Q*pid

by Xavier Mayne

  “You live in a sky palace and drive a BMW, I live in a student ghetto and unclog drains for my rent.”

  Fox smiled. “Like I said, not a lot in common on the surface. But I admire the hell out of your determination to get your degree, and there’s a sense of humanity in everything you do that I find… uplifting.”

  “And you’ve completely changed my entire concept of marketing people who dress in expensive suits and drive fancy cars.”

  “I should warn you that all the others are self-obsessed dickheads. Just so you know.”

  “I have no doubt that you are unique among your peers,” Drew said with a laugh.

  “So if we’re so different on the surface, how did it know?” Fox asked, reframing the question.

  Drew shrugged. “Maybe it actually delivered on its promise to look below the surface. Though how it managed to come up with the idea that we’d somehow end up here, after a lifetime of being, you know, straight….”

  “It’s a little spooky, I have to say,” Fox added. “I keep thinking about what it might have found in my social media activity that led it to think I’d be into trying it with a guy. I mean, with one guy in particular. The only guy I’d ever even think of doing this with.”

  “You mean having a glass of bourbon while sitting on your couch?”

  “No,” Fox said, setting his drink down on the glass coffee table. “I meant this.” He leaned in and kissed Drew gently on the lips.

  Drew sighed softly and leaned into the kiss, for the first time snaking his tongue out to greet Fox’s.

  “Wow,” Fox said when they had finally broken their kiss. “I’ve kissed a few women.”

  “Is that what we’re calling ‘several hundred’ now?” Drew cracked.

  “It wasn’t several….” Fox looked up, clearly running sums in his head. “Okay, you’re probably right about that. But it makes my point all the more strongly. Never, in my entire life, did kissing a woman make me feel the way kissing you does.”

  “And how does it make you feel?”

  “Like I’m doing the wrong thing in the most right way possible. Like this is a secret the universe tried to keep from me, and now I’ve discovered it. Like I never have to kiss anyone else ever because it cannot possibly get better than it is right now.”

  Drew smiled. “To me it feels like coming home.”

  “See? That’s what I mean. You’re so much better at emotions than I am.”

  “I like your emotions just fine,” Drew replied, then slid closer to Fox and rested his head on his shoulder.

  They sat and looked out onto the city for a long while.

  Chapter EIGHTEEN

  “MR. KINCADE, welcome back,” Jeff said as Fox got out of the driver’s seat.

  “Enjoy your dinner, sir,” the other Jeff said to Drew as he stepped from the passenger side of the car.

  “Thank you,” both men said to the valets.

  “They’re nice kids,” Drew said as he and Fox climbed the stairs toward the restaurant.

  “They’re happy for me, I think. I’ve never shown up here twice with the same person.”

  “I’m flattered.” He nodded gracefully as Fox held the restaurant door open for him.

  “Mr. Kincade,” the maître d’ called as they approached. “A table for four tonight!”

  “I think it’s a good idea to try new things once in a while, don’t you?” Fox replied.

  “Indeed, sir. Indeed.” The maître d’ cast a subtle glance at Drew, then smiled a little obsequiously at Fox. “Right this way.”

  Drew walked next to Fox through the restaurant. “Are you sure he’s going to be okay with meeting me? I’m a little worried about making a good impression.”

  “Chad’s going to love you. Don’t worry about it. Like I told you, he was in your corner from the beginning.”

  “But I was theoretical at that point. Starting now I’m going to be a real person to him—the person who turned his buddy gay.”

  Fox stopped and grabbed Drew’s hand. “It’s charming that you’re nervous. But Chad’s easy—save your nerves for when you meet my dad.”

  “Oh fuck,” Drew whispered.

  “See? Now you see tonight’s no big deal.” He kissed Drew on the nose.

  “Yeah, thanks,” Drew replied, feeling queasy.

  They arrived at a table in the middle of the restaurant, where sat two people whom Drew recognized instantly from the pictures Fox had shown him online. Chad and Mia looked up and smiled in greeting as the maître d’ deposited Fox and Drew. Chad shot to his feet.

