To Be or Not To Be

by Ryan North

  “I’ll come with you tonight, sweetie,” you say. “We’ll go together. And if a ghost shows up, we’ll figure out what to do.”

  You’re confident no ghost will appear and that this will all just go away. You take his hand and squeeze. Hamlet looks up at you, and you can see his relief.

  “Okay,” he says, smiling.

  » Go to see the ghost that evening «

  * * *

  * * *

  “Case closed!” says Hamlet, closing the book with a flourish.

  “Hamlet,” you say, “I love you, but that is a book that sucks, which is slang I’m inventing right now to mean ‘is not a good thing.’ It really took you a week to write that?”

  “Ophelia,” Hamlet replies, “let’s take a moment right now to remember that writing is hard.”

  You stare at each other during that moment.

  “Anyway,” Hamlet says, “if you don’t like my book, check out this other book I found. It’s way better than my book and we can just plagiarize it.”

  » Look book «

  * * *

  * * *

  You take the book from Hamlet and read the cover out loud:

  “The Murder of Gonzago: A ‘The Adventure Is Being Chosen by You’ Story! Can You Murder Your Brother Gonzago and Then, Playing as Your Dead Brother’s Son, Murder Your Usurping Uncle? I Sure Hope So; Choose From Over 300 Different Possible Endings.”

  “That’s quite the title,” you say.

  “Yeah, they used really small type,” Hamlet says.

  Flipping through the book, you see that it might actually be a really good fit for your purposes! “Hamlet, why do we need to plagiarize this?” you ask. “Can’t we just give the king this copy to read?”

  “Oh, yeah,” says Hamlet. “I guess we don’t really have to plagiarize it. But I mean, we still could though.”

  “Why...why would we want to do that?” you ask.

  Hamlet stares at you, then seems to reach a decision.

  “FINE,” he says. Taking the book from you, he opens it up to the front page and rubs out the words “BY ME, HAMLET” as well as the line he’d drawn through the actual author’s name.

  “What about the cover? You didn’t change the name back on the cover,” you say.

  “Dust jacket,” Hamlet says, throwing a crumpled-up piece of paper into the garbage.

  “Ah,” you say.

  Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s get the king to read this book! Claudius holds court each morning and they’re always looking for new sources of entertainment. Let’s do this!

  » Wait till tomorrow, and give the king the book «

  * * *

  * * *

  “Sweetie, didn’t you already agree to revenge your father’s death on the current king?” you ask.

  “Yeah,” he says, “but the closer I get to it, the more I get to thinking — maybe it doesn’t make sense to kill him? I mean we’ve got a legal system —”

  “A legal system that will never believe you talked to a ghost,” you interrupt.

  “Sure,” he says, “but that’s not necessary. We don’t need to bring that into it. We simply work from within the system to bring him down and bring him to justice. And is capital punishment really the best solution anyway? It’s obviously not an effective deterrent.”

  Hamlet seems to come to an epiphany.

  “I think the reason I’ve been so ineffective at killing Claudius is that I honestly don’t believe it’s the correct course of action!” he says. “That explains all my actions thus far! Man, I could write a whole ESSAY arguing this!”

  Talking’s not making much progress here, Ophelia!

  » Be Hamlet, become convinced by Ophelia’s plan, then be Ophelia again and put the plan in motion «

  * * *

  * * *

  You, reading a book by candlelight, flipping to one page, furrowing your brow, and flipping back.

  Hamlet in a lab with a textbook in a recipe stand, pouring a small amount of liquid into a flask, turning the flask’s transparent contents a dark, rich purple. The purple liquid exploding, leaving Hamlet blinking and covered in soot.

  The pages of a page-a-day calendar, tearing themselves off and fluttering to the ground.

  You sneaking around a building at night, stopping to read your book by candlelight, then slapping your forehead and extinguishing the candle.

  You sneaking past the armed sentry of Marcellus, Bernardo, and Francisco who never notice a thing.

  Hamlet holding a knife in his fist, you touching him gently on the arm, showing him how to let the blade rest in his hand, lightly, gently.

  The face of a clock, its hands spinning rapidly.

  You and Hamlet in an argument, Hamlet gesturing towards a fresh cut in his coat, you holding scissors in one hand and your How to Get Away with Stuff book in the other. You answering his accusations by reading lines from your book, and Hamlet’s body language softening until he’s holding up the torn fabric, shrugging, smiling. You holding up the book so he can see. The two of you bursting into amazed laughter.

  You and Hamlet surreptitiously adding bright green liquid into each other’s drink, then passing the mug to each other. The two of you about to drink, then sniffing the drink experimentally, laughing, playfully punching the other, then pouring the mugs out onto the grass. The grass withering and dying instantly.

  This image fading into a shot of you and Hamlet, asleep in bed late at night, smiles on your faces and giant stacks of books on each side of your bed.

  Congratulations! You have both fully levelled up your skills in sneaking, poisons, stabbing, and getting away with things!!

