The Vnfortunate Traveller, or The Life Of Jack Wilton

by Thomas Nash

Miserable is that mouse that liues in aPhisitions house, _Tantalus_ liues not so hunger-starud in hell, as sheedoth there. Not the very crams that fall from his table, but Zacharysweepes together, and of them mouldes vp a Manna. Of the ashie paringsof his bread, he would make conserue of chippings. Out of boanes afterthe meate was eaten off, hee would alchumize an oyle, that he sold for ashilling a dramme. His snot and spittle a hundred tymes he hath putouer to hys Apothecarie for snowe water. Any Spider he would temper toperfect Mithridate. His rheumatique eyes when he went in the winde,or rose early in a morning, dropt as coole allom water as you wouldrequest. He was dame Niggardize sole heyre and executor.

  A number of olde bookes had he eaten with the moathes and wormes, nowall daye would not hee studye a dodkin, but picke those wormes andmoathes out of his Librarie, and of their mixture make a preseruatiueagainst the plague. The licour out of his shooes he would wring to makea sacred balsamum against barrennes. Spare we him a line or two, &looke backe to _Iuliana_, who conflicted in hir thoughts about me veriedebatefully, aduentured to send a messenger to Doctour _Zacharie_ in hername, verie boldly to beg me of him, and if shee might not beg me,to buy me with what summes of monie soeuer he would aske. _Zacharie_iewishly and churlishly withstood both her sutes, and sayde if therewere no more Christians on the earth, he would thrust his incision knifeinto his throate-boule immediatly. Which replie she taking at his handsmost despitefully, thought to crosse him ouer the shins with as sorean ouertwhart blow yet ere a moneth to an end. The pope (I knowe notwhether at her intreatie or no) within two dayes after fell sicke,Doctor _Zacharie_ was sent for to minister vnto him, who seeing a littledanger in his water, gaue him a gentle confortatiue for the stomack, anddesired those neere about him to perswade his holynes to take some rest,and hee doubted not but he would be forthwith well. Who should receiuethis mild phisicke of him but the concubine _Iuliana_ his vtter enimie,shee beeing not vnprouided of strong poison at that instant, in thepopes outward chamber so mingled it, that when his grande sublimitietaster came to relish it, he sunke downe starke dead on the pauement.Herewith the pope cald _Iuliana_, and askt her what strong concoctedbroth she had brought him. She kneeled downe on her knees, and sayd itwas such as _Zacliarie_ the Jew had deliuered her with his owne hands,and therefore if it misliked his holines she craued pardon. The Popewithout further sifting into the matter, woulde haue had _Zacharie_ andall Jewes in Rome put to death, but shee hung about his knees, & withcrocodile teares desired him the sentence might bee lenified, and theybee all but banisht at most. For doctor _Zacliary_ quoth she, your tentimes vngrateful phisition, since notwithstanding his trecherous intent,he hath much art, and many soueraigne simples, oiles, gargarismes andsirups in his closet and house that may stand your mightines in stead,I begge all his goods onely for your beatitudes preseruation and good.This request at the first was seald with a kisse, and the popes edictwithout delaye proclaimed throughout Rome, namely, that all foreskinneclippers whether male or female belonging to the old Jurie, shoulddepart and auoyde vpon payne of hanging within twentie dayes after thedate thereof.

  _Iuliana_ two dayes before the proclamation came out, sent her seruantsto extend vppon _Zacharies_ territories, his goods, his mooueables, hischattels and his seruants: who perfourmed their commission to the vtmosttitle, and left him not so much as master of an vrinall case or a candleboxe. It was about sixe a clocke in the euening, when those boot-halersentred: into my chamber they rusht, when I sate leaning on my elbow, andmy left hand vnder my side, deuising what a kinde of death it might beto be let bloud till a man dye. I cald to minde the assertion of somePhilosophers, who said the soule was nothing but bloud: then thought I,what a filthie thing were this, if I should let my soule fall and breakehis necke into a bason. I had but a pimple rose with heate in that partof the veyne where they vse to pricke, and I fearfully misdeemed it wasmy soule searching for passage. Fie vppon it, a mans breath to bee letout a backe-doore, what a villanie it is? To dye bleeding is all one asif a man should dye pissing. Good drink makes good bloud, so that pisseis nothing but bloud vnder age. _Seneca_ and _Lucan_ were lobcockes tochoose that death of all other: a pigge or a hogge or anie edible brutebeast a cooke or a butcher deales vpon, dyes bleeding. To dye with apricke, wherewith the faintest hearted woman vnder heauen would not bekild, O God it is infamous.