  “Foxy,” he called in greeting, holding out his hand. Fox took it, and then they did that odd clasp-bump-pat thing that Drew associated with athletes greeting each other.

  “Chad, Mia, I’d like you to meet Drew.”

  “Great to meet you, Drew,” Chad said, his voice suddenly an octave lower and full of joyful vibrato. They shook hands.

  “Mia, nice to meet you,” Drew said, extending his hand across the table to her.

  She smiled and took his hand. “I’ve been looking forward to this ever since Fox first told us about you,” she said.

  Fox turned to Drew as they sat down. “Mia was convinced we were heading here all along. Her smarmy gloating is the only drawback I see to our being together.”

  “Hey, no fair,” Chad protested. “I wanted you guys in bed too!”

  “Maybe I should leave the three of you to it?” Mia said, with a roll of her eyes.

  “I’m just saying I was rooting for you from the beginning,” Chad said to Drew.

  “Thank you, I guess?” Drew said. He wasn’t exactly sure how to parse this conversation.

  “Chad’s right, for once in his life,” Fox explained. “He took great pains to point out to me that I was being a big baby about you. He was kind of an asshole about it, and apparently that’s what friends are for. Being assholes to each other.”

  “You’re welcome,” Chad said grandly.

  “The important thing is that you two found each other, and you look pretty damn happy,” Mia said, looking from Fox to Drew and back again. “I think that’s awesome.”

  “It’s all kind of been a new experience,” Fox said. “I wasn’t really sure how guys… you know, dated and stuff?”

  Chad leaned forward conspiratorially. “What kind of ‘stuff’ are we talking about here?” He leered comically, as if his meaning weren’t clear enough.

  Fox leaned forward to meet him halfway across the table. “I’m not going to tell you about that kind of ‘stuff.’”

  Chad’s face fell. “Fine. It’s unhealthy to keep it all bottled up inside is all I’m saying.”

  “Please excuse my husband,” Mia said across the table to Drew. “Fox was the last wild stallion in their little clique, and I think he’s going through vicarious-lothario withdrawal.”

  Drew laughed. “I didn’t realize there was a clinical term for it.”

  “Oh, he’s got it bad. These two post-gamed every one of Fox’s dates. I tried not to listen, but sometimes hearing two guys talk about… stuff… well, sometimes it could get a girl worked up. Which I don’t think Chad has any complaints about,” she said, smiling at her husband.

  “It’s so nice to find out that my sex life was so useful to the two of you,” Fox said.

  “And it still can be. I’m honestly kind of curious about how it works.” Chad seemed to have second thoughts about expressing an interest in Fox and Drew’s intimate life. “Mia sometimes looks at gay porn,” he blurted.

  She shot him the Look. He recoiled, eyes wide. “Which I think we can all agree is something that should not be mentioned in polite company,” he added hastily.

  “Good thing this ain’t polite company,” Drew offered, hoping to restore peace to the table. It seemed to work, as all four laughed, and the tension was released.

  For a moment.

  “So, have you two… you know…?” Chad made a face like a young vicar imagining how sex might feel.


  Drew and Fox stared at him, aghast.

  “I’m only asking in the interest of science. It’s not every day that someone does a one-eighty on their sexual orientation. I’m only trying to understand what that’s like.”

  “It’s private is what it’s like,” Fox scolded.

  “I understand the curiosity, though,” Drew said kindly. “When straight sex is the only kind you’ve ever imagined, a change like this can be a bit… challenging.”

  “That’s all I meant,” Chad said, looking at Fox. “We’ve never had any secrets when it comes to sex, have we?”

  “You certainly haven’t,” Fox retorted. “I learned that the hard way on spring break.”

  “That was one time!” Chad cried.

  “It was twice, and I know this because I was in the same bed. I felt every move you and that cruise-ship hussy made.” Fox put his hand on Mia’s arm. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

  “Oh, he’s told me about that,” Mia replied casually. “But I do have a question for you: did he make that noise even back then?”

  Chad’s eyes widened in horror. “Wha—”

  “You mean the thing with his nose?”

