Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book

by Jackie Martling

  Driving while intoxicated in 1987

  All of the above

  Too easy, right? Of course it’s (E), all of the above. God, that’s depressing. Anybody feel like returning this book right now?

  Look, the more I learn, the more disgusted I get, so let me wrap this up. Jackie likes blondes, if he could fuck one celebrity it would be Michelle Pfeiffer, and he drives a ’93 Volvo station wagon. A Michigan State University grad with a degree in mechanical engineering, he has an IQ around 125, gets high two to three times a week, is pro-abortion, pro—death penalty (although he thinks it’s barbaric), hates clothes shopping, and says his most charitable act was adopting a cat with cerebral palsy named Timmy. He’s happiest swimming in Long Island Sound, likes Letterman better than Leno, doesn’t care about the David Lee Roth/Sammy Hagar controversy, and sleeps on his side with his asshole facing his wife. He wrote this book on a Pentium 166 using WordPerfect for Windows ’95, claims his longest sex session occurred when he screwed a woman thirteen times in two days, is for school prayer (where the hell did that come from?), and ate lamb stew from our sponsor “the Soup Man” for breakfast this morning. His Jokeness prefers a neatly trimmed bush, scored 500 in English and 650 in math on his SATs, thinks Kevin Kelly, his former boss at the recording studio, is the smartest person he knows (even though it’s really me and it pains him to admit it because he’s so competitive), says a girl named Mary Zabelle, whom he never had sex with, is the sexiest woman he ever met besides his wife, and thinks Ronald Reagan, Louis Farrakhan, and Ted Kennedy are all assholes. Oh, and by the way—I didn’t mean to keep you in suspense—the man drinks something besides Bloody Marys. It’s Diet Coke. And he has put his penis inside the mouth of a prostitute (Juarez, Mexico, 1975).

  There it is. That’s everything I learned. And now, I leave it to you to decide what good my research has done. To quote that giant squid head Paul Harvey, “Now you know the rest of the story.” So it is with great pleasure that I invite you to read a book by a whore-loving, dope-taking convict who loves the comedy of Red Skelton, Rodney Danger-field, Johnny Carson, Redd Foxx, and the Marx Brothers. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the great comedy rhythms of a man who considers himself a gentle hippie, who wouldn’t harm a fly, who claims that his most attractive feature is his ass, a hell of a great guy and friend, the Chief of God knows what, Jackie “the Joke Man” Martling.

  —Howard Stern

  June 1997

  More Nerve

  Than Talent

  Schmidlap is in a bus station men’s room, and he has to take a dump. Now, I don’t mean he’s feeling rumblings in his stomach. I mean, he’s got to go. He really has to pinch a loaf. The turtle is poking its head out and touching cotton. The corn is ready to ride the rocket.

  He looks in the only stall, and there’s not even a ring, just the bowl, with no ring on top. But he has to squeeze a weasel so bad, he doesn’t care. So he’s sitting on the bowl, and he’s making a nice Carvel, when he looks and sees that there’s no toilet paper. Now, who’d ever guess that a bus station bathroom with only one stall without a ring would have no paper? But it’s too late, he’s already laying cable. And he can’t suck it back in, because it’s already winding its way around the bowl.

  He doesn’t know what he’s going to do, when he looks at the side of the stall and sees a little hole. Above it, it says, “Insert and finger will be cleaned by human lips.”

  He says, “Thank God.”

  He gets done, he wipes his ass with his finger, and then sticks it in the hole. A guy on the other side smashes! it with a hammer.

  Schmidlap goes “Oww!,” yanks out his finger, sticks it in his mouth, and goes, “Mmmm.”

  How can you get a woman to make

  a sound like a dolphin?

  Flip her over and try to fuck her in the ass.

  She’ll go, “Eh—eh … eh-eh …”

  The madam of a whorehouse is doing a bang-up business, so she decides to divide her reception area in half so she’ll have another bedroom.

  A carpenter puts up a wall, and then tells her, “That’ll be fifteen hundred bucks, Miss.”

  She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, and lies on the floor.

  She says, “I don’t have any cash, so I thought you might like to take it out in trade.”

  He gets down on the floor next to her, he puts his middle finger in her asshole and his thumb in her snatch and says, “All right, lady, give me my fifteen hundred bucks or I’m gonna rip out the partition.”

  Why did Disney World fail in Japan?

  Nobody was tall enough to go on the good rides.

  Collis walks into a store.

  He says to the salesgirl, “I want to buy some toilet paper.”

  She says, “What color?”

  He says, “Give me white. I’ll color it myself.”

  What’s the difference between making love to a girl with arms and making love to a girl without arms?

  If you’re making love to a girl without arms and it pops out, you have to put it back in.

  Burford is going to the world’s best whorehouse at 448 West Forty-eighth Street in Manhattan. He has a few beers, and by accident, he goes to 884 West Eighty-fourth Street, and it’s a podiatrist’s office.

