my spirit weren’t right. I thought I needed to sacrifice. I thought if we never spoke about that… despicable thing… that your pain would go away and we could stay a family.”

  Alena pulled away, tears streaming down her face, mascara stinging her eyes.

  “What did I do, Mama? What did I ever do to become the sacrifice? I just wanted to matter. I just wanted to be worth your protection and your love, his love,” Alena wailed.

  “Alena, I tried. I told him I would put him in jail. Under the jail. That I would kill him myself if he ever touched you or your sister again. I told him he had to get that sickness out of him or I would cut it out. For some reason God put mercy for that man in me. He’s the father of my children. I know this doesn’t make any sense and it definitely don’t make it right, but your father was the very first man that loved me and the first and only one who asked me for marriage. I decided that he was the only man who would ever love me and I held onto that fiercely. I held on so tight that I lost myself. I lost you.”

  Alena let out a breath and looked at her mother. She took in the frailty of the woman she had once entrusted her life with and for the first time it did not disgust her. Strangely, in that moment, it filled her with compassion.

  “It makes sense, Mama. It does,” she said. It made a horrible kind of sense. “It still doesn’t make it right, but it’s something at least.”

  Dinah gently held Alena’s hands. “Before you go, you should know something. Lena Jae, Linny is ill. He’s not doing well. Doctors say he has no more than six months left.”

  “Daddy? What’s wrong with him?”

  “Cancer in his blood. Leukemia.”

  Alena felt her knees quiver as the words found their way to her ears.

  “Where is he now?”

  “General. They transferred him back from Hopkins a few days ago.”

  “Thanks, Mama. For all of this.” She pressed her palm against her mother’s face and kissed her cheek before leaving. “I love you.” Dinah waved at her as she drove off in Michael’s car.

  ***

  “How did it go?” Michael asked after Alena plopped down at the little table in the hotel suite. She leaned over to set down her purse.

  “I talked, she talked. Yelled, rather. It got ugly. I still can’t believe I cursed at my mother like I did. I’d bet money she’s in there clutching her glass pearls with that Bible peeled open, rebuking the heathen out of me. But it was good. I guess I got what I came to hear. She told me that she’s sorry and that she believed that he did it.” Alena gave a resigned shrug. “Sorry. That’s what she told me. She’s finally sorry.” She let out an airy sigh. “Well, it’s over. I won’t get back my childhood but after all these years, she witnessed me.”

  “It was a long time coming,” Michael said. “You came, you saw, you did it, Leen. So how you feel?”

  Alena paused and felt a faint smile widen across her face. “You know what? I feel… different. Lighter.”

  “Well you know I’m proud of you. I think this deserves a celebratory dessert before we head back, don’t you? How does Red Velvet from Cupcake Love sound?”

  She looked away, biting her lip.

  “There’s more. My dad is in the hospital. He’s dying.”

  Michael reached for her. “Alena. I’m so sorry. Are you all right?”

  “It’s all coming so fast,” she said, the words rushing out faster than her thoughts. “I don’t know yet. I’m sad, of course. Shell-shocked. I’m going to go see him tonight.”

  “Are you sure you’re ready to do that? You’re mom alone was some pretty heavy emotional lifting.”

  Alena’s chocolate brown eyes flashed with indignation.

  “Of course I’m going. I have to, ready or not. My dad is dying, Mike. If I’m going to close these doors and clear my heart I have to tell him what I need to say before he’s gone. In spite of everything, he’s still my father. It’s time for me to get my peace.”

  That evening, Alena drew in a deep breath and walked through the hospital doors, down the stark white corridors, and into her father’s room. She never imagined she would ever be this close to him again. Linwood Johnson. Three feet away. Just the two of them. The sight of him sent a jolt of pain through her. A face that was terrifyingly familiar, once strong and muscular, was now gaunt and hollow. Chemotherapy had burned his already dark skin, singeing it blue black in some places. He lay unmoving, the helm of a white blanket pulled to his chin. A felled giant.

  She stood by his bedside listening to the slow rasp of his breath. In her hands a Styrofoam cup of hot coffee to soothe her, thick with sugar. Despite the freshly mopped floors Alena could smell the stench of death creeping over him.

  Old memories and thoughts wafted in from their hiding places. She thought of how many nights she had wished him dead. She thought of his betrayal, his lustful treason tangled in her innocence. No matter how hard she tried to push those vivid memories away they broke through into her consciousness like thieves in the night, filling her nightmares even as a grown woman.