  “Yes!” Mia hooted. “The one that sounds like he’s trying to snort his orgasm up like a booger?”

  “Oh my God, yes. I thought he was having an asthma attack and I was going to have to roll him off her and shove his inhaler into his mouth.”

  “Look, there’s our waiter,” Chad called abruptly. “Let’s hear the specials.” He waved frantically, unseen by the waiter, who was at the moment across the restaurant.

  “Wait, suddenly we’re not supposed to talk about sex?” Fox asked.

  “Not normal sex,” Chad said. “That’s boring. We all know what that’s like.”

  “I object to your use of the term ‘normal,’” Fox said.

  “I object to your use of the term ‘boring,’” Mia added.

  “I’d like to hear the specials,” Drew threw in. He smiled at Chad.

  “You’re my favorite,” Chad muttered to him. He tipped his head in the direction of Fox and Mia, who were laughing until tears rolled down their cheeks. “These other jokers are dead to me now.”

  “In answer to your question,” Drew said, leaning closer to Chad and lowering his voice, “we’ve only kissed and cuddled a bit. We’re taking it slow.”

  “But enough to know it’s right? For both of you?”

  Drew was deeply touched by Chad’s concern for his friend and the new relationship he found himself in. “It’s amazingly right. And thank you for being such a good friend to him through this. He’s a lucky man to have you in his life.”

  “I say the same to you, sir,” Chad replied with a gracious bow. “I haven’t seen him this happy in a long, long time.”

  “What are you two plotting over there?” Fox demanded. He and Mia regarded them suspiciously.

  “We were discussing the currency manipulations of the Tudors and the resulting formulation of Gresham’s Law,” Chad answered without skipping a beat.

  “That was really good,” Drew muttered.

  “I studied up a little in preparation for tonight,” Chad muttered back. “You think they bought it?”

  “Yeah, no,” Fox answered. “You made a solid effort, but it came too quickly.”

  “That’s what I’m always telling him,” Mia said, then burst into laughter.

  “Wow,” Chad said. “Just wow.” He turned to Drew. “I guess you and I will be going home together tonight. These two don’t deserve us.”

  Drew was overjoyed at having made such an effortless connection with Fox’s best friend. He relaxed and enjoyed immensely another dinner he could never have afforded on his own.

  CHAD AND Fox stood at the valet stand waiting for their cars. Drew and Mia had stopped off to use the restroom.

  “He’s great,” Chad said, unprompted. “I mean, really great. Really, really great.”

  “Either you’re bullshitting me, or you’re planning to leave Mia for my boyfriend. Either way, this will not end well for you.”

  Chad laughed. “I’m just saying that I have really high standards for you. I want you to be with someone who deserves you and who will be good to you. I think you’ve finally found that person.”

  “And that it’s a guy doesn’t bother you at all?”

  “I’ve been telling you all along, Foxy, all I care about is that you’re happy. What you get up to in the bedroom is your deal, though I probably will insist on details at some point because one, I’m curious, and two, you and he are the hottest guys I know, and the thought of you going at it, well….” Chad’s gaze wandered off into some homoerotic middle distance.

  “Are you going to keep doing that? You keep talking about me and Drew having sex, and it’s starting to creep me out a little.”

  “Of course I’m going to keep doing that. We always talk about that stuff.”

  “But that’s because it’s something we had in common. This is different.”

  Chad grabbed Fox by the shoulder. “You aren’t listening to me. When I say that you being with a guy changes nothing between us, I fucking mean it, okay? We still tell each other everything. Nothing’s off limits. That’s always been our deal, right?”

  Fox shrugged, then nodded. “Yeah, it has.”

  “Good. There’s only one thing that needs to change.”

  “Oh, so now you think of something.”

  “Just one. Now that you are a connoisseur of men, I need—”

  “There’s no way you can finish that sentence that won’t make me want to punch you in the throat.”

  “Shut up, this is important,” Chad said. “I need you to tell me if I start to let myself go.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “It means that I don’t want to get all fat and sloppy. I want to stay hot.”