  He walks in and the nurse says, “Go behind the curtain and stick it out through the hole.”

  He does it.

  She goes, “Ahhh! That’s not a foot.”

  He says, “I didn’t know there was a minimum.”

  Why is it so hard for a woman to take a piss

  in the morning?

  Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese?

  What’s the difference between mayonnaise and sperm?

  Mayonnaise doesn’t hit the back of a girl’s throat at thirty miles an hour.

  There’s a drunk at one end of a bar, and a woman in a tight low-cut dress at the other end of the bar. The woman is waving feverishly for the bartender, and she has an incredibly hairy armpit.

  The drunk yells out, “Give me a drink, and give a drink to the ballerina at the other end.”

  The bartender says, “How do you know she’s a ballerina?”

  The drunk says, “Who else could get her leg up that high?”

  It’s Robin’s first time at the gynecologist. She’s up in the stirrups, and she’s scared to death.

  The gynecologist says, “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”

  She says, “Yes. It’s my first time at the gynecologist.”

  He says, “Would you like me to numb you down there?”

  She says, “Please.”

  He sticks his nose in her twat and goes, “Num, num, num, num …”

  A lady’s walking down the street.

  A guy says, “Hey, lady, there’s a tampon hanging out of your mouth.”

  She says, “Fuck. What’d I do with my cigarette?”

  A little kid comes running into the backyard.

  He says, “Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!”

  His father says, “Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don’t make me smile.”

  Confucius say:

  Schoolboy who fool around with schoolgirl during wrong

  period get caught red-handed.

  Cathy hears that the local drugstore now features a mind-reading druggist, and she can’t believe it. She goes down to the store, and there’s a sign, right in the window, “Mind-Reading Druggist.”

  She walks in, and the druggist says to her, “You’re here for suppositories.”

  She says, “Nope. I’m here for tampons.”

  He says, “How much did I miss by?”

  Harris has a sore ass, so he goes to a proctologist.

  The doctor examines him and says, “My God, how did your asshole get so stretched out?”

  Harris says, “I got fucked by an elephant.”

  The doctor says, “Oh, come on, everybody knows elephants’ dicks are long, but they’re not that wide.�
��

  Harris says, “He stuck his finger in first.”

  How can you tell if two lesbians are twins?

  They lick alike.

  Little old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop barbecuing a chicken on a manual rotisserie when a hippie comes walking along.

  The hippie says, “Hey man … the music stopped, and your monkey’s on fire.”

  Three ladies are in an obstetrician’s waiting room.

  The first lady says, “I’m going to have a girl, because I was on the bottom when we did it.”

  The second lady says, “I’m going to have a boy, because I was on the top when we did it.”

  The third lady says, “Fuck. I guess I’m gonna have a puppy.”

  Did you hear about Tempura House?

  It’s a shelter for lightly battered women.

  A cab driver picks up a nun.

  He looks in the rearview mirror and says, “You know. Sister, I’ve always fantasized about being with a nun.”

  She says, “Yeah, you and everybody else. Are you Catholic?”

  He says, “Yes, I am.”

  She says, “Pull over.”

  He pulls over, she gets in the front seat, and she gives him the best blow job he’s ever had.

  When she gets done, he feels a little guilty, and he says to her, “Sister, I have to tell you something. I’m not really Catholic.”

  She says, “Oh, yeah? Well, my name’s Ralph, and I’m on my way to a costume party.”

  Why does a dog lick his ass?

  Because he knows in five minutes he’ll be

  licking your face.

  Clooney and Riether are in a bar getting drunk.

  Clooney says, “You know why I drink so much? Because my wife is so ugly.”

  Riether says, “Yeah? You think your wife’s ugly? You should see my wife. She’s a pig.”

  They keep drinking and arguing about who’s wife is uglier, finally realizing the only way they’re going to settle it is to see both of the women. So they go to Clooney’s house, knock on the door, and his wife answers.

  Riether says, “Sheesh, you got a point there. She’s a show stopper. That face could send a train down a dirt road. But we still gotta see my wife.”

  When they get to Riether’s house, they go into the living room, he pushes the couch, the chairs, and the table up against the wall, and then rolls up the rug. In the middle of the floor is a huge trap door.

  He lifts it open and yells down, “Hey, Gertie! Come on up here!”

  She says, “All right. Should I put the bag over my head?”

  He says, “No, I don’t want to fuck you. I just want to show you off.”

  Perna is boffing his old lady on the tile floor in the bathroom, right on the tile floor, he’s boffing her ?

  He says, “Spread your legs! Spread your legs! Wider! Wider!”

  She says, “What are you trying to do? Get your balls in?”

  He says, “I’m trying to get ’em out.”

  A teenage girl says to her father, “Daddy, I need a new dress for the prom.”

  He says, “You gotta give me a blow job.”

  She kneels down in front of him and puts his cock in her mouth.

