Q*pid

by Xavier Mayne

  Fox laughed. “I didn’t mean he’s jealous like that. I guess I meant he’s envious. He has this idea that guys have higher standards for other guys than women do. That’s why he was badgering me to help him get back in shape. He wants to be hot enough to get a guy to fall for him.”

  “That’s… insane,” Drew said, brows furrowed. “He’s married, to an absolutely stunning woman, and he’s also straight, right? And just between us, he’s pretty stunning himself.”

  “He’ll be thrilled you think so.”

  “Hey, wasn’t that the exit we needed?” Drew asked, turning to look out the window.

  “I wanted to go for a little drive. You up for that?”

  Drew smiled. “I’m up for anything you can think of.”

  “Anything?” Fox asked, grinning.

  “Anything,” Drew assured him.

  The smile didn’t leave Fox’s face until they were well out of the city.

  “This is interesting,” Drew said as Fox turned off the highway onto a small country road. “What’s out here?”

  “Nothing,” Fox said, looking out into the empty darkness. “It’s kind of perfect that way.”

  Drew studied him for a long moment but said nothing more.

  Fox pulled off the road and brought the car to a slow rolling stop. “Here we are,” he said.

  Drew looked around. “You’re right. There’s nothing here.”

  Fox smiled. “There is now. Come on.”

  They got out of the car, into the pitch darkness, and Fox led the way into the field. About a hundred yards away from where he’d parked the car, he came to a stop.

  “Are we there yet?” Drew asked teasingly.

  “As a matter of fact, we are,” he said. “Look up.”

  They both craned their necks upward, and just as they had the night Fox stood here alone and wondered how much worse his life could get, the stars shone down in their millions above and all around them.

  “Oh my God,” Drew said softly. “This is it. This is exactly it.”

  “What?” Fox asked. “What is it?”

  Drew’s eyes remained lifted heavenward. “This is what it feels like. Meeting you, having my entire life turned upside down by you, then finally… this.” He reached out for Fox’s hand, then held it tightly to his chest. “My whole world—the whole universe—suddenly makes sense. It’s all fallen into place because you appeared. For the first time in my life I know I’m in the right place. Out of all of the billions of planets orbiting billions of stars, I’m standing on the one you’re on. And this is exactly the place I was meant to be.”

  Fox was grateful for the darkness of the night, obscuring as it did the surprised tears that ran down his cheek. “That’s even more beautiful than all of this,” he said, looking from horizon to horizon across the twinkling sky. “I came here after I left your house the night you cooked for me.”

  “I wondered what happened. I woke up and you were gone. My upstairs neighbor saw you leave. She’s the one who convinced me to text you in the morning.”

  “She was probably the one who woke me up, actually. Sounded like she was moving cinder blocks around at three in the morning.”

  “Mrs. Schwartzmann has some issues.”

  “Heavy ones,” Fox added with a laugh. “Anyway, I kind of jolted awake, and after that weird moment when you try to figure out where you are and how you got there, I realized we were lying next to each other. Like, full body contact from head to toe. Your arm was around me, and your breath was making this hot spot on my neck. And I swear I could feel your heart beating—like, in my chest. There were two heartbeats in my chest. It was the closest I’ve ever been to anyone. Ever.”

  “I can see why you’d freak out a little about waking up like that,” Drew said. “It makes sense to me now why you left.”

  “But I didn’t freak out because I was so close to you. I freaked out because it didn’t freak me out to be so close to you. I lay there for a while thinking how warm and peaceful it was to be there with you. And that’s what freaked me out. I didn’t want to get off that couch, and that’s why I had to jump right off that couch. It’s the same reason why I probably seemed like a damn yo-yo the last couple of weeks—every time I felt good about seeing you, panic would set in and I’d pull away. Mixed signals all over the place. But I wasn’t doing it because I didn’t want to be with you. I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I was miserable and alone because I hadn’t allowed myself to even consider the possibility that I could be happy with a guy. But once you came into my life, I couldn’t deny it any longer.”

