To Be or Not To Be

by Ryan North

  You agree to stick around in Denmark for a while, they leave, and you’re suddenly alone. Woo! You’re finally alone, Hamlet! What are you going to do?

  ☠ Talk to yourself about how your life is in ruins and how everything just suuuuucks ☠

  » Stand around quietly until something happens «

  * * *

  * * *

  Okay. You talk out loud to the empty room and what do you say? I’ll tell you what you say: you say you wish your skin could literally melt off your body, revealing a skeleton that gives a double thumbs-down before crumbling into dust. You say that you thought your mom really loved your dad, but now that she’s married Claudius less than a month after Dad’s death, either love itself is fake or she was faking love, and either way it doesn’t matter because you’ve lost faith in your own mother. You say to the empty room, in all seriousness, that you want to kill yourself.

  Whoah. Bro. This book just got REAL.

  » Kill yourself «

  ☠ Don’t kill yourself ☠

  * * *

  * * *

  While you’re busy doing that, your friend Horatio bumps into you and tells you:

  a) he’s in town for your dad’s funeral / mom’s wedding, and they served leftover appetizers from one at the other,

  b) ghosts are real,

  c) he’s seen one and so have a bunch of other guys,

  d) it keeps showing up at the same time,

  e) he’s pretty sure it’s the ghost of your dad, and

  f) what the heck, are you killing yourself right now as I’m speaking?? You are, aren’t you? What the heck, bro??

  You are now a ghost.

  » Haunt Horatio «

  » See if you can find your Ghost Dad «

  * * *

  * * *

  You make a break for it, screaming like a little baby, and Horatio does the same.

  “Holy cow holy cow HOLY COW,” you say, jumping over a boulder and hiding behind it.

  “Man, that was INTENSE,” Horatio says, a hand on his chest.

  You both sit for a moment, each trying to catch your breath.

  “Hey, let’s go back and see if he’s still there!” Horatio says.

  » Go back and check out the ghost again «

  * * *

  * * *

  You make a break for it, but trip over Horatio, who is also making a break for it in the opposite direction. You collide into each other and fall, hitting your head on a rock for good measure.

  “Is this funny?” you hear the ghost say as you fade from consciousness. “I don’t know if this is supposed to be funny.”

  You come to months later. Not much has changed: your mom is still married to your uncle, and Horatio tells you the ghost kept coming by for a while but eventually seemed to lose interest in the whole thing. He asks what you’re going to do now. You’re not sure. The funeral and wedding you came back home for are long over. It’s probably time you get back to the business of living your life. So! What do you want to do with it?

  » Get serious with Ophelia «

  » Go back to school «

  * * *

  * * *

  “Um, just kidding?” you say.

  “Oh phew,” says your Dad. “That’s good. If that had been the case, then I would’ve demanded that you murder Claudius at once. That way he could be a ghost too, and I could sit down with him and ask him why he thought what he did was appropriate, and after hearing his reasons hopefully we could come to some understanding.”

  He sighs, wistfully. “It would be nice to be able to do that now, rather than having to wait until decades from now when he dies of natural causes.”

  “Good news!” you say.

  » Tell Dad they did actually get married «

  * * *

  * * *

  You clear your throat, tilt your head, put on a grin, and give your dad a double thumbs-up.

  “I promise I’ma kill him,” you say.

  Your dad seems satisfied.

  You have begun quest Kill Claudius! It’s worth 3500 experience points! That’s pretty good!

  » Leave it there and return to Horatio «

  * * *

  * * *

  You wait until it’s 2 a.m., planning to sneak into Claudius’s room and give him the ol’ stabby-stab, but on your way there you find him passed out in the hallway. There’s a bottle of booze in his hand! He really is a cartoon drunk!

  This is gonna be real easy!

  You hold your hand over his mouth so he can’t scream and slit his throat and he’s dead within the minute. Ta-da! You leave quietly, making sure not to be seen, and head down to the shore to wash your blood-soaked hands and your blood-soaked clothes. The ocean water cleans off the blood quickly, which is great because you heard it was hard to get out damned blood spots. Turns out, nope, it’s actually really easy! You’re glad you stayed cool and rational and didn’t freak out at all during this process. Good job, champ!

  You walk home in your wet clothes, change into adorable pyjamas, get into bed, and fall asleep. Content in the knowledge that you were right to murder a dude and that you even had supernatural forces on your side, your dreams are generally peaceful. (There’s some sex stuff in there too but whatever man, it happens. Don’t even worry about it. It’s honestly not a big deal.)

