To Be or Not To Be

by Ryan North

  It’s not the most traditional proposal in the world, nor is it the most traditional wedding, but it’s wonderful and beautiful and perfect. You’re very happy. You don’t invite Claudius to the wedding.

  A few years later, Claudius falls ill with some sort of lung disease, and his doctors are unable to treat it effectively. He passes away only a few months later, having never produced an heir. Shortly after, the two of you become the new king and queen of all of Denmark.

  Your first child, Alex, is born five months later, and you all live very happily ever after.

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  Evening comes, and you lead Ophelia to the spot outside where you first saw the ghost. “We have to wait till around midnight,” you say. “I think that’s when he normally shows up.”

  To pass the time, Ophelia suggests you play a storytelling game, where she says one word of a story and you say the next word, and neither of you knows where the story will go.

  “Once,” she begins.

  “Upon,” you say.

  “A,” she says.

  “Time,” you say.

  “There,” she says.

  “Was,” you say.

  “A,” she says.

  “Beautiful,” you say, looking at her. She smiles.

  “Prince,” she replies, and you smile back.

  “Who,” you say.

  “Wanted,” she says.

  “To,” you say.

  “Kiss,” she says.

  “His girlfriend,” you say.

  “That’s cheating,” she says, but you’re already smooching.

  You begin to really get into making out!

  » Make out for a while «

  * * *

  * * *

  “AWESOME,” says Hamlet.

  “We don’t know any writers though,” you say.

  “Not a problem,” replies Hamlet, “for among my princely duties is STUDYING ENGLISH LITERATURE. Also, Danish literature.”

  “I mean, that’s great, but that doesn’t make you a writer,” you say. “Just like being a history major doesn’t make you, I don’t know, Julius Caesar.”

  “Please, Ophelia,” Hamlet says, taking your hand. “Give me a week and you’ll have your book.”

  So, you give him his week. In that week you stay mostly in your room and don’t hear much from Hamlet. King Claudius seems happy that Hamlet has disappeared from view, so not much happens. Oh! You do figure out a way to measure the specific gravity of alcohol while Hamlet’s busy. That’s pretty cool. All it requires is a flask that’s weighed three times: once empty, once full of water, and once full of the liquid you’re measuring, and then you can — but why am I telling you this? You invented the whole technique!

  ANYWAY. A week later, Hamlet runs into your room, clutching a manuscript. “I finished the book!” he says.

  “Excellent! Can I read it?”

  “Let me read it to you! You see, it’s one of those amazing READ WHILE AN ADVENTURE IS CHOSEN novels. You choose what happens to the main character! Choose from over three different outcomes.”

  “Oh no,” you say.

  “Oh yes,” Hamlet says and clears his throat, then holds out one hand in front of him.

  “Murder!” he shouts dramatically. “It is what you committed. Is this true??”

  Hamlet stares at you expectantly.

  “Well, is it?”

  “You want me to choose here?” you ask.

  “Yes please,” Hamlet replies. “Your options are yes or no.”

  » Say yes «

  » Say no «

  * * *

  * * *

  “No,” you say.

  Hamlet raises an eyebrow, then turns to a different page and begins reading.

  “Liar!!” he shouts. “You totally killed your brother by poisoning him in the ear! You should admit it right now.” He then looks at you. You stare back at him, evenly.

  “Your choices are to admit it or not admit it,” he finally says.

  » Admit it «

  » Do not admit it «

  * * *

  * * *

  “No, I do not admit to any murder,” you say. “I continue to not admit to any murders.”

  Hamlet furrows his brow and turns to a different page.

  “Liar!!” he reads. “You totally killed your brother by poisoning him in the ear! We all know it. You should admit it right now. You should definitely do that.” He looks up from the book. You sigh.

  “Your choices are to admit it or not admit it,” he explains. “Listen, I’m just throwing this out here, but maybe you should admit it, okay? It would be super great if you did that.”

  » Admit it «

  » Do not admit it «

  * * *

  * * *

  “I still do not admit to any murder,” you say. “That is to say, my continued non-admittance to murder proceeds relentlessly.”

  Hamlet turns to a different page.

  “Liar!!” he reads. “You totally killed your brother by poisoning him in the ear! You should admit it right now.” He looks at you.

  “Your choices are to —”

  “Hamlet,” you interrupt. “Does this story go anywhere, or do you just accuse the reader of murder for the entire book?”

  “That’s a form of going somewhere,” Hamlet says.

  You sigh and take the book from him. “We need to start over, sweetie,” you say. “We’re not going to trap the conscience of a king with this. We need something more subtle, something with themes that inspire guilt and remorse inside him, planting a seed that’ll eat him up from the inside out —”

  Now Hamlet interrupts you. “Or we could just plagiarize this other book I got,” he says. “I met the author by accident a few days ago and it totally works for our purposes!”