  Fox could not contain his laughter.

  “And not ‘pretty good for a married guy’ hot. I mean ‘gay hot.’ Like if I went to a gay bar, they’d be, you know, all over me.”

  “You are being completely ridiculous right now,” Fox said between gasps for air. “Why do you want to have guys at a gay bar all over you?”

  “Because gay guys have the highest standards. I’ve let the gym slide a bit lately, and I need you to keep me honest.”

  “First, I’ve been dating a guy for a week,” Fox said, exasperated. “I have no idea what will cause a riot at a gay bar. Second, you don’t need a gay guy to tell you you’ve bulked up a bit around the middle. You know that as well as I do. Third, you’re a complete idiot.”

  “See? That’s the kind of honest feedback I’m talking about. Thank you, my gay BFF.”

  “You won’t be thanking me when I’m kicking your ass at the gym Monday morning at five.”

  “The what now? When?” Chad leaned forward as if he suddenly couldn’t hear all that well.

  “You heard me, you big straight ball of lard. Get yourself there, and we’ll get you whipped into such shape that the go-go boys will be scratching each other’s eyes out for the chance to do body shots off your six-pack.”

  Chad’s eyes widened. “They do that?”

  “How the fuck should I know?” Fox replied with a guffaw. “I’ve never been to a gay bar, remember?” He punched Chad on the shoulder. “Dumb fuck.”

  “Thanks, man. I’ll see you on Monday. You said seven, right?”

  “You snooze, you lose,” Fox warned.

  “All right, all right,” Chad replied in surrender.

  “What’d we miss?” Mia asked as she and Drew approached together. “Looked like you two were having some fun without us.”

  “Nothing, my love,” Chad said gallantly. “Just guy talk.”

  “You’ll tell me later?” Drew whispered into Fox’s ear.

  “Oh yeah,” Fox replied.

  Their cars, each driven by a Jeff, appeared from around the corner. Fox’s was first, of course—a reflection of his consistency
as a tipper.

  “It was so nice to meet you both,” Drew said. He hugged Mia and then extended a hand to Chad. Chad, however, pulled him into an enthusiastic hug. Then Chad released him, but he held him at arm’s length for a moment.

  “Don’t you hurt my Foxy,” Chad said solemnly. “I love him more than you can possibly imagine.”

  Drew, visibly alarmed, swallowed hard. “I will try to love him as much as you do,” he said.

  Chad beamed. “Good answer.”

  “Are you finished harassing my boyfriend?” Fox said. It was hard to tell which of his three dinner companions was more surprised by his use of the B-word. Drew’s eyes were wide, but he was blinking as if feeling the sting of tears in them. Mia smiled sappily, and Chad nodded sagely, as if he personally had conjured the obvious love between Fox and Drew.

  Fox powered through it, hugging Mia and then Chad, and then getting Drew into the car so they could get the hell out of Table’s porte cochere. “Good night,” he called back as he slipped behind the wheel. Jeff shut the door behind him with a soft but solid thump.

  “Wow, that got a little weird at the end,” Fox said, shaking his head.

  “I think they’re really great. Chad seems like a basic bro, but once he starts talking, you find out there’s so much more to him. And anyone who casually name-drops Thomas Gresham over dinner gets my vote.”

  “He was terrified that you wouldn’t like him,” Fox said.

  “He… what?”

  “Chad, as a general rule, likes to sit back and let the finer things in life come to him. He works in his father’s law firm, always dated the head cheerleader, spent his summers modeling for Abercrombie & Fitch. He’s had pretty much everything handed to him, on silver platters of a particularly large size. But tonight? Tonight he was working. Chad doesn’t peruse Wikipedia articles on the theoretical underpinnings of monetary policy for fun. Hell, he barely studied for his bar exams. He wanted you to love him.”

  “As best friends go, I think you hit the jackpot.”

  “And he’s crazy about you. I could tell. And I think he’s also a little jealous.”

  Drew gave a little gasp. “I would never dream of coming between you two. Please, you have to believe that. And you have to make him believe that.”