  “So you’re sure this is where you want to be?” Drew asked. “With me, I mean?”

  “Yes. I’m absolutely certain,” Fox replied. “I wish I could have come to that conclusion sooner. I wish I were more like you—you seem to have sort of taken it in stride.”

  “Honestly, it panicked me a little too, at first. But soon it became clear to me that being confused without you was a whole lot worse than being confused with you, and I realized I should set my doubts aside and see where we’d end up. Then again, I wasn’t laboring under the weight of being an improbably handsome stud. I think that held you back.”

  “You have to stop it with the ‘improbably handsome’ thing,” Fox scolded gently.

  “Don’t have to,” Drew replied with a laugh. “I can finally admit that I was only pretending to give you shit about that. Now when I say ‘improbably handsome,’ what I really mean is that it is highly improbable that I could pull a guy as handsome as you, and I’m celebrating my good fortune.”

  “I guess I have to let you keep doing it, then.”

  They shared a laugh, then resumed quietly contemplating the stars.

  “Thank you for bringing me here,” Drew murmured after a few silent moments. “I could stay here all night.”

  Fox was deeply gratified, but he also wanted a little more than stargazing tonight. “As fun as that sounds, there’s some other stuff I’d like to do tonight. With you.”

  “To be clear, we’re talking about naked stuff right now, aren’t we?”

  “Indeed we are.”

  Drew looked across the dark field toward the road. “Can you do the beepy-flashy thing with your car alarm? We gotta go.”

  “I’m right behind you,” Fox said.

  Chapter NINETEEN

  FOX’S STOMACH was doing flips as he drove back from the field of stars. But Drew held his hand the entire way, and that settled him a bit. Funny, he reflected, how excitement and terror have the same effect in one’s guts—a visceral thrill indeed.

  He pulled into his parking spot, keenly aware that what they were doing now he had never imagined doing with any man in the world. He had brought dozens of women here over the years, and yet this person, this Drew who came from nowhere to remake his life into something he could not recognize, was the one who fulfilled the promise of all those wasted nights.

  They walked together to the elevator, exchanging smiles and looks that communicated only the smallest part of what they were feeling. Fox knew his emotions to be in utter disarray, yet the flutter of anticipation he felt every time he looked across the elevator car at Drew was somehow both overwhelming and reassuring. He craved the feeling of free fall toward this new kind of union.

  “I don’t want this to worry you,” Drew said as the elevator climbed through the teens and twenties, “but I’m a little… nervous.”

  Fox smiled broadly. Of course they would be feeling the same thing.

  “I’m terrified,” he said as the elevator began to slow. “I have no idea what we’re about to do.”

  Drew stepped closer to him. “That I’m not nervous about. I know exactly what we’re about to do.”

  “I am greatly relieved to hear that,” Fox replied with a laugh. “It would be embarrassing to have to text Mia for instructions.”

  “Did you see the look on her face when Chad casually mentioned that she watches gay porn? I imagine they’re
having a conversation about the line between public and private right now.”

  The elevator doors slid open.

  “I wonder if Chad’s ever watched with her. It would explain his insistence on hearing certain… details.” He shook his head as he unlocked the door of his condo. “I’m surprised Chad can still surprise me after all these years.”

  They entered the condo, hung their jackets in the closet, and stood a little awkwardly in the entryway.

  “When you said you knew exactly what we’re about to do,” Fox said, trying desperately to sound casual, “what, exactly, did you mean?”

  “I meant,” Drew said, putting his arms around Fox’s waist and pulling him close, “that we are going to do what I don’t think either of us has done in a long time.” He gently kissed Fox on the lips. “Make love.”

  What Drew’s answer lacked in specificity it more than made up for in its effortless faith that love would find a way. Fox knew he was right. He drew strength from Drew’s calm assurance that what they were about to do was going to be the most natural, most effortless thing they’d ever done in their lives. He wished he felt it as serenely as Drew seemed to.