  She says, “Daddy, your dick tastes like shit.”

  He says, “Your brother had to rent a tuxedo.”

  A middle-aged divorcée wants to sleep with a black guy, she’s dying to sleep with a black guy.

  She goes to a bar, has a few drinks, meets a black guy, brings him home, brings him in the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, lies on the bed, spreads her legs, and says, “All right, pal, do what you do best.”

  So he grabs her TV and runs out the door.

  What’s the difference between looking for a lost golf ball

  and Lady Godiva?

  Looking for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.

  Zuker is walking along the beach when he trips over a bottle and a genie comes out.

  The genie says, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been stuck in that bottle for centuries. I’ll tell you what … I’ll give you one wish. Anything you want.”

  Zuker pulls out a map of the Middle East, and he says, “Could you bring peace to this part of the world?”

  The genie says, “Gee, I don’t know. They were fighting there hundreds of years before I was even trapped in the bottle. Have you got another wish?”

  Zuker says, “Well … could you make it so once a month my wife voluntarily gives me a blow job?”

  The genie says, “Let me see that map again.”

  Why didn’t Hitler drink vodka?

  It made him mean.

  How do you make a Jewish girl scream twice?

  You fuck her in the ass and then wipe your dick on the

  drapes.

  Mitchell’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

  The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.”

  Mitchell says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”

  The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 1997. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

  Mitchell says, “Well, shit, Doc, I couldn’t pick ’em up.”

  A Chinese couple’s in bed.

  The husband says, “I want-a sixty-nine.”

  His wife says, “Why you want beef and broccoli now?”

  I hope you enjoyed this section.

  And if you didn’t, I bet that your dick is

  so small that you piss on your balls.

  A Safe

  Distance

  from Genius

  The year is 1958, and the ring announcer says, “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Madison Square Garden and the World Heavyweight Boxing Championship. In this corner, weighing in at two-hundred-fifteen pounds, in the black trunks, it’s the challenger from Sweden, Ingemar Johannsen. And in this corner, weighing in at two-hundred-five pounds, in the white trunks, the heavyweight champion of the world, from the United States of America, Floyd Paterson. Before we begin our bout, here to sing the National Anthem, we have America’s sweetheart, the lovely Kate Smith.”

  A guy sitting ringside cups his hands around his mouth and yells, “Kate Smith? That fat pig? She sucked every cock on the East Coast.”

  The ring announcer says, “Nevertheless …”

  How do you find a fat girl’s snatch?

  You flip through the folds until you smell shit,

  and then go back one.

  A Polish family is sitting in the living room.

  The wife turns to the husband and says, “Let’s send the kids out back to p-l-a-y, so we can fuck.”

  A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla walks up behind him and slips him a Liberace. The gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter’s camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of the Johannesburg Times, sits down, and starts to read.

  The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, and roars, “Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?”

  The gorilla says, “You mean the one that fucked the lion in the ass?”

  The lion says, “My God! You mean it’s in the paper already?”

  A girl goes the doctor’s office.

  She says, “Doc, I need some contradiction.”

  He says, “You’re ignorant.”

  She says, “Yep. Three months.”

  A seventy-five-year-old guy whose hair is completely white marries a twenty-two-year-old girl, and she gets pregnant.

  Nine months later, he walks into the maternity ward and says to the nurse, “Well, how’d I do?”

  The nurse says, “She had twins.”

  He says, “Heh, heh, heh. Well, I guess that goes to show, that eve
n if there’s snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace.”

  She says, “Yeah? Well, then you’d better change filters. Both of the babies are black.”

  How can you tell the Polish girl on the nude beach?

  She’s the one with the tampon string hanging

  out of her asshole.

  Uchwat is fucking his wife in the ass for the first time.

  She says, “Ouch! That hurts!”

  He says, “No, it doesn’t. It feels great.”

  A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitchhiking.

  A British guy pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, “Aye, aye, aye! You look ’armless! ’op in!”

  What does it mean when two lesbians make love?

  It doesn’t mean dick.

  A girl’s on the witness stand.

  The judge says, “What happened?”

  She says, “I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can. I … I don’t even remember what happened next.”

  The judge says, “Make something up! Make something up!”

  What’s the difference between a New York City

  taxi driver and an elephant?

  The elephant has the trunk in the front and the

  asshole in the back.

  Did you hear about the gay cannibal?

  He blew lunch.

  A couple gets married. Twenty years later, they’re in the same hotel, in the same room, on the same bed.

  She says, “Harry, what were you thinking twenty years ago on this night?”

  He says, “I was thinking I’d like to fuck your brains out.”

  She says, “What are you thinking now?”

  He says, “I think I did it.”

  Two guys are in a foxhole in Vietnam when one guy says, “I’m so horny, I can’t stand it.”

  He jumps out of the foxhole and takes off. He comes back an hour later with a big grin on his face.