  Sensing a presence, her father opened his eyelids slowly. Those once soul piercing eyes were now half-mast and took on an empty greyish haze. Her heart pounded. Was she really there? Yes, those were her fingers wrapped tightly around the bar of the hospital bed, which was lending her its strength to stand.

  “Di?” He mumbled in a labored breath, staring with bewilderment at her.

  “No Daddy. It’s me. Alena.” Addressing him felt awkward on her tongue.

  �
�Lena Jae?”

  She had not touched him, voluntarily, since she was a little girl but the moment gave her courage to hold his large skeletal hand in hers. “Yes.”

  Alena felt her father’s tension and discomfort as he pulled his hand out from hers. She drew in a long deep breath and all the courage she could summon with it.

  “How are you feeling?” she asked.

  “I’m comfortable. It’s been a long time. I didn’t expect to see you again. Where’s your mother?”

  He spoke slowly, in a voice so low she could barely hear it. She leaned in closer to him to hear his words.

  “Yeah, it has been, Daddy. Ma’s not here. I came by myself. So, how are you feeling? She said you were at Johns Hopkins before.”

  “They say what I have they can’t do anything for anymore. It’s eating through my lymph nodes now. Hospice next. But I’m not in the pain I was in. I’m ready to go, I suppose.”

  “Daddy, I have something to say to you and I just ask that you listen. I came here fully expecting to hate you for what you did to me and to be relieved that you finally get to rot in hell for how you treated us. But I don’t feel that way anymore. In this moment I just need to say this to you.”

  He stared at her listlessly, his eyes void of emotion.

  “I need to know why. Why? You were my daddy. I looked up to you. I loved you so much. Why did you hurt me? Why did you tell them I was lying? You ruined so much of my life, Daddy. Every single day I had to live with all that pain and anger you put in me. I’ve been out here trying to find love with half of a heart. I have nightmares all the time. I’m a grown woman and I still cry at night over what you did. I still wake up afraid for my life. You were a monster to me, Daddy. You were a boogeyman that I couldn’t get out of my head. But the crazy thing is—the thing I really hate —I still love you. After everything you have been and done, I still love you.”

  She searched those empty eyes for any hint of guilt, remorse, regret, love. Perhaps sensing so, he turned his languid gaze away from hers and trained it on the blank wall instead.

  “That was a long time ago,” he said weakly. After a long pause, he continued. “Only God can judge me and I know He will, sooner now than later. What else do you want from me, Lena?”

  “I’m not asking for anything from you, Daddy. Not one thing. I’m taking everything back. I’m taking my life back with me. My heart. What I came for is my freedom. You have no idea what it’s like to hate every part of yourself, to wake up disgusted by your own husband’s touch, to live in constant fear because your father swore he’d kill you. But I won’t let what you did keep me captive anymore. Today I can finally see you just as you’ve always been. You ain’t no Big Bad Wolf. You’re a coward! And a liar! You’re just a scared little sheep in wolf’s clothes.”

  To Alena’s surprise a tear trickled down his cheek. His lips balled up into a grimace, as if he was disgusted with himself for allowing it. He was silent as Alena wiped it away and gave his bony hand a soft pat.

  “Goodbye, Daddy.”

  Her fingers were quivering and numb now from gripping the bedrail so tightly. She snatched up her purse and coffee and turned to leave. His weak voice called from behind her.

  “Lena Jae, what I did to you girls was done to me. And not by no woman, either. I am what I am, but I always loved you girls. You’re right, I ain’t no wolf. No, I ain’t no wolf. I’m a sinner, that’s what I am.”

  Love. She wished just a kernel of her heart could believe his words for its own sake. I love you too, Daddy was what she wanted to say, but disgust constricted her throat, closing it tight. Again her heels clacked against the tiled floors, now going out of the hospital room and back through the corridors, leaving all of her raging ghosts behind on his dark altar.

  ELEVEN

  “Well, the preemptive strike has arrived,” Alena announced to Michael and sighed, tapping the envelope from the New York City Family Court against her hand. She plunked down on her sofa and piled the rest of the mail onto her lap.

  “Court papers for the custody hearing. September 9th. How does this bastard just get to decide to snatch up my baby and tell me when I get to see her again?”

  “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,” Michael said. “He has no right to jerk you around like that and lay down the law according to him. You’re the girl’s mother. Where I come from that shit’s called kidnapping.”

  “You sound like Gloria. I told you, I called the police but they said they don’t get involved in civil matters when there’s no court order to enforce. What can I do? I have to wait for my day in court.”