  » Look book «

  * * *

  * * *

  First thing in the morning, you show up to the royal court. Hamlet’s got the book, so all you need to do is observe. You look around the room and see that everyone’s here: the new king, the old queen, your dad, Hamlet’s weird friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Horatio, a bunch of people you’ve never met — the whole gang! You notice Hamlet talking to Horatio. He’s asking him to also keep an eye on Claudius as he reads the story. Couldn’t hurt.

  Alright. There’s nothing left to do. It’s go time! Hopefully Hamlet realizes that too!

  It turns out he does. “Hey Claudius!” Hamlet says, brandishing his copy of Gonzago. “Why don’t you read THIS book today?”

  “I certainly don’t see why not,” Claudius says, and Hamlet passes him the book. Hamlet seems to hesitate on where to go next, but settles on standing behind the king so he can see what he’s reading.

  As Claudius begins to read, you become really intent on what’s happening. In fact, you’re staring at Claudius and listening with such insane intensity that you almost feel like you’ve become the man himself!

  In fact, that’d be fun. You are now Claudius!

  » Be Claudius «

  * * *

  * * *

  You move your king away from the pawn, but I’m sorry, Ophelia, Gertrude wasn’t lying. She takes your pawn, and now it’s just your king against her king and castle. You can’t win.

  So you do the opposite of that: LOSE TERRIBLY.

  It takes Gertrude 10 moves to get everything in place, but she does it while you impotently move your king around. Anyway, look, you just lost a game you had a lot riding on and this is why gambling destroys lives and relationships! Sheesh, gambling, why are you so terrible??

  » Checkmate «

  * * *

  * * *

  Really?

  Really.

  Okay.

  You sit down on the bed and tell him you’ll do as he says, and that you sincerely appreciate his meddling in your personal life, and THEN you go on to say that if you’re going to abstain from sex before
marriage, then he should be careful too, because he sleeps around way more than you do, and it’s going to be one heck of a sexual double standard if you’re “damaged goods” and he’s “totally fine.”

  That’s right. I didn’t even give you a choice about saying that or not, because you keep choosing the stupid options. Guess you’re just gonna have to deal with it, huh?

  In any case, there’s a knock on your door and before you can answer, your father, Polonius, opens the door. “Normally when you knock, you wait for someone to let you in, Dad,” you say.

  “You’re an idiot if you think Hamlet loves you,” he says, then he notices Laertes is in your room too. “Oh, hey Laertes. Have fun on your trip; to thine own self be true.”

  Laertes nods. “I already told her she’s slutty,” he says.

  » Kick them both out and slam the door in their faces «

  ☠ I guess...smile and nod and pat the empty spot on the bed beside you and Laertes, inviting Polonius to sit down too? Because that is something a person would do? ☠

  * * *

  * * *

  *SLAP*

  Holy cow, did that feel good.

  Sometimes, you figure, there is a call for physical violence, and probably now was a pretty good time for it. Your dad touches his face and gets up to leave. In the doorway he says, “Was it something I said?”

  “YEP!” you shout at him.

  He pauses. “Weird,” he says and leaves. Laertes shrugs his shoulders, says “Bye, I guess,” and leaves as well.

  Good riddance. You sit at your desk for a while, calming down and refocusing.

  » Okay, let’s get down to work «

  * * *

  * * *

  You turn your head away after a few smooches.

  “That’s enough,” you say. “We don’t want your dad catching us making out.”

  Hamlet grins and pulls you close to him. “I think he’d be cool with it,” he says. That’s a weird thing to say, but you excuse it because you know people can say some really weird things when they’re way horny. You kiss some more, but finally push him away for real this time.

  “What makes you think he wants to spend the afterlife watching us make out?” you say.

  “Well, it’s what I’d want to do,” he says with a smile. “I mean, if I were me AND I was also the ghost,” he explains. You’re about to reply when you’re interrupted by an awkward cough coming from...above you? Looking up, you see what for all the world looks like Hamlet’s dad, Hamlet Sr., only he’s transparent and floating and you can see through his bod.

  “Hey guys,” the ghost says.

  You’re too shocked to say anything. Ghosts are real, Ophelia! Surprise!

  Hamlet looks up at the ghost and waves.

  “Hi Dad!” he says.

  » Demand the ghost prove that he’s who he claims to be «

  » It doesn’t matter who he is; the real question is if this ghost is so big into murdering dudes, why doesn’t he just murder Claudius himself? Riddle him THAT. «

  * * *

  * * *

  “Excuse me,” you say. The ghost pretends not to hear you. “Excuse me, Mister...Ghost?” you enquire, raising your hand.

  “’Sup,” says the ghost.

  “How do we know you’re really Hamlet Sr.?” you ask.