  » Proceed with maxed-out skills! «

  * * *

  * * *

  You sneak up behind Claudius as he’s praying and are about to snap his neck when Hamlet puts his hand in yours and uses secret awesome spy code to quickly tap out a message: “NO, I’LL DO IT. AND SO HE GOES TO HEAVEN, AND SO AM I REVENGED. THAT WOULD BE SCANNED: A VILLAIN KILLS MY FATHER, AND FOR THAT, I, HIS SOLE SON, DO THIS SAME VILLAIN SEND TO HEAVEN.”

  “OKAY COOL,” you tap in reply.

  Hamlet draws his sword and, with one massive blow, cleaves the top of Claudius’s head, including most of his brain, from the remainder of his body.

  Using your Getting Away With Things skill, you put the sword in Claudius’s hand, and the two of you confidently walk out of the chapel. “Oh no!” you shout to some passers-by. “I think Claudius just committed suicide in there! Wow, it really looks like he meant it!!”

  You get away with it due to your insanely overloaded Getting Away With It stat, and when Hamlet becomes king of Denmark, you become queen. And under your enlightened leadership, every single citizen of Denmark becomes a philosopher scientist karate inventor with a really satisfying personal life.

  THE END

  P.S. Claudius comes back as a ghost, but he’s missing a lot of his brains so it’s more pathetic than scary.

  P.P.S. It is kinda really awful though.

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  You eventually find Claudius in a room with Gertrude, and they’re just staring at each other and saying nothing. It’s — pretty weird? You and Hamlet step forward. “Hi Mom,” he says. “Listen, come with me for a bit, will you?”

  “Hamlet?” she says, shocked. “Ophelia? What are you doing here?”

  “Nevermind that now,” Hamlet says, taking her by the wrist and leading her out of the room. “Let’s go over here for a bit, okay?”

  Claudius moves to leave as well, but you hold on to his arm. “Not so fast, Claudius,” you say. “We spent the last few weeks getting really, really good at all the skills needed to kill you.”

  “Aw nuts,” he says.

  Anyway, I don’t want to get too gory but you kill Claudius with a mace and two knives and a vegetable peeler! Plus you completed the murder alone, so you got all the experience points for yourself. Nice! You then rej
oin Hamlet and his mother where you have a very nice picnic down by the river before she even finds out about the murder. It is delightful but also really weird of you to arrange. I don’t know. Then I skip ahead in the story some and you and Hamlet become queen and king and have three awesome children, each radder than the last when arranged in order of increasing radditude! Yay!

  Oh man, you just read a book that used the word “radditude” sincerely, that’s how awesome you / we are! I award us both, let’s say, 15 litres of points!

  THE END

  P.S. Claudius doesn’t come back as a ghost to bother you, which is terrific, because he’s kind of a jerk in any state of being, and I kinda feel bad for him, who wants to be friends with a jerk, not me that’s for sure.

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  You and Hamlet leave the room, but Claudius is nowhere to be found. By the time you track him down again, he’s in the royal court talking to Laertes.

  “Okay, so you believe me when I tell you that Ophelia was brainwashed by Hamlet to kill Polonius, right?” Claudius is saying. “And so you are willing to swordfight both of them to the death, right? Ophelia because she killed your father, and Hamlet because he convinced her to do it?”

  “Yes,” says Laertes. “You have told me a very credible story about how that happened. Plus I never really liked my sister and think she’s an inferior person, and not just because she’s a woman!”

  “THAT JERK! POLONIUS IS DEAD??” you tap to Hamlet. He replies, “POSSIBLY? I GUESS CLAUDIUS WANTS TO FRAME US AND GET YOUR BROTHER TO DO MURDERS TO US??”

  “AW MAN, THIS JUST GOT PERSONAL,” you reply. “HELLA PERSONAL...TO THE XTREME.”

  Laertes takes the sword offered to him by Claudius. “Okay, so if they show up, you’ll kill them. And just to make sure, I’ve dipped the blade in poison. Also, I filled this goblet with poison too, so if they comment about being thirsty, be sure to offer them this refreshing beverage.”

  During this speech, you sneak up behind Claudius, and, without being seen, dip your finger into the goblet. You sniff it. Returning to Hamlet, you quickly tap, “IT’S A BASIC HEBENON POISON: SIMILAR TO HENBANE, BUT ACTS MUCH QUICKER.”

  “COOL,” taps Hamlet. “U READY?”

  “Absolutely,” you say out loud, removing your hood and stepping from your camouflage. Claudius and Laertes both spin around, gaping at you, totally shocked.

  “Hey Claudius,” you say. “Thanks for killing both our dads.”

  “Both?” says Laertes, and at this point Hamlet steps forward too.

  “She’s referring to mine, jerk,” he says. Laertes lunges at Hamlet, but you flick your wrist and the next thing Laertes knows your blade is sticking out of his neck. Hamlet glances at you. You bow.

  “He’s all yours,” you say.

  Hamlet advances on Claudius. “You killed my father, you killed my girlfriend’s father, and you married my mom.”

  Claudius takes a step backwards, and you grab his arm to hold him in place.

  “I really don’t think I like you,” Hamlet says.

  Claudius gulps. “Um,” he says, “it was an...accident?”