  In the morning you act super surprised that Claudius got killed to death (“Whaaaaat?” you say, waving your hands in the air) (come to think of it that was probably a little much but everyone bought it so PHEW) and then later you become king! And check it: your economic policies are both wise and fair, and your country becomes way prosperous! Due to economics not being a zero-sum game, you not only make the lives of your subjects better, but you actually improve the lives of those they trade with too. Hamlet, you’ve literally make the world a better place. NICE.

  And all you had to do was kill a human being!

  THE END

  P.S. Oh, I meant to mention it sooner, but one day you step on a butterfly that has the cascade effect of preventing not one but TWO worldwide wars from occurring, centuries down the line! So, good job all around, I’d say! Keep on killing everyone who interferes with your preferred version of history, I’d say!

  Congratulations! You were really terrific at being Hamlet.

  THE END

  FOR REAL THIS TIME

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  Hugs! Hugs for everyone, all at once. You’re not really the hugging type, and neither are they, but somehow — SOMEHOW — everything clicks. It works. It feels right. As the hug continues, you realize that it feels more than right: it actually feels terrific!

  This, my friend, is a hug for the ages. It lingers for a while longer and when you all exit it, crazy grins on your faces, you feel way better than you did going in.

  Your maximum stamina has been increased by 2 points!

  » Hug them again! More stamina!! «

  » Ask them how they’ve been «

  * * *

  * * *

  This time it’s just weird and uncomfortable. There’s no other way to put it: it’s...well, it’s awful.

  Your charisma has been reduced by 3 points.

  » Ah well, easy come, easy go. Ask Rosencrantz and Guildenstern how they’ve been. «

  * * *

  * * *

  Okay.

  You get mad at yourself for being such a screw-up, then you go back to bed, then you nap.

  A good night’s sleep and the quiet morning light help you reflect and take stock of things a bit better. You didn’t do what you wanted to do yesterday, true, but really all that means is you failed to commit the act of murder. Against your stepfather. Who’s actually doing a pretty alright job of running the country.

  Maybe you could gather evidence of his crime and present it to the court, should you, you know, actually find evidence stronger than the hearsay of a ghost you met once. “A ghost I met once,” you think. Man, you do sound
crazy. This whole thing is crazy.

  You decide to go back to school, focus on learning more, and try to put this whole thing behind you. You never find any evidence that your father died of anything other than a heart attack. You get on with your life. And it actually ends up being generally okay.

  And guess what? All’s generally okay that ends generally okay!

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  You reach the room almost entirely out of breath. You try to speak, but all that comes out is moist, wheezy panting.

  “Oh, hey Hamlet,” says Claudius, closing the book he was just reading. Your mom’s here too, as are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and — well, basically the whole court, actually. It appears they’ve all gathered to watch Claudius read Christina’s latest reader-choice adventure, As You Choose It, subtitled You Are Rosalind and Must Decide Who You Want to Marry, There’s a Court Jester But Let’s Not Be Hasty, You Could Also Just Totally Make Out with Your Cousin Celia Instead. It appears you’ve missed the entire show.

  “Um, you wanna read this book now instead?” you say, offering up your signed Gonzago book.

  “No, I’m good,” says Claudius. “In fact, I think I’m done reading books for a very, very, very long time.”

  Oh snap! Your whole plan is ruined!!

  » Get mad at yourself, but channel that emotion somewhere productive, like into killing Claudius like you told a ghost you would! «

  » Get mad at yourself for being such a screw-up, go back to bed, nap «

  * * *

  * * *

  First thing in the morning, you show up to the royal court. You look out at the assembled courtiers and see that everyone’s here: your mom and stepdad, Polonius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, a bunch of people you’ve never met, Ophelia — the whole gang! You’re still looking around when Horatio comes up behind you and slaps you on the back, in an expertly executed manoeuvre.

  “Brotimes!” he says. “How’s it going, brotimes?”

  “Good,” you say. “Listen, can you do me a favour?” You explain that you’re going to be watching Claudius closely, but ask if maybe he could keep an eye on him too as he reads. “You’re, um, really good at stuff,” you say, wishing that there was somehow a better way to put that.

  He agrees that he’s pretty great at stuff and consents to do some of that watching stuff for you. Alright. There’s nothing left to do, Hamlet! It’s go time!

  “Hey Claudius!” you say, brandishing your signed copy of Gonzago. “Why don’t you read THIS book today?”

  “I certainly don’t see why not,” he says, and you pass him the book. Now all that’s left is to decide where to sit!