  “You can steal her right back from him. Give him the same bowl of shit he served you and let him be the one waiting on the court before he gets to see his daughter.”

  “And what will that do? He’ll come over here to get her back, take her again, and then I’ll go wherever the hell he is to get her back, and we’ll just have this nasty tug of war with Maya in the middle. No. I wish I could be as cold-blooded as he is, but I can’t do that to my child. I can’t put Maya through that kind of drama.”

  “It’s your choice, Leen. Have you thought about what you’re going to say? I mean, you still don’t have a lawyer and since you’re representing yourself you’re going to have to be flawless in front of the judge.”

  Alena rolled her eyes.

  “No, still no lawyer and you know what they say about the man, or woman, who represents herself. She’s got a fool for a client. I’m sure Gabe will come in there with both guns loaded, particularly that smug bottom feeder lawyer who made sure I didn’t get to touch a dime of our money while he turned my life upside down. I’ve researched every single program I could find for low-income folks.”

  “And you checked for public defenders again?” Michael asked.

  “Over and over. There’s no public defender for family court unless you can prove that you’re unequivocally destitute, only a joke of a legal clinic that gave me a few basic pointers I already knew from law school. My hands are tied. I’m just going to go in and tell the truth, in my most elegant, Columbia Law educated way, of course. And the truth is that I’m a good mother and what Maya needs.”

  “A great mother,” Michael added.

  Alena flashed him a smile. “Not to mention I’m doing everything in my power to get back on my feet, which reminds me, I have good news! I’ve been asked back for an interview with a law office temp company. If all goes well, I’ll have a job. And get this, I spoke to one of my old co-workers, Nadia. Looks like K&K isn’t doing too well. She told me now would be a great time to file a wrongful termination suit and win. Who knows, after this custody nightmare is over, I just might sue their sorry old asses.”

  Alena looked up to catch Michael staring at her with a smirk on his face.

  “What?”

  “I’m liking the new you. You sound real good, Leen. Stronger.”

  “The new me, huh?”

  “Yeah. Ever since you reconnected with your parents, you’ve been different, in a good way. I like seeing you smile again. I missed this, Alena.”

  “Hmm. Well good, I think she’s here to stay. Now that you mention it, you’re right. I do feel kind of… new.”

  “Well, I’m going to take a nap,” Michael said, standing up. “I have a client tonight so I should get some shut eye. Wake me up at five will you?”

  “Will do.”

  Alena stretched out on the sofa and let herself relax. With a clear mind, a scrap of Mary’s words came to her. “Write the vision and make it plain.” She closed her eyes and envisioned exactly what she wanted to happen in court and in her and Maya’s lives. Fueled with love for Maya she saw them living happily in a new house, even a harmonious co-parenting relationship with Gabriel. As she pictured her new life, something else was happening.

  “Alena,” someone called.

  She felt and heard the beckoning coming from the Black Madonna painting, only this time it was not Mary Magdalene’s voice. “Ale
na, come now.” She opened her eyes and walked toward the voice. As she got closer the painting’s portal swirled open in front of her. In the next instant, she was no longer in her apartment. Alena staggered back. She clamped her eyes tight then opened them again, looking around at the strange space she’d been transported to.

  Where am I?

  She was in a small house, a cabin. Rain beat ferociously against its roof. She felt soft dirt underfoot and looked down to find herself dressed in a tattered brown flannel shift down to her bare feet. The stench of pine tar and burning herbs filled the cabin. The air was oily with the smell of two grease lanterns. The thick black soot that unfurled from them made her cough. A scream tore through the cabin. Before her was an old woman tending to a young pregnant woman in labor.

  “Push Sarah, hear?” She commanded. The young woman let out a long guttural bellow through gnashed teeth.

  Alena pressed herself against the oak plank wall behind her, causing a thud that irritated the old woman.

  “Come on gal get the molasses outcha! I said fetch me that Mugwort tea and get me some more hot water from out the fire!” she spat the words at Alena.

  Alena had to listen hard through the woman’s sharp southern Gullah twang.

  “Who are you?” she asked the old woman.

  “Child, what done got into you? Are you sick? You know I’m Granny Pearl gal and you best straighten yourself out quick! If you think actin’ crazy gon’ get you a rest then you got a whole ‘nother thing comin’. It’ll get your hide skinned off by Massa John is what.”

  “What year is it? Where am I?”

  “You in Georgia.1814. What that got to do with anything?”

  Alena look through the cabin window and onto flat swaths of rice fields. A knowing shudder moved through her. She was a slave girl on a Georgia rice plantation.