  “Hah!” Hamlet laughs. “An accident? Here, let me show you an accident.” Hamlet mimes stumbling backwards. He knocks over the table Claudius has put the poison goblet on, which sends the goblet and its contents flying towards Claudius. You grab Claudius by the chin and hold his mouth open so the poison falls in, and then allow the goblet itself to hit him, breaking his nose in two places.

  “That was poisoned,” he gasps, shocked. Hamlet picks up Laertes’ sword and tosses it to you.

  “Why take chances?” you say, stabbing Claudius in the lungs. He dies in incredible pain, and you and Hamlet kiss. “Mission accomplished, sweetie!” Hamlet says.

  “We did it!” you reply.

  You kiss some more, killing some assassins who snuck up behind you while I wasn’t looking without even breaking your smooch. Nice! You’re still making out when the entire royal court walks in the room and sees you there, smooching over Claudius’s dead body. These makeouts over a corpse look PRETTY BAD, but you use your Totally Getting Away With It skills to totally get away with it! You get away with it SO WELL, in fact, that you two lovebirds are proclaimed the new queen and king of Denmark! NICE.

  Congratulations, Queen Ophelia! You have earned 670 ultrapoints, you killed a bad guy, you bettered yourself, you became royalty, AND you learned a lot of really awesome skills!

  In this book, I mean!!

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  O-okay? You let him into your room. He sits down on the bed and pats the empty space beside him.

  You choose to remain standing.

  “Listen,” he says, “I know you like Hamlet, but he’s a prince, so he’s going to have to marry someone of his own rank.”

  “Who said anything about marriage?” you reply. “I’m happy with Hamlet and he’s happy with me. We’re having fun. Nobody’s talking about marriage.”

  “That’s another thing,” he says. “Look, if you have sex before marriage, then you’ll be ruined for other men and nobody will ever want you. He’s only dating you because he wants sex. Don’t sex him because I’m your brother and I’m telling you not to.”

  » Throw him out of your room and slam the door in his face «

  ☠ Sit down beside him, for some reason, and tell him that he makes a lot of sense (somehow?) and you’ll do as he says ☠

  * * *

  * * *

  *BAM*

  That felt great.

  Laertes shouts through the door that he’s sorry and just wanted to say goodbye before he left for France, and Polonius shouts that Hamlet only wants to get his hands on your body. “He wants to sex it,” he shouts.

  You open the door and say, “I appreciate your concern but I can take care of myself,” which is more than they deserve, and you close the door again.

  Through the door you can hear Laertes and Polonius talking.

  “Hey, listen: while you’re in France, give every man thine ear but few thy voice,” Polonius says, then pauses, then says, “That’s some primo advice right there, I gotta say.”

  You roll your eyes and return to your desk.

  » Return to desk «

  * * *

  * * *

  Evening comes, and Hamlet leads you to the spot outside where he first saw the ghost. “We have to wait till around midnight,” he says. “I think that’s when he normally shows up.”

  To pass the time, you play a storytelling game you enjoy, where you say one word of a story and he says the next word, and neither of you knows where the story will go.

  “Once,” you begin.

  “Upon,” he says.

  “A,” you say.

  “Time,” he says.

  “There,” you say.

  “Was,” he says.

  “A,” you say.

  “Beautiful,” he says, looking at you. You smile.

  “Prince,” you reply, and he smiles back.

  “Who,” he says.

  “Wanted,” you say.

  “To,” he says.

  “Kiss,” you say.

  “His girlfriend,” he says.

  “That’s cheating,” you say, and then you’re kissing.

  » Make out for a while «

  » Don’t make out, because, and you can’t believe you’re thinking this, but what if a ghost catches you making out? «

  * * *

  * * *

  You make out for what turns out to be QUITE a while, as the night is warm and the stars are stunning and there are no bugs here to bite any exposed flesh and before you know it, you’ve totally made out as much as it’s possible to totally make out — NICE — and you fall asleep in each other’s arms. If ghosts exist, and if one really did show up, he certainly had the good grace to leave you alone for your makeouts. Also, he was probably embarras
sed: you were both way naked!

  The two of you return the same spot the next evening, and the evenings after that, but it becomes more and more a date night and less and less a “a spectre from beyond the grave wants to get some murders done” thing. King Claudius and Polonius are not exactly thrilled with the two of you being together, but on the flip side, any urges to commit regicide that were floating around have begun to fade too. Though you talk about it often, the whole encounter with the ghost, if it really did happen, takes on the quality of a dream.

  Rather than do the long-distance thing again, you decide to move in together and get your own place here in Denmark. Together, the two of you work on finalizing the invention of the alcohol thermometer (it works!) and even figure out the other half of it: a way to move heated air throughout a building. Congratulations, you invented central heating! It’s an invention that all of Denmark wants, and most are willing to pay for.

  While it’s not the largest, you do live in the most comfortable estate in the entire country — thanks to the heating money. One bright summer day, as the two of you walk through the castle garden, you get down on one knee and say, “Sweetie, you’re the most important person in my life and I can’t imagine ever living without you. I want to make you as happy as you make me every single day. Let’s get married.” You mean every word.