  ☠ Sit at Ophelia’s feet, ask to lay in her lap (in the sexy sense), and remind her that she has genitals ☠

  » Stand behind the king so you can see what choices he makes as he reads and thereby figure out if he’s guilty or not «

  * * *

  * * *

  You pull Ophelia into a Privacy Closet and tell her about your suspicions and your plan to reveal Claudius as a murderer, and while she’s not super enthused about it, it turns out that yes, she has some questions about this whole thing she’d like answered too, and this plan could help with that! She says she’ll watch Claudius with you as he reads the book.

  She’s in! And you’re working on a project together, which is great. You’ve missed this. You’ve missed Ophelia. You tell her that.

  “I know we’ve both been busy with personal projects lately,” she says, “and I’m sorry. I should’ve brought you into my investigation sooner rather than ignoring you. I get so wrapped up in things sometimes.”

  “It’s okay, it’s okay,” you say, “I did the exact same thing. I really had no idea you were also looking into Claudius! But we’ll figure this out together.” You look at her for a long moment.

  “We’re cool, right Ophelia? I mean, like, our relationship?”

  “We’re cool,” she says, and you kiss. Nice.

  The next morning, you both wake up early to show Claudius the book.

  » Show Claudius the book «

  * * *

  * * *

  GOOD POINT.

  You sneak up behind him, sword raised. Just before you bring your sword down through the top of his skull, you have time for the perfect one-liner. And here’s what you say!

  -----------------------------------------------

  (Write your one-liner here for future reference.)

  If you get stuck, feel free to choose from the following suggestions:

  “You shouldn’t go around killing dads, especially if their kids are willing to kill for revenge. Hey, here’s another free TIP.” (Then send the tip of your sword into his head.)

  “I got you this for Father’s Day, I hope you don’t MIND.” (Then stab him in the mind / brain.)

  “Looks like you’re about to take a POMMELING.” (The pommel is the counterweight in the hilt of an European sword; it sounds like “pummel,” which means beating someone up with your fists, so it doesn’t work super well, but it would work okay if you hit Claudius with your sword instead of stabbing him with it, but it’s too late for that now.)

  The sword goes right through his head and it’s super gross. His eyes pop out and roll under the pew. Oh gosh, it just got grosser!!

  Congratulations! You have beaten this book, and also murdered an alive person.

  Your final score is, oh, let’s say...423 out of 1000.

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  OH CRAP!!

  YOU FORGOT TO TELL OPHELIA ABOUT HER DAD.

  ☠ Well, I can’t get off this party boat now ☠

  * * *

  * * *

  Even if you broke up recently, you should at least console Ophelia over her loss! Especially since you were kinda involved in his accidental death. But instead you’re running away and partying on a boat??

  I’m calling it: YOU ARE THE WORST BOYFRIEND AND/OR EX-BOYFRIEND EVER.

  But you’re on this boat and it’s set sail for England, so there’s not much you can do.

  ☠ Try to party as best you can, given the circumstances ☠

  * * *

  * * *

  Partying on a boat is great, but it doesn’t last forever! After several hours, the party winds down for the first night. You and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern stumble off to your quarters, three awesome dudes in one awesome room. One awesome...PARTY ROOM??

  The next day, you wake up, still feeling the effects of the previous night’s partying. You put on your shirt but it feels different — turns out it’s Rosencrantz’s shirt! Wow. As you pull it off, a letter falls out of the pocket. Rosencrantz wakes up, teases you for wearing his clothes, and then notices the letter.

  “Hey Hamlet, you dropped something,” he says.

  “No man,” you say, “it’s your letter. This is your shirt.” You pass him the garment. He has the shirt.

  “It’s not MY letter, bro,” he says, pulling it over his head. “Someone must’ve slipped it to me sometime yesterday. What’s it say?”

  Flipping it over, you notice it’s got a royal seal on the back.

  “It’s from King Claudius!” you say.

  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern say the following:

  “Whaaaaaaaaaat??”

  » Open the letter «

  » Don’t open it: it’s got an OFFICIAL SEAL «

  * * *

  * * *

  I’m — not sure what you’re expecting to happen here?

  You argue with them to abandon ship, they tell you to help them pick up the lanterns, eventually you all explode! To make it worthwhile, I’ll describe your last moment in rhyme.

  “Flame makes contact with the trail of gunpowder / Turning you all into chunky clam chowder.”

  It’s ironic that someone who’s been so indecisive up till now dies because he can’t undec
ide to abandon ship, huh? “Irony.” Write that down.

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «