To Be or Not To Be
Page 22
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Nobody...nobody really accused you of anything? But you decide that a preemptive denial is the best approach to any possible accusation, so out of nowhere you stand up and shout, “I’M NOT A MURDERER!!”
Everyone in the crowd is looking at you in shock — except for Ophelia, who instead has the look of someone whose long-held suspicion was just confirmed by a crazy, unprompted denial! It’s a subtle facial expression but I’d recognize it anywhere, so that’s why I’m telling you about it. It’s there, dude.
Continuing with your ridiculous plan, you turn around and throw the book as hard as you can at Hamlet’s head. It bonks him pretty hard I guess, but you catch him with the flat side instead of the corner, so it’s not actually that painful.
“Hey!” says Hamlet. “Hey, ouch! Why are you doing this? Is it because you did in fact literally murder a person, and that person was my father and YOUR VERY OWN BROTHER?”
You spin around and face the crowd again, motioning for everyone to calm down. “Guys, no, you don’t understand. I’m saying I did NOT kill my brother, and as such, any future accusations anyone may make to that effect are groundless,” you say.
“So uh...nobody make those,” you say.
This isn’t working, Claudius! The crowd’s suspicion level has risen to 98%.
You decide to make a break for it and tear out of the room, leaving a very suspicious Hamlet, Ophelia, and the entire royal court behind you. Today’s not going very well for you, huh? You run all the way to your bedroom in tears, because you are an adult king of an entire country.
Well, Claudius, there’s no two ways about it: you globbed up big back there. I think you’d better be Ophelia for a while, huh? You were honestly doing way better as her.
» Be Ophelia «
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* * *
You are now Ophelia!
You and Hamlet now know that Claudius is guilty, and though it took you a bit to figure it out, I guess Step Two is to murderize him, huh?
You know that if you leave Hamlet alone he’s going to try to kill Claudius, and you love your prince, but MAN that guy can take awhile to get things done. There’ll be side projects he’ll get enthusiastic about and then abandon, and suddenly he’ll act like the only way to kill Claudius is to go on a boat ride to England with his pals. It’ll go better if both you and Hamlet try to take down Claudius together!
You tell Hamlet you need to speak to him privately, he makes his excuses, and before long you’re both back in your bedroom / laboratory / place where do your best thinkin’.
“Hamlet,” you say, locking the door behind you. “We’re going to commit murder.”
“I guess,” he says, shuffling his feet.
“No,” you say, locking eyes with him. “We two, you and I, are going to commit murder. And we are going to get away with it. And you know why we’re going to get away with murder?”
“Why?” he says.
“Because we are going to be incredibly good at it,” you say.
Hamlet looks at you for a moment, unconvinced. “But how do you know that’s true?” he says.
“Easy,” you say. There’s a knife lying on your workbench, and you bring your fist down on its handle. It flies into the air, twirling wildly. You catch it like it’s no big deal and point the tip directly at Hamlet’s chest.
Whoah! That was really badass, Ophelia!
“We are going to be incredibly good at murder,” you say, “because we are going to TRAIN, we are going to STUDY, and we are going to NAIL IT.”
Hamlet looks at you.
“I don’t wanna study,” he says.
» Be Hamlet, become convinced by Ophelia’s plan, then be Ophelia again and put the plan in motion «
» Try to convince him just by talking to him «
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Wow, now you’re catching on!
Okay, you’re Hamlet! And you decide, as Hamlet, that Ophelia is making a lot of sense. I mean, it is a little weird that she’s suddenly so into murdering people, and isn’t it also kinda weird how you’re going to kill a dude because your Ghost Dad asked you to, even though this ghost can interact with the physical realm and if he can do that, why doesn’t he just kill him himself? Wait — this plan doesn’t really make a lot of sense, does it? This is crazy! This whole plan is crazy!!
Hamlet kicks you out, and you are now Ophelia again.
Hamlet says, “Hey Ophelia, um, I’m not sure we should be killing Claudius after all. Maybe my dad can just do it himself.”
“I thought you were down with this revenge thing!” you ask. “Don’t you want revenge?”
“Well, um, that’s the thing,” he says. “Revenge is great and all but I get the impression that maybe there are more productive things for me to be consumed by —” and now you are Hamlet again and you finish his sentence with “— but actually, now that I think about it, hah hah, let’s stab that jerk in the brains!” and now you’re back to being Ophelia again, and I honestly think you’re abusing your reader privileges here, so let’s be Ophelia from now on, okay? Besides, you’ve got Hamlet pretty well set up for a while. He is down to murder a dude.
» Hit the books «
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You pass Hamlet some books off your shelf. One is a book on poisons. The other is a book on sneaking around. “Here, read these,” you say. “At the end, you should be good at poisons and sneaking around.”
“Got it,” Hamlet says.
“In the meantime, I’m going to read these books on how to stab people and how to get away with things. At the end, I should be good at getting away with stabbing people.”
“Nice,” Hamlet says.
“Then we’ll switch!” you say.
“Super rad!” Hamlet says!