  “Come in,” Fox said, pulling Drew toward the living room. “I’ll pour us a drink.” He settled Drew on the sofa facing the windows and retreated to the kitchen to prepare a couple of tumblers of a fine old Scotch, with a large ice cube each. He brought them into the living room and handed Drew one of the heavy glasses before he sat next to him.

  “To new explorations,” Drew said, holding his glass up.

  “How adventurous,” Fox replied. “Though it sounds uncomfortably like you’re about to go spelunking.”

  Drew laughed. He took a drink, then set his glass down on the coffee table. “I’m getting that you’re kind of apprehensive about tonight,” he said softly. “I understand that completely. You’re the most analytical person I know, and you didn’t get to where you are in life by not knowing where you’re going.”

  Fox smiled, hugely relieved that Drew not only knew exactly what was going on inside him, but why.

  “Me?” Drew continued. “I’m a born academic. Trying new things, then overanalyzing them to death, is my jam. The mental and emotional effort you put in up front is what I do after the fact. Ask anyone who’s ever been to the theater with me how much fun I am the moment the lights come up. I can bore paint off the walls with my Marxist-Freudian-Foucauldian analysis of Harry Potter. It’s my special gift.”

  “I have never once found you boring,” Fox assured him.

  “As much as I appreciate that, we’ve only known each other a month. Give it time.” Drew took another sip of Scotch. “But my point is that I’m happy to talk it all out with you, even if that means all we do tonight is talk. Everything I want in life is right here next to me.”

  “You must really like Scotch,” Fox cracked.

  “Oh I do, make no mistake. But as much as I love it, it can’t love me back. Or kiss me.”

  Fox could, though, and he did. “Thank you,” he said softly, his forehead pressed to Drew’s. “I’ll try not to annoy you with the grinding of my mental gears tonight. We’re kind of on a rocket ship blasting its way out of my comfort zone.”

  Drew looked at him seriously. “Do you still want to go on this ride? You may experience disorientation and physical exhaustion.”

  “There is nowhere I’d rather be than right here with you.”

  “And there is nowhere I’d rather be than in your bedroom.” Drew gave a sly smile.

  Fox threw back the last swallow of Scotch. “Finish your drink, and I’ll be back in a minute.”

  “Need to go powder your nose?”

  “Something like that.”

  Fox was back in the living room five minutes later. “Mr. Larsen, would you like to accompany me?” He held out his hand and gave a formal bow.

  “It would be my pleasure, Mr. Kincade,” Drew replied, getting to his feet.

  Fox led him down the hall toward the bedroom. He opened the door, then stood aside to let Drew precede him.

  “Oh my God,” Drew whispered.

  Fox stepped into the room behind him, and watched as he stood in the middle of the room and turned slowly around. The light from the fifty candles Fox had lit filled the room with a warm glow, bathed in which Drew now stood.

  “This is so beautiful,” Drew said. “You are such a romantic.” He kissed Fox softly. “Any woman you did this for had to be ready to marry you on the spot.”

  “I never did this for any woman,” Fox replied. “You are unique, and I want everything to be new with you.”

  Drew smiled. “I think a lot of stuff is going to be new tonight.”

  Fox took a deep breath. “Let’s get naked.”

  Drew’s eyebrows shot up. “Well, that escalated quickly.”

  “It’s always bugged me the way most women think that getting undressed, especially the first time, needs to be this long, drawn-out thing. If you’re going to end up naked, you might as well get naked, right?”

  “Exactly right. Unless you’re throwing fives and tens, you’re not getting a striptease from me.”

  Fox laughed. “I mean, we’ve been naked together before, and I’m around like twenty naked guys every morning at the gym, and why make a big deal out of it?”

  “So no one pole dances in the locker room at your gym?” Drew asked. “Seems like a pretty boring place.”

  “My gym is this posh place downtown, because that’s where all the vice-presidents and above work out,” Fox explained as he unbuttoned his shirt. “Some of the guys keep in pretty good shape, but a lot of them clearly lift more martinis than weights.”