  In this meditation did they seaze vpon mee, in my cloake they muffeldmee that no man might knowe mee, nor I see which waye I was carried.The first ground I toucht after I was out of _Zacharies_ house, wasthe Countesse _Iulianaes_ chamber: little did I surmise that fortunereserued mee to so faire a death. I made no other reckoning all thewhile they had mee on their shoulders, but that I was on horse-backe toheauen, and carried to Church on a beere, excluded for euer for drinkinganie more ale or beere. _Iuliana_ scornfully questiond them thus (as ifI had falne into her hands beyond expectation), what proper apple-squireis this you bring so suspitiously into my chamber? what hath he done?where had you him? They aunswered likewise a farre of, that in oneof _Zacharies_ chambers they found him close prisoner, and thoughtthemselues guiltie of the breach of her Ladiships commaundement ifthey should haue left him behinde. O quoth she, ye loue to bee doublediligent, or thought peraduenture that I being a lone woman stood inneede of a loue. Bring you me a princockes beardlesse boy (I knowe notwhence hee is, nor whether he would) to call my name in suspense? I tellyou, you haue abused me, and I can hardly brook it at your hands. Youshould haue lead him to the Magistrate, no commission receiued you ofme but for his goods and his seruants. They besought her to excuse theirouerweening errour, it proceeded from a zealous care of their duetie,and no negligent default But why should not I coniecture the worst quothshe? I tell you troth, I am halfe in a iealozie hee is some fantasticallamorous yonckster, who to dishonor me hath hyr'd you to this stratagem.It is a likely matter that such a man as _Zacharie_ should make a prisonof his house, and deale in matters of state. By your leaue sir gallant,vnder locke and key shal you stay with me, till I haue enquirde furtherof you, you shall be sifted thoroughly ere you and I part Goe maide shewhim to the further chamber at the ende of the gallerie that lookes intothe garden: you my trim pandars I pray garde him thether as you tookepaines to bring him hether. When you haue so done, see the dores be madefast, and come your way. Heere was a wily wench had her liripoop withoutbook, she was not to seeke in her knackes and shifts: such are allwomen, not one of them but hath a cloak for the raine, and can bleareher husbands eyes as she list. Not too much of this madam Marques atonce: wele step a little backe, and dilate what _Zadoch_ the Jew didwith my curtizan, after he had sold me to _Zacharie_. Of an ill tree Ihope you are not so ill sighted in grafting to expect good frute: he wasa Jew, & intreated her like a Jew. Under shadow of enforcing her to tellhow much money she had of his prentice so to bee trayned to his cellar,hee stript her, and scourgd her from top to toe tantara. Day by dayhee disgested his meate with leading her the measures. A diamondDelphinicall drye leachour it was.

  The ballet of the whipper of late dayes here in England, was but ascoffe in comparison of him. All the colliers of Romford, who holdtheir corporation by yarking the blind beare at Paris garden, were butbunglers to him, he had the right agility of the lash, there were noneof them could made the cord come aloft with a twange halfe like him.Marke the ending, marke the ending. The tribe of Juda is adiudgedfrom Rome to bee trudging, they may no longer be lodged there, allthe Albumazers, Rabisacks, Gedeons, Tebiths, Benhadads, Benrodans,Zedechiahs, Halies of them were banquerouts and turnd out of houseand home. _Zacharie_ came running to _Zadochs_ in sack cloth and ashespresently after his goods were confiscated and tolde him how he wasserued, and what decree was comming out against them all. Descriptionsstand by, heere is to be expressed the furie of Lucifer when he wasturnd ouer heauen barre for a wrangler. There is a toad fish, whichtaken out of the water swels more than one would thinke his skin couldholde, and bursts in his face that toucheth him. So swelled _Zadoch_,and was readie to burst out of his skinne, and shoote his bowels likechaine
-shot full at _Zacharies_ face for bringing him such balefulltidings, his eies glared and burnt bliewe like brimstone and _aqua vito_set on fire in an egshell, his verie nose lightned glow-wormes, histeeth crasht and grated together, like the ioynts of a high buildingcracking and rocking like a cradle, when as a tempest takes her full butagainst his broad side. He swore, he curst, and said, these be theythat worshippe that crucifide God of Nazareth, heres the fruits of theirnewfound gospell, sulphur and gunpouder carry them all quick to Gehenna.I would spend my soule willingly, to haue this triple headed Pope withall his sin-absolued whores, and oile-greased priests borne with ablacke sant on the deuills backes in procession to the pit of perdition.Would I might sinke presently into ye earth, so I might blow vp thisRome, this whore of _Babylon_ into the aire with my breath. If I mustbe banisht, if those heathen dogs will needes rob me of my goods, I wyllpoyson their springs and conduit heades, whence