» Training montage!! «
» Don’t bother with a montage, just skip to several weeks later when I’m fully trained «
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It’s a new day, and you and Hamlet wake up in bed together, surrounded by the stacks of books you’ve been reading. And as of this morning, you’ve read and mastered every single one of them. It’s a beautiful day, Ophelia. It’s the kind of day that makes you think, “Man, I bet I could totally murder a head of state by noon.”
You prop yourself up and face Hamlet. “We’ll start by following Claudius, learning his routine. We’ll be in full stealth mode the entire time, so nobody should detect us,” you say.
“We have gotten way good at sneaking,” Hamlet agrees.
“We’ll do three separate missions, each with idiosyncratic naming,” you say. “On Secret Mission Act 3 Scene 3, we tail Claudius for a while. During Secret Mission Act 3 Scene 4, we stake out Gertrude; maybe she knows something. And in Secret Mission Act 4 Scene 2, we tail your friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, in case they have any information.”
“I like it,” Hamlet says. “Nobody has seen us for weeks, so they won’t even be looking for us. It’s perfect.”
“That’s kinda the reason I made this plan be so awesome!” you say. You roll on top of Hamlet and kiss him, holding his face in your hands while he holds yours in his. It’s nice. Eventually you pull back from the smooch.
“Let’s do this!” you say in unison.
You both have morning breath, but that’s neither here nor there.
» Act 3 Scene 3 «
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You and Hamlet are pressed invisibly up against the wall of the royal church, your clothes and ninja hoods blending in with the stone and mortar perfectly.
Claudius is here, talking to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and he’s speechifying. He’s got one hand out in front of him, holding it in the air. It looks pretty dramatic!
“I like him not,” Claudius says, “nor stands it safe with us to let his madness range. Therefore prepare you. I your commission will forthwith dispatch, and he to England shall along wi
th you.”
“Dude, nobody’s seen Hamlet for days,” Rosencrantz replies.
“Yeah, we can’t take him to England because not a single bro knows where he is,” says Guildenstern.
Claudius lowers his arm.
“Well, poops,” Claudius says, and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern look at each other and it’s awkward and then they leave.
Polonius comes in and offers to spy on Hamlet by hiding in Gertrude’s room, just in case Hamlet happens to show up. It is a weird, pervy plan, but Claudius agrees to it, and then Polonius gets really excited and runs out of the room.
Finally alone, Claudius again raises one arm out in front of him as he says, “O, my offense is rank, it smells to heaven; it hath the primal eldest curse upon’t, a brother’s murder.” You and Hamlet exchange a glance. Dude is not only guilty, he confessed his guilt to an empty room. Wow. And Claudius is STILL confessing his crime for, like, another minute, until he finally bows and prays.
You could kill him now if you want. Or you could let him twist in the wind a little longer.
» Kill Claudius! «
» Let him go, it’s time to engage Operation Act 3 Scene 4 «
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You and Hamlet exit the room with perfect stealth, leaving Claudius alone. You sneak your way into Gertrude’s room, again undetectably. You and Hamlet hang upside down from the ceiling, right above Gertrude’s bed.
“He’ll come,” Polonius is telling Gertrude. “Tell Hamlet he’s been crazy, okay? And ask him where he’s been these past few weeks.”
“Okay, okay, fine,” Gertrude says. “Go hide. I don’t want him to see you here with me.”
Polonius goes and hides behind a curtain. You can see his feet sticking out the bottom. Geez. Come on, Polonius.
For a long while, nobody speaks. Gertrude picks up a book and lies on her bed, reading. You hear Polonius shuffle a bit, then fall silent. Gertrude turns the page and coughs, and Polonius peeks out from behind the curtain.
“Not here yet, huh?” he whispers.
“Nope,” Gertrude says, without looking up. Polonius installs himself behind the curtain again, and you feel Hamlet tap you on your shoulder. Using the secret tap-based language you learned, Hamlet says, “I DON’T THINK THESE TWO KNOW ANYTHING.” You reply, “I KINDA WANT TO SEE HOW LONG HE’LL KEEP HIDING BEHIND THE CURTAIN.” Hamlet replies, “WE’RE LEAVING IN AN HOUR,” and you tap back, “FINE.”
One hour later Polonius is sitting against the wall, sleeping, his body making a very obvious bulge in the otherwise flowing shape of the curtain. Gertrude’s taking a nap too.
“WOW, I GUESS REALLY NOT MUCH HAPPENS WHEN I’M NOT AROUND,” Hamlet taps, “WHICH SOMEHOW I FEEL ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE?” The two of you sneak out of the room. Nobody notices! You’re such awesome spies now!
» We have enough intel. Kill Claudius! «
» Proceed with the next part of the plan, Secret Mission Act 4 Scene 2! «
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You and Hamlet locate and then follow Rosencrantz and Guildenstern from a distance, never letting them get out of sight or earshot. Eventually they go into a seldom-used castle room. You and Hamlet sneak your way inside.
“But soft, what noise?” says Rosencrantz, and you and Hamlet exchange a glance. They couldn’t have heard anything. You’re too good.
Guildenstern replies, “What have you done, my lord, with the dead body?” and you and Hamlet both relax. Whatever they heard, it wasn’t you.