  “No pole dancing and no eye candy? Why do you even go to this horrible gym?”

  “Because having a membership there is a prerequisite for moving up in the company. A lot of deals get done at the smoothie bar.”

  Drew shook his head. “I have the opposite problem where I work out. It’s mostly undergrads who go lift when they want an excuse not to be doing their homework. So they work out a lot. I feel like an old, flabby man when I’m there.” He set his shirt neatly on the dresser.

  “You are in no way an old, flabby man,” Fox said, looking Drew’s muscled chest up and down. “You put in some work, sir.”

  “Thank you,” Drew said with a nod. “It’s always been my dream to catch the eye of an improbably handsome man.” He laughed while he unzipped his pants.

  Fox tossed his pants toward his closet. He had never tossed his clothing anywhere, ever.

  They stood facing each other in their underwear, lit by flickering candlelight from all corners of the room.

  “So here we are,” Fox said. “About to do… this.”

  Drew smiled. “We don’t have to do anything. Even if Chad and Mia are probably right now tangling their sheets thinking about us going at it like feral Boy Scouts, we don’t owe them anything.”

  “I guess the thing… for me…,” Fox said, awkwardness closing in around him as he tried to put his emotions into words, “is that you’re a guy. I’m a guy. I can objectively appreciate the effort you have put into looking the way you do. But standing here, I can honestly tell you that I’ve never been attracted to a guy’s body before this very moment. Right here, right now, looking at you… well, you’re right. It turns out that I’m a bit disoriented.”

  Drew, because he was Drew, simply smiled. “That’s okay. This is completely new for both of us. But I think I have an idea how to handle it.”

  Warmth that only Drew could bring him surged in Fox’s chest. “I can hardly wait.”

  Drew stepped closer, then put his hand on Fox’s shoulders and gently turned him around. Fox was now facing the full-length mirror he used every morning—and before every date—to make sure he was at the peak of his sartorial game. Right now, though, he was standing in only his boxers. Then, over his shoulder, Drew’s head appeared. His gaze traveled up and down Fox’s reflection, slowly and with evident ple
asure.

  “You are beautiful,” he whispered into Fox’s ear. It sent a shiver down Fox’s spine.

  Then Drew’s hands slipped into view, one over his right shoulder, the other along the ribs on his left side. His touch was so gentle that Fox could hardly feel it at first, the light touch skimming across his skin, leaving goose bumps in its wake. He closed his eyes, taking in the sensation.

  “I know every muscle that lies under the surface,” Drew murmured. “I know how hard you’ve worked to build that strength, how many reps it takes to shape a pectoral like this”—his fingers grazed lightly over Fox’s right nipple—”and how hard it is to cut your lower ab like this.” His fingers traced the V-line to where it disappeared into Fox’s underwear.

  Fox could hardly breathe.

  “You know how I know these things? I know these things because I’m a man.” He kissed Fox softly on the neck while his hands continued to roam across Fox’s body. “Being here with me is completely new, but it’s also the most familiar thing you can imagine. I know your body because I know my own, and what makes you unique I can recognize the way no woman could. This new trail we blaze tonight runs across known territory. What we will experience together we come to as identical counterparts, knowing from the inside out what the other feels. You’ve never been with anyone who already knows this landscape so well, who touches you with the knowledge that comes from being in a body like yours. Let go of the idea that this is something you’ve never done before. It’s ground you’ve traveled your whole life, made new by sharing it, treading it together, arriving as one.”

  Drew pulled Fox into a tight embrace from behind. “Will you come with me on this adventure?”

  “Oh fuck yes,” Fox whispered. He marveled at this sexy academic who had come into his life, speaking about love in fully formed paragraphs. Craning his head around, he kissed Drew over his shoulder before spinning around to grapple him more urgently.

  They kissed for a time, then Drew pulled back. “Ready?”

  “For what?”

  “This,” Drew said. He took Fox’s hand and led him to the bed, where he pulled back the covers and nodded for him to get in.