  “Oh,” says the ghost. “Oh. Um. I guess...ask me some things only Hamlet’s dad would know?”

  You do so (they’re pretty boring questions about family junk, you’re not missing out on anything by me not including them here), and the ghost answers them perfectly. Better still, he answers them as only Hamlet Sr. could answer them, and even makes a reference to a running joke you two had a few months ago. “I can’t gobble this!” says the ghost, and then together the two of you shout, “It’s tooooo spicy!!” and then you’re laughing like what you just said is the funniest thing ever in time.

  I don’t get it. I guess you had to be there?

  Anyway, this is totally the ghost of Hamlet’s dad!! IDENTITY: CONFIRMED.

  » Talk about the murder «

  * * *

  * * *

  “On the other hand,” you say, meeting the gazes of both Hamlet and the ghost, “the greatest proof that immortal ghosts aren’t possible is that we’re not overrun with them right now.”

  The ghost blinks. He hadn’t considered that.

  “You’re the first ghost I’ve seen, Hamlet Sr., and if ghosts lived forever I expect I’d already have been bothered by caveman ghosts long ago, each of them demanding that I go smash in some other caveman’s descendant’s head to make up for when THEY got their head smashed in hundreds of generations before I was even born. Old hatreds lasting forever, ancient slights never forgotten, the embarrassing prejudices of our grandparents multiplied a thousand times...” You trail off, imagining how frustrating it’d be to explain to an angry and confused and immortal pre-linguistic caveman who can walk through walls how to better cope with, say, the pangs of despised love, the law’s delay, the insolence of office, and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes.

  “Right!” says the ghost, considerably cheered. He holds up one finger. “So either immortal ghosts have better things to do with their time, which is good,” he says. He then holds up a second finger. “Or I’m the first immortal ghost, which is good because then they’re really unlikely and we can’t expect that Claudius would be the second one.” He pauses, then holds up a third finger. “OR I’m going to ghost-die some day, which is bad.”

  “Not that bad,” you say. “After all, you’ve died once before and you came through it alright. You can float now.”

  “True,” says the ghost, floating. “Okay. So! Are you guys in or what? Will you murder Claudius and avenge my death??”

  » Tell the ghost you are in «

  » Tell the ghost you are out «

  * * *

  * * *

  Yes! Let’s definitely murder someone!!

  “We’re in,” you say. “Aren’t we, Hamlet?”

  Hamlet nods. “The two of us will avenge you, Father,” he says, solemnly.

  “Neato,” replies the ghost. “Two heads are better than one, right? Okay! Well, I’m gonna go now; be sure to let me know when he’s dead!” His transparent body is turning to leave when you realize something.

  “Wait!” you shout, and the ghost stops.

  “You can become invisible and walk around places, right? Float in the sky whenever you want, all that stuff?”

  “Totes,” says the ghost.

  “Okay, well — can you go do some reconnaissance for us? You know, follow Claudius around, let us know his habits? If we’re going to kill him, it’d help to know where he usually hangs out.”

  “That’s easy: he gets drunk in the same tavern every night,” the ghost says. “Then he goes home and falls asleep.” The ghost looks at you. “If I were you, I’d kill him while he’s drunk and asleep,” he says and disappears.

  You and Hamlet are left staring at each other.

  “Okay. Well. Let’s make a list of all the ways to kill a dude,” you suggest.

  You and Hamlet spend the next few days making up just such a list together, and now it’s done! It’s pretty cool! You should probably look at it!

  » Examine list «

  * * *

  * * *

  WAYS TO MURDER A KING.

  by Ophelia and Hamlet

  - Poison in the Ear (Done before, we know it works.)

  - Stabs (Not always fatal: I saw a dude get stabbed in the leg and then pull out the sword, it was awesome. –Hamlet)

  - Stabs in Eye (Always fatal? Probably???)

  - Suffocation (Easy if Claudius is sleeping, hard if Claudius is awake and not wanting to suffocate, but easy again if Claudius is in space. –O)

  - Drowning (Requires: water.)

  - Explosion (Requires: explosions.)

  - Implosion (Even harder but might be fun?)

  - Bladder Explosion (Requires: water,
no bathrooms, social pressure.)

  - Old Age (Requires: patience, liberal definition of “murder.”)

  - Murder Him but Just Make it Look Like Old Age (Requires: makeup???)

  - Get Him to Read a Book That’s Just Like the Murder He Committed and Then He’ll Get Nervous and Confirm His Guilt and Then We Can Stab Him (Requires: book, also seems like “Stabs” would be easier?? –O)

  - Make Him Accidentally Pass a Law That Says He Has to be Murdered Before the Law Can Be Repealed (Note: Hamlet insists we put this here because It’s Crazy Enough to Work. –O)