“Compounded it with dust, whereto ’tis kin,” answers Rosencrantz. Guildenstern replies, “Tell us where ’tis, that we may take it thence and bear it to the chapel.”
You tap out a message to Hamlet. “WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?”
“NO IDEA,” Hamlet replies. “THIS IS TURBOWEIRD.”
“The body is with the King, but the King is not with the body,” Rosencrantz says. He pauses, and then says, “The King is a...thing...”
Guildenstern notices Rosencrantz’s hesitation and winces. Then he says, “Dude! The line is ‘The body is with the King, but the King is not with the body. The King is a head of state, not an undertaker, duh!’”
“Aw frig, right,” says Rosencrantz, relaxing. “Okay, from the top!” He takes a few steps backwards, pauses for a second, then says, “But soft, what noise?”
“THEY ARE REHEARSING A PLAY,” taps Hamlet. “HAH HAH, WOW, WHAT ARE THE ODDS.”
“THAT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T KILLED ANYONE YET,” you reply. “IT MUST BE ENTIRELY UNRELATED TO US AND OUR SWEET QUEST, AND AS SUCH, WE CAN LEAVE NOW.”
“YES,” taps out Hamlet. “ACT 4 SCENE 2 IS OVER. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.”
You are torn between doing more reconnaissance and just up and killing Claudius now! I feel like you’ve probably had the skills to kill a single dude for weeks!
» Do more reconnaissance! Follow Horatio in a plan that you will call...Act 4 Scene 5. «
» Go kill Claudius «
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You decide to follow Horatio for a bit to see if he knows anything useful. You and Hamlet follow him as he goes through his day, and he doesn’t suspect a thing. It’s actually kinda thrilling, to be moving unseen among all these people, to know things nobody suspects you know. You could get used to this!
Eventually, Horatio meets up with Gertrude and some other guy in a nondescript room, but all that happens is the guy says, “Ophelia is gone,” and Gertrude says, “Why would she leave?” and the dude shrugs and walks away. Gertrude looks at Horatio and Horatio at her and they stare at each other in silence for a long while, until Claudius enters and says, “How do you do, pretty lady?” and Gertrude says, “Fine thanks,” and then it’s Gertrude and Claudius and Horatio ALL just hanging out and staring at each other in silence.
You tap out a message to Hamlet: “PEOPLE ARE WEIRD WHEN WE’RE NOT AROUND.” Hamlet taps back, “YA SERIOUSLY WTF.”
A few minutes pass, and then Horatio leaves without saying anything. Eventually there’s a noise down the hall and Gertrude says, “Alack, what noise is this?” as a messenger enters the room saying, “Young Laertes, in a normal mood, enters.” Laertes ducks his head in the room and says, “Hey, have you seen my dad?” and Gertrude says, “Last I saw him he’d fallen asleep behind the curtain in my bedroom,” and Laertes says, “Cool, thanks,” and he leaves, taking his messenger with him.
And then more awkward, motionless silence.
“UM ARE WE THE ONLY TWO INTERESTING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD?” you tap out to Hamlet.
“DUUUUUDE WE NEED TO FIND SOME RADDER PEOPLE TO SPY ON,” Hamlet replies.
After another interminable silence between Gertrude and Claudius, Claudius finally says, “Well, I’m out. You coming?” and they both leave the room. You and Hamlet step away from the walls, making yourself visible for the first time in hours.
“This is boring and stupid. Let’s go kill Claudius,” he says.
“Um, yeah, totes,” you say.
» Go kill Claudius «
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You open the door for your brother.
“You can come in,” you say, “but I don’t want to hear any opinions about my personal li—”
“If you sleep with Hamlet you’re a slut,” he says.
» Slam the door in his face «
☠ Invite him to enter your room ☠
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*BAM*
That felt good.
Laertes shouts through the door that he’s sorry and just wanted to say goodbye before he left for France, but when you open the door a crack, he sticks his head in and says, “I’m just saying: have sex with him and you’re damaged goods.”
You slam the door in his face again, barely missing his nose. You shout through the door that if you’re damaged goods, he’s an entire shelf of unsellable eggs that went off weeks ago, and also as your brother, he’s got an entirely unhealthy inte
rest in your sex life.
“Nuh-uh! You’re unhealthy!!” Laertes shouts in return, and then you hear him stomp away down the hall. What a jerk! And his retorts don’t even make sense.
» Return to desk «
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You ask him what’s wrong, and...well, there’s no other way to put this, so I’ll give it to you straight: Hamlet tells you about a spooky ghost and a plan for murdering his stepfather, Claudius, pretender to the throne.
I’ll be frank: it sounds crazy. A ghost? MURDER? But he is your friend and lover and you’re not going to leave him hanging out to dry. As gently as you can, you tell him you’re pretty sure ghosts don’t exist, but even if they do, he needs to be certain that the ghost he saw was actually the ghost of his father. What if it was some other ghost trying to mess things up?
That seems to give him pause. Hamlet admits he never actually asked the ghost for information only his dad would know. It’s possible the ghost could be an impostor.